sometimes love is expressed in hard words

solemn faith. pathetic walk.
distant prayers - few and far between.
are you more concerned about things of this world, or Christ?
do you get upset over trivial, fleeting matters, or upset over sin?
is the root of your brain stuck to garbage, or scripture?
does your message convey academia, or the gospel?
are you more concerned with finding your place in this world, or finding your identity in Christ?
do you love God how you ought to, or do you know more about television programs than you should?

anyone can say "God", and stay general enough that most relate to that term, not everyone will proclaim Jesus. the cross is ugly. sin is disgusting. weak faith is even more so repulsive. death isn't part of the intended plan. repentance is hard. atonement is bloody. betrayal is devastating. grace is unmerited. faith is hard. trusting is difficult. forsaking pleasures of the flesh is unnatural. choosing God is impossible.

the Gospel is hard to believe, and many wont.

for myself, these things are true. i know they are for you too.
those questions at the beginning, they are hard nosed questions that should either convict you, or encourage you for how hard you're trucking with the Lord. and if you're not convicted, consider your faith and its genuineness. being raised in a "christian" home doesn't mean anything, which i can attest to. it's hard being a second generation christian...because my parent's faith seemed to have coat tails, except that this world quickly consumed me because i wasn't living in Christ. that was years ago. i have only come to this point in my life with faith and pursuing God, because God pursued me first. and with much difficulty, struggle, pain, tears, anger, frustration, confusion, illumination, joy, peace and way of the Holy Spirit, i've genuinely come to this place of seeing solidified areas of my life. even after much prayer and deliberation, studying the scriptures, fellowshiping with the saints, defending my faith and seeing huge changes in my life, i can only point it all to submitting my life to the Lord.

what matters to you? i know what matters to me.
i don't want to fulfill my heart's desires, i want God to.

if your faith is weak, grow up.
if you don't care, you're pathetic.
if you don't have faith, ask God to reveal himself.
if you have strong faith, keep pressing - you encourage me and bless our Lord.
if your life is hung up around idols and self preservation, quit them and stop sinning.

I read this verse and was completely convicted:
Deuteronomy 4:23 Take care, lest you forget the covenant of the LORD your God, which he made with you, and make a carved image, the form of anything that the LORD your God has forbidden you. 24 For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.


you wouldn't even know it, but i love you too much to let you go on without thinking about these things. i really do love you.

encouraged/discouraged

what a paradox of emotion I'm feeling right now...i don't feel like using proper capitalization either.

tonight was a great season of prayer. a bunch of us musicians met at steele's house and we all prayed for the better part of 2 hours. it was super encouraging.

then i get home and i hear my brother arguing with my parents about going to a rave. i was totally shocked at how heated he was getting, as if it were the most important thing in the world to him. then my sister ran in the room and had to pipe in and argue on his behalf. i just sat there in shock at all these horrible things he was saying, and i waited for a moment, then interjected, "are you even really saved?" my heart is severely grieved at hearing my brother protest his right to do what he wants, out of arrogant entitlement. and even more so to hear my sister boast in her sin, at how much fun it is to smoke weed and have sex. i seriously just sat there completely mortified. i'm even weaping as i write this because i never though "family" would be this way. even though my parents objected all of this, they seemed to just fall by the wayside because they know that my brother will do it anyway.

i hear my brother say how he doesn't care what God thinks right now, because he wants to experience his own life and do what he wants now. that freaks me out. he said he doesn't care about reading his bible that i bought him either. i think back to that night where i spent several hours going through the gospel with him, and how he cried and said it made sense...but looking in on things now, it seems like nothing for him has changed. I am reminded of the parable of the soils in Mark 4, and I'm immensely burdened for my brother and sister...

i'm terribly upset right now. i want to run away. i want to hit the reset button and be a better brother. i know God is sovereign, but i am so regretful right now of all the shit i did wrong. i want to forget my life and disconnect, because this is so hard. but i know i will suffer through this. i forgot what a broken heart feels like...and i pray this doesn't become a familiar feeling for me.

God please please do something.

Johnny Walker, Black, on the rocks

Tonight I tried a new place that I've never been to before. Dan was kind enough to invite me, in light of Ashleigh's celebratory birthday weekend. I had a bison burger with bleu cheese, bbq sauce, onion straws, spinach, like ten potatoes cut into fries, a martini and scotch. Then there was a super delicious pumpkin something or other dish, and Dan got a butternut squash soup which tasted really great. I felt like it was a long overdue, well deserved schmorgesborg of gourmet delights after many months of hard work, paying off debt, and a encouraging/stressful week.

Sunday: wrote 3 new songs with Dan, Paul's birthday party, accountability group

Monday: met with a brother, work, hip hop practice

Tuesday: work, post-work learning course, met with a brother, went to Ikea for some more shelves

Wednesday: work, post-work learning course, small group, met with a brother after

Thursday: work, helped a sister load up and move, talked with a brother for a while

Friday: work, hung with Josh/went to Provo, went downtown with Zach, Megan, their Parents and Scrib.

Saturday (today): helped a brother load up and move, met up with Michael to buy a new keyboard for the church.

such a great life I have. I feel like I'm burning on all cylinders going 100MPH, but it's so satisfying. And I listened to the National on the way to church tonight, which is perfect for a drive in the rain, and that was a wonderful moment..."cover me in rag and bone, sympathy..." or "didn't wanna be your ghost, didn't wanna be anyone's ghost..."

I also talked with Caleb and Kels for a bit, which is always great! I told them I want to cover Alive my Soul and Acts 29, so that should be a fascinating venture, but music is losing it's dormancy in my heart and things are blooming symphony of blood and headphones. it's only natural.

last night was great.

Josh asked me if I wanted to hang out and drive with him to Provo. He was giving his talk from the Proverbs series down there, and since it was a long drive, he wanted to catch up and talk about everything. I gotta tell ya, it's really great spending a Friday night with my pastor. It was a legit hangout, with lots of wisdom shooting into my head. We got back to SLC around 10, and I left his house to go meet up with Zach, Megan and crew.

They were all downtown at a bar, hanging out and having some drinks. Megan's parents were in town, Zach's parents were there and I didn't realize it was one of those "in-law's meet and hang out with each other" nights. But it went along famously...because it seemed to me when I got there, they had already been having a good time...and I didn't feel like catching up. So I only had two beers. Then afterwards, Scrib and I walked around downtown to find another bar. He wanted to meet up with a friend, but she didn't have her phone on her so he guessed which one she'd be at.

I didn't feel like bar-hopping, nor drinking, nor meeting people, but I did want to walk around in the cold city air. We ended up going into this one place, because I had to pee...and when it's cold out and you have to pee, it gets worse. So we left and I started to walk back to my car, and Scrib wanted to go on to find his friend. And there I was, alone walking around downtown, and it was pretty wonderful.

Looking around at hotels and penthouses, businesses and fancy lofts, banks and restaurants, I got this weird feeling I have a hard time explaining. It was so foreign to me. As if the city had a huge emptiness. But it also stirred up some emotional inspiration. In this midst of the deadness of downtown "life", nothing seemed out of reach. Then I forgot where I parked, so there was that....but I made it home eventually.

I think sometimes it takes a forceful, difficult act to take the color off the lenses and see things for what or who they really are. But I have found it to be promising.

feelin' good

So I'm pretty stoked today. I paid off one of my credit cards, and my budget is starting to take form. Quite a bit put in savings, and I'm learning new avenues of stewardship. I'm learning more to serve God with my money too. Here's the joy I experienced this morning:

Thank you God for providing!

יהוה

how does one utter
speak with defiled lips
the immeasurable name
above all names


how does a mind possess
thinking of where to start
or how
for no limit lay before, nor after
destroying the idea of start and end


bent time, tongues of fire
writing on the wall
and kings fell to beasts
to soar the depths
to climb the heights
to scale the breadth
to see the terror
and feel the love
of this opulent name


picking up the pieces
picking up the broken
taking on the fire
taking on the blood
speaking out against death
speaking out to life


and to think my mind was being far too illusive about this name.
YWHW
tetragrammaton
Jehovah
clear water, fresh air saved until that last day of the first time seeing you.
scores of choirs of angels rejoice
the saints fall in awe and wonder
oh Lord, how I beg thee for that day.
come back soon, but give me love to sustain me. amen.

culinary, order and encouragementality

I can't frost a cake until the batter is baked. Premature action could result in a big mess, so I've waited all this time to preheat the oven. It might seem like an avoidance maneuver, but I can assure you that it's strictly precautionary and the voice of wisdom to keep a bold face.

This week has also been odd, as far as being encouraged by others, too. That is to say, there is a certain degree of normalcy associated with working and living amongst other believers and sharing that encouragement. However, there's been quite a jump for me this week. I spoke with a dear brother on Monday, and he was very encouraging to me and responded to me with some choice, high praise - which is always due to God and his Glory - but it meant a lot, considering I know he isn't one to speak those things often, nor lightly. He said I was doing everything right, essentially. Other brothers throughout the week have said some pretty uplifting things to me, which took me by surprise, as I wonder if God is giving a "pick-me-up" to my heart to steer me into his will even more. Then my boss had some really encouraging things to say to Mike and I this morning, which was great to hear. It's not often you hear, "You're doing great..." or "I'm super proud of what you're doing...", but I'm really glad to know that things are turning up in ways I never expected.

My mind has been lingering on this idea of being more outwardly encouraging. I typically believe the best about everyone, until given a reason not to, which results in me forgiving them...and I'm sure that works the other way around too, but I wanted to see what outward affection I can start showing to others. Sort of taking on that "pay it forward" mentality. I do want to continually be refined, reformed and sanctified, and I equally want to see that for others; since I'm to "love my neighbor as myself". I feel like that really honors the Lord.

All of these other things are going on in this kitchen, while I'm still waiting for that cake to bake. But I've really taken this encouragement with a perceptive consideration, and I'm going to make it a mentality to carry on and outward.

I really love this verse too, and often it loses its potency because of the frequency of its use, but it's:
John 13:34 Jesus said, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

"Teach me love, love, love, love, love...." - Steele's newest song.

"I'm having dreams about you. I wanna scream about you...you were the girl who seemed to own the world, and everything was about you." -Death Cab for Cutie, a B-Side from their new record Codes & Keys.

I think it's going to take some time for this record to grow on me, and I want to go back in time to live in the world that came from "What Sarah Said"...

I've gotta grow up, again.

Too long I've craved the Northwest Pacific coast. And just to clarify in case Tadd reads this, no, I am not talking about Alaska. More like Seattle, or Portland. But anyway, I'm going to try and save $7,000 by the end of the year. I realize that's a lot, but I'm shooting high. I tend to shoot high on most things. But I want to lose 20lbs by summer as well; so no more soda pop, and I'm going on more prayer walks. It's been 21 days without soda, and I need to pray much more than I already do. Plus more working out needs to be routed in.

When I was reading through my bible and commentaries today, I thought about being a pastor and how difficult it must be. I get caught up in this in between world of knowing where my life sits now, and where it would need to be if God makes me a pastor, but also what I need to do if another avenue of career opens up, and dealing with sin, and growing in the word.

I'm also learning discretion in not immediately falling in love with something. I can get ahead of myself and want to run down 17 different roads at the same time, and I think I can do it.

I need to get out for a while, and just leave something behind.

codex


beyond impulse, and pre-concieved phantom seers. no one will be harmed...

we aren't out of the woods yet, but I can feel the rush from the clearing. the scent of snapdragons and binary. war meant nothing to conquerors, because they got to the top and killed themselves. battles are won and lost, but glass boxes never were broken from the inside.


freeze frame: 3 seconds.

.
..
...
....
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......utopia, but you can't build a bird house on reverb.

all i am saying, is after you pull off the table cloth, listen to the voice of God WHISPERING to your heart. then none of us can go wrong. there are too many doors, and the adjustment bureau can't do anything about it. it's more complicated than using the dewy decimal system for thoughts.

don't be on food stamps if you make money, or you're pathetic. give my best to prudence, thanks.

pseudo-pstudent

So, there's a lot going on. God is making my life regimented and that is precisely what I prayed for. However, I feel like the last few weeks I've been making excuses in my mind to "not be so regimented". Today, though, I realized the various weights of commitments that lay before me.

Even though I'm not enrolled this semester, I'm learning something like 40 credit hours.
Here's what I mean:

Bible study has taken on some new weight, in light of this last weekend. I'm going through an expositional study of Romans, still, which includes commentaries by James Montgomery Boice, F.F. Bruce, Matthew Henry, John MacArthur, J. Vernon McGee, R.C. Sproul, as well as a word study and sermon series from MacArthur, and revisiting the Romans series that the Rock did a few years back. This is an intense study...which I undertook last May along with Tadd.

Also, I'm doing an exegetical theology run down. This is everything from reading what the Bible has to say, to reading books and expositions, from going over everything from the basics of Christian faith as spelled out in scripture, to the seasoned creeds and confessions of Biblical Theology. It's quite a climb, but rich in its reward to know God more.

I'm learning so much at work, and they're starting to implement instructional courses towards the end of the day on various topics, like tools and what their purposes are, milling, machining, basics of mechanics, engineering, wood working, assembly, production, and I can't be more excited about it. I'm so stoked to learn all this stuff, and that I have the best job in the world right now.

Then I'm learning how to engineer different sounds and sequences through Reason. Learning recording styles, tactics, mixing, mastering, all to try and sound really good live. I'm going to be buying some microphones and a new keyboard this month, so that should help a lot too.

Whenever I have a free moment too, I try and hop on the design band wagon and brush up on some graphics, or build my website, or make my clothing line, or create logos, but I really have to be in the mood to do it, or else I just doodle. It's hard to switch tracks with so much going on, but I love to work through hard things I guess.

Then there's the daily life lessons, following Christ, learning from mistakes, learning to remain patient after such a long time, remaining faithful, watching my speech, listening to instruction, paying off credit cards...and it looks like and feels like so much, but God has managed to keep me regimented. And I see the need to remain that way. And I thought about it tonight, after leaving the concert: "A year ago I would have given it all up to go on tour and play music for my lifestyle as a career, but I'm still here and my heart has grown. People leave, people show up, people fade in and out, but I'm here, because I know I've resolved for God, and he has some pretty beautiful things just from sticking around all this time." And I believe it. The concert was wonderful, too. So yes, I'm learning, and I want to be teachable.

warm warm love

The axiom of Christendom is found in Romans, chapter 3, in these verses:

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.

Paul clearly spells out, in the simplest of consecutive terms. The letter to the Church in Rome is probably the clearest, most distinctive exposition of the Gospel. It is Paul's Magnum Opus, if you will. Verse 23 speaks of man's radical depravity and the totality of God's holiness and rightness to judge mankind's sin. I find it interesting, by the way, that the volition, or free will of man, naturally goes against God. You see Adam and Eve choose to disobey God. They chose to question God and follow creation, instead of creator.  It is only by the working and regeneration of the Holy Spirit that we are justified by his grace, as spelled out in verse 24. It is a gift of redemption, and to think of it in those terms is to rightly view salvation. God's justice and fairness doesn't require him to intervene and save anyone. But he does. God put forward a propitiation, atonement, satisfaction, substitute, in the bloody sacrifice of Christ's endurance of the cross, His death, and his conquering of death in His resurrection.

The end of it says "to be received by faith." Consequently, later on in Romans 10, Paul says "faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." And God speaks to his people, through his word. God's truth perseveres throughout time. God's truth is unwavering and decided. Not all will understand truth. Not all will be saved. But God will save those whom he will save. (See Psalm 47:4 John 6, Matthew 11, Romans 9)

I was really convicted tonight by Mark Darling's sermon. The idea that people freak out and obsess over Lady Gaga more than I get eager to read scripture. The idea that Christ isn't always the boss of my life, or my decisions. The statistic that 4 out of 5 males leave the faith at the age of 23 and never come back. I wept tonight, because the reality of these things hit me like a ton of bricks. Habits I create now will impact ten fold in 5 years when I'm married. Even more than studying scripture, I need to reflect on how to let it impact and change my life. How will I let God change me. I want to be a pastor one day. I want to plant a church. I want to marry a godly, beautiful, intelligent woman. I want to have a nice home to invite people over and love on the Church. What will I do tomorrow to thread my life into the will of God? What disciplines will I subscribe to that will refine me even more? These are things to pray about, seek God on, be accountable to, and see what the Bible has to say regarding who I am and should be in Christ.

And at the very same time, understanding this truth is like waking up after a long car ride, with the sun shining in on my neck. And that warm warm refreshing feeling, and knowing that God gives me that. That his love is better than life. His warm warm love.

justice tarries through happiness
i hate that when i drive home, worn out, i always think of the most brilliant things to say, or blog about, and how to cleverly turn a phrase, but i get home, forget, and don't even bother to capitalize my i's.

#TheKingofLimbs is brilliant. Radiohead are really outdoing themselves..makes me want to write so much, always.

the good news, is that the Good News is changing people. Christ is building his kingdom. people are getting saved. people are changing/for the better.

then i spot parliament, and pick them up to smoke em out. and three words could last a lifetime.
a spot of shimmer, unleashing like a dalmatian spotting the mail man. no more law.less.ness.
clear water, and wilderness.

i find it odd that people find solace in confiding in me. not an "uncomfortable" odd, more like a perplexing mystery. after all, i never went asking for it, nor posting signs directing them to unload their semi-trucks at my dock. at the very same time i find it humbling and quite an honor that for whatever reason, God directed many of them to talk to me. most the time i just listen and then quote a verse after 35 minutes. what's most amazing to me, is God puts the right things to say on my heart. none of it's me, that's all i know.

Zach and Megan really encouraged me a few weeks ago by saying nice things to me. it isn't often that close friends just outright say particularly nice things to one another; it's mostly implied by that "you get me, and i get you" look/atmosphere. i'm so happy they're getting married. i love them.

i still really love my job, even though i'm feeling overwhelmed most the time. i'm really starting to understand my bosses more, and how to communicate clearer, and that i need to instantly own up to my mistakes and fix the consequences. i'm blessed to have gracious, generous bosses.

most of this is tabloid, of my own life. i hope to collect my thoughts soon and write something...let's say, substantial. i love the smell of fresh sawdust, and i love beer. i love Jesus. i hate the price of oil. i want summer.

Reformation

It's a constant process. One that will never be fully completed until the day of Glorification before my Maker. Thoughts that purge through all sorts of uncertainty, or doubt, really snap my eyes back to the road - or the tasks at hand. I really have this insatiable taste to preach the word, and that's kinda what I talked to Bill about tonight. We had a brief conversation, and he asked how things were. I told him that I feel as though I'm reaching the summit in some respects. I told him I want to be a Pastor some day, in whichever discipline God leads to facilitate, if he does at all. I told him I'm writing a lot of songs with heavy truths as lyrical content. I try to push his buttons as much as I can, whenever I talk to him, but he always seems to get me talking...I would like to just listen to what he has to say about a lot of things.

I want to find a good auto-bio on some renowned Pastor or Theologian, and learn about his in-between stage of life of what it was like in the times before they were raised up to the position of Authoritative Preaching. I would like to understand their thoughts, how they felt, the battles and trials they struggled through, what they studied, how much weight they gained, how much coffee or whisky they had, how much they wrote, how little they slept, how anti or proactively social they were, where God had brought them from, where God was leading them...I suppose this list of questions could go on for a while, but I want very much to glean into someone's life, for sake of finding a soul of whom I can learn from.
Or just to be a fly on the wall of Bill's office, or Josh's, or Steele's, or MacArthur's, or Sproul.
Maybe I'll read into Spurgeon? Maybe Edwards? Maybe Calvin? Maybe Paul? Maybe St. Tomas Aquinas? Maybe Augustine? For sure study again into Christ's own ministry.

I'm no Clark Kent, but I sure do want to be ready for battle with a full arsenal at the next available phone booth.

And I....needtobreathe

I bought their [Needtobreathe's] new record from Lifeway on Saturday, since it was only $5. Rad. It was a wonderful small investment - since I now really love this band.
Listening to this persistently, I feel like they are this band that would be the folky version of Kings of Leon, some Goo Goo Dolls, and Mumford & Sons-ish music, but all wrapped into being Christian.

This song, below, in particular is growing on me. Enjoy.