there's something about new blue jeans

I love getting new pants
and today, I got three new pairs
I feel like a new dude with new goals
It's weird, and I'm somehow stoked on everything


This has also made me want to watch what I eat, and diet better.
Also work out three times a week at least. (I have a gym pass that hasn't been used much)

I have had a good weekend, considering it's late Sunday already and I'm spent.
Great to meet Chad Johnson from Come & Live, and hang out with the dudes.
Lots of dreams and ideas to work out, getting council this week.
Pressing through all this muddy schoolwork, to attain the prize of a degree.

I've had weird and freaky dreams the last few nights, and it messes with my heart a lot.
This IS random and mostly sentence explanations of what's going on.
I dig that God is refining me, way past and continually beyond where I thought I would be.
And, I have new pants. Sweet

when the water turns to wine, did it feel the same?

it goes much faster than anticipated - - - or, out of context, it seems normal?
they laced all the candy with cocaine, sucking the bottle dry, and we're all weaning into slavery.

it's sadness, because so many people will not stand up. they've been crippled.
covenant liars, promising that they'll change, but they're changing the people, to fit their ideas.
bending to breaking, breaking of bread to picking up my cross. it's difficult, but necessary.


microphone-check one two, i would usually go there. my mind is blannnnnnnnnk=Syntax Error///////////////////////00001011010110101100010100101110101011101010110010100010101000101
→±∞∠2∫x:42*≠♥

i was never good at math, or love. that's what that means
this doesn't feel the same, and you know that too. there are things i really wish i would have said, six years ago. it's been a really hard few weeks. very reflective, not satisfied, completely convicted, and apathy moved in next door, and she keeps peering out the blinds-waiting to sneak in.

the temperature has decreased, which I really admire. there are so many scars I see, that prove the war. Just looking at the wrinkles on my forehead, and how haggard this road has been, I feel like I can keep going onward. There's zero point in stopping for a rest right now.

breathe in the autumn, baby. (if you were somebody else...)

Ivory Tower

I find that my world is crumbling down. Which is quite odd considering that it's "my world" and not "the world", so in my proximity, I should have noticed these things.

Cookie cutter ideas of who people are, what things should be, times, places and changes are all not what I expected. I built things up, and didn't build some things up enough. My kingdom and dominion is now dust, and open handed I stand before God's sovereign purpose, blowing a gust of wind and wiping everything away. Sometimes it feels like I'm just staring at the sun for so long, then I try and look elsewhere and decide where to go; except I can't see anything, so out of impulse I just run. My corneas are seared and I can only see certain things now. Which is good, considering the place I live. A.K.A. The World....

I've been wrong about a lot of things. But I've also been certain about a lot of things, even things that are certainly not in my best interest. Things that I hoped would come to pass, but now I realize that some princesses just aren't worth it, and some treasures are worth less than the cost to attain them. That would sound cowardice to some, but for right now, I do not have the time nor the slightest desire to chase shadows.

I fought the dragon, and he burned me. I stood before the door, and I shuffled through many keys. I left my sword under my pillow, and the tooth fairy cut off her hands. This week has been full of weird dichotomies. I've been a bad steward, but sure learned a lot. I've dropped the ball, yet gained a lot of ground. I'm confused and certain about my directions. I realized I haven't listened to Plans yet, and it's even Jacket weather already. I just keep thinking this is so surreal, I'm going to wake up in a drug induced coma, or find out that I've been in a dream this whole time. But I pinch myself to assure that even in writing this, I've not completely lost my mind. (There's a bunch of wanted posters, with rewards for anyone giving information to the retrieval and safe return of my mind...)

At the end of the day:
I am
Longing for home, Heaven, beyond the grey haven, white shores beckoning my name.

Jesus, King and Ruler. The Son waits for his Father's appointed time to reconcile his bride.
I need to become more sanctified. It's been so hard this week, Harder than ever though, considering everything (thinking to myself).

One day. It'll all come to pass. And my ideas are different now. A lot, so, that's that.

I guess I'm there

I really do understand what Max went through. He stumbled upon something that was foreign, imperfect, but exactly what he needed. Carroll was inconsistent, but that's ok. Max never really had a grasp of normalcy, seeing that his father wasn't there.

This is where the wild things are, now.

It's a far off place, somewhere entirely otherworldy, but remastered and wonderful.
I think I just find myself looking for companionship, so much.
I think I imagine being a part of the wild rumpus. Creating a huge pile.
Being a kid, and not wishing I was grown up.
I feel like that's all I did; discontent with growing up a lonely kid. Wanting so badly to be older, independent and have my own way. I never fully was just a kid. Repressed dreams that happen, after long tiresome days, and thirty minute naps. But now it's time for proper bed time. Ok sweet. Good night moon, and the red balloon.

arms length

it's a reach
but a distance
a safe place
but so lonely
a paradox
yet a solution
keeping things
holding them back
my hands are open
my wrists are stiff
my fingers are cold
but that's what gloves are for

until I broaden my reach
I will always push away
standing one way for so long
then turning another way only for a moment
I start to realize why I stood like that, forever

no one knows, not even me
I'm always bad with seeing things
I still need a new prescription...
only God knows, that's good for me

inconceivable comprehension? maybe.

This comes at an odd time, as I am incredibly blessed, overjoyed, and grateful Jesse and KaLee got married tonight!

But for some reason, that's completely unrelated, today was incredibly difficult.

my heart was so heavy, my mind was so masked.
i felt like my eyes weren't real, and everything was just a tossing sea

I read Ephesians 5:15-17 and I have been enormously convicted this week. It's carried on into now. Nothing really makes sense for now, but I feel cluttered and chaotic, inside.

I run from things I should face, but I get angry about them anyway.  I tolerate things I shouldn't say, but I've created an environment that promotes my less that acceptable behavior.  It's like I pour concrete all over myself and expect to run just like the rest.  Even despite me telling others about the said act of frosting myself in concrete.

I hate when people patronize me, and become condescending.  I feel unjustly treated.
I love those people who reconcile, and desire harmony in our lives.  I feel completely blessed.
It's a delicate balance that is always tipped and prodded, daily. But even when it comes to sinning, I deeply am burdened by how much comes to the surface when I look for it. AND I ask God for repentance, to sanctify me and lead me to everlasting.

Tonight I said that I want to be on the level of a pastor, even if I never become one. How?
Relationally with the Lord
Interactively with my peers, the saints and family
Scholarly of Scripture
Academically of Theology and Doctrine
Generously with affluence and aid
Lovingly with compassion and grace
Effectively with high standards and humility
Visionally with direction, plans and structure

So, those are things I'm working on now, to develop and implement over the course of my five year plan. But for now, there are things I must tackle this weekend, even before five years hits. I have a heavy heart, but it's good. I remembered that I had one tonight. I felt it. I give it to God now. But I had to write this and get it off my chest. Really really good talk with Philip too. That dude is on it.

"No one grows by being passive, comfortable, and ignoring things..." -Philip

complain like a pirate day...arrrrgh (see what i did there?)

i feel like i'm forever, because i keep unwinding
i feel like i'm not clever, because of all the things i don't win
i know that i'm like clockwork, because of my nervous tick
i know that i'm like grass, because from the dirt i come and will wither and be gone from here

home is where I long for.
there are too many injustices, and not enough time to explain precautionaries to missionaries.
black and white, hot and bitter on top. cold, sweet liquid underneath...shot in the dark-suprise.
cover me in words, because the silence is nude.
i'm hiking up a mountain, to get closer to space, to see the lights that have already exploded.
i'm withdrawing from everything, to be nearer to You, specifically.

i'm over bureaucratics, and passive aggressiveness.
if you want something said, then look me in the eye
or else, you're a coward, and have weakness all over

it's filling up your bathtubs, and dripping from your eyes.
weakness; completely different than meekness.

these are my twisted words...


"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
-Douglas Adams

don't panic

i'm sinking like stones, all that we fall for...


it's like concrete, certain, and absolute.
space is so massive, one billion, to the thirty thousandth power, not slight diminished.
thinking it over, it's like computing all of life's problems, and concluding that it's about as ridiculous as MTV's Cribs. A universal laughable matter, like Snooky and her Oompa Loompa ego/skin/fashion.

If that doesn't make sense, then I'm just going to play Super Nintendo in the receptacle bay.


What is the probability of me staggering onto any sort of reason and rhyme. I need a paranoid android to sort out the algorithmic passive yet pragmatic aspects of life. A mind better than google, but more secretive than the CIA.

The truth is, we live in a beautiful world. A super structured highway wont pass through the minds of the blind, unless they are willing to have operation. Gleaning towards a five paced fashion. And what I mean by that is things are completely unpredictable. Lose yourself in the music, the moment, you want it-never let it go. Then, Eminem gets out of rehab, and you see the totality of depravity, and how much we completely overlook and idolize panhandling of shortcomings and sexual drug abuse.

It's worse than mixing up species.

But the truth is, I'm still completely determined, if that makes sense?


It's all jib jab, nothing of context, but everything of Billionaric status. We don't own the midwest anymore, no more pajamagrams or cut flowers, or sugar cookies, no matter how great the icing is.

I just realize, that the truth is, not any inch of this makes sense, except by me. I'm no ninja, just a wild oven riding in the juxtaposed personification of desert island, making daiquiris and public radio. Slim Jim, snap into is and do some damage. My glory computer is bleeding------shut up Eddy!