inconceivable comprehension? maybe.

This comes at an odd time, as I am incredibly blessed, overjoyed, and grateful Jesse and KaLee got married tonight!

But for some reason, that's completely unrelated, today was incredibly difficult.

my heart was so heavy, my mind was so masked.
i felt like my eyes weren't real, and everything was just a tossing sea

I read Ephesians 5:15-17 and I have been enormously convicted this week. It's carried on into now. Nothing really makes sense for now, but I feel cluttered and chaotic, inside.

I run from things I should face, but I get angry about them anyway.  I tolerate things I shouldn't say, but I've created an environment that promotes my less that acceptable behavior.  It's like I pour concrete all over myself and expect to run just like the rest.  Even despite me telling others about the said act of frosting myself in concrete.

I hate when people patronize me, and become condescending.  I feel unjustly treated.
I love those people who reconcile, and desire harmony in our lives.  I feel completely blessed.
It's a delicate balance that is always tipped and prodded, daily. But even when it comes to sinning, I deeply am burdened by how much comes to the surface when I look for it. AND I ask God for repentance, to sanctify me and lead me to everlasting.

Tonight I said that I want to be on the level of a pastor, even if I never become one. How?
Relationally with the Lord
Interactively with my peers, the saints and family
Scholarly of Scripture
Academically of Theology and Doctrine
Generously with affluence and aid
Lovingly with compassion and grace
Effectively with high standards and humility
Visionally with direction, plans and structure

So, those are things I'm working on now, to develop and implement over the course of my five year plan. But for now, there are things I must tackle this weekend, even before five years hits. I have a heavy heart, but it's good. I remembered that I had one tonight. I felt it. I give it to God now. But I had to write this and get it off my chest. Really really good talk with Philip too. That dude is on it.

"No one grows by being passive, comfortable, and ignoring things..." -Philip