Sunday, July 31, 2011

mylo xyloto

they'll be moving us to mars

but I wasn't ever one to just sit in my chair and punch myself in the face.


it's overbearingly obvious that right now, I CAN'T LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT -
knowing that stick shift, steering and good planning left the door open and wilderness took over
my
heart

oh, sweet hindsight.




thousands and thousands of dollars in dead guys brains sit on my shelf
and i learned that their eyes saw past what my world masks - and i learn

e
s
s
e
n
c
e
of getting to it. no beating around the bush. more like belabor the point. the important things.

i'm not lost in space, but i'm headed somewhere: hold my breath, now.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

confabulation



OK. there's this continual dialogue in my head - with who I am and who I want to be.
I have resolved that I will never be right, always. There's probably a 30-47% margin for accuracy - but that leaves the other portion of being wrong, to be blessedly humble and teachable either way. Win or lose.

2 things I desire right now: To be so resolved for the Gospel, daily, that I want God to take me out if I'm not doing otherwise. And second, to be a servant and submissive to such a degree that honors God, that it blesses people tremendously out of the overflow- alone to the Glory of God.

Gotta make this life count, and the parts that make the next 60 years count are now.

The old me tries to sneak in the doors or windows, but God is kind and snuffs out my flesh.
Sanctification is something I long for with Christ, and it's slowly but surely coming around.
Soli Deo Gloria!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Funk. Iron City.
Antique Lamp next to an odd colored wall - on all night.

Wages of Fire, Neptune.
Cutting off all the spines to your books - paper - disarray.

Flying fish, from Mario 1.
Bullets, from future wars.
Lick the bowl after the cookie batter was rolled out.

Empire Gorgeous - V 2.5
I'm not even finished, and there's still so many songs to write.

I knew someone better, than a bar tender.
Quickly, it's flown by, and months became so compact.
But we all sway to the beats of drum machines - in/our/heart

GIVE ME MORE

Monday, July 25, 2011

Joint ventures

Taking up new things, that otherwise were out of my league.

Funny how I want one thing, and get led a different way to get it.

I'm so busy, I can't believe it.
I don't have time to waste.
School is making it hard to breathe,
but in the long run, will open up the gates for a lot.

Meeting up with dudes always,
trying to stay on top of my study,
more things to study,
more things to design,
more things to learn in the realm of web and video,
working a ton + promotion soon....wild!

I hate when I see dust on my bookshelf. All my time and money spent into building a library, and I don't get to frequent it as much as I'd like. But it's like having my own theological Netflix I suppose...so that's nice.

It's nice to write on here every now and again, and scrape off the mud.
I really want to move out, but I don't know how that'll pan out.
I have to think long and hard of who I can really live with - how much I need to die to myself - or if living alone is an option.

Soon, answers to these questions will be found, given and considered. And I don't leave bread crumbs anymore, either.

"Prayer places our needs in the perspective of God's sufficiency, our problems in the perspective of his sovereignty, and our desires in the perspective of his will. Prayer is not a monologue. " -Michael Lawrence
The Statistics of a Man's heart: mainly mine.

1071 days, as of today.
28 replies of "No" by verbal or evasive communication.
28 broken female hearts.
28 opportunities to have been married or serious relationships otherwise.
1 worried/upset mother who keeps prodding at when I'm getting married.
1 mother telling me she wants me to find the girl, but isn't ready to be a grandma.
countless tears, prayers, yells, calms, drinks, pains, joys
worth while time seeking God - which is irreplaceable

learning patience, grace, listening, keeping a bold face, gripping my teeth and holding fast.

Life lessons that you can't read about. Priceless moments that I wouldn't trade for anything - even if it hurts.

Stats were never my thing, but they happened to me anyway.
This is 1 out of 1 person surveyed, and I don't know if there's a larger control group.
But I very much trust God. The gospel is my motivation above all. The cross is what moves me. Jesus is the one who saves me, sanctifies me and carries me. His scripture has never been brighter to me.

Soli Deo Gloria - there will be a future pastors wife for me.

"Gravity, is working against me...Gravity, wants to bring me down." -John Mayer

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Well, I feel weird.

For the first time in years I feel good that God doesn't have a girl in my life.
It's been always pressing, discouraging, lonely, yet hopeful - for the one off phantom day that she might pop in and say, "Yeah, I agree. Let's just spend the rest of our lives together." (Which the pretense to that is me doing a lot of talking and explaining myself.)

And now, I look at everything and I'm completely satisfied and grateful for where God has put me.

I think it's just weird because it's always been the other way for my heart - now I feel, light?

My major caveat is not to exclude the option for a girl at all!!! I do want to find my perfect wife who wants to be a pastor's wife to whom God appoints me, and she's wonderful and beautiful altogether I know, but right now, it's just that time. But I can't live without her...haha.

I suppose a few things have to happen before the ball gets rolling. Those would be:

several sit ups and eating better.
moving out - and/or buying a house.

But I could be daft, and maybe nothing like that at all needs to happen.
I guess I just need to do more listening, because I'm good at patience for now.

k, i love you, when i know you.
But this song is bringing me lots of different heartbeats:


/
/
/
/
  Codex by Radiohead

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

smashed my heart into smithereens

I want so much so quickly, and I'm learning greater patience.
Big things in two weeks, two months, two years - two seconds of your time to hear me out.


My heart breaks for the lost, and those who haven't even heard the good news yet.
I think of those people in far off lands. I think of how I want to be used by God to help them.
My heart breaks over my sin, and the burdens I bear with others.
I think about the brother who wants to kill himself, and out of everyone, he calls me - that's heavy.
My heart breaks for the comfortability of the American Church, and how liberal that theology is.
I think about the hours I pray for God to cause a Neo-Reformation, and how I want to be a part of it.

At this point, I'm all over the place, in so much, and the next season will be extraction and rest of some form - I hope. And I'd give it all up if my Lord told me to go somewhere else.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I took your fan club off the do not cat-call list.
there was a full moon, though, which completely ruined the recording process.
it's just time for another short hair cut, and of course champagne.

but what I mostly love about life, is that even repeats are meant to happen. so it's original.

the kindness of God in warm gloves and sad departures. weighing heavy over my head is the Baltic Sea and how He wants things a certain way for us and tells me to let it go and sink.

other things he tells me to stay, and wait. like a dog across the yard waiting, sitting, wagging, for the treat, but "Staaaaayyyyy!" and then, "COMEHERE!!!" and bolted mad dashes. anything in my way would be shredded into ribbons. even teflon or affection.

it hurts like paper cuts. it heals like love from a mother.
it burns like sand in the eye. it calms like a late night on the way out of hell.

brightness just exploded all over the dashboard and screens, but magnificence aspired for so much more.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

well, I'll give you that much

So, when TEOTWAWKI happens, if God doesn't rapture us beforehand - I'm fully convinced there will be an all out Zombie attack from government overhaul and power grids shutting down - thus releasing toxins that the CDC can't control.

I want to be prepared - and have formal training. If they are savage and mindless, I want to have my guns and ammo ready. If they are sophisticated and devious, I want to know how to communicate and be their leader. This book I think should help me get started:

Monday, July 11, 2011

the oddities of growing up and how civilization dies

everyone wants this world to be their idea of what the world should be -


which is absurd. your world view is shaped by what the world tells you to think about itself, but it doesn't get accomplished unless the vast majority of the population thinks this same way.

what will have to change is the world seeing how God meant for things to be.

unfortunately, this wont happen until it's too late. no man seeks after God, no man desires pure goodness - everything is an outset of professed morality - only on the basis of being better than the rapists, drug lords, thieves and homeless. academia, philosophy, self righteousness - all beliefs based on looking inside. that means you're looking to the very thing that violates God and His all.

things never looked the same, since I got to this point.

all the sudden I started considering the other buttons on the calculator. all the sudden, I thought about trying something on the menu that I've never heard of. all the sudden, music, art, sex and life had it's context - and it's infused in my mind.

God made us image bearers = even after the fall.
So the things we posses, are intentional from God.

Intellect, perception, love, anger, laughter, desire - all things imbedded from God.
What happened was sin ruined it all, and the Devil distorts it beyond that.

So - God making us sexual beings - to be fruitful and multiply within the confines of marriage is his intention. But the problem is that our world is driven by sex - and porn is beyond the internet and always has been before computers and the printing press.

God made us creative - but we love being creators, and forsaking Him as Creator. Because our expressionism is seemingly so profound that we think our own genius has been self-originated - and we knock all others aside to raise up our pedestal and be seen more than any other. We want to be God - and most philosophies and religions lead that path.

God made us to feel - and we exaggerate, abuse, stimulate, manipulate and meddle in things we ought not do. A lot of medicine is based on the idea of trying to stay alive - though it's not bad to take care of yourself, it just goes to show that man is scared to die - thus admitting God's sovereignty. A lot of diets, plastic surgeries, make-up, clothing, cars and homes are meant to be a facade to who we really are. They are good things too - but very much riddled with sin and disguise. A lot of drugs and alcohol are meant to be the salvation of the moment - and an escape from the deafening reality of dying humanity.

What will change it all is the Gospel. The good news of Jesus will change a person - 180°. But the saddening reality of this is that most people find this notion so bizzar, and that is because it goes against every indoctrination of life that fallen man has told us from crib, through school, into the workplace.
Jesus makes for a real identity. He changes the paradigm of sex. He changes the methods to stewardship and living. He is the focus of all that is good and perfect- thus being the originator and conduit of all creativeness and expressiveness. He eventually binds up the devil and every knee bows to confess he is Lord - willingly or not.

Then the world view changes to a Gospel view.
Then this world dies - to be made new - with those whom God saves.

Just some thoughts.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

my weekend job..

I'm not that great at it, but it brings in extra dough (which I should just work at a bakery if I need that much extra dough)
I'm the one on the bottom left...

Monday, July 4, 2011

we were always tortured with the most invisible of hands

New song I wrote:

Miles

I cant find a place to grip
a place to win, a place in your ship

pour me out like fragrant wine
you've gotten over me
and that's just fine
you've started fires in me
and taken all that's mine

You have lost your way
the coldness in your step, can't see the light of day

here I stand above the tremble quake
all of my footing is gone
I've gone from bend to break
you've stolen blood from me
and called me your mistake

love was never gone
because love never arrived
and I was always wrong
to ever let you get inside
and you have left your heart
beating slowly at my bedside
so how do we restart
and keep this thing alive

Oh, don't take this too slow
You're too serious to live
But never let it go
Oh, my love, please tell me it's ok
You're begging me to try
I'm telling you I'll stay
Even though I'm miles away


Sunday, July 3, 2011

You've got a friend in me...

"I was a nauseas and tingly all over. I was either in love, or I had smallpox." -Woody Allen