I seem to always have something wrong

Misguided intentions, things I wish I maybe didn't say, or at least say it in that tone. Wrong ideas, blind with eyes of false status and pushing for silly things  to attract the woman I wouldn't want anyway.

Front and center for laughs and drinks, entertainment galour, but when it comes to real talk, I get sluffed into back corners and tall shadows. So I don't mean to creep, but I'm left out and want to know. A phantom of made up me to you of who I wanted to be. If you saw things the way that I do, we'd all be in a kaleidoscope dream. But the glass broke, and all these girls I see over time, I unquestionably pass over because they're putting out everything but their soul. Broken hearts and a drunken stupor only to find someone not to commit to. It's all I see, and when I see something worth looking at, it becomes Loony Tunes because I can't put two thoughts together and I forget who I am.

It's a joke to me seeing how I struggle through life, and a lot of good struggles at that, but I'm so hopelessly dependent on God, and I can't imagine how anyone can function without him.

Getting sick and missing important nights really hurts my track record that I'm keeping. I've gotta improve my 8 minute mile to become adaptable to these uphill mudslide moments of "Can I please win this time, Mr. Jesus?"

It's mostly always no, and probably for my good. I want too many things maybe, but I'll see this through til the end. Until my mother mournes over my early (yet sovereignly planned and right) grave or until Jesus takes me away.

My tooth broke, and I started to hurt, but in a grown man kind of way. It makes sense why dad would just get pissed off and shut the door. Just got to cope with the pain always until God changes the wind.

I'm gonna grow a garden, like a grown ass man. Take me with you, always.

I did that thing again where I mixed weird imagery, fragmented biographic moments, real life and theology. Dang it.