this is kinda what I thought it would be.

Fly on, right through, maybe one day I'll fly next to you.

I haven't written anything in quite a while. I'm sitting at my desk, in my office, with the green wall and stacks of books, in my new house, all by myself writing this with a galaxy's worth of thoughts.

A nice word exercise to express how I feel right now: firehose, torrential, lightning bolt, exhausted.

I've come to a place where the XY and Z things I thought I wanted, and really took a heartfelt stab at, are now all ether in the past. So, the reality faces me - I need to know what I want next. That's kind of a hard place to get to, since I have XY and Z things I need to take care of with my home, personal provisions, etc. The more you grow up, the more I see how you grow up. The more I grow up, the more I feel the extreme luxury of day-dreaming up passions and scheming ways to get what I WANT, instead of going through this or that to get what I need accomplished. All that to say, I feel like a dad, but a dad in a house without a wife or kids. I've got all the terrible puns, all the eye-roller jokes, all the cuss words and cynicism to last 4 generations of more me.

Some things make me want to cuss and spit. Mostly junk mail and bitchy people. Other things make me really want to dance before the Lord in rejoicing and relish the great love of God in my life.

Here's a list of what I don't have on the docket:

A wife
A colander
A stircrazy popcorn maker
A blu-ray player to watch Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, or even Kill Bill vol 2.
A copy of Kill Bill vol 2. on blu-ray to watch.
And that's it.

Sucks

It's hard to go to bed without Teddy. 

A rush of real and raw hit my life. So many things at once, so many bumps on this road that showed what really spills. Some of it I'm glad over, others, most of these spills, I'm gravely ashamed. 

I had like 800 Million thoughts. I want to stay home and watch all the Star Wars movies, I want to leave in the wilderness for a while, I want to make out with the babe God has made for me, I want to distill my own brand of hooch, I want to smoke with Bill Murray and talk about owning an island. 

My heart hurts more now than it ever has, but, that's life. God has a plan, I never once doubted his goodness, I just saw that difficult doesn't mean bad. What should I do next? The next right thing. Even if that means the next unconventional thing. I've grown incredibly tired of people around me having fickle commitments, and not having their money where their mouth is. I guess the hard raw stripping down to my soul made everything seem, well, exposed in a new light to me. 

I gotta laugh, love people, keep doin my thing. I won't be stopped, especially by myself. 

I know why people don't like me either - I hit that nerve that makes them realize they need to leave their comfort zone. And I only do it to those whom I love, because I really do care, as cliche as it sounds. We are in a war, and soon I'll stop saying things, because heads are gonna roll. 

I am a million miles from home. Days, months, years, who knows, but I'm not done, I can't fully rest, and this war will rage on. But there are moments when everything seems so clear. Carry on. Pilgrim, you are not alone. 

Sorted Dissaray

My eyes are bereft of rest

And the ache of my heart crept back

This sudden realization that all I want seems so far away

What happened? I feel like I woke up and everyone had a plan to change without even telling me. This hot and cold transfer didn't do anything good, and now I have this Truman Show sense of paranoia. 

It makes me want to scream. The big bad wolf is just lurking past the tree line, and he's watching my life burn to the ground with a crooked smile locked from ear to ear. 

My Russian nesting heart keeps shelling up and locking away, and I don't say what I mean to say. It's a problem. 

I am satisfied and things are good. I'm a liar and things are better. I am in denial and still drive home alone. I am wandering aimlessly through capsized ships and deep sea monster boneyards. 

Deja vú to future happenings of undesirable circumstances, and I snap out of it with tight fists, remembering to take a deep breath and know that it isn't real yet. 

These are my bad dreams.