God is good

He is the strength of my heart
My portion forever
All I need

Radiohead has a song called All I Need, and every time I hear it, I think about Jesus.
It makes me so much crave rainy fall days, and a warm hand to hold.

I'll do sit ups, and create physique.
I'll paint pictures, and make a colorful world for you to live in.
Shedding of skin and pantone scales, falling off my eyes.
Different situations for the same consequence.
Why eat eggs, and not have chicken? Or vice versa.
We make up rules that we think we have to follow. That's religion, in essence.
Follow Jesus, he'll take my heart. It's so very wicked at times.
He can deal with it.

I am so joyful right now though, as I write this.
I think about all the sweet things that are going on!
My life is so busy and chaotic, but I function so well under pressure.
I feel challenged with time, mostly. Like I have to figure out time.
Like, I need to bake cookies, but help someone out, and be somewhere, all within 3 hours.

But I'm so comfortable. I wonder if that hinders me from being as effective for the gospel. I keep thinking about these things. And the things I want to help me ideally share the gospel are of material worth...if that makes sense?  Like a two thousand dollar keyboard to keep playing music. A new car that is safe to drive and not broken. And a few other things, but it's all material.  I want to be excellent in my offerings and service to God, and his people, but I don't want to get caught up in the needs of certain things. It's all confusing right now, but I know it'll work out.

What is see is that America needs Jesus, more than Discover Card, more than Audi, more than NFL or Pepsi, more than sex, more than hair cuts and Diesel Jeans, more than Calvin Klein and Slurpees, more than Flat Screen HD or Nike, more than Fruit by the Foot, more than family reunions or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. We consume everything but Jesus. That sucks. And then I think about this verse:

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NIV)

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

 How wild is that? God has set eternity in men's hearts. Humans are obviously created, in our souls, for eternity. Where that is spent is entirely contingent upon their relationship with Jesus. They're either repentant, saved and regenerate, or depraved, evil and sinful.  And since eternity is in mankind's hearts, and when they don't know Jesus, they try and fill their hearts with finite things. Only something or someone eternal can fill up eternity in the hearts of men. That is clearly and beautifully Jesus.

He's orchestrating all these things, and I'm figuring it out as I go along. Setting my sights to him. Adjusting and reworking my plan to his will. And right now, I'm tired, but overjoyed! God is good. Amen.

perfect skies, ten thousand dollars and heartburn

well, I feel like I've just woken up from the last five years.  I look at the people in my life, and I'm utterly freaked out at the changes I've missed.  You see, when you're supremely close to something, whether that be proximity or emotional attachment, one tends to overlook the dramatic changes from longevity in exchange for the short sighted glances.

What I mean by that is; I look at my besties, and they've all changed a whole lot. For the good, too. I look at my barren bank account, looming debt from school and broken car and I think, "This will get a lot better...and I'm a privileged western civilized guy anyway, still richer than most." I look at the crappy job I have, 22 years old working for minimum wage, and yet I'm so very thankful for a job at all.  I read and edit the school papers I print off, and think of how unnecessary all this busy work is. My professors would have a more tactical way of producing assignments, but they stick to old methodologies and wasting paper.  I don't think I'm becoming an ubergreen hipster, I just want to be a good steward and do things better.

My sister is getting married, my brother is growing up and wants to move to Hollywood and pursue film. My dog is 12 and I don't want him to die. My parents are getting older, and it's weird to look at them and not remember who they were as I knew them young.  I've forgotten the sweet, innocent things.  Colors aren't as bright anymore, and moments are fleeting all the more. I used to live in every moment, but now I can't wait for next week to come, just so I can want to be in the next one.

I feel abandoned sometimes, and left to my shut door, windowless bedroom to be a hermit who reads a lot and sips on Crown Royal. Anyway, that's another exposition for another time, or not at all.

My five year plan, as I was talking with Nick the other day, involves a bullet list of a few items.
-Have attained my degree.
-On a career path; be established with it, or have a business started.
-Be completely out of debt and have money saved.
-At some point, be living independently again. (As much as I appreciate the hospitality and offerings of my parents allowing my return to home, this is far too comfortable for any sort of challenge, and familiarity breeds content.)

And Nick said something curious to me-something along the lines of, "You didn't even mention music in your plan." And I thought, well I guess not. Which at second glance was particularly odd to me, because it's such a prominent vein in my life. But I guess Josh has helped me become more of a pragmatist when planning things. Just thinking about it, I would not be able to, in good conscience, pursue something that had no guarantee of payoff. Music as a source of income is the most intangible aspect of my future. See, I told Nick that I will always play music, and always write, and always serve God and the church first with it, but that doesn't mean I have to be irrational. I know what I want. And I want to love and glorify God in every single area of my life; being a good steward, and loving husband/father for when that time comes. So to get to what I know I want, I stick with the plan. And everything else, music, will fall in between the pillars of certainty.

My caveat is that if God does have music as something of monetary value, then he'll make it painfully clear to me and open the right doors. Otherwise, I'm moving right along.

This does make me stressed though. I see the long term payoff, and positive repercussions, but for now, it's incredibly stressful. I get really bad heartburn, canker sores, and my eye does this weird twitchy thing when I get pent up. Weird...must be all the massive amounts of espresso and coffee I consume now.

I have a busy life, but it's good. I'm making more efforts to read my bible before school work, before commentaries, before facebook, or coldplay vinyls, before I go to work...etc. God has sustained me, and I need him more and more.  This is a new season coming up, it will be trying and arduous, but my heart is His.  Somedays I think I know everything, then the next, shattered thoughts of what was to be. It just makes me know how much I know nothing, but I need to keep going.

And I kinda like the old adage: "If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you, then it's yours." Because to me, it's not speaking of recklessness, or being passive. It's suggesting the sovereignty of God and his perfect will.  Because today, Hayden knows the girl he wants to be with, the job he wants to have, the house and kitchen set and furniture to make a home, but in an instant God could change all that, and my resolve is still set on him. None of those variables change my plan.  So with an open hand, my heart is unattached again.  And I want it to rain more, just a lot. That'd be nice.

three hours until I have to go to work...and my mind is completely elsewhere than sleep.

I don't even know why I'm still awake. My thoughts have broken the law
and today was incredibly lonely for the most parts between 7am and 5pm.

I thought about murder, and how to get away with it.
I thought about robbing a bank, or being a hit man.
I thought about filming all of it, and becoming this viral pseudo-lebrity.

They'd let that stuff fly on the news/youtube.
Every time I pull espresso shots at work, I think about expressing myself..somehow.
And most people still don't get me. which is understandable. i'm very incorrigible.

But I also get freaked out when I look at MMA fighters who are twenty
and Justin Beiber and his success
And the other people who are my age or less, that are a lot further along than me.

Did I go wrong? and if so, where? I should have had my degree by now, but I decided to be a partier.

I want a real job, and a loveofmylife style purposeful girl.
I want to see people meet Jesus, and share the gospel.
I want to not be afraid to invite people at the drive thru of Wendy's when they hand me my fruit punch with light ice.  And somehow write a song that's heartbreaking.

Ok, just kinda got tired. I feel a cough coming on... :-*(

the body

I had some curious thoughts earlier this week. They have a lot to do with observations I've made internally and externally. I guess these are some of them.

There are people who have Jesus in their lives, and there are those whose lives are all about Jesus.
There are those who go to church, then there are those who are the church. These people are also in our churches. This could be saddening, but it could also be an awakening. Certainly there are measures of an individual's growth and willingness for learning, but there also has to be a gracious extension to be willing to teach. This also means that you and I have to be ready. Actively "living it". Well prepared and versed in doctrine and theology; not necessarily subscribed to the faculty of diving deep into a particular subject, but to know truth and wield it shrewdly.  This verse comes to mind:

1 Timothy 4:7 Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. 8 For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

I can also see that meaningless things can take up room in conversation, and become a vice that causes doublespeak and circular talk.  That's annoying.

Another thought I had is that I don't want to be known what I'm against. Known for opposition, writhe and stirring up dissension among the body. My prayer is that in my studies, and dear brothers who are studying scripture and theology as well, that we don't favor a particular theologian, or pastor, or topic over that of the Bible, what it teaches and the doctrines originated in it. This grows a vein of pride and condescension. I want at all costs for this to be avoided. I don't want to see neo-pharisees in this uprising of the desire to know scripture. Ultimately it's with the purpose to know God, know his character and bring him glory.

Thirdly I learned with God's sovereignty, that I do not have any reason to freak out! Illogical assumptions, frightening prospects for the future, apathetic approaches to important areas of my life have no room if I'm to fully, firmly trust God.

Also, I drink a lot of coffee, but I love Starbucks more than beans and brews. I told my boss. I got a sneer, but I believe she still loves me a whole lot. My days start at 4:30 AM for work, then school/homework in the afternoons and then I have accountability, study group, practices, house church/small group, meeting with dudes. I don't know how it happens, but God is sustaining me. My life is full and satisfying, and I can't wait to see what God does next!

"You can't call yourself a Calvinist and keep freaking out over these things...it's kinda funny!"
-Josh Whitney

over two years down the same road
and it's been incredibly difficult, up until the last 6 weeks.
I keep seeking God, and I keep trying to...well, just gotta stay wise about everything.
Prayers and journals, blogs and songs
Ambitions, plans, shipwrecks and salvage
These are a few of my favorite things...

Today has been quiet. A very quiet birthday.
And even though scores of family and loved ones have wished me well,
it is nice to not have a big to do party. it's nice to not have all the eyes on me.
because my whole life that's what I've sought, attention.
that's what I feed on. but I feel like I'll be more quiet when it's appropriate.
and waiting for God's time is a huge grinder on my pride, so thank you God for that!

I'll keep praying, keep moving forward.
My sights are set, but when I get close, it could look different.
It could be just what my heart desires now though.

at the beginning of this trek, a thing started inside that hasn't stopped.
It's grown in spite of my want, my prodding and pursuing.
It's grown and regardless of my flesh, sin and attempts to get rid of it,
...
it has remained. So today I will smile more than ever.

My heart is joyed, the weather is lovely.
I feel satisfied in the beauty of life that God has given me.
And I thank Jesus for his love. Glory to God! Amen.

as if! ha, jk, lol, omg!

and even when it was still fresh in my mind,
things needed sorting. files, stacks, junk mail, and providence.

(kinda sarcastic in parts, expose of my mind-in a wonderful way?! maybe)

i just keep going, somehow. I can't foresee this going on for another four semesters, but I continue anyway. It will continue. Work, getting worked, homework, coffee, night caps, waiting yet moving forward, cell phone pictures, and (R) cards saying that Jesus Changes Lives...

I am writing the greatest music of my life right now. Got the greatest crew of brothers. Girls wooing over me in, at and from work-so tumultuous but aint no thang. School, classes, books, papers, to make paper, to get a degree and have money and bless people's lives. God's got a babe for me. Like I think she's totally hot and whatev, but like she's just waiting or something like that....as if I'm totes bummed. God totes has sovereignty, lmao, makes me laugh at how quickly I doubt. It's sad :-( ,,,,,,,

Today is good. Tomorrow will be the same. Gotta get on a few things.


Getting back in the habit of regular reading. My heart has opened up. I feel things. I feel right, and full in my soul. Really good talks lately with Paul Stoddard, Jesse, Tadd, Zach and Philip.

I have taken to smoking cigarettes again, only for the sake of conversation, and it feels nice.

Oh shoot, gotta run, forgot to shower! late

no regrets, just love

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."
-Winston Churchill 

I feel like a great big burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Like the fog has lifted. Like a mess of paper trails, uncertainty and fear all got sorted, placed and explained.

A sense of relief. And I know what I'm doing for once.
I kept qualifying different things based on status, and that was a big mistake.
I bought into a faux resolution of things that don't coincide with one another.

No tricks, now, just a straight road that I know will take me somewhere.  Sure there will be hick ups, road blocks and detours, but I'm still going forward. Moving on, but not forgetting-if that makes sense.

I will sleep peaceably more that I untied all these twisted knots.  Now the question is, what to do with all this string...