old town

sweet, velvet honeysuckle
slow drag of a soothing cigarette
the suave jazz of 1 A.M.

she loved me, and wouldn't tell me
all the boys were crazy for her
and i saw it
i saw her every now and again
after sets, i dropped down behind the stage
left my drink on the piano
stepped in the back ally way

you were standing by the car
in the pale moonlight
the silver sheen reflecting on your lips
and i never thought you looked more radiant
so gorgeous
so, right.

i don't know if you would ever know
or if i'll ever tell
but words have a way of ruining and making a lot of things
and a lack of words even more so

Heavy laden, said the Hayden..

it'd be nice for once to make sense of inanimate objects speaking profound things to me.
my professors all think i'm crazy, because they're crazy and i understand them, and they've caught on to me...but it's nothing i cant just write off in my jogging journal. it's that thing when you write as you jog. i just made that up...

ask not what you can do for your country; just get off your butt and do it!!!
speaking of which, she has made me quite unready, and i want to vomit...

consumed with your loneliness
and your dastardly venomous looks
dresses
eye-liner
smoke in the room
laughter and pulsating music
inch by inch you try to creep into my heart
shooting that one look, the glare of seduction and reprisal affection
and nothing in my head is louder than the voice that says, "RUN"

I am violently roaring inside
so I lean my head back and slide my posture to the furthest ends of untouchable
as to show the most impenetrable, courageous retreat in the world.

the ingredients for time bombs and nuclear holocaust were all there
ready
fused
lit
and that life was stripped away for a reason
and God saved the day over and over again

"yeah she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me..."
it seems as though that's a common theme in my life↑
(even if sometimes she is a good girl and loves Jesus)

➤➤➤➤➤God's time, not mine - something to always remember.

I had that dream again

Over the top, a bit much. Slipping in and out of readiness, consciously. It was a whole world of steam punk and rotary cell phones. My 42 Chevy was a hover craft, and she had daring red lips. Long, dark trench coat, nice suits, glass pack of cigarettes - all the sudden, brokenness knocked at my door.

A sinister sharp pain shot through my back, golden bullets. In my chest was a thermometer and an analogue clock, ticking down like a time bomb. A city barren, covered in fall out. I'm alone again, but I always was when I thought about it. Don't charge me with interest, when you're not interested.

Spectacle, reciprocal.

Respect your elders.
Hold your tongue, then make love to your spouse. Spouse meaning married, you perverted generation.
Bible is the framework, executive plan and blueprints for all of this.
Drink in the rays of setting suns, over and over again.

Spend an hour listening to someone who has it going not so well, and cry with them.
Make sacrifices and stand up with a bold face.
Be humble and confident, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Hot cherry pie and french vanilla melt the evening away, and you can hear the thickness of the summer air. The blue light from the television fills the room, and you try to figure out which objects are casting which shadows. Then it hits you, all the people you love are different now, and it's hard to fall in love again.

Lamp shades made of fabric, baskets with blankets in them and a soft chirp from the wilderness sings in through the window. It's almost like you're not in the city anymore, it's almost like civilization has stopped altogether, and that feeling is wonderful.

A pin drop, the future, bliss. White atmosphere, and we're all dressed in soft silver jump suits. Quiet voices direct us through the halls and wings of the New Republic of North America. We can't go outside, so we suffer through safe life with this recycled air. We're all tan, in shape and party every night. This utopia has destructed all ideas of conviction and restriction. Credit card brain stem, have what you want now. We've all become filthy, writhing whores, and then God became the ultimate cuckold because of our putridness. It's a wonder that he chooses to save any of us. When poetry is dead, Jesus is still alive forevermore.

I shut the world outside until the lights come on...

It's been out for a few weeks now, but I absolutely love this song.

Some would probably say, "Can we expect you not to love a Coldplay song?"
I would say they're right...





Beautiful music.

"You can try and think you are doing everything right....but you will never really know the weight, importance and seriousness of your goals to provide for your future wife, until she's actually in your life and you're in a relationship. At that point of understanding, nothing else other than her matters, and plans for your family takes precedence." -Zach, on our drive to Denver.

We had some really good conversations, and still after thinking through this week and what's happened, I have some serious considerations to do. Times away like this do an incredible thing to me: make me see how far off track I am in a lot of areas of my life, and make me see the positive things God is doing too.

I had quite a few wild cards thrown in the mix, and it is making me take a hard nose look into my own heart and ask "What are you doing, Hayden?" To know the lengths I've gone, and the things I've sacrificed, and nights I've wept endlessly, and miles logged in prayer walks, I should reevaluate what I'm shooting for. Like what happened in stepping down from music, I wanted to make sure I was going to play as my service to God, and not because of routine, capability, expectancy...etc. So in the same way, I suppose I'm doing the very same thing with my heart: towards my future, who I want my wife to be, what my one year and five year goals are. It will be an intensely necessary thing for me, and I might end up at the same point, but I have to go for it.

Getting out of my normalcy, regularity of persons, and being able to share in something so life changing for my best friend, has taken a huge part of my heart and jumped started it. God did it, I'm sure of it. I'm not one to typically react this quickly nor fervently to something unless I genuinely believe with all my heart God has something in store as a result from this. My solace rests in the sovereignty of God, and my stewardship follows in his will. And who knows, it might end up being another three years...that's ok with me.

I am completely blown away.
I am so happy for Zach and Megan.
The best wedding I've ever been to.
My life is changed.
More to come soon...gotta process all this.

pffftsssshhh

"Who wants to grab some cheeseburgers and hit up the cemetery?"

Well, I didn't even mean for this to happen, but when I entered a contest to win free books, it signed me in to Facebook. I kinda shrugged at the fact that I was right off the bat hit with 5 instant messages from people, but what caught my eye and kept me logged on, was all the old photos from years ago.

I was SKINNY! Wow. I guess I stopped caring because clearly there isn't any girl in my life who is close to the prospect of pursuing. Over the last year or so, my theological studies grew with my tummy I guess. But I do think about working out, when I see a cute girl look at me and smile in public. One of 'em will get saved, the cute one in a million kinds, and I'll probably marry her.

Then after browsing through the photo albums, I remembered why I got away from Facebook in the first place. 1. Relentless, cute girls messaging me. 2. Waste of time.

It's just mostly a joke. Like, it's where people live. It's a city at your fingertips, and you are the creator of your own image. Sure, I see the resourceful aspects of it, but to me it has lost it's luster.

Plus, people flirt and whore their hearts out - so that sucks too. It's also a place where Christians can get sloppy and say things they might not say in small group, or around a pastor. The difference with me is there is no difference; I'll say it on here or out there. Kind of how I roll, I guess. Shifty...like this picture of me starting young.

This isn't really me...because it's not a beer.
An accurate depiction, however.

Happy Monday

also, I would like to one day find out that you love me too, and ride bikes. or something fantastic.

this made my day

Friends are nuts and Psychiatrists are 5¢ 

how did we turn out this way?

combinations of events and distress
intelectual feeding from first-hand family
habits and mannerisms from conviction

the way we worked
lived
laughed
cried
together, made us fall in love
because summers in high school were everything

and we dreamed of growing up
almost utopian
because it was perfect
looking past all the acne, curfew and not being allowed to drink or smoke...

then we grew up and had all those things
and it didn't become what we thought
but there are still moments when it can be better
and to be better than our dreams would be the wonderful work of God.

I never thought I would sing so deep, but it happened -
through all the prayers losing my voice,
shots of whisky,
cigarettes,
late nights after small group
talking with brothers about theology and the things of God.

I want a reformation, and I want to knock down walls,
and pitch ideas, and ruffle feathers for the sake of preserving what scripture says.

To smash the idea of Contemporary American Christianity, erase the focus of only God being loving to look at what He says about himself in scripture, and grow with the Church into people who center their lives around Christ and the things of Him. How our conduct, speech, likes and dislikes, schedules, stewardship, quiet times, prayers, worship should all be molded after God's own mandate. Image bearers wasn't an easy task post-Eden. Free will chose against God. God, in His kindness, saves His elect.  I will follow scripture and it's own integrity over direction from someone that tells me to shy away from defining important arenas of God and his character.

rant, rant, rave, rant. a long day behind me, soft feather down pillow and bed consumes me. Me and my faith have to fight against comfort. And I know satan is the kind of guy you would trust after first meeting him, and probably invite over for dinner...screw the notion of a red guy with fawn legs and horns. It's a battle, and I need to be sharp. God hasn't given me a wife yet, but he's temporarily filled it with full time ministry to bless his Church in one way or another. that's it, time to catch up on some sleep....

Soli Deo Gloria

in deep and trembling tones

I wrote a new song with the boys (being Joseph, Steven, Nathan and Holden) because they asked if I would work with them. So God is His kindness just sorta threw it together, and some repetitive things that have been stirring in my heart spilled out into this song. It is understanding that knowing God and His love isn't the whole picture. To see, from the narrative standpoint, the fullness of His justice and wrath and what happened on the cross, we begin to understand God more, and to know what will happen to those who aren't going to be saved. We fear God rightly. We love God responsively. We resolve that agreeing with and believing the hard things of God just as much as the easy things, is what we must do as Christians.

Additionally, I wanted a song of praise to God. I was struck with the thought of: 'Once we get to a point of satisfaction in giving God praise, we've lost it, because we can never give God enough praise. That is why he created eternity and made us fit to live with him forever, to do just that.' Heavy handed heart.

I pray so much that people engage and worship their Creator. I pray so much that I do the same. Seeing a church full of people who don't want to worship makes me think they aren't excited for Heaven, and they aren't on track with loving God how they ought to.

Below are the lyrics - simple and repetitive for 7 minutes with huge musical builds. We are going to play it this weekend for the Church. Soli Deo Gloria.

Your Love

Your love, your love, your love, brings me life
Your love, your love, your love, makes all things right
Your love, your love, your love, is all I need
Your love, your love, your love, has made me free

Your justice and wrath are right
In Your perfect ways
But equally powerful
Is Your love and grace
How great is Your name, Yahweh
The angels rejoice
In secret You meet me with
A still small voice

©Blackmatchstick Publishing, Hayden Henderson, ASCAP June 3, 2011

blessing/curse

well crap.
my phone broke, and I don't have another.
it's weird to go all day without that mini-machine of communication,
and freaky to drive with no way of calling if I break down (mechanically or emotionally)

and I feel super naked not having it in my pocket always...bizzar feeling for sure!
I've even had phantom vibrate on my leg today...it felt like I got a few texts...but nope.

I guess I can concentrate my time on other things though..until I get a new phone.
Communication will break down and this will probably be difficult for a while.
Verizon has stopped working for me, at this point. They promised they wouldn't.
Guess companies lie and break my heart.
Should have stuck with rotary dial...

reading up, listening to and studying over biblical mandates for man and woman's participation and subsequently their roles has been incredibly beneficial to me. lots of good resources, lots of good materials, I am furthermore encouraged to exhort and lift up my sisters, as well as sustain and serve my brothers. this is something of a side journey from my current study, but something of long term worth for me.

also to note: Proverbs 31:10 says,
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.


and what I find wonderful about that verse, is the word "excellent". You see, in the Hebrew that word means "powerful" or "of ability". A strong, warrior-like wife! That's incredible to me. I feel like too often, and quite against biblical standards, the church underscores and under appreciates the ministries that my sisters serve in. As Christians, as a dude, I ought to serve with and view my sister in Christ as a warrior and a precious daughter of God. To protect her and love her, and lift her up. This is also a requirement, the powerful Proverb's woman, for whomever I will marry! I will post more later, but this is a good start for notes.

Soli Deo Gloria

poor Joseph cut open his toe the other day
at least we won the frisbee match though

several songs have made their way out of me
which God put in there anyway

my work place is a proverbial time bank
where i trade my time for their money
and it's a lower conversion rate because of the economy

i got to hang out with the Deols tonight
before they move to California
but they are not gone from our lives
because they are dear to me, and us

band practice, outreach meeting, brother's graduation, first day of business class, bachelor party, play at church, introduce a new song, lots of laundry, pack for the wedding, pick up tux, drive to denver with Zach, wedding, drinks, party, tears and toasts, six flags with the family, drive back to Utah, first show playing with Kingston again, saying goodbye to slowing down. this is a full life. this is a great life. this is the next two weeks, finishing up this one.

but the Lord is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.
He sustains me and is in reality all I need. (I just have some wants that would be nice to have...)

What a week. And when I thought about it, nothing other than the direction of God could make it a week.

You see, the rotation of the earth makes a 24 hour period, roughly.
The rotation of the moon determines the seasons, and inherently the weather too.
And the position around the sun determines the year.

But nothing, other than the majesty of God's literal 6 day creation, with the 7th mandated for rest, makes up a week.

That was pretty mind blowing to me. Seeing how every person is without excuse, because of the calendar...which also makes me laugh that there wouldn't be atheists if there weren't a God.

====>

Anyway.
Work has been pretty rough lately, mentally. I feel under appreciated at times. It's good to be with Mike though. He balances me out to know that I have a good, loyal brother working with me all day. I just want to make more money, and buy a house. It's really trying on my patience, but I certainly don't feel entitled to anything. And after all the crap happens and I leave work every day, I draw out a deep sigh and thank God for his provision.

This week I start back up in the gauntlet known as school. This will be painful, I think. Working full time, plus two classes. It's a necessary evil, but I need to finish strong. This shouldn't be a problem, except that SLCC has messed up my loans yet again, so now this is going to be out of pocket. I know it would be amazing if I didn't have to work and could just bust out school in two years and get my bachelors degree. I would sail, soar and be the best student you ever saw...but then I pinch myself to wake up from daydreaming about walking from class to class at the U, and good study time with Sigur Ros or Band of Horses playing on my iPod. That wont happen, unless $100,000 falls into my lap. Because at that point, I might as well get an MBA.

(This is a paradox, I see. I want to work hard, make money and buy a house. I also want to not work, go to school full time [like 20 CH] and get it done with. But more importantly is my relationship with Christ, ministry and discipling others. And last time I checked, yup, I still want to get married and have babies and plant a church one day. Well...shoot.)

God directs, I have to listen more intently.

and it's so hard to see you clearly

if there were a symposium of heartcitechure,
which is the structure and process of the heart,
so that they might discuss the important issues everyone overlooks, like:
its beating
feeling
reasoning
irrationality
wickedness
and life giving functionality
I would like to sign up.


please subscribe me to anything that indicates the direction of God's will, understanding circumstances, relational application, freedom from the poverty of heart-ache, rise above the bed-ridden state of lovesickness, and how to lose 20lbs in 10 days.

I would love to know all of it.

Unfortunately, it takes a lifetime for most of it to come to some gleaning of an understanding in those areas, and the rest of one's life to maintain it.

I am reminded, encouraged, and seriously convicted by the verse in 2 Timothy chapter 2 that says:

If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.

Whenever I freak out, want to validate my flesh, want to seek entitlement, I realize quickly that I am not being faithful to God, His timing nor His blessing on my life at that moment. I am super faithless, a ton. It sucks. I would like to think of myself as some well-to-do Christian who has things figured out and lives as a role-model to others, yet, I suck at life as much as the person who has just come into saving relationship with Christ. Essentially, I feel that when I freak out over life, I've not really grown much. When I freak out, it's as though I tell God that what He has given me is not enough. And I realize even more so that I'm not being a good steward with the things He has provided. Tough lessons to learn, and come to terms with. I still struggle with it, even today. Like scraping up your knees after a hard fall on the asphalt. Lots of prayer still. Lots of venting. Lots of time with God that I desperately need.

It has been a tough week, and I have a ton to think through, pray about and process over. Thank you Jesus for being unbelievably kind, gracious and patient with me. Soli Deo Gloria.

"...I'm nothing on my own, and I love you, please come home..." - A Message by Coldplay