Poem #2/floods of thoughts

I've gone down roads like these
Before time took to beating my face
Smoke screen after smoke screen
I hide outside, behind a cigarette

It's always a black jacket,
And something warm around my neck
Shielded from this cold weather I love so much
Wanting something so badly, I don't know what to do with it.

Through the thick night, and steady fog
light posts drape orange dresses, postmarks to take me to bed.
Only me and the sound of the tires on the wet road, over the hum of my engine.
So specific in sound, it made my mind lethargic towards all other thoughts.
Sounds that will paralyze me, and cause me to become instantly infatuated.
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Being too accustomed to comfort, I've evolved into stationary
Not making moves, on anything, and that's what is killing me.
The awful thing about that, though, I don't have a place elsewhere,
and I still haven't left.

I suppose I don't know how to be real,
and speaking of vulnerability, it's easy to say that on this end of my screen.
I suck at being in public, or public secrets, or cliques, and I haven't found
a whole bunch of people to allow me to work it out...

In all of it though, I'm tired and burnt by this semester.
Cant wait for a break, and Jesus to wreck my heart again.
Gotta grow into my new position, I'm not who I used to be...says a lot of people, I guess.
Gotta stop this whiney bull crap, it probably sounds like all I do is complain when I write...
I'm over it

Poem #1

You are contagious, light up a room
like static and bedazzlement.
The joy in your face, I can't replace
for your affection is far too sweet;
pure and genuine, never to be matched.

Composed and subtle,
You are the sweetest thing I've ever known.
Your love is caring, yet reserved
and like your affection, paramount to who you are.

These are the things I've not felt, nor known.
Some kinds of things I would like to feel.
Out of the corner of my eye, I think I catch a glimpse of it
but it's never certain.
And my timing is slightly off pace, entering the room,
only to see the side of your eyes, through your hair
as you leave through the door.

So I try and think about how to bide my time,
and leave rooms the same time you do.
I fill my days with things to occupy my life,
so that you don't have to.
Books became my world.
I listen to orchestras of pandemonium
I see flashes of chaos, even through the pages...
My hand is cold, but love is not lost.

Fin.

GAGA Oooh LA LA

I'm really into lots of different artists right now. And usually there's a certain disposition between genres when it comes to "flow of mood". But, not so with me. I've been listening to Girl Talk, which is mash up hip hop with different "hit" songs, then going right into Death Cab. Or Saosin right into The Beatles. Maybe I'm listening to Coldplay and then throw on some Crystal Method, or something pulsey and electronic.

I like that Lady Gaga has worked really hard to get where she's at, given there's a lot of money tied up in her act, but she's making pop music, super dancy, and has that weird Bjork-style interaction with the public. She's like viral, without the flash in the pan sort of deal. Granted, she'll probably be out of the limelight in the next few years if she keeps making dance music, and any other kind of music might be too serious for her. Nonetheless, it's cool to think about it in principle. Working that hard, with what you've got, and getting to where you wanna go.

I would like to do the same things, but follow the mantra of:

Love God
Bless the Saints
Win the Lost

So, anything, even if it's not music, be devoted and worked hard for like that.
"Where is my mind?"-The Pixies

I'm completely satisfied

Interesting weekend to say the least. I normally get in a really weird mood before playing at church, but I had to keep reminding myself of God's truth. Before the service, when we go upstairs to pray and hang out, I was reading Psalm 103:10b-12. It says:

He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Then we played Divine Romance, and the combinations of those verses plus those lyrics really got me thinking. No matter how inadequate I feel about different things in my life, God's grace is entirely sufficient for me. My qualifications hold no contingency on what I do for the Lord. I know I try to give him my best, my all, but even if my sacrifice isn't the best, He still has my heart. And even when this world screams at my heart, God pulls me through all of it. And in Him, nothing else on my mind matters. In Him, I'm completely satisfied.

But what's been really great is learning God's truth, hanging out with friends, getting to know new people, and just chillin' out. 

We are of good courage

2 Corinthians 5:9 So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him.

Dang. Good refresher course, I guess. Not really a course, but it got my memory jogging. And I think about so many things once my head gets going like that. Ideas and creativity, thoughts of different ways to reach people for Jesus. Dreams of things to do to express my creativity and glorify God. And I one day want to make a substantial amount of money, to be greatly generous to people: providing for my family (immediate/wife&kids, Church, friends), affluent for the gospel, and influential by means of serving others.

That will come with hard work and my degree. A portfolio and big dreams, stuck to a plan and schedule!


I like that verse ↑↑↑ because Paul seems to be on a kick about relentless pursuit of adoration in our lives; glorifying God in literally every circumstance. Even the mundane ones, driving somewhere, doing laundry, keeping a clean house, writing. For me, I think that's obvious in music, design and writing. I write a lot of obscure thoughts in poetic form; austere in nature, yet fiction as much as my heart lets it become. At work, I've taken to listen to sermon upon sermon by Whitney, Young, Croswhite, MacArthur, Sproul, Driscoll, and Piper. I try to make the most of my time while getting things done. Learning and working, it's great. Then school is almost over. I get to gear a few projects into personal beliefs, which inevitably get around to me talking about Jesus with someone. That's pretty neat. I think my professors have a certain respect for that, even if they disagree with what I say.

I do feel like I look through several areas of my life, as if looking through different window panes. As to say, I can't look at design the way I look at work, but music and design are similar in my perspectives. That probably makes zero sense, but it's the only way I can explain that right now. Anyway, I made an image that kinda matches my brain right now....

  Treefight For Sunlight - What Became of You and I by Bella Union

so...I guess that's it for now? I hope something comes of "Blackmatchstick", I'm really trying with it...

№ 42»

just look, straight in my eyes
don't bat away, or try to hide whatever it is that you're all the sudden so afraid of showing.

it's not magic. nor coincidence.
some things just are.

I'll write pages and pages of songs,
I'll cover thousands of canvases with colour,
I'll drive hundreds of miles to take you places,
I'll not speak, to simply hear you breathe.

In this time we have, let it become everything we hoped it to be.

Digital, obsolete. So many ways to paraphrase to pair a phrase.
Analogue, obstacle. I'm going with legacy, on this one.






You'll find me on the grid, moving steadily, but slow enough that you can catch up.

i suppose...

this is the card I would like to give people*, to have them at some point in the future give back to me, if at all.

*Note: this isn't something I give to them because I'm directing the comment AT them, merely giving them a resource to express their affections towards me. Conceited? Yes. Convenient? Yes.




The Lord IS working on me though. I feel the thaw of my heart in these colder days. I feel different than I did even two weeks ago. Maybe the end of the semester is the lighthouse on the shore. Maybe I'm not in love.  Maybe riots weren't meant for next year and had to happen in between unspoken months, then. Maybe I am on to something. Maybe a change of scenery and different pace coloured things different. And I still consider myself mostly English, in genetical terms. (Hence, my humor in this post?) Get over it.