days gone by

It seems that all of life needs to fit in before 9AM and from 6PM to midnight. And boy, you better believe me when I say, I pray for nights to fall asleep by 10, but I'm so wired that when I lay down, my heart wont stop bleeding and all I can think about is the clinching of my jaw and what I didn't get done.

Sometimes I psyche myself out because I don't really know the date, or how far into summer it is, or what's coming up next. I told my mother that I love her, and appreciate giving me her life, and that it's time for me to get out. I don't have anywhere to put my things, and driving home is a part time job. Aside from where I sleep at night, my life has been so wrote. I have not taken a vacation for myself, and all time off is sucked away by doing things the church asks me to do. I'm not upset by it, it'll be my life the rest of my days, I just want to find someone to love and give her that foremost. It'd be nice to actually pursue things that make me happy instead of feeling grey and paid and sour. And it's one of those things where I don't want to wake up and be 32 and still here. Forgetting days, not having the time I want for the things I want. It's hard to see what God wants and has for me with all these fish in a barrel. Sometimes I look at people I used to know and want to know and the only thing I can do is force a smirked smile and think, "What in the hell happened?"

Who can love, really? Maybe I have no capacity for it anymore. It'll be 25 years for me next week, a decade since I've been coming to church, so I really pray God gives me a fresh chapter and new slate to paint the next five years red and live in the black.