deaf

walls of blank, padded snow lining the street
nothing looks like it did when i left
it's otherworldly and disarming

a giant padded cell, that lines the familiarities in my mind
thinking, awake o sleeper

opening the car door, one foot crunched in the sheet of white, my ears start ringing, because there is nothing to be heard. Winter's bitter kiss has struck, and I was ill prepared for any of it.

where is my mind?

mashups

I've been listening to the new Girl Talk record tonight, and hearing so many combinations of music makes me think about different parts of the world. I don't know why, but it's like everyone's creative freedom has been stripped from them and made into something else, almost better in some cases.

I thought about the homeless teenage couple hanging out in the subways of Kiev. I watched a movie about the underground world in Ukraine...super freaky.  I thought about the Persian Princess sitting in her luxury sweet in Saudi Arabia, and how her biggest problem is that her cell phone is getting crappy service.  I thought about the Middle American husband coming home late from a low paying job, trying his best to support his family but he gets home to a house of chaos. I thought about the Lower Manhattan Yuppie with nice clothes and a regal wristwatch, which I covet, and how he's going for sushi tonight with his girlfriend. I thought about a small family village in Central America, where they have humble surroundings, but they are most satisfied with life. I thought about the mom dying of aids in Sudan, and her children mourning from the pain of inevitable loss, and how that breaks my heart too.  I thought about the Japanese family of three, living on the 67th floor in a chic apartment in downtown Tokyo, and how they all finally sat down for a meal together amidst their hectic lives.

All those things together make me think that this world isn't that big. It means that I still have a lot of time to travel it all and share Christ. Preach the word, is all I have to do, even without language if possible.

I'm also freaked out how much IBM wants to make this planet smarter. That seems dangerous, but necessary for the end things to start. Just don't put chips in me, for fear of waking up like a robot, and seeing I never had a heart at all...which would explain a lot.  Oh and also, I have taken a liking to Cherry 7UP with Seagrams or Absolut.

doulos

I might get the word "Doulos" as a tattoo. I love that idea.

Romans 1:1 says: Paul, a bondservant of Jesus Christ...
that word, bondservant, in the greek is actually Doulos, which means "slave". Regardless of Paul's apostleship and ranking in office, he always viewed himself primarily and chiefly as just that, a slave to Christ.  And that's a curious thought: Once a slave to sin, now a slave to Christ. But what an honoring position at that. It's wonderful to think about in terms of redemption and grace. God's wrath being satisfied in Jesus, having died on the cross for the sins of those whom God has appointed for salvation. A sufficient atonement. The propitiation of all my unrighteousness, bringing me before God blameless, without spot or blemish. As forgotten as the east is from the west. That regardless all of those things which enslaved me, he translated me to being covered by the blood of the Lamb who was slain.

This is the case with all who comprise the Church as a whole. R.C. Sproul said, "The church is the ekklesia, the Greek word that comes from the verb kaleo, meaning 'to call,' and the prefix ek- meaning 'out of.' Every Christian is called out of the world, out of bondage, out of death, and out of sin, and into Christ and into his body...all who are truly part of the Church have been called out, separated by the Holy Spirit."

That's pretty incredible to think about. Those whom are Christian, that is to say, who are saved and called, are brought from one end of the spectrum, death and sin, to the other end of life, redemption, salvation and glory, being reconciled to God. It's a transition of bondage, to bondservant. Enslaved to sin, to being a slave for Jesus. Mankind is made to worship, and its all just a matter of the objective direction that the person's devotion is willed to go.

So that at the end of my life, I will be able to say, "Hayden, a slave of Jesus Christ..."
That being the goal of my life, so willingly to submit myself and all I do to the glory of God, proclaiming the name of Jesus, making disciples of ALL nations, being a student of scripture and loving his people; to hear "well done, good and faithful servant."

And the thing of it is, it's not something I can just up and leave. God promises as the author of faith, to also be the finisher of my faith, seeing it to it's full completion. Slave for life, to the Creator of everything. That sounds wonderful. To be doulos coram Deo, a slave before the face of God. What an honor to be set out with that sort of task. Amen, too many thoughts to even concentrate on one topic! Wonderful. Praise be to God.

shifty

my eyes haven't calibrated yet. and I'm getting my teeth cleaned in the morning.

it's all go, and no stop. I don't even feel adequate when I sleep. Right now, it's really hard to deal with everything at once. I got supremely overwhelmed on the drive home, and my first thought was, "Dear Lord, please please please keep me steady. I can't seem to deal with all this. Backlogged items I've left unattended, sin I'm convicted of, people I need in my life, time that I need to just read."

And God is close to the broken hearted. He's close to me.
Right now, I do feel broken. Burdened by so much, only because my mind just goes there.

it's unfair how it processes like that, but it's even more important that I sort through it all, as much as I can get through one thing at a time. I do realize some things will take months. Others, longer. I just want some new socks. Black ones. That are really comfy. And a nice fire, with a tall glass of ice water.

My body is out of whack, so that's probably it too. I AM SLEEP deprived. and when I look at something remotely illuminated, it leaves this weird trace on my eyes...Goodnight, again.

car heater

Those five minutes or so, sitting in the cold waiting for the car to warm up the heater, a lot of things started to rush to my panel of twelve spots of thought process. There are always at least twelve things occupying those spaces, and sometimes more, when it's quiet and dark.

1. My toes are so cold.

And they really were, I forgot that canvas shoes don't really do well for me from October-March, but I wouldn't do without them anyway. So it's kind of a curiously silly notion to not find them useful.

2. I need to throw away that laffy taffy wrapper when I get home.

For some reason or another, I'll always find some stray piece of trash loitering my passenger seat; as it is 99% of the time vacant, which sometimes makes winter that much colder. But I peaked at the joke to see if I knew it already. And I have no reservations on laughing out loud, alone, in my car, with the guy in the pick-up truck next to me staring at me like I'm crazy. He's half right.

3. What does my engine look like when I drive.

I always go into this pretend x-ray mode, and want to see a real time motion of the pistons and combustion that occurs. I imagine that is what happens in my brain. Then I think, I'm thinking about my brain thinking; irony? no. Perpendicularly opposite mirrors? Yes.

4. I wonder what doing homework is like with someone who enjoys school, or is good at studying.

That thought lasted about 3.4 seconds.

By this time I was already to the red traffic light, turning right to leave the school.

5. I wonder who else I know is at school this late?

I couldn't really think straight about everyone I know who's a student in higher academia somewhere.  The only people that popped in my mind were Tadd and Philip. But they go in the mornings.

6. Let's hope there's mail for me when I get home.

I always like getting something in the mail, even if it's just something to rip up and throw away. In a weird way, it makes me feel important. And it's super great when it is a letter, or an invite, or even a parcel with goods inside. (Mostly it'd be a book or five...)

7. A lot of pictures rolling through my head:

Autumn leaves in the canyon, the university in Omaha, Nick playing his guitar, Panda Express' glass fridges where you can see the vegetables, a back ally way with a dumpster and passed out homeless guy, me sitting in a coffee shop talking with someone...and about a hundred other images just flash right on through.

8. I haven't picked a song yet.

So I flip off the lock switch from my iPod, and scroll without looking, then click to let it play and guess what it is before I see my random choice. Tonight it was a wonderful surprise of Rachael Yamagata. It made my drive home pretty wonderful.

9. Ooooh, there's some heat coming out of the slots.

When this happens, I realize in about a minute, it'll be nice and toasty and I can turn the dial from "Lo" to about Mid-Hi so my windows don't fog up.

10. Check my phone to see who I need to call.

I called Aaron, Mom, and Josh.

11. There's a blue jolly rancher in my jacket pocket.

Another nice surprise. I saved it until now, to have after dinner.

12. This warm air, the cold autumn night and this song is a really sweet combo.

thank you Jesus. for everything. seriously.

warm car heater, warmed heart, warm song.

here it is:


and it made my heart do that thing...when you hear a stranger totally relate in a curious way, and then your heart kinda swells up and churns; like when it does before you're going to cry, except you don't even cry, or get sad.

I'm really ok though. I get through thinking about the 12 things that occupied my mind tonight, and I smile. I'm smiling now. Goodnight :-)

otherwise

a nice end to an otherwise depressing weekend.
otherwise i would have been upset still.
it's good to get other wise council from people, I realize.

I just want to sing worship songs all the time. And write them.
For now, I'll sip on some dr. pepper and whisky and listen to Hotel by Moby.

language and magic

theres a crisp air, leaking in
it is not subtle either; quite jarring
and the warmth of 7:26AM leaves my fluffy comforter.

cat scratch at the door, and I know that coffee wont grind and brew itself...
so I drag my lifeless pouch of skin and bones up the stairs, go pee, and let the dogs out.

I'm not even in the mood to read, but I should. My life is lacking a motivating factor.
I have my planned out course, and I'm certainly sticking to it, but as I was telling Josh,
there's just not any plot of land that my ship has to look forward to. For harbor, for rest, for love.

He told me that when he and Krista started dating, everything in his life got serious, real quick.
C grades to A's. Bible study was more strict. Involvement in church and friendships became more intentional. Money and budget became a brick, instead of loosely abiding by a paper. But these things don't happen magically, of course. It takes work and persistence.

The point is, he said, it's rough not having that. But to work towards it in principle. It's nice to think about buying a house, and having a good car, and a salary job or my own business, but these things are nothing. These are nothings I want to share with a wife. I say it that way, because in comparison to whoever she is, these "attainable and admirable" things are just nothing.

anyway, I have some music business to attend to. it's nice to keep that in my life as a release.
Things to sort, and tax, and try. Things to veto and scratch, but others to refine and perfect.
Other things to maintain and just be regular in them. Then go out for a beer or six.

I miss Zach too. It's been a while since we buddied up, but I understand he's busy.
And I miss old life. Life before newbies who are older, who are not so new now, came into the picture.
I left it all on a floppy drive, my old life. And damnit, wouldn't you know, there's not a computer around to read it! Guess I just gotta move on.