it's about time

Things are good. God is blessing me, even though some days I get parochial and just want to be elsewhere. God has given me unreal positions, and I feel like He has been doing a lot with my life before turning a quarter of a century.

I have gotten to that point of letting people in, so to speak. And I try my hand and having people over, or instigating connections, or even just being social and trying to hang, but I can't force it, so I won't. And it's certainly nice to have switched up my hangout gang as of late. Gives me a fresh pallet of realness that I miss out on, and laughter. Real hearted belly laughs. Most my time is spent with J and the college kids, or Paige and her house. And then I go on trips with Tadd, of course.

And in the silent times, the more "no one gets to see times", I pray a lot for others. It's been a real blessing to reach out to people and care for them. It's been a God thing to show me new ways of looking at life, and praying for others, and participating in God's plan. I'm less focused on myself and what I deem as have nots, but learn thankfulness and a spoonful of "keep waiting son."

Waiting for God to move is terrifying, because I spend a lot of time preparing to be ready, but when it happens, he makes the cogs turn. I feel like a Pinball bouncing around, off bumpers and into 20,000 point pockets that spit me out ramps and past flashing lights. How do I make sense of any of this? I don't really. I just go with it, when God moves quick.

I want Seth to have a healthy baby and amazing family. I want Tim to find an amazing woman and get a better position for work. I want Joseph to grow stronger, work hard, and find an awesome woman. I want my band to do great things. I pray for this a lot. I pray that these dudes get to see their full lives bloom into even more greatness. And I want to love and serve them and with them.

All of these things are taking shape, and it's about time that I've found the edges. I have something to work with; work for. Maybe it's me, but this struggle is a good thing. This life is a curious beauty to unravel and never know the other things. I just cannot wait to wear a jacket again, and see if I can't make some magic and mess and do things better this time around.

That's what I come back to, is if this time around, I get things right, then there wont be a next time around, because theres nothing to come back to - just go on down the narrow until Kingdom come.

you had me at spelling "You're" and using "too" correctly

Dark matter, mad hatter, grey areas, ink to splatter.

Think through the last time you heard a song that pulled on your heart strings.
The recompense to a broken heart. The time you wish you should have but didn't.

Lips tight, daylight, everything is all right.

You can hear it swirling just underneath the surface. The realization of "THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS" and your heart and breathing quicken to uncontrollable levels. It feels so raw, scary, ...good.

I promise that there's nothing lost when you come back home.
They keep telling me that. All of it makes so much sense, and yet is so far off.

And then you think, we'll eventually have to make out and stuff.
Science and love and wind, and then we realize that it got cold outside, and bliss.

Lightbulb

Then it came upon me, like a drenching Nebraska rainstorm; if there is no one here, then I'll have to go. But where? Maybe it's a matter of when?

I can hold my breath for a long time, and let my patience wear as thin as hot wax paper. I can hold my own, but not a candle to the old and weary. Hanging by a thread, these things in life are mere strands of twine wanting nothing more than to bunch up to make a noose and slip around my head every day until I walk in places too deep for my own good. Either way, I can keep ahead of indecisiveness. This town is deserted. It's too small for the one of me. It makes the anticipation build until curiosity rears it's little head through the clouds onto the giant's castle. I'm not climbing up to look ahead, or scout the land. I won't go on a wild goose chase, even if she lays golden eggs. No, I'm just getting my footing back, I feel. There can't possibly be any time left for me to follow rabbit trails. Unlike Mr. Frost, I am not the least bit sorry I cannot travel both. Deserted, in a desert. Not even a trace of bones or marks of a struggle. 

Play dead, play nice, don't play at all, I keep thinking that if I carry on the same, everything else won't be the same. I keep finding that all I want is a change of pace and I've convinced myself living otherwise will lead me there. Gotta get up, move on, find my way around again. 

Back to reality though -

I'm holding out for more years. Long life and good days. Plant a church, be in a home, have better occupations in the hours outside of work.  It's gotta be right, it's gotta be a no brainer. I guess I'll know and I won't have to guess. 

See the forrest. See the trees.
There's a low autumn mist and overcast sky.
It's like you can feel the frost coming, and you forgot where your favorite jacket is.
You didn't forget, you were just debating on whether or not to buy it, and you didn't buy it.
I have green, grey, and black jacket, but I didn't get the red one.
Not like I'm trying to avoid a big bad wolf...I just don't want to accidentally dress to kill.

I like to kill on purpose.

I'll build another home tucked away, you'll make clothes and keep the fire going. I'll hunt and work and use braun to make a fort. Then with music, I'll swoon you to safe sleep under the canopy of God's creation in our lodge on the forrest floor of the lush, cold timber and bitter wilderness.

The fire glows, the nights eat up daylight, I've lost a map, but there are other things to find too.

Tick tock

It's like Mia says - why do we need to talk about BS in order to feel comfortable?

All the more, time is flying by. It's nearly autumn and that means another year has gone and I'm leagues away from places I want to be and things I want to accomplish. And yet, I really am grateful for what God has given me and done in my life.

I just see now, clearly, who I give my life to, in whatever discipline, the importance of dedication and sincerity. There are many people whom I love dearly, but they are withdrawn to a point that I can only give so much. I want to love people more and more, but I think it looks dramatically different with who is close to me and who is not. Proximity is everything, and I can't lose sleep over thinking about spreading myself too thin. And I appreciate that a lot of people close to me think differently on a lot of matters and issues than I do. I think God is showing me a new look at unity amidst differing climates, proving that it's good and refining to not drink the koolaid. 

No time to waste. 

Untitled post #79

I forgot to eat dinner. There was a beer, an open piano, and some spread in my stomach that really pulled hard towards setting my glass on the wood top to let the frills out of those lonely brass strings. I'm so excited for this fall, I don't know why, but I feel like Aslan has been on the move; only in shadows and the corner of my eye in this version of God's reality.

I have come to expect nothing and everything. So I decided tonight to make a marinade from scratch, have Seth and Kirtsy, Tim, and Joseph over for dinner tomorrow and make them steak, risotto, veggies and a cheese tray. I guess I cook when I get bored. It's not a bad thing, I suppose, but maybe I shouldn't get bored so much.

I need to pick back up on reading regularly. My mini library is collecting dust, and the other half is in boxes. I need to move out, even if I don't buy a house. Maybe I'm restless? Maybe I should shut up and cook more. I love having people over, it's just that I'm never home, and home is far away.

A distant address, a distant memory. It's where family tries to collect an idea and feeling of home - but as we are getting old, that's escaping here, sadly. I need my own home, which is temporary until I get to proper Home with my King, and a proper new life.

Music, food, guns, whiskey, books, pen and paper, artwork; who has the time for these many hats? I am the Mad Hatter, and I'll tread into dangerous caves if I have to find treasure. But I listen to Maroon 5, eat salad for lunch mostly, pay off my student loan, and I can't decide if I should do a garden or make a still, still. If I come to a fork in the road, I'll take it.

PTWD

Looking back over the weekend, I'm blessed and thoughtful over what God has done and shown come to full fruition.  God also shows me that I have to get over my post traumatic wedding disorder, where all I want to do is fall in love again, and/or be a dj for dance parties.

Tadd said it best, "We are batting for a thousand for dudes who have stayed in accountability group with us and gotten married quick."

It's true. Andrew, Jesse, Rob, all dear brothers and all got hitched fairly quickly. I told Tadd I'm thinking about quitting, then rejoining in a month...

But I must say, this wedding was particularly one of the best, and certainly the most evident in my view of a God centered union. Their vows were saturated with covenants and promises before God and to each other, Paul Stoddard gave an excellent presentation of the gospel, and Andrew and Audrey washed each other's feet and took communion together. Priceless, encouraging love.

It's been amazing to see Andrew grow in The Lord, and how through difficulties personal and external, God has brought those two together. I've experienced many dear brothers who are much younger in faith and practice be expedited by God into marriage and new stages of life. I start to doubt God and think about myself, and I stop trusting him in those moments of knowing she isn't in my life yet. That's where I go wrong, and I have to be brought back to fundamental truths.

I'm humbled by God's timing and purpose, and there's still much to work through and think about, but particularly understanding that patience isn't marked by reaching a point of thinking God owes me reward or validation because I set a timeline or request before him. God owes me nothing, plain and simple. He saved me and chose to give promises to me, an abundance of this devastating grace I have been experiencing. So, patience is to be had while remaining in that grace he freely gives. And I need to get back into praying more for the heavy duty things, and live patiently in obedience. Patience is a fruit or evidence of the Spirit, so I must abide in the Spirit greater, and more intentionally, and let him lead me where the will, providence,  and grace of God abound.

Here I am 5 hours before I have to wake up, and I can't find my pants.
Things have been worse, I suppose, but just getting back from Honduras, not having enough time to catch up on life, laundry, and the pursuit of happiness is really super duper draining.

I'm blessed to be a part of Andrew and Audrey's wedding. Long drive tomorrow, and I suspect a coffee stop is in order.

But daggum I gotta find my drawers!!! haha.

I seem to always have something wrong

Misguided intentions, things I wish I maybe didn't say, or at least say it in that tone. Wrong ideas, blind with eyes of false status and pushing for silly things  to attract the woman I wouldn't want anyway.

Front and center for laughs and drinks, entertainment galour, but when it comes to real talk, I get sluffed into back corners and tall shadows. So I don't mean to creep, but I'm left out and want to know. A phantom of made up me to you of who I wanted to be. If you saw things the way that I do, we'd all be in a kaleidoscope dream. But the glass broke, and all these girls I see over time, I unquestionably pass over because they're putting out everything but their soul. Broken hearts and a drunken stupor only to find someone not to commit to. It's all I see, and when I see something worth looking at, it becomes Loony Tunes because I can't put two thoughts together and I forget who I am.

It's a joke to me seeing how I struggle through life, and a lot of good struggles at that, but I'm so hopelessly dependent on God, and I can't imagine how anyone can function without him.

Getting sick and missing important nights really hurts my track record that I'm keeping. I've gotta improve my 8 minute mile to become adaptable to these uphill mudslide moments of "Can I please win this time, Mr. Jesus?"

It's mostly always no, and probably for my good. I want too many things maybe, but I'll see this through til the end. Until my mother mournes over my early (yet sovereignly planned and right) grave or until Jesus takes me away.

My tooth broke, and I started to hurt, but in a grown man kind of way. It makes sense why dad would just get pissed off and shut the door. Just got to cope with the pain always until God changes the wind.

I'm gonna grow a garden, like a grown ass man. Take me with you, always.

I did that thing again where I mixed weird imagery, fragmented biographic moments, real life and theology. Dang it.

Swaying

If it weren't for second chances, we'd all be alone...

I can feel it coming, subtly and with force. A rush of autumn struck my heart last night and bursting with song and lyrics, the cool midsummer's evening air swam across my face.

A fire, a proof of light and heat and burning. The flame swayed towards the stars, reaching for more air and more bright. There are so many faces I miss, and moments to make and remember, and I'm so thankful for grace that devistates my life.

And today, there is rain. So many graces and I can't contain myself... Thank you for that second chance, which isn't chance at all, you are a good God independent of what happens in my life or otherwise.

the thing about the world being round is, it never stops.

I fear my taste hasn't been satiated. I fear leaving the world I know. I fear not going into the unknown and talking to as many people as possible about Jesus.

I have faith that God will lead for what's next.

God has planned the end, I want to play a part of the means.
Even the cool kids die one day, so I don't need to waste my time.

Never before have I thought in terms of global influence with such wide eyes.
I have to stay grounded with big dreams and ideas and keep holding to Christ instead of what I think.
Where but for the grace of God go I.