fragmented

These last few months have been undoubtedly the most trying and exciting moments of my career. It's been non-stop projects, travels, photo shoots, designing, filming, and shooting - to which I have began to recognize why people aren't "good" at everything.

I used to believe that I could really excel in all areas of creative - but there's just too much to do, and not enough time to do it all well. God is showing me lessons in life, learning to delegate and the like, but mostly in areas of faith. The big lingering question stands: Am I going to trust God continually when it's difficult? While I have fun and enjoy what I do, it is a lot of work. Often others quantify sitting at a desk or going on location to film as easy, but to constantly have to use my brain to be clever and creative has been one of the most challenging things I've had to face. Because I can't be the best cinematographer all the time, or photographer, or animator, or copywriter...I have to be really good at one or two things, and be able to do the rest, but give myself some slack.

There's a lot of fear and isolation I can feel, also, when it comes to my level of work. Not so much isolated as in I don't feel like I have friends or that I'm left alone, but more like, "I feel way ahead of where I even imagined I could be - especially only a 24 year old dude." A major reality has manifested before me, and I'm seeing that growing up is hard and fast, and even more, I guess I'm seeing this huge departure in my mind's eye from what looks appealing and what really matters. I'm not going to live in "what-if's" or wait around for lofty dreams to come true. I want to make things happen - but at the same time remain sensitive to where the Holy Spirit leads me - and genuinely make strong efforts towards more big life decisions.

All of the sudden, I understand why taking a pause is good. I need to assess certain aspects of my life, and when I pray and ask God to lead me and change me, help me overcome sin, help me love better...then I really need to have intention to overcome sin, or love better, or be led. Otherwise I just pray nice things that mean nothing. That's not something I want. I want to mean what I say, which is damn hard. Other things, I'll never open my mouth about again unless God makes the way perfectly, obviously clear.

So there may not be any rhyme or reason to anything I'm saying here - I've been on long flights and through two cities and my thoughts are fragmented. But cutting out excess in my life is showing benefits already. I got rid of my old Facebook for many reasons, and started this new one because Tony is having me admin TRC and TRM pages. Also I use it for work - but I don't want to have relationships virtually. I don't want to watch someone's life like a silent voyeur and infer that I know just about as much as everyone else does without anyone saying anything. It's just getting weird.

I still have my twitter, because I have things to say still (I think). And Instagram is good for sparking ideas and telling everyone how much of a fat kid I still am. But I'm almost going to rid myself of these things - at least drift away into unplugging and not being consumed by cyberspace.

Blogging is still nice, though. I don't think I'll quit that - it's good for my head to write things out. And most the time I write something this size and never publish it, which I feel is even nicer. Time for bed. Until next time...