a map
a plotted trap
body armor
tired and broken

1 Timothy 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain,
7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 

I am riddled with this idea:
God created eternity because he saw that fit to be enough time to worship Him.

All things will pass, and there will be bliss, but bliss is a gross understatement.
So when I'm tired, weary, caught in wreckage - I remember my first Love.

The problem most Christians have is that when the moment of Salvation occurred,
one's definition of Love was imposed upon understanding the Love of God.
The love one came to know and understand from life remained the definition of God's Love.
What ought to happen is the Love of God replaces all our ideas of Love.
For it is the brightest and purest above all else.

This road is long and treacherous, but I welcome it.
Where but for the grace of God go I.

a few things, then I'll go to bed.

A very bittersweet evening.
Listened to some of High Violet on the way home - still one of my favorite records ever.
I love Dan Moore. So happy to have celebrated another wonderful birthday with him.

Wine tasting party:
It was a blind wine tasting. No labeled bottles, just glasses and numbers.
Bittersweet (there's the pun) and sobering (another pun) that I like expensive wine.
Absolutely wonderful feelings with being around everyone and enjoying each other.
It is the body of Christ.

Another bittersweet thing:
I feel more of a family there, than my real family.
It's still been a really hard week.
I'm looking forward to moving out. Though, the date is ambiguous and the setting is unknown.
It'll happen, soon.

To be sure, I love my parent's dearly, with all my heart.

Tomorrow night will be a nice get away.
Looking forward to prayer, worship, meeting with Jesus, community.
Another day in a whole new wide world. This life is becoming.

tonight I had lobster for the first time. ever.
wonderful. with steak, asparagus and croissants.
it was a nice rest in the midst of, well, this.


I was expecting a lot, but I had no idea it was this much, this fast.
Let's just say I'm glad God has given me a few things in the emergency preparedness dept.
And discernement. Thank you Jesus, for many many gifts.
Thank you for working through pain.
Thank you for renewing my heart.
Thank you for your grace, each day. Each moment.

there's something pure about sitting at the foot of my parent's bed and just crying.
there's no rule book anywhere that says a man can't do that.
there's a hollow feeling in seeing the demise of life as i knew it.

i don't know how or if i will shake this.
prayer.
this is a severe test of my self proclaimed love for theology.
this is a severe experience of the sweeping accolades of salvation.
thank you Jesus, even though this is hard.
thank you Jesus, for my trials. for knowing my pain more than i do.
thank you Jesus, for everything.

A wrecking ball
The hand of God moving, allowing things to occur.
Horrible, dreadful things happening.
Heat, blessings. Lots of fullness in my life.
Lots of grief. A weird dichotomy of good blessing and hurtful pain.

I've had my share of heartache to deal with over the years,
but this week has been the worst of it all.

My family is falling apart. Terrible, unspeakable things are willfully happening in my sibling's lives.
It breaks my heart. I'm having to cope with things I never thought I would have to think about.
By the grace of God, I function. It's been hard to focus.
Tonight was a blessing to be safe with my Church family and laugh. Have some beers and be ok.

It's to the point, though, where I'm going to get out of this mess.
I'm going to move out in the next month or two - with or without brothers.
It's just not worth it being around it. I can't handle anymore heartache.
Many, many things to pray about - and my first prayer is that I'm active, not passive, in my prayer life.
I need to be more intentional with my Lord, through prayer. It is a gift.

Maybe this is God's way of putting me in pastoral boot camp for my life.