in the moment

walking with my eyes open, yet I can't see anything.

I feel so distraught. I don't know why. Something has come over me.

Lies, distraction. It's false. I don't feel right. I'm looking, and listening intently.

I feel sick. I've lost my head. Jesus, I need you now more than ever.

I feel like Paul in Romans 7. I do things I ought not do, and I don't do things I want to do. It is natural sin, being born in this wicked world that fights for me, but I feel like this fog has set in.

Jesus instantly healed by word and touch. There was no process. He immediately showed the work of God.

I long for the days of heaven. For standing before my God, in awe and worship.

this is what's on my mind... eh 

do what you want

I've come to a point that many don't reach. The part to which the only thing that matters is that I die to myself. That no matter this outcome, whether it be months, years, or rotating Thursdays, I'm ok with these conclusions.

Probably the way nomads feel. Only keeping the shirt on your back, and moving forward. Probably the way the amish feel, disconnected from the modern lexicon of humanity. Like I've stood over the edge of this cliff for years, holding so many things in my hands. Dirty, pretty things. And I've just opened my fingers, and twisted my wrists.

I realized this when I noticed I can't see anything anymore. Physically and mentally. Nothing is clear, and I keep trying to figure out what will happen week by week. It just gives me heartburn, and blurred vision past 10 feet.

Jimmy Eat World never fails to bring my heart to collect itself, after the music from Stay On My Side Tonight tears me to pieces. Then as if a mist rises, and the light shimmers off my pupils, I see what I need to do next, and not fret about what I'm not to do, or who I'm not to be with, or where I'm not to go.

I'm gonna do a few things different.

"Hanging on a cigarette, you need me, you'll burn me..."

interlude

it's a headache
a heartbreak
something wrong I can't shake

and this keeps going
seeds I don't want sowing
and things I know, I keep denying
for fear of losing, despite my trying

it's a nightmare, a reality check
my eyes are shut, and i'm scared what's next
four walls close in, but the room stays the same
my mind is a cage, and this flesh is enslaved

sin be gone, sin be gone
i feel it right, and know it's wrong
darkness flee, darkness flee
leave my life, and let me be
devils run, devils run
the truth I wield, hope in the Son
flesh now die, flesh now die
soon enough, I'll leave and fly

and this paradox in which I exist
keeps me fighting to fight off a fix

but alas, I've found a resting place
to hide my tears and clean my face
for joy and bliss to fill my heart
in the word of my God, a brand new start.

"I took my love down to violet hill. There we sat in the snow. All this time she was silent still, so if you love me, wont you let me know?" -Violet Hill, by Coldplay

Romans 1:16, 17

I am going to bring up a few verses before I start my thought:


Jeremiah 13:23 Can an Ethiopian change the color of his skin? Can a leopard take away its spots? Neither can you start doing good, for you have always done evil.

Isaiah 64:6 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Romans 2:4 Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?


John 15:5 Jesus said  "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned...16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last."


Faith in Christ comes from regeneration by the Holy Spirit. Nothing we do on our own will ever be sufficient for relationship with Jesus. God is the one who draws people to himself. If it were left up to me to properly share the gospel, verbatim with every person I encounter, then people's salvation and relationship with Christ is not only contingent, but supremely dependent on my every word. This means that their understanding of their sin, God's holiness, Jesus' sacrifice, death, and resurrection hangs off of everything I say. And if I mess up, people go to hell on account of me. That limit's God's sovereign power, because it puts me in place of the judge, to either admit or condemn someone based on what I say.


Thank the Lord this is not the case. This means that it is the Holy Spirit that does a work in the person. That means that seeds will be planted, and harvests will be ready for the reaping. That means that God draws those to himself he desires to save. This also means that I cannot perceive, personify or criticize God for his character, his standard or his choices. I only have to be faithful with preaching the word (2 Tim 4:2). I need to obey Christ's command in Matthew 28, to "make disciples of all nations." To remain faithful as a steward and a servant.


Scripture is beautifully clear as to the full work and effect salvation by the work of God.


Romans 1:16 states, "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. 17 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, "The righteous shall live by faith."

We see here that in the gospel, which is the power of God to save those who will believe, is the encapsulation of God's righteousness. If "the righteous shall live by faith" is true, that means those who believe, those who receive salvation must be righteous. The dichotomy we then face is that, among other verses in scripture, Jeremiah 13 and Isaiah 64 clearly state that we have always been evil, as a result of sin, and our self righteousness, imparted by our wickedness, are viewed as filthy rags. (Or in the Hebrew, the word "filthy" means: used, bloody menstrual rags). That sucks for us! The question stands, what is it that remains for us to possibly do at this juncture for any hope of redemption? The answer: nothing. Which to those who are hopeless or uncertain about their faith is the most terrible thing to ever hear. But it is quite the contrary, it is wonderful and beautiful.

It means that I'm a sinner. It means that because of my tainted and perverse nature, anything I do is in retrospect tainted and perverse. But if a holy, loving, perfect and compassionately just God is the one who does the saving, the one who imparts salvation, then it is the transforming life to a wicked, tainted and perverted sinner.

This is how sweet it is:

Ephesians 2: 8For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ¹⁰ For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

and

1 Peter 1:23 you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God;

There's so much more in these verses for unpacking, but I don't have the time right now to continue. God is good and I thank him for the gift of salvation that he has given to an ill-deserving person like myself, that has regenerated and still continues to transform, abide and grow in me, bringing life to the fullest to ultimately glorify God with every inch of my being. I encourage you to look into these verses more, and ask God to reveal himself to you in his word. Amen. Soli Deo Gloria

clutter and the doorman

today we had accountability group. it was the first one where we all could meet in quite a few weeks. needless to say, it was overdue, much needed, and among other things, refreshing.

Jess said something that was quite poignant, and echoed in my heart. He said that we need to essentially de-clutter our hearts and lives. We need to ask God to clear things up internally, and seek some form of clear footing. And that was the bullseye for me. That hit it. I mean, this whole time my eyes have been elsewhere. Not to say I'm not seeking after God, closer relationship with Jesus or I've missed the mark in other areas, but that I have had prospects in my queue at close range that I've irrationally kept my sights on.

A lot has changed for me. In me. Around me. For and against me. And my car still sucks.

And in the same breath, a lot hasn't. Namely, the said irrational things I keep looking to. Years pass, and I feel like there are these three things always simmering on the back burner. When I look at them in frustration, I want to just throw them out. Out of sight, out of mind, right? All these things will do is just create a lull boil in my mind, because familiarity breeds contempt.

Then I exhale, and breathe in again. And I look at the same things with logic, wisdom and loads of council. What do I see? Things God kept in my heart to refine me, continually. It's like there's a waiting room to my heart, and there's a one way mirror that I can see in this room. And no matter what I say, do, or try, these things will never see past the reflection. God is the gate keeper, the doorman, the one who allows admittance and tells other things no. These things are intangible, prospective, transitional, provisional, and most of all, love. These things can be clutter if all I do is look at them, forsake everything else to become idle and complain about why these pieces aren't in my puzzle.

I've got to look away. I need to allow God to be my doorman. And he'll weed out what needs to go away. Toss it out with the trash.

This is the importance of knowing and trusting God and his sovereign will. Also, the importance of community and closeness with brothers. Keeping accountability. Keeping God the focus! That's all. Amen.

perfect pink lips

there are so many things that can't be chance. so many things plotted out, and designed with care.

what's the point of finger nails, specifically where they're located?
how are lips so luscious and pink?
rows of teeth needed for everything.
the great mystery of how a man loves a woman, and everything that ensues.

I woke up from a really terrible dream, and I immediately thought of all the things right in my life.
So much awful that goes on to even spare a moment to consider them.

The chorus comes in, ringing with anthems of joy, passing sorrows, and love love love.

God is really perfectly good to me. Brings tears to my eyes.

sociolographical

it's what happens when too many people gather in too small of a place, and each person feels the need to involve themselves with everyone else in this encased space.

that's the word, and the definition I made up for tonight.
It was certainly fun, but I get a lot of anxiety when there's a lot of noise and people.
I feel crowded and an urge to make sure people don't forget that I'm drowning amongst conversation.

my heart is self serving and awkward lately. it is gross.

My escape is music. But I'm letting go to that part in my heart. I need to be more structured. I need to make room to be a good husband. And I need to stop thinking and let God just have his way without me mucking things up. I have a fantastic family, I love every single one of them. Good times, ironically. ha

beautiful transcendence

From dregs to royalty, from ashes to majesty, in the blink of an eye, and a flash of wonder, we are caught up. So swiftly, so perfectly, everything that went wrong and stayed wrong with us vanished. Our shoes, glasses, pants, cavity fillings, pace makers and wrist watches fell to the ground. The lovers holding hands on the park bench under the autumn leaves, the boy riding his bicycle home, the girl and her mother in the supermarket, all gone, just like that. A shrill of static and excitement fly through the air. This marks the genesis to an ending of totality, paving the way for all things new.

Onlookers gaze in shock as the world they once knew it is forever changed, and swiftly dying. At first, nothing dwells in the hearts of men, that are so easily captivated by the mundaneness of routine, but then panic and dread fill their eyes. The king they have so desperately sought after to bring peace and oneness to the nations will rise up, giving them a mark to assure them of equality. What they don't see is this is not the King. These will become volatile and troublesome times. A new era of surveillance and population control has begun. A system of credit and submission. A world of complete depravity. And the worst of it, no one is left to give them hope, or good news of redemption for the next three and a half years. Altogether, the world is left all alone.

These are the things to come. These are the events to take place after I've gone. I will not die, I will be caught up in love. My Jesus will bring me home. Soli Deo Gloria

green

filling up so furiously, I can't even imagine going on without you.
like an ocean of love, I am forgotten by all, from the sweeping of the current.
in the majesty of gazing on the crashing waves against the rocks, it freaks me out knowing that the urchins and coral claim their home amongst the calamity and unsettling inconsistency. who does that?

oh wait,
I do.

this morning, no sunrise. just an emerald sea that doesn't seem to end.

I live in this world, this world that keeps going on, even when my head has to participate in normalcy.
I think even C. S. Lewis may have lived here for a while, because I can really imagine most of the things he says.

No one has jobs, everyone is provided for, it's so vast and open, yet filled with so many histories, forests and perils that I can't even begin to know where to look. So I lie down, and close my eyes, and pick up where I left off.

I've lost my head