reflections

It's always quiet this time of night, this time of the year. Everyone are tucked away in their rooms, and I go up to the kitchen to grab more ice for my whisky glass. And this feeling comes over me, that it's going to be ok.

Spending time alone, a lot, and the majority of it is in my room reading, my mind will trail off to think of which way things will go. And sometimes I get worked up over it, and other times I don't have a problem in trusting God's sovereignty.

Now, I would consider myself a seasoned Christian, considering how long I've been pursuing a life unto the Lord (Coram Deo), how long I've been committed to the Rock, and growing up in a Christian household. With that said, it's very easy to look at myself and think I'm above "baby steps", or beyond learning from the essentials of the faith. Taking on weighty subjects under the headings of Reformed theology, orthodoxy/ecclesiastical history from an academic standpoint can seem to leave the basics of the faith in the shadows from all it's grandiose and lofty philosophies that are entangled. Yet, those basics are the very morsels I come back to time and time again for my soul. It is a monumental thing in the Christian life to live theology, and not just know it, and to live it well, unto the Glory of God.

The reason I said that is because I catch myself getting into theological discussions of various natures and disciplines, with various brothers quite often. And when I hear what I'm saying and really think about it, I do proclaim the truth of the Bible, yes. Scripture's authority is supreme regardless of anything. But, often I find that the same truth I so boldly talk about is quite small in my own life.

Knowing God's sovereignty, great.
Living in and trusting in God's sovereignty, amazing.

That dynamic is what will change me, and you, dear reader who is saved.

Last night at accountability group Tadd said something that was epically profound, and it really rung through my heart even until now. I'm paraphrasing here, but essentially He said, "We often think about how Christ would have died for us, out of all the elect, if we were the only ones who had ever sinned. But what we need to look at is that our sin that condemned him, and that we ought to picture ourselves standing before him bloody and beaten acting out our sin right there in front of him."

God's kindness is meant to lead me to repentance. I need to live more theology, rather than fill my head with something I wont use. If it came to that point, the pursuit of knowing God would be in vain and proven useless, for it would be simply meaningless knowledge stuck in the head of a fool.

I'll end with a passage of Scripture that really changed a lot for me lately:

Psalm 119:9-16 (ESV)

How can a young man keep his way pure?
By guarding it according to your word.
With my whole heart I seek you;
let me not wander from your commandments!
I have stored up your word in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.
Blessed are you, O LORD;
teach me your statutes!
With my lips I declare
all the rules of your mouth.
In the way of your testimonies I delight
as much as in all riches.
I will meditate on your precepts
and fix my eyes on your ways.
I will delight in your statutes;
I will not forget your word.


Soli Deo Gloria

upstairs

I now work with Kenny.
We share an office.
My boss bought me an iMac.
I'm going to be the face of the company.
Makes me consider a lot of things.
I'm learning a ton of things I never thought to know about.
guns. business. industry. tooling. design. data systems.

For certain, God has used this job thus far to teach me so much.
It has refined me. I wonder what's next.

I'm still just beginning. Lots to learn, fail at, try again, hope for, succeed in, win with.
This next month will prove to be the biggest one yet. Some light at the end of tunnels is beginning to appear. At which I must also confess, when going so fast for so long, with blinders on, it's hard to gauge the speed and/or arrival times of getting out of tunnels.

I'm not meant to be a locomotive. I am on the right track though.
God.is.unbelieveably.kind.that.it.overwhelms.me.to.the.point.of.tearful.gratitude.

Josh lent me a book to read, "Biblical Eldership".
I'm buying my own copy and workbook to mark up and do the study.
Bryan said it's really good too, from everything he read in it. So I'm eager to dig in - which is why this post is ending so I can scour a few chapters before bed.

Soli Deo Gloria

something I've held on to

Psalm 37
1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
2 For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.


3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.


5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.


7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

That is overwhelmingly encouraging, instructive and promising. God gives clear dictation to those whom he loves.

First stanza I draw out that I should not worry because of injustice, or what feels like wrongs done against me. Problems fade with time, in properly trusting the Lord. Not to say I neglect them, or sweep them under the rug, but that in diligent prayer and reading the Word God fights for me and as Christ as my High Priest interceding for me, there is nothing that can conquer me. (See John 17:9) It also leads the inclination that, yes, evil will be done against me - so I am not to be surprised or taken off guard when it does happen.

Second stanza, and I will be brief, I am greatly amazed at the firmness of the command to "Trust in the Lord" non-conditional. It is an infinitive verb to trust. Consistently, continually having a faith that grows. Then that is followed with "do good". So as I am to practice trust, I am to simultaneously do good expressively. That ties right into verse 4, which is self explanatory, yet profound in the depth and richness of that statement.

It's almost as if verses 3-6 are saying the same thing in different terms. A, B, metering couplet so to speak. And verse 7 is this grand kicker. Be still before Yahweh. And wait with patience for Him. Oh my goodness, to pray and meditate over these verses. So much is in there. So much meaning to my life.

All that considering the meeting I had with Josh Whitney this morning. We spoke for an hour, and he gave me wisdom, council and advise on many good things. We spoke mainly of ministry/future leadership and marriage. Then when I read this later on today, I was immensely struck by what the Holy Spirit was telling me. Things aren't as bad as I let them become in my head. Sometimes I just need to be rattled a bit as reminders to trust God.

post post (after post)

canvas - opulent atmosphere
something wildly heart sinking about white formations of dense water molecules
in a sun set
casting silhouettes on anything in it's path
over the ocean
past the recognition of boarders and culture
language didn't mean anything - it was just God saying "I love you" in an inaudible, magnificent way.

space and time fell out of place and rhythm. music wasn't metered - just an ora.
a hum, a rattle, nothing structured, but entirely symphonic.
like the tuning of angels and what glass hitting light in outer space would sound like.

color was so alive you could taste it, and green was your favorite as I recall.
your blue blue eyes lacked nothing, but gave off luster of God's specificity in your beauty.
and the geography of your skin was of perfect form.


i drew back, to retire to my study. i had to all but consider the many different lives that can come out of this. my words will inevitably move me forward - in the direction i want, or not. but that's what i think. i could just sit here and look at this picture. where words/mean/nothing/but/sound/evoked/emotion

though the dimly lit lights cast many shadows
and the skin hides the thoughts and the heart
there is much to draw concern for

though the loudness of words with holes in them
and lessening of importance for the "why" and not just the "what"
we must turn down the image and purvey the cold hard facts


it's a daunting and eerie feeling to see someone and be able to dissect their brain.
the look of sad eyes, or demeanor, or sway of language and enunciation says more than they think.
body language, hygiene, eye contact - or lack thereof, posture, comfortability...it all makes sense to me.
and i don't always know how to deal with it, because i notice it so much.

things may have gone from bad to worse, or worse to better, but the best is yet to come.
i do largely hold on to the fact that no matter how much i press and try and pray and dream and hope and desire, God has my life. i feel like i say some of the same things over and over, and even in explaining myself that way i repeat myself, but it's so real to me every day. even on the shitty days where i don't want to read my bible, or pray, or love God, or consider the girl, or go to work - i am reminded of God's ever abiding grace that He gives to me.

i have no place as a worship leader apart from what God did and how he's led me. the facts of life are hard to chew on, and break many of my teeth. right now i'm battling against lies, my flesh resisting God's refinement and to keep persistent.

i'm learning to deal with it. i'm getting ready for more.

this isn't happiness

A place where good advice comes few and far between.

Where getting fed isn't the primary places you think it ought to be.

Having someone legitimately know the places you've been,

and where you stand now,

and how awfully difficult it is.

the life I've lived in staring at you through my peripherals

not knowing ever what to really say with meaning

but wanting to say anything to know you

being shot down, completely shattered

it makes it that much more interesting to know

where you stand now,

and how awfully difficult it is.

the funny thing about seasons are that they aren't seasonal.

they last for YEARS sometimes.

while hopes and dreams are all fun and games

until I realized I wrapped them around your dynamite.

getting picked back up - out of love or sympathy to see

where you stand now,

and how awfully wonderful it is.

this is hard, and joyfully something fierce.

paradise

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach so she ran away in her sleep...and dreamed of Paradise."

I felt like some days it was so close. I felt like other days, I was the most reviling thing in her sight.

Storms come and wreck havoc. Makes me throw up white flags and just expect to get shot in the head.
Calms come and bring peace. Makes me more hopeful than any person who ever lived, and nothing could stop me.

and naturally I love this song too.

God only knows when, and who. I'm too old now to get on like this. Something's gotta give.

I had that dream, AGAIN

it's quite amazing how this world has changed in a decade.
two guys with nothing to lose, knocking down skylines, starting wars.
killing families, breaking hearts.
loneliness.

the paralyzing sound of nothingness.

the same thing that happens when a terribly sad thought, or song, or happenstance comes into your head.

it's also shocking to see how much, and how little things have happened in the last few years, too.
my life is something i don't get yet. i try to understand so much, and i'm in front of a lot of people, and forgotten.

i wonder who are my REAL friends.
the list gets terribly slim when i really think about it.
kind of makes me wish i had attended this luncheon instead, and just got it out of the way:

all the world is mad - i say i have no say
thanks for nothing

juxt a position (x=s?)

I'm not allowed to say things, because we're not in a place where hard things are accepted.
I'm not allowed to do things, because it hasn't gone through fake paper work and approval.
I'm not allowed to go places, because it doesn't make sense with other's plans.
I'm not allowed to be me, I guess.

Peter and the Wolf, fighting against the forthcoming brutal winter - something hounding me down, and the cold air crystalizing my lungs. I look forward to smoking a few cigarettes in the cold, crisp air.

For too long I've been told what to do. Suggestions became dictations and I'm not my own person.
God has a purpose for me, and I don't think that's to be a "yes" man. I am to be obedient and submissive, and I fight for that every day, and a fight myself to die and be that man. But not to roll over and not use my brain.

I'm going to be 23, and that's kind of scary. Makes me think of Jimmy Eat World.
Makes me think that 23 seemed impossible to reach when I was 17.
Knowing that I'm going to move out in the next 6 months and start a new chapter is pretty exciting. So much has happened, and so much still will.

I'm going to say more things than before.
I'm going to do more things than before.
I'm going to go more places than before.
I'm going to be me, who I am in Christ, free, slave, and really hit some areas of life hard.

Soli Deo Gloria

Appendix I

My hands are shaky, and I am terrified.
The perfect time to draw back to God.
I have these moments where I beseech my Lord to soften my hard heart.

flip the coin -

I'm terribly happy for the new things.
The possibility of life altering events.
To know that God leads me to battles he fights,
To valleys that he shelters,
To deserts where he quenches thirst,
To love where he shows his faithfulness,
And to certainty that no matter what, I'll be ok.

God is unnecessarily kind to me.
He keeps me when I lose it.
He holds me when I squirm.
He listens when I complain - and I shouldn't be found with any regret.
He corrects me, always.
He is good, for he is worthy, for he is Maker, and I am clay.

It's just one of those daft moments when my heart feels heavier - like a saturated sponge.
Like the first time you hear a sad song, and you play it 24 times before you stop and throw your head in your pillow - kind of like that.

I don't want to be a devotional kind of person. I want to be a devoted person who obeys God.
To be a man, is to always be centered in the heart of God. It's a daily task, and I have more manning up to do than I thought. Pride sucks as it sneaks back in to my heart.

The striking realities of life will take me off course if I lose my resolve.
God must be my all.