Strong direction and fierce spirit - I feel the urge to go places and make the most of right now. I keep thinking of how I'll be 25 this year, and that kind of scares me. I'm still young, though I don't feel it. I'm still capable, all the while I sell myself short and undermine what I can actually do.

Lots of reflection, lots of punctuation and editing periods into commas. I stare into the fire and watch the embers glow. I sip on bourbon and feel the medicine coax my worrying heart into conviction and honest prayers. Steele said it best this weekend, "God is not threatened by my doubt." I tell things to God, trembling and soaked, and my little faith seems to dwindle like the solitary coal that pops away from the glowing sea.

God hears me, knows me, feels me, and to think that I'm so bold in my profession of his sovereignty is a jarring conviction that I often lack the faith to substantiate my claim to his sovereignty. Blessedly, it's not contingent upon what I think or feel, even on my best day.

So, what next? What's a guy to do? I'm figuring different things out, things like investments, budgeting for the future, what's keeping me from doing the things I want to do, where will I rest my head in 6 months, and still trying to resist my disobedience and maintain self control.

I crave the preaching of the Word, and Steele hit it. This weekend was many things for me, and a timely word from the Lord is on the top.

Other than that, it was a nice long weekend, and I got to have a few parties at my house:
Campfire, friends, drinks, laughs, good talks, good friends who otherwise don't make it down this way. I'm trying to make a strong effort to include people who I love dearly and want to bring together. I love to have the opportunity to break cliques and get people talking. I love to be the common denominator. I love cooking nice meals for my friends, and listening to good jazz on vinyl. I love feeling things and wearing flip-flops. I love being home and smiling to enjoy these dearest people whom God has blessed me with. There's mystery ahead, but adventure nonetheless.

God bless this summer, and the year that changes my life...again.

Daft Funk

Random Access Memories is not only sonic infatuation, but it has so much soul and rhythm that has ignited this unknown motion in me. Fire, sway, directive.

Just when all I wanted was peace and quiet... Funk that

monolithic

Explorer, be sure to set your traps and mark your trek. I'd hate to find you withered away at trail's end, because you went so far and never sent word by messenger or wren.

In the times when gray flooded the land, and the beast carried to and fro, having his way, heroism and boldness laid dormant; mostly dead.

As I make my way through these places, like Pilgrim did so long ago, I have an urgency to make sure no one else knows where my fort lay, and to have a place to live, hidden in the rocks, entrenched by deep furrows and ditches. One way in, and you're dead going out if there is no welcome.

Be gone, beast, you dragon. Stay back, you crafty liar. Away from me, all you who called me friend, but only in fair weather and now you're ash. Coming undone didn't seem like this - so savage, so archaic. Simple rest would be nice for once, but it is never so.

And then, one day the sky breaks open and I no longer hide. Forever.

future life, fiction memories

I can't even know what's next. There's really no pressure to do anything.
Maybe a lot of things are cooped up in my head because I don't have ears to share, or a heart to meld, or lips to lavish.

Maybe I make up things or see it the wrong way. It could be that life that is and life that isn't are trying to happen simultaneously and I switch tracks too much. Thinking too deep causes me to drown any way you cut it.

Listening to Trouble Will Find Me right now really jogs these dreams I've had lately. Vivid and unfair dreams. Like Roman Polanski or Martin Scorsese have left their best work in the editing room of my picture brain and it's stuck on subconscious repeat but gets better and worse for the wear. Starring me and unknown cast. I'd love to meet them one day, they seem like lovely people if they indeed exist.

Maybe when I have figured things out and after I've bought a house and do the things I want to do, I'll have a cabin in the woods somewhere deep and far, and misty woods will surround a lake, and we'll swim naked in the cloudy day. And that will be so pure. "It's ok, they're married" - Reader

Then we can drive with the windows down, and listen to our favorite songs, and your hair will smell like wilderness and that gorgeous smell I will always know you have. That linger in the morning, past sleepiness and stale breath after a night of whiskey and laughter. Nothing is perfect, but that's what makes it perfect.

And even if it rained, we could stay in the cabin, and watch the clouds climb through the mountains surrounding the lake. We could have a fire, and you could brush your hair while I read Spurgeon or Calvin, and then we'd make dinner and not even think about going back or when this would end.

But even at that point, if I've figured things out, going back wouldn't be so bad. Because we'd be the same kind of close regardless of the setting...we just like swimming naked in abandoned mountains.

But who's to know, dreams aren't real, and neither are you yet.
Just waiting for that long dark hair to reveal your smile and then I'll know.

New wave

There are many good things coming on the horizon. I can't quite understand, but then again who can really know God's ways - even in hindsight, as to how things can still be good and go well all the while this world gets worse and worse. Speaking of course to the deplorable gutting of morality and dismissal of truth, I find that the planet, this world, still is something to enjoy. It's that tension that John Piper talks about when practicing Christian hedonism, but I always just want to go home to heaven so I don't have to hurt, or pay taxes, or deal with cavities.

Very interesting, as all of this culminates and mulls over in my head. I'm seeing old become new, and new happening fresh.

I'm happy for Andrew and Audrey getting married soon, as well as Scrib and Kassie, Chaz and Heather, Mark and Jessica, and I'm sure a slew of others. This next page of weddings will be a good celebration. And more babies will be a delight. 

Slowly but surely the church is settling in terms of family and establishment. I hope that with it comes a new conviction to the authority of Scripture individually and corporately. I hope that with these new phases of life, deeper, stronger cravings for the Word of God not only transforms our spiritual walk, but sets apart our worldview to something better, something holy. Then we can abandon humanism and liberalism (more than mere politics, mind you) and fully cling on to biblical principles that radically drive our day to day, step by step.

I'm praying for a reformation. A storm, a viral contagion that shows people not only what they believe, but why they believe it. I'm praying for a new passion for holiness and a longing for evangelism. A thrust of good will and hope, and a burden for the enemies of the cross. I'm praying for God to deliver me from my vices, and false ideas of incompleteness during this season of life. To have a sense of togetherness, even though I wait and pray still for God to advance my life into marriage and fatherhood. I pray that I don't lose sight of why I'm doing things the way I am now, for the chief end to glorify God, and serve people. And I want to admit when I'm wrong, and depart from flawed ways of thinking.

I just desire to see radical change. Break the norm, Carpe diem! Soli Deo Gloria

fire, knife, key, gun

What's been missing is an adventure. Or 6.
I gotta get out, and go.
I have the things I need, to survive, so I will.

Gonna drive a while.
Gonna stay under canopy and ether.
Gonna go into the night with friends.
Gonna spend some time alone, some more.

I'm learning more of how to land... everything is going to be fine.

when there's nothing to write, write.

I'm just me. These last few months have been incredible, and scales from my heart are falling off.
Nothing and everything exciting, and I can't quite put it into words yet.
SDG

if nothing else

let me help you with a little inspiration, or drum up some "spark" inside -

this helps me when I can't sleep
Kuler




and the hidden things are kept for the people I love most...

fragmented

These last few months have been undoubtedly the most trying and exciting moments of my career. It's been non-stop projects, travels, photo shoots, designing, filming, and shooting - to which I have began to recognize why people aren't "good" at everything.

I used to believe that I could really excel in all areas of creative - but there's just too much to do, and not enough time to do it all well. God is showing me lessons in life, learning to delegate and the like, but mostly in areas of faith. The big lingering question stands: Am I going to trust God continually when it's difficult? While I have fun and enjoy what I do, it is a lot of work. Often others quantify sitting at a desk or going on location to film as easy, but to constantly have to use my brain to be clever and creative has been one of the most challenging things I've had to face. Because I can't be the best cinematographer all the time, or photographer, or animator, or copywriter...I have to be really good at one or two things, and be able to do the rest, but give myself some slack.

There's a lot of fear and isolation I can feel, also, when it comes to my level of work. Not so much isolated as in I don't feel like I have friends or that I'm left alone, but more like, "I feel way ahead of where I even imagined I could be - especially only a 24 year old dude." A major reality has manifested before me, and I'm seeing that growing up is hard and fast, and even more, I guess I'm seeing this huge departure in my mind's eye from what looks appealing and what really matters. I'm not going to live in "what-if's" or wait around for lofty dreams to come true. I want to make things happen - but at the same time remain sensitive to where the Holy Spirit leads me - and genuinely make strong efforts towards more big life decisions.

All of the sudden, I understand why taking a pause is good. I need to assess certain aspects of my life, and when I pray and ask God to lead me and change me, help me overcome sin, help me love better...then I really need to have intention to overcome sin, or love better, or be led. Otherwise I just pray nice things that mean nothing. That's not something I want. I want to mean what I say, which is damn hard. Other things, I'll never open my mouth about again unless God makes the way perfectly, obviously clear.

So there may not be any rhyme or reason to anything I'm saying here - I've been on long flights and through two cities and my thoughts are fragmented. But cutting out excess in my life is showing benefits already. I got rid of my old Facebook for many reasons, and started this new one because Tony is having me admin TRC and TRM pages. Also I use it for work - but I don't want to have relationships virtually. I don't want to watch someone's life like a silent voyeur and infer that I know just about as much as everyone else does without anyone saying anything. It's just getting weird.

I still have my twitter, because I have things to say still (I think). And Instagram is good for sparking ideas and telling everyone how much of a fat kid I still am. But I'm almost going to rid myself of these things - at least drift away into unplugging and not being consumed by cyberspace.

Blogging is still nice, though. I don't think I'll quit that - it's good for my head to write things out. And most the time I write something this size and never publish it, which I feel is even nicer. Time for bed. Until next time...