I don't know where to begin, because I don't know where or when it began, and I don't see an end in sight. Good one Mayans.

Let's start with the facts:
I've worked myself into a panic and restlessness with 120 hours this pay period.
I don't have time for really much anything else, because I need to stay busy to keep the wolves at bay.
I haven't had a good solid quiet time in a few weeks, and that sucks. Terribly.
I haven't been back to the gym since going with Bry, and I'm feeling it. *sluggish*
Last night was the hardest it's been in a while, and God convicted me so hard.

Let's continue with the non-self centered facts:
God has made a man to work.
God has a plan for my life.
God knows all and is always with me.
God is incredibly kind and gracious to me through all my f-ups and willful fleshiness.
God is showing me things through the minutia of my days - even when they blur together.

Last night, something happened. Between the terrible last minute shopper's traffic, a sleepless work week built up in my fatigue threshold, and feeling so alone, it broke. I broke. God ripped me apart with conviction and truth. A floodgate of seemingly simple things, amazing things, that were monumental pillars of light amidst a dark and asphyxiating world. I tried to begin to pray, but my weeping was so deep that I couldn't drive, and I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't see, and I couldn't even speak. I well up with tears even now as I think about it. It was a particularly hard Thursday, but a hard week too. And God came through, God was close, and is close, and said, "I became like you, to redeem you and relate to you, and save you from all of this that constricts your heart." And it went on for what seems like forever, until my heart felt like it emptied out, and then I began to form words and actually pray.

I need brokenness and desperation before my King. I get so proud, even in my pursuit of obedience - I get like Martha, or the brother of the Prodigal son. I get so mad at God too, because I feel like all I try to do is incline my heart to his will, and so many things I don't understand continue to happen, or not happen, and I get to this point of complete faithlessness. God is showing me things unseen, and bringing me places I otherwise did not expect.

That's the way it goes I guess. Is there any injustice in God? May it never be said so. 2013 will be a monumental changing year for me. I will buy a house, and I will keep praying for a wife, and keep pursuing pastoral ministry. Boot camp for now, training is always hard, until the harder things come to pass. This is the way it goes.

Lord, give me strength to carry on.