Uhh

"It's not you, it's my terrible choice in women..." (from a someecard)

It's Christmas time soon, and holiday parties are afoot, and needless to say, I'm getting heckled relentlessly by all the guys at work. It's not a terrible way to get bombarded with suggestions and set ups - and I mean, in regards to "Who are you bringing to the Christmas dinner this year?"

Everyone has their girl whom they're bringing to our annual company party, and our secretary is bringing the "guy she lives with". (Which is funny in a dismal, dark, ironic sort of way; she's gone through 2-3 marriages, has a kid with one of those guys, so she said to hell with commitment. She just found a sugar daddy and they shack up.) But she's a great accountant, so there's that.

SO - it's as if my absent invitation RSVP has drawn attention to the fact that I haven't turned it in, and everyone knows I'm the resident single guy, so I get this onslaught with all the guys trying to get me hooked up. It's a lot of things - humorous to begin with, but then when everyone goes home to their women, I think, "God, I don't like this one bit." And he hears me, and he knows me, and my wandering heart needs to bind back to him. Because it'd be just easy enough to say, "Yeah, I'd like to bring your hot cousin" or "Have your girlfriend bring her friend and we'll sit together".

It'd mean nothing, honestly. So there's no point. It'd just be a flirt and nice momentary gratification to my worldly masculinity to say "Yeah, you still got it champ." Which also means nothing. It's a weird quasi heart check. I'll probably end up going to the dinner alone, and everyone won't even notice or remember after the second drink. And I'll make them all laugh, because they expect me to. But I'm not going to get used to this.

And on a side note, I have a sneaking suspicion that God has yet to bring a woman into my life, whatever that means.

But it's also funny (in a dismal, dark, and ironic sort of way) to turn down girls - because I realize how easy it would be to get married and settle and never be happy.