a moment

i like making atmospheres, i decided.

not to be a sponge and soak in everything else, but to omit or allow a certain mood to air.
and in music too. soundscapes and dissonance, a sonic awe to be wrapped in.
to be able to do my small part in the worship night with audible liquid was a great honor and humble privilege to undertake. not being the front man, the voice, the worship leader to step back and lift everyone else up was something i cherish and look forward to do more of.

i like laughing, and i forgot what a deep, hard laugh was like. getting to eat pizza with Philip, Joseph, Steven, Collin, Emma, Izzy, Kaylee and Moriah was great, because i never hang with that crew and we just laaaaaaughed. good/clean/fun. another atmosphere to partake in!

and there was the moment during Steele's last song, where my heart wrenched inside of me at the lyric "I'd be a liar if I didn't say, you wrecked my life and ruined me that day..." that destroyed my soul. my heart and conscience were broken in two. i keep so many walls up, safe guards, vaults and allow my mind to be desensitized by so much garbage so that i can keep from being vulnerable and meek. it's a fine balance between strength/boldness/confidence and humility/meekness/brokenness...and i'm learning slowly.

i ask God to give me strength to carry on, because this is just getting harder.
i hope for more of these times. more of these moments to love God in.

"I'd be a liar if I didn't say, I love your suffering...thank you Jesus"