It's complex, because that's what THEY want it to seem like.
Perfect grids, perfect map - plans and schemes.
Families locked into a .35 acre lot, mapped out, where Google can see you from space.
Dim lit bar with neon shining through the glass, illuminating the bottles of alcohol -
dance jams, top hits, dubstep, pumping through your chest.
Boom boom boom, and a rush.
I get to these points where I feel like I've acquired enough knowledge or experience to be able to actually apply these skill sets, or variations of professionalisms, and I hope to God that things just plateau so I can actually do something - yet the incline continues. There's no stopping.
It's hard to do some things for the proper reasons. And it's funny how you can get to somewhere either totally justified, or a total disgrace of a sinner. I can want to get fit and be healthy to take care of my body and be in shape - or - I can want to have sex appeal and look good. Weird.
So many things I don't understand. I'll go to Texas, Tennessee, Honduras, and a myriad of other places - I'll see the good parts and the bad parts of the world, and the battle goes on. It goes with me, the war will not take my life, but it will be my life.
Listening to Seth talk last night about five or so months of marriage and the things he's learned had really put an impression on me: it doesn't mean happiness. He said so many people go into marriage pent up with sexual tension, feeling like it'll be a breeze and walk into bliss. And as a single Christian man, I hear those things and nod them as "ok, that makes sense" but it really doesn't. There is joy, but it's a lot of work, he says. People shoot themselves in the heart by walking into it thinking, "This will make me happy." And I've been looking for happiness. And that really stripped things bare for me.
To be sure, he didn't say he isn't happy - because he is. He said it's the most satisfying thing he's ever had. He was simply explaining to me that there are so many unrealistic expectations that I really can't prepare for otherwise.
I've gotta grow to be happy now. In this battle. In this war. Joy always, happy in strides, take the pain, take the struggle. God didn't really intend for me to be content here, I think. There'd be no incentive to finish strong. There'd be no urgency because I'd be satiated here, now.
So as I sit at the bar, and look at the shelf, and hear the blaring music,
or as I look at homes, on grids with real estate listings,
or as I leave the city, or face demons, or sit in the quiet evening smiling with friends while no one speaks but we all know that it's ok - through all of it, I can learn again to have joy. I can take it in strides. I can surrender to Jesus, more.
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