this or that, I can't do both

The dust has collected, and settled a thick coat of forgotten dreams. I haven't plugged in my studio monitors. I haven't opened my sketchbook. There are half-read books stacked 5 or 23 high which all coincidentally have consumed my bookmarks, so I've resorted to using receipts and mail in catalogue post card offers. (The perforated kind that you rip out of the middle of Rolling Stone, or GQ)

I have to still do my taxes. Maybe Uncle Sam will send me more money again, if he's not dead yet, or if they printed more for me to have. I swear I had other things to do, but I guess not, so I'll do my taxes.

It feels good to have my credit cards all zeroed, and most of them cut up. In speaking with Tony on the ventures of purchasing a home, he made the suggestion that, provided I can be diligent and scheduled, to pay all my bills and utilities on a credit card when I buy a house, then pay it off when the second month's check comes in. He said it is more manageable to have auto-pay, and get free miles or cash back just from paying bills. But he stressed that I have to be militant if I go that route.

I'm starting to think about things I never have before. Spending a good chunk of time on house work, cleaning and cooking, yard tending (especially for the garden I want), and I'll have to really develop better organizational skills. I'm also looking at properties with 5-10 years in mind. How will this work and suit a wife? Who can live with me until then? Am I going to be able to play my piano at 2 in the morning when that thing happens in my chest and strikes of fire and watery eyes overtake me? I certainly don't want to wake my future neighbors...

But in looking over these otherwise forgotten hobbies and occupations I set before myself, I realized that in this next period and transitioning into it, having my own space will really cut out the excess. Not that I'm dictated by change, but that I am determined to make my punches count harder; taking the time to do what I really want to do.

I'm merely twenty-four years old, and setting sights on establishment. It's wild to think about. Dad says to take it slow and make careful decisions. He says he's proud of me, and that feels good. Mom wants me to make sure they have a key, and I have them over for dinner. Of course, but it's funny how she thinks about that stuff and it's all still so preliminary. Mom says that I need to get a place that says "me", and also to get in the habit of not leaving my underwear on the bathroom floor. I guess that may be awkward during small group...

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.