amateur hour:

I totally forgot which grind was for french press, so I had to look it up.
Couldn't figure out why my new keyboard wasn't syncing until I realized it wasn't turned on.
Didn't do laundry until like 5 minutes ago.
Forgot to get the car serviced before we leave for Faithwalkers tomorrow.
Excited for Faithwalkers, but nervous I'll forget something important.
Had to run upstairs to see who was playing on iTunes, because for some reason, Sparta didn't click in my brain. I was bummed about that enough that I just put on a radio station on Spotify, because I need some new music.


The awesome part about today: got to hang with my Grandma B since Christmas, or anytime really, is hard for her since my Grandad died 7 years ago; 8 years in three weeks. I could see the light in her eyes knowing that I decided to stay with her, instead go to California. Some things just mean more.

And another thing, I didn't "feel" Christmas at all - in a seasonal sense. I just wasn't wired up in the Christmas mood this year, I guess. Maybe because a lot of it is Western tradition, and Americanism is kind of dull to me because of what it's done to the Church.

That doesn't mean it's not real to me - it very much is, to celebrate the birth of my Lord. I suppose it's one of those small lessons in life that goes to show that just because I don't feel it, doesn't mean I've forgotten the significance of it. I'm floored by the grace of God. He is strong when I am weak, and always.

it's almost Christmas, and I feel sinfully busy.

this is the first semi-clear moment in my head to take a minute and just say something. I'm not kidding when I say that it's been a non-stop week. I've had max of 4 hours of sleep the last few nights and nothing seems to be going right.

the truth is, I'm having trouble being encouraged. Usually I am grateful to be giving gifts to people, to extend the graces that God has given me, but I'm really mostly just wrapped up in discouragement. the truth above that is that I'm free in Christ, who is victorious. He is my master, and I need to remember that His grace covers me. I am right, before God. That is truth, overwhelmingly.

Just got to keep my chin up. Press on.

This week: received my new keyboard, stand and case. Got a settlement from the car accident when I was rear ended. Practiced for Faithwalkers with Steele and crew. Received most of the gifts I'm giving away, via mail from Amazon. Prepping to spend Christmas without my family again, since they are going out of town this year. :-( *sigh*

My prayer is that God gives me rest, and that I may steward it well.

a low profile high-tail outta there

recently, it's been nice keeping to myself - for the most part.

Monday morning was a dreadful start to the week. I got rear ended on the way to work - nothing terribly damaging, but my neck hurts still. I'm alive, and thankful - and a very cool happenstance - I grabbed a green lid plug with my coffee that particular visit. I normally don't, but the feeling of not wanting my coffee to spill came over me. weird.

I've been working like madness to get these projects finished at work. Last week was just about a 60 hour week, and this week has been non-stop days. So it's nice to have some time to myself when I get a moment.

I bought a new keyboard, finally. Pretty stoked on it and I'm hoping it'll help spark some new creativity in a weird way. A gust of inspiration always comes with new stuff, in my experience, so I'm praying that God uses this in some way for His glory.

All I've been writing are songs that sound like the color blue. The dark, cobalt blue. The moonlit speakeasy blue. The jazz in Chicago in the rain blue. They're terribly dreadful and make me wanna take up spending $6 for tobacco again.

Elusive, tight lipped, and lots of reading. I still like to laugh, but alone times are the serious times. And considering my family is leaving next week, I'll be spending Christmas alone again this year, so I'll have a nice, quiet winter.

I couldn't sleep, so I wrote this instead. Just a peek into what's happened lately, I guess.

Records to listen to: (by Artist/Band only)

Nero
M83
Other Lives
JBM
Bonobo
Silversun Pickups
Trent Reznor & Karen O
Radiohead
Damien Rice

Some odd combos, but it's been keeping my head outside my brain all week. Good one.

Whenever I talk with Dan, he usually asks the hard questions, and it's good too.

I don't have many people who I allow in my head quite like that - most can't even think past the typicals. But I appreciate it, because it reminds me that I need to be more thoughtful of many things I often overlook.

and sometimes the only thing I'm left with after the conversations is, "I just don't know what I want anymore." Then I realize that I need some scratch paper, and to write out what things I need and are important. Then write out what things I want and come secondary.

Maybe I just need to go on a date. Or go out for some drinks. Or spend the weekend in, and not do anything with anyone.

I still want my 10 year goals, but I need a lot of praying and planning and refiguring out-ing. Right now all I can process is how much I haven't gotten done. But the good news is, I'll buy this bib for my kid when I'm a daddy:

My kids will be cooler than yours.

light on my feet

there's a play on words here -

I need to remain light on my feet, as to not stay idle so that I might trod swiftly amongst stones and bogs. Additionally, the Lord's word is a light unto my feet, and a lamp unto my path - thus, I must remain on course, following the light.

Though, I have a hard time keeping my eyes open. Stubborn, fickle me.
God forgive me of wanting things of my flesh.
God, make me know what I should want, more.