Two would be heroes, plastering through the Rembrandt conversations, silver tongues and ostentatious. Only by the night. Only by way of exuberant jubilee. Walking disasters, but totally in love. Everyone loved them dearly. They were magnificent, and fragile.

It would be excused by the way the clamshell closed, and they slept soundly wrapped in red velvet, encasing a giant pearl.

My odyssey has not yet been had, though I live it day by day. His journal has collected dust. I have empty pages, and songs unsung. Pharaoh won't let me go. Brother won't pull me away. I'm avoiding jumping the gun and taking the early exit. These highways and paths, and toll booths, sure put life in the 10 items or less lane. No baggage means a flight just as slow as the woman who brought everything, and her Pomeranian named Douglas.

I don't know if I'll become who I thought I should be. Maybe I will.
Maybe the sun will always set, and make my heart feel the way it did tonight:
watching the ember and pink spill the sky with brisk air and biting fear of the future.

All will die, it just matters who with.

as of late, I feel:

mundane
stale
myopic
incomplete
alone
predictable

the only things I know are that I really don't like Peter or Betty. at all.
and I don't think I'm looking forward to this summer either. hot, dry - dragged out.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking forward to, because I haven't had goals in mind.

I'm going to spend some considerable time thinking about what's next.

hollow point

seeing isn't always believing.
there are many things I believe in that I have yet to see.
My Savior. Love. Music. I can't wait for Heaven, so I can see sound and look at music as it goes to God.

anyway, at the outset, it might look impenetrable and dull.
no sharp point. nothing really that makes it appeal to the eye.
but to the beholder, it will blow the back out of someone's head.
it will be deadly force, shoot to kill, but hit no one else.
there's more than meets the eye. and there's more things in this world just like this bullet.
124 grains of anything hollow point, is not a force to be reckoned with.

ideology, actions, words, passions, emotions - all can be hollow points, and blast through without regard.

Josh - "Don't worry about it, Hayden, it'll happen when you least expect it."
Me - "I've been least expecting for years now."

That pesky occurrence when I've had a long long day, having been up since 4 AM, and I fell asleep at 8:30 PM. Now I'm wide awake and restless. The night air is perfect right now. It's cool, but not too cold. The silence of tucked away suburbia brings this haze of timelessness - like there's nothing to wake up to, but a perpetual state of nightfall. Unsettling, because I can't enjoy it from having too many bad dreams.

Spoiled it.

Dark is the night of the soul, and the caverns go deeper.

lines

It's hard to be gracious when my toes get stepped on all the time. But I remain, by the grace of God.

There have been moments where no instruction is given, so I don't know where to go. I'm tired of waiting, so I'm going to go for things that need to get done.

Faux leadership is found in words and threats. Real leadership is found in actions and character.

I won't cower. I am painting new lines.

Who can time at a sleep like this?

You must excuse me for being vague, but there are so many things running through my head at this moment. I feel like Don Draper, I have a corner office, I'd like to have several drinks, and things are seemingly well on the outside. But I must confess, there's something most unsettling on the inside. I don't know what my next move is, and that freaks me out. Some days I feel forced in one direction, and other days I feel like there's nothing tying me down. C'est la vie. Who knows that knows, and would they tell. The wisest of men would not speak to this, for they know that giving away the ending ruins the whole way getting there. If only I had Don's hair…

it pisses me off so much that it makes me want to cuss and spit.

people throw away a wonderful thing like that, so foolishly, for fleeting shadows.

a selfish hoard of ideas.


frankly, it's hard to have compassion sometimes.
sometimes a broken heart happens on more occasions than expected.
someone else's choices effect me like this...
Josh was right, this is pastor boot camp.

It's probably way too late to write a post, but I'll be brief.

My heart is happy from having such a great night with a ton of people whom I love dearly.
Good meal, fun movie, lots of laughs. I love when everyone is smiling, and taking in good company.

I look forward to Heaven, so much, because it'll be like this, but without sin, and in the presence of the Almighty. God is very kind to me. I'm going to be 24 this year, and it's felt like a lifetime with such wonderful friends. Looking around at everyone's face and thinking of the blessing that God has given each of us. Old faces whom I've weathered the faith through, new faces who are fresh and beaming in their walk with the Lord, all things that make my heart skip a beat. I love each of them.

I need to devote more of my heart to people, because I can get scatter-brained and that can seem disingenuous. I mean well, it probably just looks superficial. That's one thing I'm going to try to be better with. Love, and love life

I heard a rumor I told myself that I love trenches and drenched magazines. Brass lying everywhere. Sometimes when things aren't as "oppressive" or hard as first world, American problems can be, I think that I need to have something going wrong in my life. I need to grow in faith in that area. Sometimes God grants me rest and times that are supposed to be okay.

Life is full, and I decided to not be passive, but to allow this season for God to grow me in faith. I like how Elijah, proving the might and faithfulness of his Lord, called out all the king's magicians, pagan priests, and the like, called for his alter to be stacked and drenched, and drenched some more, to prove the power and greatness that our God gives and displays. He even gave them their chance first, calling on them, with their dry and shallow alter, to call upon Baal to send down fire. Nada.

God shows up, as Elijah calls on his Lord, and burns everything up into nothingness. Fire sent from heaven. UNREAL. Totally happened. Even the moat of water surrounding it dried up!

Elijah had people mock him, the world tell him other ways than God's way, and seemingly impossible circumstances in front of him. He moved it even further, because he trusted in God THAT much, to show that the Supernatural overcomes the natural.

Incredible example to me. Big faith challenge. And in whatever way this makes the most sense, I'm not going to allow my heart to be told other ways by this world, or pursue things that I think I should pursue. I'm going to drench my heart and drench it some more, so it's soaked like a sponge, and whatever plans, purposes, people and ideas He has for my life have to be solidified through Him. He's gotta turn up the heat and show me it's the real deal. Because I can allow my heart to fall in love with a many splendid thing, but who has the time.

So until that day, I'll saturate my heart with him, and he'll show me from there.

Dan Moore for the win -

"The late bird needs to pay better attention." speaking on the early bird gets the worm...


T'was a good night.