my prayer

there is this reoccurring dialogue with God that I have. it gets me to this place at which I feel like nothing can hold me down. but it's somewhat sobering too.

you see, I get way ahead of myself. to a point that these hair brained ideas populate and start running a muck in my mind.  and commitment becomes an issue-or should I say, lack of commitment.  at any rate, I've got a plan now.  I put it on paper, and it's binding and contractual, so that I don't run off and do something irrational that sets me back to square one.

the reality that strikes me, and catches me off guard and really brings out the impurities of my pride is this:

I need to be 110% ok with whatever God has for me.

if I never get to see the road and tour playing music, so be it.
if I get in an accident and lose a hand, never to be the same, so be it.
if I am taken away from the things I know, so be it.
if I never get married or find the one I love, so be it.
if I go blind and can never see the beautiful things in my life again, so be it.
if I get in a car wreck and become paralyzed, so be it.
if one of my parents die, or falls sick with crippling illnesses, so be it.

the ultimate goal of salvation is sanctification to make me a more loving person.
that brings God glory.  and bringing God glory is the ultimate goal of everything.
sanctification is continual, which means constant refinement, which means growing more in love.
and since God is love, and God is also outside of time, that makes Him infinite, so love is infinite.
which means an ever growing relationship with God, and eternally growing in love.

that is a difficult stance to take.  the weight and breadth of that thought.  this is the lump in my throat.
through anger at difficulties, joy in destination and tears for sorrow, so be it-for God will be praised.

as of late, my prayers have taken this format:

Thank you God for the wonderful things you've done
for your truth, life bringing love and justice
for the Cross and that the lost will come to repentance of sin
that people will find Jesus, accept grace, and have new life
for the beautiful people who are in my life
for the family and friends you've brought me to be a part of
for what you're doing at the Rock and it's leaders/musicians
let me be eager and willing to follow you daily
forgive me of my wicked heart and sin
let me endure through trials and consider it joy
let me be excited to share truth
create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

but I also try and mix it up every now and again.

I am so incredibly excited for how God is moving, and to see what he's gonna do in my lifetime.

is it tempora or temporal?

I cant decide if I'm talking about sushi, or the state of being capricious.

Who knows anymore, right?
My mood changes like Utah's weather, whether I like it or not.
Can I be conceited for just a moment? ...of course, it's my blog, I'll do what I wish.
I made Mike, Billy and Nick laugh a lot tonight, and it was great.  So great.  That's my moment of self indulgence for this segment. But on a deep level, I receive more joy by making others happy than anything else, when it comes to a spirit of contribution and being generous.

Then I pondered that the whole drive home tonight.  The thought of making others happy, and how I'll accomplish that.  Then I thought about the clicking sound my engine was making and decided I need more oil!  What I've concluded is this:

I love music because I love music. Just that simple.
I repeat my redundancies because being redundant is repetitive with me.

But I also love music because of how it can strike a chord in people's hearts.  Swoon them from normal life. Then normal life rolls around and that feeling remains.  It seems to have gone away, but it's very subtle..until your subconscious kicks in.  Then the music kicks in, inside your head and it makes everything better. It's that melody you hum while sipping coffee and working. It's that beat you tap on the table, or counter top, or knee because there's a jumble in your head. Then it builds up so much that you have to just pop in your ear buds and listen to it.
Feeding that satisfaction and growing the built up emotion from the first time you heard it.
I want to get good at doing that. Giving something to hum, or whistle, or tap your finger atop the steering wheel. Not to my credit in the least, but simply to make others happier for that one moment.

The message in the song is altogether different, and life changing.  That too, I want to get good at.

Give me a month in Morocco, in a fancy hotel with a view of the sea.  A pen, fresh paper, a piano and a few packs of cigarettes with a bottle of 15 year Laphroaig and I might get somewhere.  It has to be late August though.  It just has to be.  Also, I'd need some books to read; aside from my current stack non-fiction.  I haven't read a good novel in a long time.  I'd need that too.

One can only dream.  It'll probably not happen for at least 5 years, but that's only when I'm still not married.  If perhaps God changes things on me in the next breath or two, that'll be better than anything I could want right now anyway.  Maybe she's in Morocco, reading her bible on the veranda, writing down these same thoughts.  Maybe.

Oh and I still need to put more oil in my car.

untitled project #7..literally.

So this has become my life, mostly, lately.

I pour hours and hours into writing, rewriting, deleting, getting frustrated and then a hook line that sinks my heart.  Below is a screen shot of my most recent project, however I've blurred out the track names and instruments as part of the Song Witness Protection Program...that way it stays a mystery! AH HA!

it's fun though.  self employed for a while.  lots of music.  lots of reading.  watching Parenthood.

maybe I'm going somewhere secret soon! gonna find out here in the next bit, could be life changing...

I'll have to leave some things here though, but I'm stoked either way!  God is good.

animal

it's really hard to explain but i'll try. So you know how there are some things that are innately out of your control? Well, that's mostly because some things are, and some things are not. The things that are not aren't necessarily in place of entitlement for things that are never to be, they just are nothing-but being nothing, they aren't anything. So nothing can't be anything. Which means there's no place for it to hold a space in this universe. Nothings are usually something. Unless, it's nothing. But then I think, it has to be something, if it's worth thinking about, right? I've been thinking about it for a while now. like i said, it's really hard to explain. and i'm trying. acid. blues. certainty. dominoes. empire. falcon. gamble. harsh. ibex. jambalaya. kickstand. liquor. motivate. nectar. oblique. personal. quill. radioshack. standard. tangerine. umbrella. violet. warm. x-ray. yelp. zombies. all those mean something. because we didn't leave them to be nothing. but all the things that we don't do, what becomes of them? turn right when we turned left, what happens to the right? talked with my friends instead of a girl, what happens to her? ate a carnitas burrito instead of chicken? chose red instead of blue. what happens to all the nothings in life? they are all something, but nothing to me. i'll only ever get to look at or talk to her from across the room.
because that is how far she puts herself from me.
so, i wonder and think about moving on.
seems reasonable, after all this time.
seems like a good idea.
her green eyes say otherwise.
maybe i'll forget.

wake up, you're all alone

cornered in a cycle that never ends

keep saying it's ok, it'll be ok

that the smoke blows over

and i never quit

keep moving, just keep moving

Alathea, where are you?

in the future, there will be computers, looking for life on earth. sadly, i feel that time approaching. imagine driving down the corridor of a dark city the sun never rises, always resting on the horizon, making the sky always look like 5 o'clock in the morning. permeating through the thickness of clouds, small beams of light hit various structures, refracting off tinted glass and forced smiles. no one is happy. no one talks. everyone in their million dollar cars and sensory chips implanted on the brow of humanity, merges organic and mechanic. nothing is pure. it's all synthesized living. seeing truth is as impossible as reading a book through a frosted window. it's routine, unclean. business as usual is 24/7 and no one breathes.

Girl, I can tell...

This is a great tune. I feel like the vid is somewhat of a tribute to Patrick Swayze...I could be wrong though. Look at your big brown eyes, so sexy...