aftermath

There's quite a bit to process. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally spent.

I can't wait to hear all the sermons again, so I hope they're posted soon. Also, there were a ton of great seminars that I didn't get to experience that I'm additionally excited to listen to.

After hundreds of miles, pages of notes, hours of learning about God, hours of fellowship, tons of coffee and several rounds of chaotic Mafia, I'm just fried. In a good way. Not in the "Finals are this week" fried.

The one solid thing I know I can safely say that will greatly impact everything is: Am I being obedient to God? That question, it's implication and application, will unfold gradually over the next few weeks. But I'm certain my heart is crushed by that conviction-because I haven't been. I'm a slacker and I really genuinely want greater reform in my heart. I want to LOVE. I want to be FAITHFUL. I want a JESUS-CENTRIC heart. Utter shock and disarray, again in a good way, will take me a bit to figure this out.
Ok, great.

great day

I'm pretty encouraged, to say the least. Josh did a wonderful job with his sermon this morning, and he had some striking thoughts - unlike any way I've heard him speak before. I would imagine one's oratory skills are enhanced in front of larger crowds when one is confident on their presentation.

I also felt good about what I said during the seminar when I spoke. Mac had a lot of good thoughts and a good outline for men to follow, and he invited me up to speak. The following is the transcript of what I've prepared and shared during the seminar:

First, let me start off with some selected scriptures, which you most likely have heard before, but this is to set the frame for our thinking:

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous (wicked) way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting!

Matthew 28:19-20

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

1 Corinthians 9:24

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.

Hebrews 10:24-27

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries.

So what do those verses have to do with anything? Well, at the heart of it all, there lays an issue in ones depth of resolve for the gospel. Where does my eagerness line up in being a disciple, if it does at all? In my experience, these are the things I’ve learned implicationally with those verses.

A - Accountability is more than "confession hour". There will be no fruit or growth from gaining experience in wearing your heart on your sleeve to another brother. It's intentionally holding my brother accountable, and vice versa, to our convictions and God honoring conduct. It's easy to get comfortable and continue meeting out of routine, but if there is no proactive initiative to be held and hold my brother accountable, I've missed the mark. If you’re not even going to be honest, then don’t bother showing up because it’s a waste of time for everyone. Like 1 Cor 9, I must run the race that I might obtain the prize, and take this seriously- being held to the standard as clearly stated in Hebrews 10.

B - Accountability is Christ-like in its form. Throughout the gospels there are accounts of the multitudes that follow Jesus, the obvious twelve disciples called and chosen by Jesus, THEN, what I find cool is you see Jesus and the three disciples prominently appearing through the gospels; Peter, James and John. There was a closeness found in that inner circle, something that was life changing and refining allowing for those men to grow, be challenged and hear from the Lord.  They were huge leaders used in the development of the early church because of their collective lives yielded to the Lord. So how is my form, or molded life suited with regard to Jesus? Am I going to continue being the unknown drowned in the multitudes, or am forming my life like Psalm 139, begging God to search me out, take any wicked way from me and lead me to everlasting? There’s a huge contrast there, and surprisingly enough it’s easy to miss.

You see, everyone is called to full-time ministry; only some, like our pastors and church staff, get paid to do it.  And I feel a great misconception among men who don’t form their lives around Christ, is that they can coast by and not live how they ought to. Simply, they are the cowards who don't lead out in some way- staying under the radar by appearing fine on the outside. And I know that's brutal, but I've been grieved by "boys who can shave" that show up to church as if it were a social club, consume and do nothing proactive for the gospel.

Consider

1 Corinthians 3:12-15

12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.

That's the unaccountable person, the one who escapes through the flames.

But quickly back to that example contrasting the Multitudes to Peter, James and John are seen in the Church: Weekend congregation (big), house churches and small groups (med), accountability groups (small).  So in that respect, accountability is essential in it's fidelity for the serious Christian man. I feel that if I desire to be one after God's heart, I'll be a diligent student of the word, in honest prayer and seeking accountability, council and reproof from my brother(s). This is part of the resolve that I will model my life to be Christ-like, after Christ's own ministry.

C – Every part of me wants to always ask, “Am I glorifying God in this?” Whatever “this” is. That brings up a hard question, “Who am I really?” I’ve heard the adage said many times "Who you are when you're alone, is who you are." I am convinced that when I'm not taking action to be a LEGIT Christian man of godly character, it dramatically affects every part of my life. I struggled quite a bit with swearing and language, and a lot of it came about in my private life.  Soon I saw that I was slipping up in groups around dudes, then eventually around sisters. That’s not good, considering I call myself a Christian, and that I’m one of the worship leaders in front of an entire congregation. I became incredibly convicted, and by God’s grace and by way of accountability, that area of my life has dramatically improved. Obviously those who are saved are new creations in Christ, but maintaining accountability is vital to staying the course for years to leave a legacy of a gospel-centric, resolute life. Accountability is a major part of my life, which I can't do without. I know I'll fail left alone – because there’s the world, my flesh and the devil working against me, and it’ll effect me morally, spiritually, physically. There’s no such thing as a lone ranger Christian. SO, if who I am when I'm alone is God honoring, as a result of remaining transparent and accountable, then everything else will fall into place accordingly-honoring God. If not, it wrecks my life all over the place.

Just be intentional to have God be the center of your life and make you ready for his will. All this is to glorify my God. In my conclusion, be encouraged and think on the promise in Hebrews 12, of Christ as the “author and perfecter of our faith”. He’ll see you through ‘til he returns or calls you home.

Flipped

There's a film that I recently watched called, Flipped.

It's a film set in the sixties about growing up, a boy and a girl, and love. A good wholesome movie, painting a perfect picture of American beauty. And it really was very endearing to me, so much that I think how un-relatable it is to me for how perfect it made growing up seem. But the truth is, I find it to be most relatable. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know it is somehow. Just like how I hopelessly fell in love with Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. In the same way, that show had the same effect on me...and it's so unruly how it plays with my mind. Something about living in a seemingly simple world, in the sixties-summers of love, and the magic that sparked in the innocence of childhood.

And here I am talking about being young, summertime and love stories on Christmas Eve...no wonder I'm a hopeless romantic!

I like to be able to think about different life sometimes, but there's always the truth of scripture pointing me to put away childish things, trusting the sovereignty of God and where I am is where I'm to be. I don't know. I think the creative parts of my brain pulls all this stuff up because I secretly want to write a novel, or a screenplay- even if they never get used or published.

But dear reader, if you get a chance, take the time to watch Flipped. It's only an hour and a half, and it's a warm, heart-felt movie that'll really make you smile. For now, I bid thee good tidings of great joy! Merry Christmas, sleep time!

i dislike horror movies

Last night was just weird. Night of worship at church, then expensive pizza that's ok at best. Then we went to watch a stupid horror movie at a friend's house. Texas Chainsaw Massacre is so gross, so disgusting with gore...filled with evil, fruitless things. I'm done with those movies, no more, so I walked out halfway through. I didn't even want to watch it in the first place. I feel like those kinds of movies in a sense exalt demonic things. Why would I want to subject myself to watching those sorts of things? It gave me a really weird feeling, and I had nightmares as a result of it. Sure, that argument of subjection can be made about anything; which is why I'm becoming more aware and discerning of what I'm letting influence my mind. It's just one of those things that I have a low threshold for, and I don't want to desensitize myself anymore. Anyway..

long precious week...

how wild, I can't even push my mind through the express lane of "being done" with the semester.

Work was long, tedious and lots of new things to learn. Very repetitious I might add, but productive to say the least. I feel like my two bosses, Mike and our engineer all have me do various jobs throughout the day, while trying to do my job at the same time. I like that they find me valuable enough to want to utilize me, I've just never known this type of working style, so I'm getting used to it. Also, our company is going to be featured on Myth Busters, to bust a myth on silencers. They flew out to Cali this week to film, and it should premier within the next season- so that's exciting, and will hopefully generate more revenue for the company. God is good and he provides.

I really blew it on a test. Can't believe how bad I did...pretty upsetting. I don't know where my mind was, but I just didn't win it. I still passed the class, but it really hurt my grade. I'm still pressing forward, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep growing and seeking God and pursuing a future to make ready for whatever God has. I'm thinking and praying about moving back out within the next 6 months to a year. School and work, that whole balancing act, along with serving the church (small group/house church/band practice/accountability/discipleship) is challenging to be sure, but I'm not challenged enough. I feel like if I make myself more independent, I'll really be challenged with school. Try harder essentially. I need that, because sometimes when things come easy, I take it easy and don't apply myself. That's not being a good steward, I don't think. God is good and he provides.

I gotta keep learning what to say, what not to say, and when to just be quiet. It's something I've become increasingly conscientious of, and I try to apply it as much as possible, but I often slip up. It's ok though, things will work out better.

This verse has really struck my heart, and it's so true. Nehemiah 8:10b says:
"And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

That is so true. I have so many reasons to be tired and burnt out, but the more that I find myself meditating on God's word, what I'm doing for the Lord in my day to day, I find that his joy is literally my strength. I don't know how else to explain it. As for now, it's late, I've made a night cap, grilled cheese and soup, and I'm ready to chill out and smile. God is good and he provides! Amen.

few things on my mind:

I can't find my Gameboy Advance power cord. Which means I'm unable to play it because it's dead and the cord is nowhere to be found. It sucks just looking at Super Mario World sitting in there, and wanting to use Yoshi to eat a blue shell and fly. Bummer.


Today was wild. I don't know what it is, but since I'm free from school for a few weeks, time has no context for me. I literally clock in for work, work a lot, then it's already lunch time and it hasn't seemed that long. Then the day is done. Bam, just like that. So much work to be done, lots of learning, lots of cuts on my fingers, it's good to work hard - I feel satisfied.

Also, I'm glad that for the most part, I throw in my iPod at work, and just go to town on sermons. I'll play music occasionally, but my heart is longing to be plumed deeply into the Word. I'm learning so much and God is showing me a lot. It's wrecking my heart how callous I've become- how it's easy to become unmotivated for the gospel in areas of my life I wouldn't really pay attention to.

Which brings me to something pretty exciting for me. I've been learning a lot and growing in my relationship with the Lord over this past year. A lot of that is due to having regular accountability with Jesse, Rob and continually now with Tadd. Mac has asked me to speak at Faithwalkers in a seminar on the topic of Accountability, what it means to me and how that might work out for a single guy. I'm really honored to even be considered for this, but I'm completely thrilled at the idea of getting what God has shown me and my thoughts across to other men in the movement and stirring them up! Showing them the biblical pattern and importance of modeling one's life after Christ's ministry, and that a large portion of it starts with accountability.

So I'll be preparing that talk, and praying, and rehearsing, and looking for that darn cord so I can play my Gameboy for once...I'm really blessed. Today was a good day, unlike the rest of this week. It's nice to just chill out now. Soli Deo Gloria

whisky, and too much inspiration

one of those things
instances where you see other people's lives
and how much I wish my parent's were rich to just put me through school

but, the reality is, I gotta keep pressing on.

looking at where I'm at in my life, I don't know what will happen in the next month or so. I've been talking with Josh about what I should probably do-regarding the best options for my life right now, but ultimately, I want to fall on my face so hard and weep before the Lord. wanting him to know my heart, by way of exposing everything. wanting to know him more, by way of giving up my heart more.

Whenever I enjoy a nice night cap, I always get this wild groove vain in my brain. I can't contain it, but all I want to do is write you an album, telling of things you'd never even imagine in 10,000 years. Something classy and innovative. Makes me want to write the sexiest record ever. Totally changes what I had in my mind for something good.

But, it's so genuine.

Poem #4/Unsportsmanlike Awakening

Sorrow found me when I was young...
∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅
I awake, middle of the night, in disbelief of where things are.
Things like love lost, then found
Things like time wasted, and well spent
Wanting to say more

Unsettling dead silence
Eyes open, like it's been a long slumber
It's still 2:38AM, and I should not surrender until I've passed the tunnel.

Soon, stories and confessions bridging canyons,
and drawing lines, connecting dots, following patterns that stars have made that already blew up.
If those things are on the map, that is. I hate being awake right now.
Hospital bed, pull the plug, I'm not conception inception, power outage without any sort of idea.

You do things, I'm sure of it. I'll make quieter, and go on for this.
∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉
...'cause I dont want to get over you.

I'm very interested to see this

I believe as a result of my film class, I've become increasingly attracted to documentaries. If my professor heard me say that, she would probably see to it I got A's for the rest of my academic career...ha!



The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction.  By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say.  ~Mark Twain

work in progress

I've had so much on my heart lately. Really the only good way I know how to cope with it and work through it is writing music. A lot of it I feel in the actual music. The tones and colour that penetrates through the pulses. And I love shiny sounds, and good hooks.

Then there are the lyrics, and I wanted something very simple. I normally don't do this, but I've uploaded a sample so far of what I've been working on. I showed it to the band, and Billy says he loves it. We're working through drumming patters and making it elctrorganic. Implementing pads and samples but making it band playable. So, here it is. Feel free to leave a comment on what you think. Please don't post this publicly on facebook or anything yet- I put it on here because I have a limited number of readers. Thanks :)

  newsongidea by Hayden Henderson

you haven't met me yet

this sin of my humanity, it lies in my flesh, and lies through my flesh, and lies to my flesh:

I'm the worst son
the ungrateful one
the complaining gnaw

the stuck up american boy
with dreams of flesh
and self preservation

a volatile agony
the heartbreak
and what I hate so much in you, is how you've become like me.

the perversion of simple
taking scissors to everyone's life
and there's no middle ground

I run wild, with fire in my eyes
an unrestrained heart
and all that I cry is "God, please make this stop"

that's all, and I cry

THEN WITH FERVENT WORDS,
AND HOPEFUL RESOLVE
I SCREAM


"I LOVE YOU JESUS, I LOVE YOU"

Poem #3

glass box
lined in blue and white neon
shot me back 25 years
time didn't matter
a complex function
something I wasn't meant to understand
variables and sequences
couldn't fix the now, then, or ever
ebony glass, with a cold sheen
so brittle, and fragile
nothing can move without permission
so then I take precautions
because nothing is controlled by my mind
only in it

it's like a journey
trial and voyage
exile within exile
the only things that sound appealing
are: paint, time to myself, books, writing
I want a masterpiece
it wont happen the first try
but the first try is a step
and I know it's possible

take some moments
and remember

Poem #2/floods of thoughts

I've gone down roads like these
Before time took to beating my face
Smoke screen after smoke screen
I hide outside, behind a cigarette

It's always a black jacket,
And something warm around my neck
Shielded from this cold weather I love so much
Wanting something so badly, I don't know what to do with it.

Through the thick night, and steady fog
light posts drape orange dresses, postmarks to take me to bed.
Only me and the sound of the tires on the wet road, over the hum of my engine.
So specific in sound, it made my mind lethargic towards all other thoughts.
Sounds that will paralyze me, and cause me to become instantly infatuated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being too accustomed to comfort, I've evolved into stationary
Not making moves, on anything, and that's what is killing me.
The awful thing about that, though, I don't have a place elsewhere,
and I still haven't left.

I suppose I don't know how to be real,
and speaking of vulnerability, it's easy to say that on this end of my screen.
I suck at being in public, or public secrets, or cliques, and I haven't found
a whole bunch of people to allow me to work it out...

In all of it though, I'm tired and burnt by this semester.
Cant wait for a break, and Jesus to wreck my heart again.
Gotta grow into my new position, I'm not who I used to be...says a lot of people, I guess.
Gotta stop this whiney bull crap, it probably sounds like all I do is complain when I write...
I'm over it

Poem #1

You are contagious, light up a room
like static and bedazzlement.
The joy in your face, I can't replace
for your affection is far too sweet;
pure and genuine, never to be matched.

Composed and subtle,
You are the sweetest thing I've ever known.
Your love is caring, yet reserved
and like your affection, paramount to who you are.

These are the things I've not felt, nor known.
Some kinds of things I would like to feel.
Out of the corner of my eye, I think I catch a glimpse of it
but it's never certain.
And my timing is slightly off pace, entering the room,
only to see the side of your eyes, through your hair
as you leave through the door.

So I try and think about how to bide my time,
and leave rooms the same time you do.
I fill my days with things to occupy my life,
so that you don't have to.
Books became my world.
I listen to orchestras of pandemonium
I see flashes of chaos, even through the pages...
My hand is cold, but love is not lost.

Fin.