I'm not the only one.
I don't stand alone.
In - these feelings.
These - restless nights.
Hoping - but discouraged.
Like a can of worms, I've heard numerous expressions from various people (some of whom don't normally talk that deeply with me, let alone confide in) over the past week of this pandemic.
I'm trying to stay faithful, and finding anchors. I feel like I'm even struggling to keep my head about the white caps and crests of waves. I've found a fondness of some new words: perspicuity, veracity, and doldrums.
No idea why, I just like 'em.
But, to be fair, I have a few wonderful things God has given me - amidst a world of illusion, paper walls, fringe safety, and "freedom". God has shown me a lot, and grown in my heart a deeper desire for the things of Him. I get freaked out and spooked, but at the end of the day, I won't be idle.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Last night I watched Good Will Hunting, and Memento before that, for the first times. Maybe it's an odd pairing, but I've been in an odd mood.
Good Will Hunting was a really cool movie. There were a few parts that made me choked up. I haven't seen a film since Up that did that to me. Interesting feeling, trying to relate to people who you don't even know, but you know exactly what it is they feel in that moment, and you fight for them in your heart.
Memento was wild. I called Netflix at the end to complain about their streaming service playing the movie backwards. I enjoyed it, and all the swearing in it made me feel like I was back at work.
I don't know what the deal is, though. It's been a waterworks fest lately.
There are moments of weeping over my brother, because he's a homosexual and needs to repent and turn to Jesus. I love him with the truth, and I try to pursue him, even though his heart is in a rebellion. It sucks way bad. That, plus the entitlement attitude, disrespect, disobedience, and suppressing the truth.
There are moments I cry for my sister, who lives with her boyfriend, and I think that she should know better, and I get discouraged at how broken my family is. I think that's why I'm so drawn to amazing families within the Church.
I think that's why I want to be a daddy so bad. My parents did the best they could, and I love them for it. My dad never had a dad - Jerry showed up after my dad was born and he had another woman with him even as he came home to see his own son before taking off again. The dude was a handful of swearwords to say the least. I hope he got saved at the end of his life. I hope Jesus rescued him. Despite that, my dad has done well, and works hard, and loves with a tough, coach-esq love.
I don't really know where these tangents are coming from, but mostly to say that I've been feeling more emotion out of my callous heart lately.
But I do want to be a daddy, and make home safe. Love my wife with my whole heart and serve her with my life. Raise children in the Lord.
Sometimes things happen so backwardsly, even to the point of making up words like backwardsly.
These aren't the things I was looking forward to. Maybe it is time for me to leave...
Good Will Hunting was a really cool movie. There were a few parts that made me choked up. I haven't seen a film since Up that did that to me. Interesting feeling, trying to relate to people who you don't even know, but you know exactly what it is they feel in that moment, and you fight for them in your heart.
Memento was wild. I called Netflix at the end to complain about their streaming service playing the movie backwards. I enjoyed it, and all the swearing in it made me feel like I was back at work.
I don't know what the deal is, though. It's been a waterworks fest lately.
There are moments of weeping over my brother, because he's a homosexual and needs to repent and turn to Jesus. I love him with the truth, and I try to pursue him, even though his heart is in a rebellion. It sucks way bad. That, plus the entitlement attitude, disrespect, disobedience, and suppressing the truth.
There are moments I cry for my sister, who lives with her boyfriend, and I think that she should know better, and I get discouraged at how broken my family is. I think that's why I'm so drawn to amazing families within the Church.
I think that's why I want to be a daddy so bad. My parents did the best they could, and I love them for it. My dad never had a dad - Jerry showed up after my dad was born and he had another woman with him even as he came home to see his own son before taking off again. The dude was a handful of swearwords to say the least. I hope he got saved at the end of his life. I hope Jesus rescued him. Despite that, my dad has done well, and works hard, and loves with a tough, coach-esq love.
I don't really know where these tangents are coming from, but mostly to say that I've been feeling more emotion out of my callous heart lately.
But I do want to be a daddy, and make home safe. Love my wife with my whole heart and serve her with my life. Raise children in the Lord.
Sometimes things happen so backwardsly, even to the point of making up words like backwardsly.
These aren't the things I was looking forward to. Maybe it is time for me to leave...
Monday, July 9, 2012
Soldier
In the past I've thought about enlisting in the military. And I must confess, those thoughts come back from time to time. It's not a small, trifling, fleeting idea. It's something that ultimately, not to sound cliché, means standing for God and my country. And I like the idea of going elsewhere in the world, and fighting for justice.
At this point, I think it would be easiest to separate from everything that is "normal" in my life. I'm not married, no kids, no mortgage, and plenty of opportunity before me. Things aren't exactly how I pictured when I was 19 going on 20. Growing up isn't some ten items or less express lane to success. I'm learning that cultivating tremendous amounts of hard work, with sometimes no pay off, makes for character building. I think willingly going down another hard road will prove to be rewarding, knowing what I'm getting into. Knowing that there's a possibility of me dying. Knowing I am not leaving anyone behind.
It's a wild thought, and I'm writing this on my iPhone, so I should go. But for all I know, I could wake up in a dramatically different situation tomorrow. God knows.
At this point, I think it would be easiest to separate from everything that is "normal" in my life. I'm not married, no kids, no mortgage, and plenty of opportunity before me. Things aren't exactly how I pictured when I was 19 going on 20. Growing up isn't some ten items or less express lane to success. I'm learning that cultivating tremendous amounts of hard work, with sometimes no pay off, makes for character building. I think willingly going down another hard road will prove to be rewarding, knowing what I'm getting into. Knowing that there's a possibility of me dying. Knowing I am not leaving anyone behind.
It's a wild thought, and I'm writing this on my iPhone, so I should go. But for all I know, I could wake up in a dramatically different situation tomorrow. God knows.
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