Scooby Doo and the Case of the Sniffles

Well jeenkies,

I don't really have much to say about the Scooby Doo part...just a case of the sniffles really.
This blasted cold had come on rather quickly, and hard I might add. It really is bringing me down.

I cannot focus, and my head hurts.
Everything is a bluuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr....

I think it's a combo respiratory infection and head cold. ALTHOUGH, my body aches like after football practice, or staying up way too late and not getting appropriate sleep after a night of listening to David Grey, The Killers and getting milkshakes at a late-nite diner until five o'clock in the morning.

That kind of sore, without the smile and memories.


Anyway, I leave for Austin in two days, and when I get back, I'll be in a meeting about going to Honduras. And I'm finishing up preparations for my first house church talk next week, so that will be cool. It's a busy life, but it's good, and full.


Zoiks, Scoob, I'm getting out of here...

parlor, drawing room, and study

I haven't had a good stiff drink in a while, and I'm fit for one here soon. There are few things I "miss", and mostly just reminisce and want them to happen again more, soon, but anyway, one of said things is enjoying a nice drink with friends in my backyard in the warm evening, and conversing the night away.

Methinks having a small cocktail party should happen soon.

I also recently have acquired enough books to more than double my personal library. I'm, to say the least, ecstatic about it. Odd as it sounds, having a personal study is one reason enough to push me towards finding a house sooner. Now, I'm not going about this unreasonably - I fully trust God has the ideal place for me to reside, in his time, but I'm getting close to start spending my Saturdays and evenings driving around looking at open houses.

I want to have a place for learning, a place to retire for brandy and cigars, and a place to recreate and joust in verbal musings...haha. But seriously, that'd be rad.

It's a most satisfying feeling to know that I have a small fortune worth in books that I didn't even spend up to wholesale value, and that it will prove to be a rich trove of Biblical resources for the years to come. God is gracious and blessed me with this small prize. I'm elated!

And on the note of home ownership, talking with Zach the other night somewhat pricked my thoughts in a good way. In a way I never considered. If I buy a house, and then get married within the next 5 or so years, it may not be the place my then wife would want to be. He merely said that he waited to pick a house until Megan could choose with him. That is also been lumped into my considerations. But I'm looking nonetheless.

I'll keep saving my bankroll, keep tapping my foot to new albums, and work hard at everything God puts before me. Soli Deo Gloria.

I've taken to writing music again. I don't know what to do.
I can't remember how to start over. I don't like that feeling of needing to remember.
It swells up inside and almost reaches my eyes in levels of water and emotion...
                                 

                                                                (which is like listening to Ellie Goulding with the lights dimmed and a glass of wine sitting on the table, and I can't think of anything except for how much I want to finish the glass but I can't because I'm too wrapped up in thinking about it.)

I feel like there's so much unearthed in the past travels through time until now. There's much I haven't done or taken to doing. I find that more often than not I panic and my head hangs in my hands. I don't like moving between shadows really, but anything could happen.

I'll try one note for a while, and sing over it, and then change and sing the same melody.





I want to feel vibrant and real again. I'm really trying to be happy, but some things are not so.
...should make for some good parts to write music to. And that would make me happy.

Err'day is a battle

It's complex, because that's what THEY want it to seem like.

Perfect grids, perfect map - plans and schemes.

Families locked into a .35 acre lot, mapped out, where Google can see you from space.

Dim lit bar with neon shining through the glass, illuminating the bottles of alcohol -

dance jams, top hits, dubstep, pumping through your chest.

                                                                                             Boom boom boom, and a rush.

I get to these points where I feel like I've acquired enough knowledge or experience to be able to actually apply these skill sets, or variations of professionalisms, and I hope to God that things just plateau so I can actually do something - yet the incline continues. There's no stopping.

It's hard to do some things for the proper reasons. And it's funny how you can get to somewhere either totally justified, or a total disgrace of a sinner. I can want to get fit and be healthy to take care of my body and be in shape - or - I can want to have sex appeal and look good. Weird.

So many things I don't understand. I'll go to Texas, Tennessee, Honduras, and a myriad of other places - I'll see the good parts and the bad parts of the world, and the battle goes on. It goes with me, the war will not take my life, but it will be my life.

Listening to Seth talk last night about five or so months of marriage and the things he's learned had really put an impression on me: it doesn't mean happiness. He said so many people go into marriage pent up with sexual tension, feeling like it'll be a breeze and walk into bliss. And as a single Christian man, I hear those things and nod them as "ok, that makes sense" but it really doesn't. There is joy, but it's a lot of work, he says. People shoot themselves in the heart by walking into it thinking, "This will make me happy." And I've been looking for happiness. And that really stripped things bare for me.

To be sure, he didn't say he isn't happy - because he is. He said it's the most satisfying thing he's ever had. He was simply explaining to me that there are so many unrealistic expectations that I really can't prepare for otherwise.

I've gotta grow to be happy now. In this battle. In this war. Joy always, happy in strides, take the pain, take the struggle. God didn't really intend for me to be content here, I think. There'd be no incentive to finish strong. There'd be no urgency because I'd be satiated here, now.

So as I sit at the bar, and look at the shelf, and hear the blaring music,
or as I look at homes, on grids with real estate listings,
or as I leave the city, or face demons, or sit in the quiet evening smiling with friends while no one speaks but we all know that it's ok - through all of it, I can learn again to have joy. I can take it in strides. I can surrender to Jesus, more.

Old German proverb:

“You can suffer without love, but you can’t love without suffering.”

All I can really say is, "Thank God for Thursday."

I'm twitchy, I don't know if it is from restlessness because of a lack of sleep, or if I drank something funny, or if my body is just having one of those hay-days.

I'm happy for all my friends to have Valentine's Day; married, dating and otherwise. It means that I get a night off due to their preoccupation and my occupational hazard. I've been busy, on purpose. Towards the end of dinner this evening, I told Matt Spencer that I am doing these things to keep from losing my mind. Everyone is slowly but surely becoming twitterpated and enveloped by one another as the days pass on. And I think, "Thank God for Thursday, because I am so happy for all my friends who are in love, or finding love, or learning to love each other more."

And to be sure, it's not the one day to demonstrate "I love you", because as Christians, that demonstration is to be the norm. Everyone else I know is telling me to hook up with a girl, or find some girl to start dating just because I need to know what I want...and it's noise. Sickening, deafening noise.

God will bring the right one into my life, into the Rock - whether she's not saved yet or lives elsewhere. Until then, I'll keep busy...except for Thursday night, that's my night off.

lines, not to overstep.

A fine line.

There's a delicate balance I'm learning. Saying no for the sake of not being overtly busy and not having personal time for devotions, rest, or even plain old laundry. Then there's saying no because I don't feel like it. Selfish, simple case of apathy. It's weird I still feel that way sometimes, but I look at how shitty the world is, and how broken things can be, and I think, "What's the point?"

A silver line.

Jesus says to make disciples. Jesus says to pick up my cross and follow him. Jesus says if I love him, I'll obey what he commands - and that means knowing what he commands!!! Jesus said if I'll lose my life for his name's sake, I'll find it. Jesus says that if they hate me, they hated Him first. Jesus is King. Jesus will redeem all that is broken that makes me think, "What's the point?".

A base line.

I have to start somewhere. Even if that's restarting somewhere unsightly or less than ideal. There must be foundations in my life - because frankly I've felt like I've been running the map and running all over the map. Trying to keep tabs on too many things, for too many reasons, that are too far beyond what even concerns me. I say no, so what. I say yes, it's for a reason. I don't know what to say because I can't reason in that exact moment. It's simple, but God has really shown me the benefit of shutting my mouth, stepping away, and thinking about (whatever it is) and collecting my thoughts, cooling off, and formulating how/what/when to act/say/go/stay.

There's still so much to be had this year. I am learning to take things one day at a time. It doesn't do me any good to lose focus by trying to focus on everything. All I want to do is be a good and faithful son. And maybe that means I've gotta be stretched more than I ever have been before - which is hard to believe. I feel the weight of time bearing on my eyes, and heart. Something's gotta give, and I think that's my resistance. I'm just going to leave the city a lot. And run a lot more.

I really have to know what I want, and I'm sure that I didn't know a thing.
I really have to know what I want, in order to reach the finish line.

I haven't had much time to write about things lately. Not to say I don't care to write them, or even that I don't have things to write about. Many days have been spent getting my eyeballs sucked into a computer and just having at it, so the last thing I want to do is spend more time on the net.

This is, mild I think. This season, coming down off months of stress and tons of work. I kind of feel like I'm not doing much, but the truth is I've been running hot and heavy for so long that normal feels abnormal.

I have found rhythm and rest in the minutia of life. I had one of those nostalgic moments the other day when I was looking at my calendar. I realized that after my nights were booked for the next 2 weeks how I longed for the day years ago when I had so much to do that I felt important or busy, or even successful. But the truth is, I genuinely find my importance in who God is and who he's made me. I'm far from refined, I'm not even remotely important, and always maintain that I've never "arrived", for fear of becoming proud and unteachable.

No, it's more like I look at my life written down before me, and I smile because any and all of this, whatever it may be, is by the provision and grace of God.

So I feel tired and busy, but secure and full. There is still much to be done, and I hope for this year to be that beginning in my life. A new day, awakened. It's like I've never seen things like this before.

Soli Deo Gloria