How do you barter with a God who has no needs?

Consider the richest man in the world. Every luxury, every accommodation with no rules, laws and every power at his disposal. You think of high rises, intense business meetings, expensive suits, nice cars, helicopters, private jets, personal islands, mistresses, exquisite cuisine, perfect physique and otherworldly skin complexion.

Consider the deadest man in the world. He is unable, unwilling and unquestionably without a chance or opportunity to change his situation; that is, death.

If there were a way for him to do so, there is nothing the dead man can offer the rich man to even begin to compensate for earning an ounce of his time. But clearly, he's dead, so he can't.


What I've failed to do here is give any sort of justice to explaining the rich man's wealth and circumstance and even how that pales in comparison to how much God actually doesn't need us. (Or lacked complete explanation that I can't really personify God or give him a parallel, because there is none). It's not like God, who always was, just got bored in His said existence and decided "well it might be nice to make some image bearers who can worship me." He didn't need to, He didn't have to. Yet, clearly, He did. He desired to. That's beyond me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to respond and understand and devote my life to God and still not get why He did so. That helps me when I'm so muddled up in everything else.

I pray. And I'm not where I want to be, but I'm certainly not where I used to be. And that's clearly, solely God's providence. And I can't barter, but He has made it so I can pray and make my heart open to Him. That's wonderful. Soli Deo Gloria.

Psalm 139

This post is just the entire chapter. It's so wonderful, and deep, and powerful. Soli Deo Gloria.


Psalm 139
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. 

1 O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
 If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

a digital age
we wont ever be the same
disguises and profiles
140 Characters to speak
We always dreamed of living in other worlds, we just never thought it would be made up of codes and colors. At our fingertips...

Passwords protect, but words break hearts...or distances.
This thing called the world wide web still very much leaves me isolated.
For as many ways you can connect, you can't engage.
And no matter how hard we try, we will always be drawn to look at screens!
Where have we gone?

But I saw this picture, and it was endearing in a techie sorta way...

>
>
???
I guess it's a personal decision to click it or not*

Your mercy found me...

Romans 9:15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." 16 So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.

How is it that I am to respond to God's mercy? So often we hear and read about what scripture says;  the natures and characteristics of God, His provision to his chosen, etc...but often, and unintentionally does the notion of 'why we believe it' get lost in the mix. What is God's mercy in my life? Why should I understand God's mercy in my life?

Not only do we take the implication and application of scripture to our lives, but the integrity of Scripture as Divinely inspired. In principle, that we love the things of God because of who He is first, and second, because of our condition and need for Him. Understanding that basic concept will change everything about why we believe the things we do, not just mercy.

Some things we are to just accept and come to terms with. And yet other things still can be seen in a tangible way. In a way often titled under the blanket explanation of "blessings".

Briefly, the mercy of God is this: unparalleled, persistent, unmerited favor cast in the backdrop of moral decay, radical depravity and spiritual decline. All people experience, to a degree, the mercy of God. The fact that I wasn't wiped off the planet because of my sins from an hour ago is a divine miracle. By the fact that I get to experience the wonderful present and long term affects in my soul from His salvation is itself God's mercy. The fact that people who will never be saved get to continue living and breathing experience God's general grace, which is God being merciful to them.

But mercy is not only God's long-suffering kindness. There is so much more to it that I can't even do justice to explain. For one, it is a provision to the Christian, to me, as a way of becoming a holy (set apart) people. What do I mean by this? Simply, that God doesn't allow me to continue living and expect me to figure it out without Him. That because of Him, I have direction and I'm not stuck up creek without a paddle.

Tangibly: My Lord pursuing me to be so intentional and personal in ways so inexplicable that it would take up 30,000 blog posts just to scratch the surface. God's mercy. God's word preserved throughout centuries and in my hands today, to learn, know, cherish and grow in what God says about himself, redemption and who I'm to be. God's mercy. That I have men like Bryan, Dan, Billy, Paul Stoddard, Josh Whitney and Steele in my life as godly leaders to shepherd me, teach me, guide me, correct me, bless me. God's mercy. That I have accountability with Tadd, Andrew, Rhett and David - noted that all of us are in different stages of our walk with the Lord, yet all in the same communion as a brotherhood with our Lord. God's mercy. That God gave me music as a way to get my heart outside; to unashamedly and limitlessly dance before my King and sing a new song. God's mercy, all of it, in a living, vibrant way.

How otherwise would I carry on? I wouldn't. As an example, apart from God's mercy, I would not know Bryan. God took the coolest kid in Salt Lake away from his fame, pride, girl, band, crew, pagan life, saved him, transformed him and set him apart to be one of my best friends and spiritual leaders. God in his mercy gave Bryan back his girl, a heavy band that still comes down hard, and a crew that studies the bible instead of getting drunk and smoking pot. God took a wallflower homeschool kid like me, who grew up wanting validation from everyone else and not pursuing Christ like I should have done. I was living a pagan lifestyle as well. God's mercy brought me through trials of depression, sexual pursuits with girls, and a severe identity crisis. God's mercy gave me hope. God's mercy validated me. God's mercy gave me identity. God brought two completely different dudes together for His divine purpose, and gave us totally new lives. God's mercy is seen when Slayer (Bry) and Coldplay (Me) get to play together in a folk/country/rock band to lift praises to our King and lead the saints in worship. That is incredible. You just can't write something like that...not to mention all the other weird combos God puts together through the wonderful, beautiful entanglement that is our Rock Church body of Christ. God's mercy.

So I am to respond to God's mercy with gratitude, faithfulness, good stewardship and reiteration; being merciful to others. And like the song goes, "I'll throw my life upon all that You are, because I know you gave it all for me..." Throw my life...wow. What a response that would be. What a marvelous goal to shoot for every single day. A whole new light of taking up my cross...

Soli Deo Gloria

-Hayden

The joys of life:

Celebrating my dad's birthday today.

Working in the backyard with my dad, throwing back some Fat Tire while doing yard work as the thunder clouds rolled in.

Spending a day with my family as a whole. That never happens.

The intensity of the pouring rain, and how refreshing the air felt against my face.

My dog Teddy, curling up in a ball at my feet.

Jazz music. Sweet, soft and sexy.

It's all very much an incredible thing to have and enjoy these provisions from God. I don't know what I would do otherwise. Yet, I also find that I long to just be with my Lord. For it would be far better than anything I could have. And the things I could have would be amazing; just not better.

I could move out right now, but saving and paying off the rest of my small debt would be better.
I could buy a new car, but it wouldn't be the best decision.
I could have a girlfriend, because there are 6 who would, but none of them are right for me.
I could give up music and pursue other things, but I would be disobeying the Lord.
I could throw it all away and leave and do something else, but that's entirely too selfish. (Besides, who wants to become a lonely octogenarian that owns a bookstore with the pretense of a faux life?)
I could do many other things, but I'm learning stewardship and waiting on the Lord.

I don't do things, because the time isn't right. I do things because it is orchestrated that way. God is good, and hard things make for better days.

a moment

i like making atmospheres, i decided.

not to be a sponge and soak in everything else, but to omit or allow a certain mood to air.
and in music too. soundscapes and dissonance, a sonic awe to be wrapped in.
to be able to do my small part in the worship night with audible liquid was a great honor and humble privilege to undertake. not being the front man, the voice, the worship leader to step back and lift everyone else up was something i cherish and look forward to do more of.

i like laughing, and i forgot what a deep, hard laugh was like. getting to eat pizza with Philip, Joseph, Steven, Collin, Emma, Izzy, Kaylee and Moriah was great, because i never hang with that crew and we just laaaaaaughed. good/clean/fun. another atmosphere to partake in!

and there was the moment during Steele's last song, where my heart wrenched inside of me at the lyric "I'd be a liar if I didn't say, you wrecked my life and ruined me that day..." that destroyed my soul. my heart and conscience were broken in two. i keep so many walls up, safe guards, vaults and allow my mind to be desensitized by so much garbage so that i can keep from being vulnerable and meek. it's a fine balance between strength/boldness/confidence and humility/meekness/brokenness...and i'm learning slowly.

i ask God to give me strength to carry on, because this is just getting harder.
i hope for more of these times. more of these moments to love God in.

"I'd be a liar if I didn't say, I love your suffering...thank you Jesus"

Oh my goodness...I just freaked out...

What will I do if Bry and Celisse really do go to Noodles and Company??? How will I know it's for reals that time? I must devise a plan....

in my experience...

(Sorry in advance for the long post, you probably have better things to do...haha)

God has truly redeemed me and rescued me to His satisfaction and providential grace.
There's not any explanation before my eyes, in my past or within reason to come to terms with why he is so kind and loving towards me. I still do things that make me question my loyalty to my Savior. God is incredibly merciful and patient with me. THAT is remarkable.

I am wretched and vile, destitute and broken within all sinful wickedness that is me, and humanity.

Apart from Christ, I can do no good thing - as scripture says - and testimony to my life.


With that said:
I have seen evidence time and time again in my life that where God gifts me, prompts me, convicts me and moves me in my heart and through conduits in my day to day, His will permeates through all ambiguity and lack of clarification.

An illustration I like to use is: God's will is a White Line, my will is a Red Line. Often in Christendom and the modern Church, the common thought (and misconception) is that the White Line, God's will, is to be pulled over into one's Red Line. Hence, God's will is in your life. That sort of thinking breaks down to God being the mortar between the bricks that make up life. This gives God the treatment of secondary importance, possessing no Lordship, and at best, de-godding God. The way it ought to be viewed, practiced and lived out is this: my Red Line is worthless, and it ought to be wrapped up in unison with the White Line so that there is total surrender, complete reliance and utter dependency upon the grace, providence and mercy that God does give. That my life and will is so wrapped up in God's own will that I have no choice but to follow Him. Essentially getting dirty and taking the position of the mortar between the building blocks that God places in one's life. We call that mortar stewardship.

Before even making analogous the imagery in my life, those things were slowly, increasingly true for the better part of three years. Obviously* shown in different respects and outlets of my personality, internally and externally.

So where am I going with this? Oh yes...
Submission to God in whatever context, is always a task, and worth it. Where he prompts my heart, those things usually happen. Not to be viewed as "This thing is on my heart, and it will now happen...", because I'm not a neo-pantheist, nor am I practicing "The Secret" by declaring my heart's desire to the universe! HA! What I am saying is that God guides me to places unknown, and those things dwell deeply in my heart for long periods of time, and 99% of the time, I have no clue what to do, until given an external prompting. (Whether that's council, the Word, social cues...) And things that are my flesh, or desire, or other people's desire for my life, quickly fade and mean nothing.

I dont even know if any of that makes sense, but I do know I desire to grow so close to my Lord that I can hear His continuous, marvelous calling on my life. That is also quite the task in and of itself.


PS- It's interesting thinking about the Doctrine of Election with regards to being called. God's calling doesn't stop at salvation, as it is a continuous guidance and communication from Him throughout the life of a Christian. Called to salvation, called into full-time ministry (which every Christian is to some degree), called to Preach the Word [to all nations], called to Sanctification, and eventually called home. That's pretty epic to me. I've been dwelling on that a lot lately. Anyway...that's it for now.

Soli Deo Gloria.

*I am nowhere near perfect and I screw up quite a bit, but I can see how God works and refines and corrects.

ocean

I had a thought today that really hit me: "The Christian shouldn't concern themselves with finding their place in the world. Find your identity in Christ, then He leads you through."

Makes for some heavy consideration the next little bit...anyway.

There's something desperately majestic, terrifying and powerful about seeing the sea. I think most of it is knowing how small it is compared to God. But it's so big, and lonely, and full of mystery.

I was happy to have visited it again. I would like to come back again, sooner, but I can also get Fat Tire in other states too... :-)

Maybe Seattle for the fall time, depending on how life unfolds over the next few months. This makes me appreciate the good things God has blessed me with. I'm happy right now.

This is me on the Santa Monica pier...it was chilly.

onedaymorelike4days

What a wild ride it's been so far.

We left my house at ten in the evening last night, and drove through the desert that is Utah and Arizona, and Nevada. Then we stopped in Vegas for a spell to kill some time, because we didn't get to check in until 2 PM PDT. I can't even begin to tell you how radically, impressively, disappointingly the architecture, programming, depravity and culture of Vegas was, especially considering I'd not had adequate sleep in the car ride the hours prior.

We walked around for a while, gambled a bit, went to McD's for breakfast and hit the road to plunder back into wilderness. For some reason, the heat and lack of sleep really knocked me out. I remember waking up in strides for various stops, or jarring bumps in the road, but nothing to fix my eyes on other than that. I have been drinking a lot of water too.

We finally arrived to L.A. and checked into our room, to the satisfaction of decompressing from being crammed into a Ford Focus for the good part of 12 hours. Then the rest of the day, which I'll go into later, we chilled out: Chipotle, Nap, watched reruns of Scrubs and South Park.

Now, I'm really tired and I need to go read my bible. It feels like this time has been much longer than just leaving my house last night. That is God giving me grace I think. Time away, to clear my head, to let down and be a dude with some brothers.

Everything means something, and I rest in the hope that only is found in Christ.
And on a closing note, of deep value to me, and so much deep truth that lay within, is a picture of Jesus and a servanthood model by his decree:
John 13:18 I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, 'He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.' 19 I am telling you this now, before it takes place, that when it does take place you may believe that I am he. 20 Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever receives the one I send receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me."

You know, to be fair, I've mostly had fragmented thoughts the past few hours...and they have become quite estranged.


"Together we will end the future."-Caption


I have thought: gleaning from another's life has some correlating, didactic application into what scripture says about human condition. Pre and post salvation - and how we are to model our lives to Honor God, be Christ-like and renew our minds by the word, I can see and give living proofs of what the Bible says.

And no matter how many bombs we make or censor, nothing is going to end it before Jesus wants it to.

Smoke all the cigarettes, burn up the fuel, over-populize and consume because right now, this is hell, for me. I can't wait to know what perfect love feels like, or at all.

jumblewire

Time, where have you gone? Pray tell. I've no words for the reflection I see every morning. Correlating that voice to a life, my voice, my life.

Ribbon, tied up in bows, as it were a remedial fixation for my circumstances. Too many motors working in different ways, and it cant simply hold together and function like this. Fabric being ripped to shreds in the pummeling of gears, heat, oil and ferociousness. Let's rethink this, kid.

Saphire and crimson push through utter blackness and gives me some indication that more than nothing is going on below. Quiet, secret, sneaky. I know there's a plot and assassins, but it's far too mirky still. The tide has swept in and stayed faithful. I've lost all timber and wire to wrap into a shed, for fear of not having covering when this storm hits.

Go. Stop. It's circles for me, circles is all. One day, yes, emphatically. The next, a hard discouragement, a no, simply ignored. Footprints in the sand, then gone. I think I've gone somewhere, but I look back and I have no memory of this place; yet tiny pebbles remain in between my toes. So there is that, I have come quite a way, but to where, uncertain. All the lighthouses look the same. I want to be ready, no matter which storm or calm hits me. And I seem to have less and less to offer by means of attraction, as time robs me of my youth. Cursed you, steadfast clock. Tick away, pick away my bones.

"You're the voice that is swallowing my soul, soul, soul, soul, soul, soul, soul, soul...."

duuude

super bummed...just cracked my tooth tonight, and it hurts SO bad.
the worst part is, i'm scheduled to play in provo tomorrow for their all-worship morning service...

it's shooting pain into my head...ugh
i don't even know how it cracked either, which is equally as frustrating.
this week just keeps getting worse, and despite my pain, i need to pray a whole lot.

k, enough venting, i'm out.

warm night

First time in a long time I drove home with my window down.
It felt good to have some liberty, in a worshipful kind of way.

I thanked God for loving me, despite my stupid heart.
The fact that he shows mercy to me is an incredibly personal revelation of his electing grace.
And having High Violet playing the whole way home was pure.

Now that I'm home, with a glass of beer and my bible open, I'm finishing a song. This one is different, as different of an approach one songwriter could possibly have. I feel my soul leaking into it's cadence. I feel expressively my heart dancing unto God, in a tantric coo. A jig that has never been so, in my case.

As the evening cools, the joy set before me of His salvation keeps me safe.
I even jack-knife my thoughts and he corrects me with such careful, specific grace.
Glory be to God, my King and Sovereign Creator. Amen, I'm so blessed.

i'm not the pilot

i don't even know how to land...

it's by God's providential grace that i've not wrecked this life already...
and there are many ellipses in my life

i'm glad i don't know everything

Brief Break

I've taken to pour over writings from H.P. Lovecraft. I really like his style and his methodology is somewhat before his time. It makes me want to write more stories, or at least be more creative.

And with art in general, I want to focus some time away from being studious and let my mind drift over to being fluid. Design/music/drawing/writing. My fear is that I've grown cold - and whatever I come up with would be esoteric.

I desire vibrancy, captivation, pure love.
Splashed on a pallet, a canvas, ink and parchment.

And going to California in a few weeks will be great. Time away will be refreshing. Seeing the sun set over the Pacific always melts my soul.

-Particularly there's a song in my heart that I have to get right. This one means a whole lot.

And then there's this:
☑ 5 Year Plan
☑ Savings/Budget/Plan for buying a house

☐ Have some fun for a bit.

God knows!