encouraged/discouraged

what a paradox of emotion I'm feeling right now...i don't feel like using proper capitalization either.

tonight was a great season of prayer. a bunch of us musicians met at steele's house and we all prayed for the better part of 2 hours. it was super encouraging.

then i get home and i hear my brother arguing with my parents about going to a rave. i was totally shocked at how heated he was getting, as if it were the most important thing in the world to him. then my sister ran in the room and had to pipe in and argue on his behalf. i just sat there in shock at all these horrible things he was saying, and i waited for a moment, then interjected, "are you even really saved?" my heart is severely grieved at hearing my brother protest his right to do what he wants, out of arrogant entitlement. and even more so to hear my sister boast in her sin, at how much fun it is to smoke weed and have sex. i seriously just sat there completely mortified. i'm even weaping as i write this because i never though "family" would be this way. even though my parents objected all of this, they seemed to just fall by the wayside because they know that my brother will do it anyway.

i hear my brother say how he doesn't care what God thinks right now, because he wants to experience his own life and do what he wants now. that freaks me out. he said he doesn't care about reading his bible that i bought him either. i think back to that night where i spent several hours going through the gospel with him, and how he cried and said it made sense...but looking in on things now, it seems like nothing for him has changed. I am reminded of the parable of the soils in Mark 4, and I'm immensely burdened for my brother and sister...

i'm terribly upset right now. i want to run away. i want to hit the reset button and be a better brother. i know God is sovereign, but i am so regretful right now of all the shit i did wrong. i want to forget my life and disconnect, because this is so hard. but i know i will suffer through this. i forgot what a broken heart feels like...and i pray this doesn't become a familiar feeling for me.

God please please do something.