the wind through the trees

a night sky so scantily clad, it was almost as if the moon were seducing me into outer space. i forgot the smell of cold, fresh air, riddled with pine and crestfallen snow. seldom were moments like these to come upon my path, but they lasted an eternity when i was in them. an engagement was to be had, not the formal kind where two lovers are to be wed; no, this wasn't so. it was an evening to find myself, paradoxically as it came to be, lost. intertwined and wrapped up in a euphoria of memories that never were, and hopes for a life that would never be. for i kept seeing myself as people i'm not, nor have the capacity or ability to become. i found myself in a reckoning of accepting who i am, finally after all this time, and not who i thought others meant for me to be. and she was still out there, wooing me through the bitter black of the open atmosphere. i would know her closely some day, and soon, as my hope could only be bridled as much as soon meant.

i could now feel the cold bite through my clothing and wool coat that draped my body in warmth shortly before. i reached for my flask, and twisting off the lid, i slowly found myself reflecting on actual memories of actual things and how moments stole people from me, and how people stole life from me, and how life stole love from me because of people in those moments. they're all faded now, and as the chilled bourbon hit my lips, it warmed me inside. not for the substance and effect, but for the kind times i did have with my kin, those whom i still to this day call brother. it was a warmth that i hadn't felt in quite some time. it was irreplaceable, and gave me the strength to bridle that hope even longer past what soon was meant to be.

the melodies of Chopin soared through the wreckage of my mind, Nocturne in e-flat to be exact. my boots crunched through the snow, and sunk even deeper when i stopped to gaze into the moon.

the only thing i had said aloud that eve was "Sarang, seriously. Come find me."

this is kinda what I thought it would be.

Fly on, right through, maybe one day I'll fly next to you.

I haven't written anything in quite a while. I'm sitting at my desk, in my office, with the green wall and stacks of books, in my new house, all by myself writing this with a galaxy's worth of thoughts.

A nice word exercise to express how I feel right now: firehose, torrential, lightning bolt, exhausted.

I've come to a place where the XY and Z things I thought I wanted, and really took a heartfelt stab at, are now all ether in the past. So, the reality faces me - I need to know what I want next. That's kind of a hard place to get to, since I have XY and Z things I need to take care of with my home, personal provisions, etc. The more you grow up, the more I see how you grow up. The more I grow up, the more I feel the extreme luxury of day-dreaming up passions and scheming ways to get what I WANT, instead of going through this or that to get what I need accomplished. All that to say, I feel like a dad, but a dad in a house without a wife or kids. I've got all the terrible puns, all the eye-roller jokes, all the cuss words and cynicism to last 4 generations of more me.

Some things make me want to cuss and spit. Mostly junk mail and bitchy people. Other things make me really want to dance before the Lord in rejoicing and relish the great love of God in my life.

Here's a list of what I don't have on the docket:

A wife
A colander
A stircrazy popcorn maker
A blu-ray player to watch Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, or even Kill Bill vol 2.
A copy of Kill Bill vol 2. on blu-ray to watch.
And that's it.

Sucks

It's hard to go to bed without Teddy. 

A rush of real and raw hit my life. So many things at once, so many bumps on this road that showed what really spills. Some of it I'm glad over, others, most of these spills, I'm gravely ashamed. 

I had like 800 Million thoughts. I want to stay home and watch all the Star Wars movies, I want to leave in the wilderness for a while, I want to make out with the babe God has made for me, I want to distill my own brand of hooch, I want to smoke with Bill Murray and talk about owning an island. 

My heart hurts more now than it ever has, but, that's life. God has a plan, I never once doubted his goodness, I just saw that difficult doesn't mean bad. What should I do next? The next right thing. Even if that means the next unconventional thing. I've grown incredibly tired of people around me having fickle commitments, and not having their money where their mouth is. I guess the hard raw stripping down to my soul made everything seem, well, exposed in a new light to me. 

I gotta laugh, love people, keep doin my thing. I won't be stopped, especially by myself. 

I know why people don't like me either - I hit that nerve that makes them realize they need to leave their comfort zone. And I only do it to those whom I love, because I really do care, as cliche as it sounds. We are in a war, and soon I'll stop saying things, because heads are gonna roll. 

I am a million miles from home. Days, months, years, who knows, but I'm not done, I can't fully rest, and this war will rage on. But there are moments when everything seems so clear. Carry on. Pilgrim, you are not alone. 

Sorted Dissaray

My eyes are bereft of rest

And the ache of my heart crept back

This sudden realization that all I want seems so far away

What happened? I feel like I woke up and everyone had a plan to change without even telling me. This hot and cold transfer didn't do anything good, and now I have this Truman Show sense of paranoia. 

It makes me want to scream. The big bad wolf is just lurking past the tree line, and he's watching my life burn to the ground with a crooked smile locked from ear to ear. 

My Russian nesting heart keeps shelling up and locking away, and I don't say what I mean to say. It's a problem. 

I am satisfied and things are good. I'm a liar and things are better. I am in denial and still drive home alone. I am wandering aimlessly through capsized ships and deep sea monster boneyards. 

Deja vú to future happenings of undesirable circumstances, and I snap out of it with tight fists, remembering to take a deep breath and know that it isn't real yet. 

These are my bad dreams. 

Room 342

Another Friday night spent in a hotel room.
Another weekend away, and Monday is just around the corner.
The weeks are flying by, there isn't any time for anything it feels like.

So, here I sit in my room, at not my desk, with a jarring headache. I'm in the middle of projects, damage control, looming deadlines, new campaigns, after a long, hard, freezingly painful day, and all I can think of is how I want to record these musical ideas that haven't left me since I left Salt Lake. All I can think of is Moby, how someone a while ago said I had the confidence and creative vision of Don Draper (independently of them knowing I like that show, and him...as much as a Christian can and should like someone like Don Draper...), and that I want to be in my own bed and be home reading my books.

It's nice to go to the bar and order whatever, and say "charge it to my room".
I wish all of life were like that, but then again, I'd be foolish and the dessert wouldn't be a sweet treat anymore. Everything would be vain, more than it is now, and the thrill of the chase would be rabbits and foxes eating each other with no order to red tape and formalities.

What I mean to say is, it's a hell of a situation. Everything is taken care of, because I am forced to have my life remote from my life, and it's a nice luxury, but pales grossly in comparison to actually being home, and actually being with those I love. All I want is to be around and look you in the eyes and hear you talk and smile because it's all so real.

The Calvinist

A poem by John Piper

See him on his knees,

Hear his constant pleas:

Heart of ev’ry aim:

“Hallowed be Your name.”

See him in the Word,

Helpless, cool, unstirred,

Heaping on the pyre

Heed until the fire.

See him with his books:

Tree beside the brooks,

Drinking at the root

Till the branch bear fruit.

See him with his pen:

Written line, and then,

Better thought preferred,

Deep from in the Word.

See him in the square,

Kept from subtle snare:

Unrelenting sleuth

On the scent of truth.

See him on the street,

Seeking to entreat,

Meek and treasuring:

“Do you know my King?”

See him in dispute,

Firm and resolute,

Driven by the fame

Of his Father’s name.

See him at his trade.

Done. The plan is made.

Men will have his skills,

If the Father wills.

See him at his meal,

Praying now to feel

Thanks and, be it graced,

God in ev’ry taste.

See him with his child:

Has he ever smiled

Such a smile before,

Playing on the floor?

See him with his wife,

Parable for life:

In this sacred scene

She is heaven’s queen.

See him stray. He groans.

“One is true,” he owns.

“What is left to me?

Fallibility.”

See him in lament

“Should I now repent?”

“Yes. And then proclaim:

All is for my fame.”

See him worshipping.

Watch the sinner sing,

Spared the burning flood

Only by the blood.

See him on the shore:

“Whence this ocean store?”

“From your God above,

Thimbleful of love.”

See him now asleep.

Watch the helpless reap,

But no credit take,

Just as when awake.

See him nearing death.

Listen to his breath,

Through the ebbing pain:

Final whisper: “Gain!”

Oh!

There's some things that I say in confidence, that articulate my willingness to be selectively vulnerable.

There is also my unwavering resolve to not ever back down, especially to cowards, "cool boys ", and the like…

I'm not afraid to kick someone's ass who will mess with, cause harm, or inflict duress on those whom I love. Whether it be physical or otherwise. There will be destruction where necessary. 

I have a vision, and a plan, and I know what I want. Be gracious, Hayden, but don't throw discernment out with the bath-water. Be kind and meek, but be able to hold fast against the blistering winds of this world. Look everyone in the eye, and be in that moment. Life, love, learning, growing, hope. Future and all of it's belongings will unfold without my will, so, I do what I can in harmony with what God has. 

I know who I love, I know what I want to do for my remainder on this Earth, and I will fight and serve and love and die on this road to KINGDOM. Mark my words. 

What Would I Say? Pt. 1

I've been introduced to this new site that will ultimately be the end of me. Science, lines of code, and algorithms have taken everything I've said on Facebook and mixed them up into phrases. Below are a few samplings of what this website has come up with...and please forgive me for the occasional heresy that pops up.

(It is inevitable when you post as many verses, quotes, and jokes as I do)

"That awkward moment when you're single"
"It really impacts my life for the beginning of the THINGS"
"Let me learn by paradox that the repenting soul is consumed with sin"
"He is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but take heed of those small beginnings of a life committed to him beholding your wall."
"Let me find my life committed to innocence..."
"'Duh Seth.' - Mark Driscoll"
"John 10:11 Jesus said, I may come on down to the Lord. What Jesus says here is my life to be for the Killers."

And there are so many more, and so hilarious! Check it out for yourself:

www.what-would-i-say.com

salt

May I never lose it
May you always be the fragrance
May the light never dim
May the sound never cease
May the words never end
May the silence find its place

Keep me fierce. Loving. Discerning. Salt and light.

May our world fall to ruin
May your grace prevail
May the justice of God judge
May KINGDOM come soon(er)


Cities on hillsides burning into the night, exalt, make Thou name great, for Thou art worthy.

the sweetest thing

The frontier of profession and thick atmosphere is continually beckoning my name. There's something about that moment, that synapse of sound and emotion, which allows you to reach deeper in someone's soul than they even let their closest friends. God gave me this thing, this insatiable outpouring of being that. Of, I don't know what you'd call it, because I don't know what I'd call it either, connecting with perfect strangers, and making your companions understand everything and beyond with the fixation of a listening room - listening to every. last. note.

I've reached a new climate. I've found this sweet spot, this departure of being dictated by convention, of saying to hell with the box and think about things in new ways. Perspective has afforded me the broadest view of the most unscathed landscape you ever imagined. Sometimes when you think of "what's out there", your mind might snap to a world like Middle Earth, or the Never Ending Story, or even some transcendent planet of utopian proportions. I assure you, it's even more.

I'm not so much only thinking about what heaven is like, it's more like I want to start living for it more consciously. Everything that I'm going to do is going to be founded upon pushing people towards Jesus. That's all leadership is. That's all caring is. That's all holiness is. And not in some contrived way do I use the word "all", by means to degrade it or reduce it to a simple facet of life. I simply mean to say, all of it added up, all that I'm doing is going to bring people along the road with me to KINGDOM.

Music, friendships, my girl when God shows me her, any-thing-church-related. Ministry is full life. Coram Deo. All things before the face of God. Ministry isn't something slated on planned servanthood, or whatever that site is. Ministry isn't on a day. Ministry isn't something you sign up for, it's something that you're elected to.

Jesus is convicting my heart in a lot of ways. I'm going to live as a pastor should live. I'm going to love as a pastor should love. I'm going to stand for the truth as a pastor should. I'm going to prayerfully and carefully know the truth of Jesus and all that entails, because His sheep know His voice. God, the sweetest thing is to live for THAT day. And all your potential you gave me, all the gifts and skills I have, all the resources I can use, I want to give it for you and make the most. Work hard, work harder, enjoy life, enjoy salvation today. Enjoy it because that's all I can do, it's simple idiocy to not enjoy it.

God has given me music, that's the biggest thing. That's so intangible and makes the least sense to most onlookers, but it's a me and God thing. That's what makes me tick. That's part of his glory in my heart. Amen.

musings of an old mind in a twenty-first century body

Oh what lengths I've gone
The stones I've thrown
And whispers swallowed

The muck and mire hath not betrayed me
For I know my origin, I know whence I was birthed
My father is of dust, and my bondage shall wither
In a moment, and a flash, and the swiftest stroke
I AM will take the soul that I am

Rain and dreary will subdue my anger for today
The clouds of protection guard me from venom
And space decay will never set hold my mind


I will always run towards that day
Never will I desire anything greater
For longer
For better

I will take for me a bride
For I was made for her
and she was made for me

And we will run towards THAT day
we will run through woodlands
through hardships
through hiphop clubs
the urban slump of the death of Christendom
and we will love our God, and each other
AND I WILL HOLD ON SO GRATEFULLY
because each breath is a gift
and each breath of hers is a gift


I will find her, my maiden, my bride, the wife of my youth
for she will be along the same road in my pursuit of KINGDOM.

Irresistible

“Grace is the celebration of life, relentlessly hounding all the non-celebrants in the world. It is a floating, cosmic bash shouting its way through the streets of the universe, flinging the sweetness of its cassations to every window, pounding at every door in a hilarity beyond all liking and happening, until the prodigals come out at last and dance, and the elder brothers finally take their fingers out of their ears.” 

- Robert Farrar Capon

Ode to Yesteryear

There's that young, restless heart again. So wily, so off the cuff. Actually, I don't think that I wore cuffs often enough to consider any of my actions not riddled with spontaneity.

Late nights, tired eyes, rock and roll music that really makes my heart feel like it was all a dream until now. Waking up, driving to numb, I find things that pull me back to getting butterflies and having less of an iron constitution.

Reality hits, the record player screeches to a halt. I forgot to water the plants, I have two bills and freelance bids due that I'd much rather bid adieu. The clock ticks on, and there's not a solitary thing I can do to stop it. Sadly, I never learned French like I wanted to, and I haven't gotten to that washboard physique that would make me photo worthy of Billboard's Hit 100 chart in a nice modern gentleman's suit. Or at least be friends with Ryan Gosling.

I was never one for skinny ties, and I certainly have no skinny ties because I'm half British and my dad eats victory and protein shakes for breakfast each morning. Genetics says I'll have husky bloom, thanks to coach. I'm still working to be fit though, but for reasons of stewardship. Image isn't everything, because all is vanity. My silver lining comes in when the bass drops, and mulling over all my influences musical and otherwise have started to find their home amidst the cogs and colored shapes that make of the musical parts of my heart and mind. I'm appreciative of these things building up inside, but I'm dangerously itching to open the floodgates before this levy breaks.

There's a younger me that never got to be, and he's living locked up without a key. He never got the chance, he never received the benefit of the doubt, he never knew how to say what he meant. So, he slips me notes every now and again, flipping light switches that I forgot were even there. Some things you just can't go back to, and the things I've done are all for a reason, and the things I never got to do aren't lost. This isn't the end. Finishing an album isn't an end. Buying a house or getting married aren't the finish line. These are all just checkpoints, and that kid kicks my heart to remind me of the fiery passion I used to have. Keeps me from being gray and predictable. Keeps me from being hopelessly adorable like Harold Krick.

Well, the passion is still there...just buried underneath receipts, calendar notifications, spilled coffee and Coldplay vinyl sleeves. I'm only in my mid twenties, and I feel older, and look older still. Pick up the needle and start it over, but flip it to side B please.

Thanks,

The Management.

Another Day

I've never experienced such a rush, a burst of everything.
The last few weeks have been remarkable for writing new songs.
Lots of singing, so many things to say, so real and I can't believe what's happening.

Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's a stir I've never known, but autumn has got me thinking about life, love, fire, and giving it all away. It's remarkable, but when things are not ideal, or when the people around you aren't who you expected to end up with, there really is a change of pace.

Where my treasure is, what I value and what means the most to me, is where my heart will be also.
Making strides and efforts and painstaking advanced to do the things I want to do. It's never been a matter of ability, no. It's always been a matter of wills. A matter of "is this something I absolutely want." Because in that case, it doesn't matter how I get there, if I want it, I will get there.

So, Jesus is the center, Jesus is my all. If my desire is to follow him, truly and unadulterated, then no matter the means, I will follow. All secondary and tertiary things follow suit in the same principle.

A lot is before me, and even more is behind me. I'm thankful for where God has me.

some of all of the things

That moment when you cry, because your heart is stirred so much and brimming with so many of the things. And part of crying is because you can actually feel. And another part of it is that you're shocked it's actually still in there, connected, and living. And the biggest part is that people are dying, and people are going on their own ways and all you want is for Jesus to make it all better and take you away.

THIS life or any life, or even by definition of the meaning and worth of life, is not meant to be alone.

My heart breaks for my grandmother, she has lost her love for over a decade now. She still kicks on.
My heart breaks for my brother, he's lost all sense of what love is meant to be and bought into the lie.
My heart breaks for my coworkers, and their workaholism and listless identities in fleeting things.
My heart breaks for this city, because it looks so nice and beautiful, but so are white washed tombs.
My heart breaks, and that's cause for joy, because in all things I aim to worship my Lord.
My heart breaks, and I'm relieved that I'm a son.
My heart breaks, and the hope and weight of future glory on that day keeps me running.
My heart breaks because the weight of this world hits so hard.
My heart breaks when I feel alone and that my days are passing too quickly, and I want to love for realsies this time.

My heart is healed because of the work and grace of Christ my King.
Jesus heals an ever breaking heart, and he is my peace and comfort.
And to know that it's ok to have a broken and contrite heart makes it easier to cry over things that really matter, and that my heart is to be a son who really matters and gives each possible passing moment to my Father who so graciously and generously gives life and all it's inhabitants; not alone.

Rugged and Refined

There's not much of a difference between a gentleman and a mountain man. I mean to say, a proper gentleman, and a real mountain man. The contrast is in the polish, but otherwise, they are the same man.

Etiquette and manners is essentially consideration and respect. A gentleman stands when a lady approaches the table, enters a room, or upon the exchange of salutations. He holds the door open, offers to light her cigarette, gives her his coat when there's a chill or sign of rain, and always esteems her with the utmost respect. He isn't afraid to work hard, and in fact he does. He will be sure to speak his mind, but with thought and poise. His respect for the common man transcends his personal preferences. He knows his personal preferences, and there's an elegance in his confidence. He is refined and outstanding.

A mountain man works hard to provide food, shelter, protection and comfort for his woman, and family if applicable. His attire suits him for his needs pertaining to the season, and he always shows himself presentable after a long day's work. He fights off wolves and hostile natives to defend his woman and his plot. He tames horses and bridles oxen for their braun and power. His kindredness and hospitality are known throughout the land for those who perhaps wander along his way. His giving hand is reinforced by his working arm. He works hard, and isn't afraid to get dirty. He has his principles and convictions, and with him belongs the utmost respect and attentive ear. He knows his personal preferences, and enjoys the fruit of God's creation. There's a sophistication to his simple life, yet he is rugged and outstanding.

Different times, different places, different appearances, but these men are entirely too much the same because of character and integrity. And even more so that God has made them both. These personifications can also be held by the same man; inseparable except for what the eye perceives.

It's not like that...I promise.

room to breathe

And then all made clean, I saw upon the screen all the stones I throw....

Time for focus, patience, grace, and a higher road. It's going to be a good thing no matter what, but I feel as though it'll take some time, and certainly a lot more prayer. I've grown accustomed to staying on the side lines, but anymore, I'm going to remain by your side. In the thick of it, in the moment of it, in the heat of pressure and uncertainty. That's the biggest step of faith, putting all my chips in.

Never did I imagine any of this, but it's all that's on my mind now. I cannot see beyond this fragile piece of life, but I can seem to see everyone else's. So, I stay the course, and trust the Lord. Otherwise, I'm undone.

I dissolve and break and then away I crawl, and then away I crawl.

time is on my side

When I remember all the time I've wasted on silly things, I laugh with a jab of bewilderment and sarcasm as I cover the pit in my stomach. I never wanted to say I could have done more, or been more, but there are realities that come up through the refinement to prove otherwise.

I don't have regret, I have sorrow and repentance, sans condemnation.

Today, well, today is new. I am a Christian. I'm not a single Christian, I'm a Christian who is single right now. That doesn't define me. Sure, I make mention that I want a woman, a real woman who is dead set on Kingdom come, who will love Jesus more than me and whip me into shape. Even that I struggle days going on without her. But, nevertheless, that doesn't define me. I am a Christian who plays music. That doesn't define me, although I love music so very much and want to use what God has given me well. I am a Christian who works a lot, but that doesn't define me. Making more money than most 25 year olds make doesn't define me, although I realize it's a kind provision from the Lord and he's enabled me to do things beyond my imagination. Materials don't define me. Assets and possessions don't define me. I am a Christian.

Horizontal relationships come second. My chief end is to glorify God as an obedient son. I want closeness and vibrancy. Radiate grace and seriousness, and joy and the sorrow of living in this world of sin. Jesus, bring me so close. I want to be the man that God made for her, for them, for those whom I love dearly and those who I don't know yet.

Even as I write this, the Scientist comes on, and as tears well up in my eyes, I remember that nobody said it was easy, and that I'm going back to the start - my first love. Thank you Jesus that you define me. That I am yours and that you keep letting me come back.

Terms and Conditions pt 1

1 Peter 3:17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.

No one really reads the iTunes terms and conditions before downloading the newest software update, or the e-signature tax filing agreement on H&R Block's website, or even the healthcare forms of consent before visiting the doctor. Yet these things are legally binding agreements I agree to, and could have huge implications on my life if something went awry. These agreements have weight over our lives.

In the same way, I see that tendency in my own life as I read the Bible. Some days I will be reading out of habit or because I know I should, and gloss over it until I know I'm getting to a familiar verse, or even think to myself I "understand the jist of this..." when all I should be doing is striving to know the whole council of God. To know line upon line, precept upon precept. Why would I act this way? It's not always on purpose, it's mostly from a lack of discipline and lolly-gagging around in daydream land. Not only does Scripture hold weightier implications on my life today, but eternally; immeasurably more than said documents I flippantly consent to. Knowing God by his revealed word means that I need to focus in devotional times, and not go down mental rabbit trails as God is trying to speak to me.

Well this morning I read the verse above found in 1 Peter 3, and I was struck by three major principles. It caused for a hard look at my life, even now despite the many areas of life and ministry where I esteem to obey and serve The Lord. God spoke to me in a still small voice, and yet so profoundly. Again with this regular theme in my life of "well of course that's true", they are seemingly simple principles, but life changing altogether. They are as follows:

1. As if God said this to my heart, "Hayden, of course you will face suffering. You have suffered in the past and Jesus himself said in this world you will have tribulation. I do not delight in your pain, but rather I have a plan that your parochial, finite view cannot see, and I do want you to grow in holiness closer to me. The principle of the refiner's fire, the true test of character, the Holy Spirit being sent to you as Jesus prayer is recorded in John 17, the author of Hebrews calling Christ the Author AND Perfector of your faith - seeing my faith to it's full completion." All that truth coupled with the reality that, yes, suffering is inevitable. It may and probably will look different than the suffering of 1st and 2nd century Christians, suffering the Jews faced in Auschwitz, or even what Arab Christians face today in the Middle East, but suffering exists all the same. Even just being in the flesh and having to have a knowledge of the law and then exposed to rampant sin, as Paul expressed in Romans 7. Suffering, in whichever form God allows for my life or those around me, in pagan 21st Century America, is ultimately for his glory, and not our resting place, but thorn bushes we have to press through on this straight and narrow path through the valley of the shadow of death. 

Time fails me to write the rest of my thoughts today, so points two and three will be addressed in follow up posts. I'm incredibly grateful that God is bringing me out of this plateau stage of life and into the running again. Soli Deo Gloria.