time is on my side

When I remember all the time I've wasted on silly things, I laugh with a jab of bewilderment and sarcasm as I cover the pit in my stomach. I never wanted to say I could have done more, or been more, but there are realities that come up through the refinement to prove otherwise.

I don't have regret, I have sorrow and repentance, sans condemnation.

Today, well, today is new. I am a Christian. I'm not a single Christian, I'm a Christian who is single right now. That doesn't define me. Sure, I make mention that I want a woman, a real woman who is dead set on Kingdom come, who will love Jesus more than me and whip me into shape. Even that I struggle days going on without her. But, nevertheless, that doesn't define me. I am a Christian who plays music. That doesn't define me, although I love music so very much and want to use what God has given me well. I am a Christian who works a lot, but that doesn't define me. Making more money than most 25 year olds make doesn't define me, although I realize it's a kind provision from the Lord and he's enabled me to do things beyond my imagination. Materials don't define me. Assets and possessions don't define me. I am a Christian.

Horizontal relationships come second. My chief end is to glorify God as an obedient son. I want closeness and vibrancy. Radiate grace and seriousness, and joy and the sorrow of living in this world of sin. Jesus, bring me so close. I want to be the man that God made for her, for them, for those whom I love dearly and those who I don't know yet.

Even as I write this, the Scientist comes on, and as tears well up in my eyes, I remember that nobody said it was easy, and that I'm going back to the start - my first love. Thank you Jesus that you define me. That I am yours and that you keep letting me come back.

Terms and Conditions pt 1

1 Peter 3:17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.

No one really reads the iTunes terms and conditions before downloading the newest software update, or the e-signature tax filing agreement on H&R Block's website, or even the healthcare forms of consent before visiting the doctor. Yet these things are legally binding agreements I agree to, and could have huge implications on my life if something went awry. These agreements have weight over our lives.

In the same way, I see that tendency in my own life as I read the Bible. Some days I will be reading out of habit or because I know I should, and gloss over it until I know I'm getting to a familiar verse, or even think to myself I "understand the jist of this..." when all I should be doing is striving to know the whole council of God. To know line upon line, precept upon precept. Why would I act this way? It's not always on purpose, it's mostly from a lack of discipline and lolly-gagging around in daydream land. Not only does Scripture hold weightier implications on my life today, but eternally; immeasurably more than said documents I flippantly consent to. Knowing God by his revealed word means that I need to focus in devotional times, and not go down mental rabbit trails as God is trying to speak to me.

Well this morning I read the verse above found in 1 Peter 3, and I was struck by three major principles. It caused for a hard look at my life, even now despite the many areas of life and ministry where I esteem to obey and serve The Lord. God spoke to me in a still small voice, and yet so profoundly. Again with this regular theme in my life of "well of course that's true", they are seemingly simple principles, but life changing altogether. They are as follows:

1. As if God said this to my heart, "Hayden, of course you will face suffering. You have suffered in the past and Jesus himself said in this world you will have tribulation. I do not delight in your pain, but rather I have a plan that your parochial, finite view cannot see, and I do want you to grow in holiness closer to me. The principle of the refiner's fire, the true test of character, the Holy Spirit being sent to you as Jesus prayer is recorded in John 17, the author of Hebrews calling Christ the Author AND Perfector of your faith - seeing my faith to it's full completion." All that truth coupled with the reality that, yes, suffering is inevitable. It may and probably will look different than the suffering of 1st and 2nd century Christians, suffering the Jews faced in Auschwitz, or even what Arab Christians face today in the Middle East, but suffering exists all the same. Even just being in the flesh and having to have a knowledge of the law and then exposed to rampant sin, as Paul expressed in Romans 7. Suffering, in whichever form God allows for my life or those around me, in pagan 21st Century America, is ultimately for his glory, and not our resting place, but thorn bushes we have to press through on this straight and narrow path through the valley of the shadow of death. 

Time fails me to write the rest of my thoughts today, so points two and three will be addressed in follow up posts. I'm incredibly grateful that God is bringing me out of this plateau stage of life and into the running again. Soli Deo Gloria.

if it's possible

I'll try to leave things better than when I found them.
I'll try so much to pick out the pieces from the fallen sadness.
My own, and yours. That moment when I lost it, lost you.

Sometimes all that cures what ails me is a night alone, whiskey, thinking and a record player.

But I also want to be happy and have fun and not leave places feeling alone and bitter, even if I am bitter. There's always garbage to deal with, so I have to know I'm more of the rule than the exception. The sad reality we face is that the hardest thing about our lives is not getting what we want, and treading in knee deep regret. I'm trying to break out of those shackles and hold a better, new perspective and allow God's sovereignty to permeate other areas of my heart. There's time to be stringent, and deliberate, and even opinionated, but when it comes to important things, there's no room to tuck fhings up.

This autumn air I feel at night is perfect. These leaves are turning a new me.
Gotta stay real, and be encouraging because God gave me the gift of contagiousness, and I realize that.
God is teaching me so many things - I'm leveling out of this plateau and headed on the upswing. Too many things to get straight or worry about, but so much to gain and I'm so grateful. God is mostly teaching me to be objective, even keeled, compassionate, and be personal again.

Self serving satisfaction has no place here, even though it fights to come back and stay.

Plan for the future.
Almost out of debt.
I was never robbed of years.
IRA, Savings, Assets.
Things that matter in one sense.
More important pressing matters now.
Where should I go?
Just because I can doesn't mean I should.
Listen to the bass drop, and that pulse.
Fill up my life, and the room, and my heart.
Too many leaks, wallet is burning.
Self control, patience, grace.
Will I ever have wisdom, even if I shave my head always?
No grey hairs, no protection from the sun.
Just telling dad jokes and talking about theology, guns, and music.
My life has to be more than summed up in a few wanna-be poetic phrases.

It has to be.
No more letting things slip by.
No more forgetting people.
Too much is at stake.

Let's go.

"If everyone was doing what you are doing, would the world be reached with the Gospel?"
-Herschel Martindale

A cause for pause - I am really stoked on the last month of sermons at church. Bill, Mac, Josh and Steele have killed it and really really hit home on a lot of areas in my life. I'm also elated that they've addressed hard, but necessary truth to the church. Some very pointed topics that serve as good reminders and new things to consider in the continual sanctification of the body. It takes about 20 years to reform a church, and I'm working tirelessly, hard, and with joy towards that end. Not in a way that would make us be Presbyterian or Lutheran, but in a way that takes a seeker sensitive group and actually reaffirms the Saints as the Church and that corporate worship is for the believer to bring and offer worship to God by way of adoration, praise, opening their hearts for the message, conviction, encouragement, and obedient participation in ministries and evangelism.

This D.A. Carson book is amazing, and I'm so glad God has kept me single to participate in this study.
These sections in Luke we'll go over have some really incredible things to learn.
Real, authentic Christianity that I pray causes waves in SLC more.
It's been a decade, but it also feels like the beginning.
Here I am, Lord, teach me your ways, show me your grace.
Soli Deo Gloria.

days gone by

It seems that all of life needs to fit in before 9AM and from 6PM to midnight. And boy, you better believe me when I say, I pray for nights to fall asleep by 10, but I'm so wired that when I lay down, my heart wont stop bleeding and all I can think about is the clinching of my jaw and what I didn't get done.

Sometimes I psyche myself out because I don't really know the date, or how far into summer it is, or what's coming up next. I told my mother that I love her, and appreciate giving me her life, and that it's time for me to get out. I don't have anywhere to put my things, and driving home is a part time job. Aside from where I sleep at night, my life has been so wrote. I have not taken a vacation for myself, and all time off is sucked away by doing things the church asks me to do. I'm not upset by it, it'll be my life the rest of my days, I just want to find someone to love and give her that foremost. It'd be nice to actually pursue things that make me happy instead of feeling grey and paid and sour. And it's one of those things where I don't want to wake up and be 32 and still here. Forgetting days, not having the time I want for the things I want. It's hard to see what God wants and has for me with all these fish in a barrel. Sometimes I look at people I used to know and want to know and the only thing I can do is force a smirked smile and think, "What in the hell happened?"

Who can love, really? Maybe I have no capacity for it anymore. It'll be 25 years for me next week, a decade since I've been coming to church, so I really pray God gives me a fresh chapter and new slate to paint the next five years red and live in the black.

I AM says who I am

I have to start giving myself more slack and live in grace. There's this feeling of incompleteness I'm getting over. I'm not who I think I am, I'm not even who others think I am. C'mon man, get back to it, you are who God sees you and knows you to be.

Fearfully, wonderfully made. Redeemed. Yet, the temporal quickly gives way to seeing what I don't have, or haven't done, or where I lack. Struggling through things, because holiness does hurt.

No one can fall in love with a résumé. Accolades don't give reason for existence. Purpose is found only in Christ. So yes, keep pressing for notable and high goals, but they aren't measurements for success, worth, or even validation. God won't give me things that I will let become idols. 

A house is a good thing to push towards, but it doesn't define me. A woman is a gift from God, but she won't save my broken heart, and I can't view a wife as a savior from the things I don't want to deal with. A six figure income can be used to worship God in different ways, but not more than where I am now. 

I guess there are new views The Lord has been showing me in regards to personal worth as a son, and stewardship because this time and place I've been put into existence. Simple truth for some, but being finite and so easily over-saturated, I forget too quickly.

That's why scripture always points to Christ over and over and over, because that's how much we forget. 

Soli Deo Gloria