Kids

MGMT came on shuffle after driving home from hanging with most everyone a few years younger than me. It kind of felt nostalgic to remember another life that wasn't too long ago, but feels, other life-ish. It was fun, and good to laugh and be silly. I think my life got way serious underneath me and I don't realize how mild mannered I am at work, so it's good for these things to remind me to break out of my shell.

I had time to let loose a bit and hang with friends who are not my usual crew, but they're a great bunch to hang with. And they pick terrible spots to go bowling - but who wants to drive ALL the way downtown for Bonwood?!?! Haha.

Anyway, control yourself, take only what you need from me.

losing track of time

It's a night of solid dosage. I really worshiped the King, and Paul's band did great. Steele's sermon was timely, and I feel like I could do well to give my life away more. That doesn't seem to be something I'm running to do that much anymore. So many people to give my life to.

So little time. It's nice to break away and be around people who I haven't been around in a long time. I feel strongly that God has championed me in certain areas, and I need to step it back up and give full throttle again. I'm only 24, and though I feel unaccomplished in some ways, I recognize God has positioned everything precisely as he saw fit to be best. That's where stay, resolved and keeping track of time again.

Where but for the grace of God go I.

spark notes

Inevitably I seem to always say something that gets blown up on Facebook, misconstrued, and I get pinned as the guy who's angry, plotting fiery posts to condemn and cut. To my fault, I fail to clarify much of anything because my mind is on one track and I just don't think to expound on where I'm coming from. Need to work on that. And I need to be more gracious I think.

All my heart really wants to do is share truth, that is God's word, and have a social commentary alongside it. Christians have for too long been bombarded with the world's views and forced to socially dwell  alongside these anti-God policies. I think Christians need to overall be tougher on these issues and literally live our life and doctrine. We hold these godly positions and convictions because it is the very means by which our lives are run and governed. God has given his word and he wants obedient children daily - not just in the auditorium on a Saturday night.

So, I get militant in a fired up, call to arms kind of way, and forget to be gracious and leave my manners at the door. Live and learn, and ask for forgiveness. I'm trying my best, I really am. Anymore though, the Church cannot afford to be soft - which is different than gentle. We have to hold fast to the truth, and as Josh reminded me tonight, be seasoned with salt.

I mess up, I repent, I ask God for help. Start again. My mother says a woman will even me out, and I guess mother knows best. I've gotta shake these spark notes...

treat, no tricks.

I am happy to have people come over.
It's nice to have company, after I go home from the company.
I wish I had a thousand dollars to just buy everyone nice steaks and have a formal event.
Dancing, merriment, drinks, music, no worries.
I live in a dream world, or am just catching up on Mad Men...there's a difference?
When I'm fit and skinny, I'll feel like I've achieved something. Because honestly, I've had a lack for goals in my life. Not just far off lofty goals that take years and years to reach, but something to do by Christmas, or next Spring. Like tangible, count down the days type-o-goals. I miss counting days.

God is good and gives many good gifts. I'm thankful for everyone in my life.

It's one of those unknown feelings, a shock and innocence - that of which a child feels when something remarkable and grand comes into full view. A lot of consideration, thought, prayer, council, saving, planning, scoping, and dreaming will go into this. God will put me in the right spot, but I am looking. My eyes are bigger than my pocketbook, so I need some anchors. I never imagined these days coming so quickly, but they are.

I can't wait to say, "Welcome Home."

Wilderness

Something unsheltered and raw has been scratching at the back of my eyes. An idea maybe. Something that started a long time ago, but has continued to smolder through ruin and duress. I've had my up days, sure, but there haven't been any stark moments of sunshine or clear horizons. No, it's been wilderness. I've been championed with this lofty goal - a task that only the strong hearted, only those who know their weakness and have the ability to surrender it can attain. This narrow road, and barren idealism, it's...it's not something that just anyone can grasp. No. It's much more demanding than an initial verbal agreement. That first moment of a rush that flutters through your heart, when you think that everything is right in the world, it doesn't mean anything when the hard things come biting back out of the black forests of time. There seemed to be a huge loss of that golden installment. That thrill of hope. But slithering demons and festering flesh boiled into your mind, and you fell in love with yourself as god. Even those who are of the strong hearted camp, even those who fight to carry on and cut through black. They even look back without regard to becoming pillars of salt. They, even I, reminisce about the times that it was easier to know nothing of what we do now, and live in blissful death. The pleasure and erotic seduction of wallowing in nothingness, to live as self proclaimed gods. Surely, we said, we will be like god. The Great Dragon told our first mother this, and genetically this was engraved as stone into the hearts of all. There was hell to pay, but only with the souls of the dead. The writing is on the wall, and the call to press forward, through this wilderness forcefully, is ever before us, beaming like a beacon of hope, breaking the callous scales that shroud my eyes. I have only the King to be loyal for. I have only him to prove my love. None other are the objects of my affection.

I really pull for my companions to journey swiftly alongside me - and to see folly for what it is. I don't have the map, or know the way entirely, but I follow the great beacon, the King of Kings.

Take a moment. Take seven.
Draw a breath.
Close your eyes, and forget about pain.
Exhale.
The lucidity of life is marred by the flash in the pan moments of interconnectivity.
I can't feel, you can't feel. Too cold has this hot attraction made all of us.

Silence. A silver knife cutting through your thoughts - you've craved this for so long.
The stillness of cold, dark nights. Your soul stirs for solace beta 2.0.

Sister, you may feel like a failure, but you don't realize how much love you brought to the table.
Brother, you can feel the weight of the world resting on your shoulders, but you aren't alone.

I've lost track of too much - forgiven and forgotten. Many people will never come to terms with liking me, but that's ok - as long as they find Jesus. But since I'm a Calvinist, Jesus will undoubtedly find them. That's what makes it easy to sleep at night. That's what makes people never liking me be an ok condition. God prevails. He is sovereign and has his way. It's this largely important theme in my life. The scope of which transcends past what little plans I have for the future.

So those times when I pray, I take a moment, take seven...

Who is John Galt?

Step Up, boy.

God told Noah he was going to destroy the world, but he gave him 120 years. I still have time, but I don't want to live in faithlessness, or undermine the mercy of God.

Sometimes a what is really beneath can really rock the boat. I can't keep looking at the surface.
Lord, give me eyes and heart.

Right now, I'm sitting at my desk. Not because I have to. Not because I was asked. There are a few reasons.

Two of which are simple.

A. I work better at night, alone, and uninterrupted.
B. There is much to be done, and if I'm the man for the job, for this season, I'll prove it.

God is so kind to have given me this time and opportunity. I have nothing apart from Him.
God is so kind to have given me his Spirit and grace. I am nothing apart from Him.

It's nice to listen to music in the dead of night. I feel a sense of exhilaration. I love that it's cold at night. It makes listening to certain songs, or bands, or hums so much more of that realness I felt before the war took my heart and seared it in heat and angst. The cooling of the hemisphere melts my heart again.

It's a slow reconditioning, but a big one. Awake.

riddles in the dark

It is easily lost, and hard to gain
It is forged with unprecedented strength, yet made with immaterial
It can't be bought, but only given
It comes from mankind, but originates from God
It's invisible, yet you can see it by words and actions
Though not made of metal, it is mostly rust.

What is it?

I'm learning a lot of it.

Also, Tadd said something remarkable today:
"There are two kinds of Proverbs women one can be involved with, and you should make sure she's not the first kind mentioned..."

Duly noted, Sir.

hope

I can look past all the tendrils and weeds that thorn through security. There have been so many maps, and plans, and unscathed paths where my heart has been ever so inclined to follow, but it always only comes to the last moment of what God really wanted.

keeping up

There are many new and exciting things that have swooped into my life, all by the providential hand of God, and I could talk about them all - but to spare some time right now, I am simply thankful and blessed.

God is teaching me valuable lessons in leadership, stewardship, and faithfulness. Namely, that he is always showing me faithfulness. I'm learning to stay with the curve. I've lost 15 pounds already. I'm feeling great in a ton of areas of life.

I love autumn, and I love what's happening this autumn. And I love that I have to wear a jacket now. Thank you Jesus for all these things, great and small. A heart of gratitude I give to you, Lord.

WideAwakeTonight

I'm laying here in bed totally restless, with a million things running through my head. I'm thinking to myself, "what am I going to do?"

I'm thinking about all the things ahead of me. The workloads that I'm taking on. My plans for next year. The stacks of books I want to get through by the end of the year. The conversations that I had today. The weight of my words. The fact that this diet is making me physically lower in functionality with a shorter attention span to focus. Wondering why I have not listened to Jimmy Eat World or Death Cab for Cutie yet, and it's already been fall for a few weeks. Wondering if I'll ever get to smoke a cigarette with one of my favorite musicians, or kiss a pretty girl on the lips, then marry her a few months later.

And then I realized, about four hours ago I had a cup of coffee. What am I thinking!?