It always feels great to come home to such great friends, to have a good time enjoying each others company and laughing. I'm really tired and have been all day, but it's good to push myself out of wanting to do nothing, and be around people who are my life.

I feel more refreshed than I would if I just stayed home and slept.

Thank you Jesus for conquering death, resurrection, ascension, interceding and changing all of us. The church is truly a gift of closeness, friendship, and encouragement. I needed to feel home, and I am glad for the many wonderful things God has blessed in my life.

Here's to life, amazing friends, a great new season, warm weather, springtime and rain, future glory, and living before the face of God daily. Soli Deo Gloria

Good Friday

Im writing this at 3:05 in the morning. I've been awake for literally 24 hours. At some point a while ago, I added a time zone clock to my iPhone docket for Jerusalem. And today (technically yesterday) I kept looking at the time difference. I kept thinking about what Jesus did for me many years ago. A lot of emotions ran through my mind. And I certainly kept thinking about how I've not wanted to trust God in areas of my life - and how foolish, proud, arrogant, and terrible of me to have to audacity to tell God what's best for me. I still struggle and find myself discontent. Then I considered the many things he is doing in my life, and working on me, and showing patience towards me; I'm limited by time, you know.

And it's perfectly clear, though I'm tired and head is foggy: On this Good Friday, a dark and saddened day as my sins nailed my Lord to a cross by his willful and loving submission to the Father, He gave his suffering, his pain, took on the wrath I deserved and for my atonement, he made it clear that he loves me now and forever. That's what matters. So on my minuscule dark and saddened days, I can submit to the Father and trust that Jesus will make uncertain things clear. I look forward to this day:

Revelation 21:5 And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." 6 And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son."

What astonishing truth to hold on to, and it is bringing me to terms with the here a now - resolution is God's deal in the final analysis. Soli Deo Gloria.

How to avoid a broken heart.

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change.

It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.
The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

—C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

this or that, I can't do both

The dust has collected, and settled a thick coat of forgotten dreams. I haven't plugged in my studio monitors. I haven't opened my sketchbook. There are half-read books stacked 5 or 23 high which all coincidentally have consumed my bookmarks, so I've resorted to using receipts and mail in catalogue post card offers. (The perforated kind that you rip out of the middle of Rolling Stone, or GQ)

I have to still do my taxes. Maybe Uncle Sam will send me more money again, if he's not dead yet, or if they printed more for me to have. I swear I had other things to do, but I guess not, so I'll do my taxes.

It feels good to have my credit cards all zeroed, and most of them cut up. In speaking with Tony on the ventures of purchasing a home, he made the suggestion that, provided I can be diligent and scheduled, to pay all my bills and utilities on a credit card when I buy a house, then pay it off when the second month's check comes in. He said it is more manageable to have auto-pay, and get free miles or cash back just from paying bills. But he stressed that I have to be militant if I go that route.

I'm starting to think about things I never have before. Spending a good chunk of time on house work, cleaning and cooking, yard tending (especially for the garden I want), and I'll have to really develop better organizational skills. I'm also looking at properties with 5-10 years in mind. How will this work and suit a wife? Who can live with me until then? Am I going to be able to play my piano at 2 in the morning when that thing happens in my chest and strikes of fire and watery eyes overtake me? I certainly don't want to wake my future neighbors...

But in looking over these otherwise forgotten hobbies and occupations I set before myself, I realized that in this next period and transitioning into it, having my own space will really cut out the excess. Not that I'm dictated by change, but that I am determined to make my punches count harder; taking the time to do what I really want to do.

I'm merely twenty-four years old, and setting sights on establishment. It's wild to think about. Dad says to take it slow and make careful decisions. He says he's proud of me, and that feels good. Mom wants me to make sure they have a key, and I have them over for dinner. Of course, but it's funny how she thinks about that stuff and it's all still so preliminary. Mom says that I need to get a place that says "me", and also to get in the habit of not leaving my underwear on the bathroom floor. I guess that may be awkward during small group...

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Today, I am in the middle of so many things great, and giant, and beyond me, but I stop.
I am immensely grateful for each precious gift that God has given me.

Too often do I look at what I don't have, or feeling alone, and I offensively neglect Jesus and how much he's even changed me, let alone provided for me.

Thank you Lord, for you are kind, lovely, good, wonderful, generous, and provisional.
Amen.

plans

It's been so tough finding a house that's even worth visiting. I can feel the hard work and discouragement of a modest start as a first time buyer. Yet, I remain hopeful. The good ones go quick and are worth a lot. Even beyond homes.


I don't require much, but there are a few things I'm looking for.

I would love to have a good yard for a garden and a nice shed to work in.
A big kitchen to entertain and make meals for all my friends. (And a gas stove...so legit)
A big front room or family room for hosting study groups/small groups/house church.
And I would love a spare bedroom or den room for a study for all my books.

Other than that, extra stuff is icing on the cake.
But it's so hard - I am looking persistently and waiting for God to lead me.

Soli Deo Gloria

Proverbs 11:25

Whoever brings blessing will be enriched,
and one who waters will himself be watered.

I thought about this verse a lot over the past few months. It's been hard to get into the rhythm of working, traveling, long days where I'm usually not home until 11 or midnight because of work and ministry. And it doesn't help that I live 35 minutes from any direction I need to go; which will change once I find a house and move in the coming months. I think about how it's good to be tired with what God gives me, but I also need to rest in the times God gives me. And I need to find nourishment in the sparing hours in the morning when I could get up earlier, and read more, and have a better quiet time rather than being all over the map and getting an extra hour of sleep.

But back to this rhythm idea - I'm finding that I miss out on being refreshed by others. In the minutia of hectic scheduling, it hardly works out to do the things I want to do by way of the things that get put in front of me take up all of said time. However, I still try to make an attempt at blessing others. I still see the virtue in making sure my brothers, my friends, those who will labor for the Kingdom with me long term, are taken care of. And taken care of well. Being tired often lends itself to settling short. Taking the first exit, if you will. Doing just the bare minimum to get by.

My heart is: If I'm already there, I may as well go all the way.

And insert that idea into whatever spectrum of life. It's a good principle to give my best, I think.

That's why I'm carefully deciding which house to buy.

That's why I'm selective of who I let in my heart.

That's why I don't have a problem saying "no" anymore.

I want to carefully count the cost before I build a tower, so that later I'm not in shame and ruin because I took on too much.

There's a lot before me, and I'll spare you the laundry list, but I have to keep perspective here. More than just moving out and moving on, I have to maintain that God can do whatever he pleases, and check always that my heart is inclined to his will, and set myself up for future things.

And last night was wonderful as the first time in a long time I've had a grip of brothers over for drinks, and a most healthy and encouraging discussion - and really strong honesty. I'm greatly refreshed this morning as I write this, considering the many blessings that God has graciously given me, even in just the area of camaraderie.

That verse in Proverbs speaks to one of the pillar themes of my life that I aim to honor God with. Bless others, give because God gave me so much and still does. Stewardship is what makes a man, or breaks a man, and I try to keep that in my heart. I am reminded of this mostly by what Jesus says in Luke 12:

47 And that servant who knew his master's will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating. 48 But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

It is imperative that in order to be a good steward, a faithful and obedient son, is to FIRST be ready and act according to God's will, and to know how to act/live, and to know the will of the Master.

It's an exciting, open road, and God is close and does refresh me, even when I'm tired.
Soli Deo Gloria

these are my twisted words, pt. 2

You won't even understand. That's why I'm me, and you're always a day late, a dollar short, miles away, and probably will always be a mirage in the distance, or cold in my shadow, because I hate paying attention.

There are many things that I want, but I don't know when it'll break. I don't know what will give way. Fall in line, do what you're told. Eat the bread of socialists. Poison in the well that drags everyone to hell, because history repeats itself, and history is rewritten by those in power, and those in power never want history to be exactly what it seems.

I think to myself, "God, she is so beautiful. How come I don't know her?" And he says, nothing for now. At least on that subject. So, she stays behind a window, and we never speak. The end.

We are meant to struggle, and suffering is part of it. There would be no point in going to see a film if there were no drama, or tension. If we met George in scene one, admired his hair and perfect life, it'd last about thirteen minutes, tops, and we'd all start to taste what is really in the popcorn butter and think, "This is really boring and superficial."

If there is no drama, no affair, or car wreck, or temptation, we have arrived at a less than ideal utopia. If this world was meant to be great, or even good, we'd have no reason to want or need faith, or be in Heaven.

And by the way, you can't undo it. Nothing. It's all on tape. Intergalactic memory banks that has a levy that never breaks. FLOOOOOOOOD storming with everything I've done, and all the staircases I've avoided.

And like a flood, it will go up in flames.

In God's electing love, I am deeply humbled by the profound and relentless pursuit of Jesus to make me live, give me the Holy Spirit, and create a new heart in me from the wretched sin and death that encompassed my heart.

Reading about Jesus calling his disciples and how he knows their hearts, and executing his sovereign plan, is a tremendous comfort, a humbling insight, and refreshing reminder that I am his, bought with a price, and totally incapable of anything good apart from him.

It's something you should meditate on, knowing the weight and power of God in your life.

Today I listened to Hot Fuss, and it brought me back to yesteryears.
Carefree - a thrust of exhilaration that I used to get when it was overcast and bright outside.
I am reminded at how my life is but a breath, and it's wild to see how quickly these years have gone.
I mean, for crying out loud, that record came out 9 years ago!
Hard lessons in learning to live in the moment - or not to be apathetic.
Taking initiative, being assertive, putting things on the Amex...it's a different ball game now.

There are some things I miss, sure - but I'm shaking the dust off my feet. But I still love the Killers.

We wrote a new song last night, and I must confess, I feel that it is the beginning of something incredible in my heart. I was in shock, I didn't know how this was happening, but it was a moment I was in - it was bliss. Nothing else was on my mind, nothing distracted me. God is working things out, and I'm sorting through what's left of the tangles. I feel like I was immobile with my hands in my pockets because I didn't know what to do next, I was waiting for nothing.

I'm thankful, and I don't know what to wait for, so I won't - I'll keep moving.

"We're all the same, and love is blind." - Change Your Mind

focus

I don't know if you've noticed this, but there are movies with introspective scenes at night, usually after something heavy, sad, or reflective in the story development happens, during the drive home when lights are blurring in and out, and your eyes are blackened except for passing underneath a street lamp showing the yellow reflection, and then silence engulfs the soul.

That was my drive home. The back highway is incredible. Mountain View Corridor trails the side of the valley, but you can see everything, and big dark sky with shimmering galaxies above. The soft hum of road and tire - no music, just decompressing. It's been quite the relay of events, prepping, events, prepping, working, writing, working, talking, meetings, no time to think. No sabbath - I've sinned. A ringing in my ears reminds me that I haven't had enough water to drink and an ibuprofen isn't going to be enough.

Sleep, please, yes. Tomorrow, Friday, walk through some homes, just get me to some day where I can rest my head. God has gifted me with some new music to listen to - something that I needed to hear, I'm convinced of it. Rarely are there times where I feel anything in my heart that moves me. And when it does, I don't expect it, and I stop and I really take it in and cherish it. Because the more I grow old, the more I fear this feeling becomes a novelty.

The stage is setting for something bigger, I think. Lights and curtain?

I don't know why, but it makes me so sad.

My parents just bought a new television, and I don't know why, but it makes me so sad.

The house is empty, except for me and the dogs, and one cat.

I'm supposed to be ok, and keep working in my corner office, and be creative.

This isn't proper, I don't think. None of this unfolded like we were supposed to grow up into.

I'm finalizing my talk for house church, and I keep coming back to this Paralytic.

I keep realizing that this is all of us. This kingdom is built up with redemption and healing in Paralytics running for bread.

Basic stuff, but it's so hard. It's essentially bedrock, so of course it's hard. Just looking at it, knowing what I've gone through, really takes some shells off my pupils. I'll try not to be cathartic, but there is so much powerful stuff that ol' Dr. Luke spills out here.

I'm not trying to be anyone, God is just working a lot of kinks out that I let wind up. Like pulling the hose to water the lawn, or garden, and the flow gets bogged down. You can wait, or walk back and fix the pinch.

But I feel like things are fading in this chapter of my life. I don't know what's on the bend other than my lofty goals. I'll start over, even with rusty pots and pans, an acoustic guitar, and wipe off the dust from neglected bookshelves.

God is really showing me how to be content, and sometimes I don't want to look.
But I listen, still.

bloodhound

The thrill of the chase, the trail is cold.

I'm having a hard time feeling anything.

Which is ok, since I'm just trying to focus, and use my time.

There won't be anything left, when all is fallen and ashes.

Southern Hospitality will still remain even when there's nothing to give.

Lights will flicker, but never go out.

There will not be days when we bury our dead in the church yard.

I mean, this is big picture stuff. I'm talking about the whole thing coming up into some kind of climax, and bottlenecking. I'm not running for the promotion of division - I'm just going to share the truth and love people, and that will expose the division. I'm completely reasonable, and yet, I have a feeling that those of us with level heads will get pinned as extreme and unruly. This world will only get worse, sad to say, but there is beauty in the breaking too. Rome didn't fall in a day.

I stare at really intricate paintings, and I wonder about the scene, and I wonder what happens outside the view of the canvas and framing - if paint never ran out. If it could go on, and I could see. I always wondered that. I always wanted to enter in a sunset and swim in the clouds and burning atmosphere.

I'm wondering where I am.

march on

You have to know, it's so damn lonely.

I'm stuck in-between angst, success, sadness and distance from home. I'm laying in a bed that's not my own, and it's hard to believe there's anything beyond this. It's hard to believe that one night I'll roll over to that gorgeous face - that shapeless face whom doesn't know my love, when I can feel my heart lift with flight and quickness of strange happiness. But she will be the absolute best; I remain hopeful.

I'm not going to try and change her. I won't, I just want God to bring me to that place, before I come totally undone.

I'd take up smoking again, if I wasn't so keen on running. Especially if I didn't just get new Nike gear and shoes, or taking future hikes in the New Mexico desert. I won't tread on Indian land, I won't go where I'm not welcome. I just want a symphony to swell behind me, and I want to feel things again.

I see so many people looking for love. I see so many people wanting to belong. I feel like God has me through this perpetual ringer, and maybe it's because of the calling I feel on my life? Maybe it's because of intuition, or discernment. I see blonde women, dolled up, fake boobs, Love Spell by Victoria's Secret permeating off her wrists...and she's looking to find the rest of her life, but the wrong way. I see bro's all stoked about college basketball, drinking like there's no Lent, high on life and hoping to hook up so there's a little lass on their arm by the time they leave the bar. I see the old couple, sitting there, grey and small. They have NOTHING to say. And it's not that silence that is comfortable. They are going through the social cues, but have no interest in talking about anything other than the small talk that comes up on CNN playing on the third plasma TV behind the bar. You can't even hear it, but they seem make conversation off the scrolling ticker, or weather, or stocks. Pathetic.

It's sadness, and madness, but glossed over with neon lights and liquor.

Like I said, I'd take up smoking if I didn't love running so much. But I hope you can see why, exactly.

And these days roll on, without care of me taking notice. I woke up and thought, "What exactly do I have in mind?" And I realized that I'm further from home than just a plane ride and 45 minute car drive from work to my parent's house.

I'm further than prospectively buying a house. Even then, I'm still so far from home. My heart hurts, so heavy, so much distaste for a hurst, or Medicare, or seeing how this nation will perpetually fall apart. So  many people need Jesus, so many people will still deny him to his face. I still know the weight and hurt of my sin, and I still can't believe Jesus loves me, but he does.

It makes me want to read Hard to Believe by MacArthur again. That book ripped me apart.


I think that's what I need, I think I need some good time just being kicked around by the Holy Spirit, for means of conviction and sanctification. I need some renewal. I get that it happens daily in some form, but, I want to seek God in that way, because I'm still so far from home, and so damn lonely.