Tuesday, November 29, 2011


a decade ends

towers fell
conspiracy and war money
old people left my life
people from my life have nothing to do with me
i changed, not sure if it was for the better - in some cases
in others, much better.
new people are in my life
my heart was torn in so many directions,
for all those times hearing that my heart was duct tape
and to keep it sticky, i sure didn't listen.

not even giving it to girls,
just trying to love everyone
and be, that friend

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Wine, Cheese, Pasta, Brothers.

Sometimes all I want is to escape the mass gathering of chatter and noise and be home with close friends. Last night was just that - and it was what I needed.

"Dude, her name is Shelob, of course she's a lesbian." -David Larsen
"One day, I want to own a whole wheel of cheese." -Tadd Winter
*Crocheting* -Andrew Allred

That happened. It was the best.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

comfort

lately, I've taken to notice and be thankful for all the comforting things in my life.

one of my biggest problems is that I'm a dick. or overlook things. or shallow.
or even intentionally avoid being compassionate or kind.

but the Holy Spirit has really convicted me of how much he leads and comforts me, and how much I avoid it in the name of theological tough guy. lame sauce. I need to grow up in this area. sheesh.
I find it to be an indirect/direct sort of thing.

what I mean is:

I'm either at ease in my soul, or am reminded of the truth of sacred scripture.

or

I am led by the Holy Spirit to things of comfort and rest.


Simply put - tonight I got to hang out with my parents when I got home. We threw on a movie and I sat on the couch in their room and I got to be safe with them. Nothing else mattered.

I got to listen to dad talk about work and mortgage and marriage and sports and it was wonderful.

The Holy Spirit being the Great Comforter will bring great affirmation, joy and comfort, as well as lead me to things that are also in those categories...and many others.

So, I am in a new place now. I am thankful, and resting.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

a spark in a sea of grey

clumsy me.

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel like everyone is just repeating themselves.
Over and over. But they're so convinced each time is the first.
Not the case, it's this weird Groundhog's Day thing - which works, because Bryan's autistic brother thinks I look like Bill Murray. Whodathunk.

Speaking of look-a-likes, here's who I've gotten lately from complete strangers:
Moby
Gene Hackman
Chester Bennington (Singer of Linkin Park)
Kevin Spacey

And most the time, they're cougars on the prowl. Totally unashamed to flirt in public, as I stand in front of the deli picking out lunch. To which I just smile and laugh at the notion that  good looking women twice my age act this way.

So that was a tangent...

I'm sad Randal and Sherry are moving. God is good and has a plan. Stoked to be playing with Kenny though. Lots of changes, and I feel like I'm trying to catch all these cannonballs.

And then I feel like I want to jump ship. I'm still too weak. I've been keeping a bold face, though.
Josh told me to not forsake doing good - and referenced a Psalm that I had texted him a few months back to hit me in the face with: 

Psalm 119:32
I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!

More chances for me to rely on God, and to live out Biblical Theology.

"Might have to go where they don’t know my name
Float all over the world just to see her again
But I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armour might rust in the rain
A simple plot, but I know one day
Good things are coming our way" -
Up With The Birds - Coldplay

Sunday, November 20, 2011

if I weren't me

"Upon waking, he stomached through the dizziness and clouded thinking of what felt like being in comatose for hundreds of years. Laying in a pod. A station in the middle of a massive complex. So many people visible through the walls, yet so alone. He unstrapped the vitals and pulled the tube out of his throat. Stumbling out of his position in bed, he creaked and ached as his limbs tried to remember how to be used. Stiff and slowly, he grabbed for his clothes to get out and try to remember where he wasn't. Exit sign, thank goodness.

The world was different, in a new but hopeless kind of way. Computers and Pharmaceuticals were the mainstays of civilization - worlds within worlds - drug induced and virally connected. No one used their eyes, no one cared.

Beautiful women saw him and wanted his affection, but theirs was nothing more than a robotic love. Nothing real. Nothing of substance.

Cars moved fast, positioned 4 feet off the ground. Buildings were massive. Glass, matte white and illuminated with fiber lighting. Obscure shapes to everything, in the name of pilgrimage.

He made it back to the older parts of the cities, where change was least accepted, and cars still ran on petroleum. This was what he remembered, but this felt so archaic. He stumbled back to his home - covered in vines, old news papers and graffiti with boarded up windows.

He turned the handle to the front door. It was rusty, but unlocked. Everything was stale, but in it's right place.

The floor cringed with a cry of not being walked on for a very long time. This was right. This was home. Lingering through the memories of things that happened here, he found his way back into his bedroom. A nice and neatly made bed, desk with a lamp, writing utensils and a journal - all things that started turning on more lights in his head. And the more things he started to take in visually, the more he realized that everyone from yesteryears were dead and gone.

This terrible pitted feeling hollowed him out, bringing him to his knees in sobbing grief against his bed.

After some time passed, he remembered that there was a key. A fulcrum of sorts that he knew would pull all this together. The sense of sorrow left him, and finding this most important key became his directive. What this key would hold, he didn't know, but he had to find it before he vanished forever.

A jarring knock at the door. Cautiously he looks through the curtains. There he sees a cloaked figure with red eyes, observing the house from the front of the lawn. A murmur, 'What is this? I feel in danger, and as if I am surrounded.' A small drone circles the house with surveillance cameras, and safety went missing. Finding that key became that much more important. Robotic men in police uniforms started approaching the house in unison, making a perimeter for no escape..."

- A blisteringly vivid and intense dream I had last night.

Friday, November 18, 2011

pure. solid. absent.

water is so captivating.
knowing that it's combusted gasses - carrying me into the jet stream.

truly beautiful.
soft light, beaming through the water.
faint blue halo.
bubbles of air on my arm.
snow falling unforgivingly on my head.
i could be lost in a water planet, forever.

the sound of a slow, steady stream trickling through the surface.
the very specific smell of hot water, and how it reminds you of being younger.

it is sustaining.
it is soothing.
it is ferocious.
it consumes continents.
it lives in turmoil always.
so incredible. living in three states. always retaining memory.

tonight was the first night alone to myself I've had in a while.
much needed. more reflections than what water can show.
a time for repentance and prayer. writing songs that go deeper than what I can do.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

this is just fine with me: get me out of here!

























nothing is going to be the same anymore. too much has happened this week.
God knows, even thought I feel like calling it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

knock loud, I'm home























Dramatic sabotage, it'll come like a storm, but you'll never know that it hit you...
until you're listening to it a few months later on repeat, and all the emotions are being invoked...
like a spell
like that time you wished you lived in the deepest parts of nowhere.

instead, Hollywood and glitz have got us all gaga for fashion, muse and taste.

spoken slightly, it's a myriad of intentional color beaming through the black rips:






























I am happy for the most part. It's cold, and a heater blasting in my face reminds me of salvation, in so many weird ways. The Grace of God flattens me. My main discontentments are that I'm still here. On Earth, in lower case america, and not in Asia, or giving blood/sweat/tears in Africa, missional without having to worry about the almighty dollar and the daily deed.

The Gospel is all that matters, and through it, God is glorified. That is the purpose of my life - and sometimes I can't handle that. But places and spaces are carved out for me, and where but for the grace of God go I.

And "Ode to Sunshine" by Delta Spirit is a fantastic record, I highly recommend it.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

bibliothèque

Until I spend the rest of my life reading marvelous books, you'll never know my future library.

I'll go on sabbatical from life, because there is nothing tying me down.

Faithfulness wherever I go, and leave the doors locked for the dust to settle in and eat away at the hardwood floors. Then, and only then, will it make sense to learn calligraphy and make stationary. I promise I'll write. I'm learning a lesson in slowing the **** down.

Future Life. My Brain Is Not A Paranoid Android.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

a straight path of no end to my line of sight










































perpetual structure and symmetry.
it might be bunk, and seem like meaninglessness,
but the good news is, there's good news.

I wrote something on a wall somewhere. Covered it with paper and masking tape, flat. Then covered that in mud on the sheetrock. Then I painted over it after I sanded it down some. If that wall gets destroyed before someone remodels, no one will ever know those secret things I said.

If they do, they'll find the deactivation code, a security clearance and routing number to a bank in Switzerland. No one would really know it, or care to believe, but I'm a billionaire and this life is more interesting in the thick of it. Being vulnerable, being real.

And on this note:
My sister broke up with her boyfriend today. She moved back home. Hopefully she'll stop being pagan, get saved and find a husband that loves Jesus. I pray for her a lot, but it seems like the only real change will be Christ in her life.


Walking by faith and not by sight- maybe I should close my eyes for a while.

Monday, November 7, 2011

some things are given up
others, you quit
then there's those dormant channels...


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

digital bath/hard copy

It's finally happening.
The beginnings of my own home studio.
Just bought a pair of $7,000.00 studio monitors and $400.00 amp...for only $350.

I'm floored at how kind God is to me. My co-worker, who owns the house where the Annex is at, has no room for them and needed to get rid of them and wanted to hook me up.

Finally, I get to make my own record. That is what I've wanted for so long.
I'm going to make a 6 song album of purely instrumental music - reflective on the doctrines of Grace.

Gonna get some legit microphones after I buy a new keyboard too.

Also, there are many many books that I'm going to be plowing through. Excited to learn more about:
The Work of Christ
The Life of Christ
Trinitarian God
Knowing the Will of God
Servanthood
Prayer
Worship
Loyalty
Patience
The Church
Purposes of Ministry
Missions
Biblical Gender Roles
Eldership/Leadership
Suffering/Perseverance

"Patience is not just waiting, but waiting with joy and hope in God's plan."
-Josh Whitney from HC tonight.