Goals - Getting out

I've been at a loss for ideas when it comes to goals - and quite frankly I'm pretty much a "big-idea" kind of man. So without an epic plan to execute on, I tend to bide my time.

But as I got thinking, I want to make purposeful small goals and achieve them to learn, experience and figure things out.


This will be the summer where I will hunt and camp, and start to explore outside of my room, and get to experience God outside. Maybe I'll climb a mountain with Josh Whitney one day?

I want to just go. Shoot, piss, scour landscapes, drink from my flask, and get lost. I want days alone with my Lord. Simple change of pace then I can come back to safe M-F when it's all said and done.

You know, running around today, barefoot, getting sunburned and out of breath made me realize a few things:

I've forgotten to shave so that saved me from some sunburn.
I've forgotten about going to the gym as much - so much to do and little time for myself.
I was up to running 45 minutes straight - breaking a sweat and pushing hard, but endurance has been lost I suppose.

There is much repurposing still left to do. I've got to get back on track here, and make things happen. In God's time, of course - but I need to be proactive and not lament the catastrophe of mismanaged opportunities.

This new project I'm pursuing is going to be something else entirely. I want to change people's lives and really do something remarkable. I guess there's always quirky things to say, or honesty, or facing tension - but to sculpt a masterpiece as a first try at something big. I don't want to talk at anyone - I just want to get the conversations started.

Strolling through The Neighbourhood cruising in I Love You takes my mind off. Literally, off.

"When I wake up I'm afraid somebody else might take my place." -Afraid

that awkward moment when it's been me the whole time

So, I had a dear brother tell me this evening that I am doing way too much. He said that I just need to stop and start to live a little. "Not everything is your responsibility..." is one of the excerpts of that conversation. A loving correction, I think, since he took notice of my "go go go" life.

I guess I'm too much a Martha, if you will. I want to make sure things get done, and make people happy. All in all, I guess it's foolish, since there will always be things to do, and happiness is temporary. Regardless, I like to bless others.

Then again, I relayed back to him that I've purposefully took on all this stuff since there's not much else in my life, or perceivably coming into my life, that would need room for my time. I'm the resident single guy at work, so naturally I'm the candidate for more trips and longer hours. I'm getting compensated, but it's a place I've allowed myself to go since nothing else is going on.

When I have semi-in depth conversations with brothers, it's usually along the lines of exchanging work capacity, ministry, and then the mutual concession of "I'm tired", to which I digress and admit that they are much more tired than I since they have a wife and x-number of kids. I guess they make different schedules than I do, but we work the same. I think I live a bit more on a whim, when I think about it. I for sure schedule out my month to the best of my ability (and with whatever data is given) but other than that, I eat, buy, go, and sleep when I want. (Except for the sleep bit, I hardly get any of that).

So, even though I don't have anything pressing to get in, I think I am going to make way for less congestion in my heart/mind/time/life/vision and live a little. Learning again how to have fun, since it's not always business up front.

I guess that's where I'm at after a camp fire, hot tub, and beer. Saturday night alone was ok, but I'm sure there's better to come. Still, I'm blessed, and thank Jesus for this chapter of life, daily.

Valley of the Shadow of Death

I think that God in this kindness has surely withheld from me the entirety of my sin. And yet at the same time, the seeds of all deplorable and unsightly things can be found within my own heart. And I feel as though the more I pursue Christ, the more I see the vastness of my sin, and my hatred for it, and my love for Christ and holiness, to which can only serve to the chief end of sinning less and wanting to be around sin less, will ultimately culminate to the glory of God.

I'm growing tired of this easy-believism that so readily surrounds my life, and I want to abandon the nonsense thinking that's poured into my mind. There's not always a practical application, or "council" that will fit the bill for what ails me. And in all of my sin, disobedience, and heartache, I'm learning that I need to cast it all upon Christ, all the more. If indeed nothing can separate me from his love, then it ought not be myself that withholds to approach him with a repentant heart, total surrender, and an entire reliance on him. I need to. I must. I can't keep trying to fix cancer with band aids - and band aids are plentiful caps of so called solutions that get tossed to and fro.

The problem with holiness is that it reveals a plethora of wrought while purifying the muck and mire from a plastered heart. Sometimes holiness hurts, and valleys of darkness are self inflicted. Sometimes they are imposed and feel cold, but as the psalmist so eloquently writes "I shall fear no evil for thou art with me."

That is a familiar and readily called verse of sacred scripture, but I find that it calls to my heart a new stance and position to truly trust God more than ever before. I find that sometimes the Holy Spirit lets me on my own way into brokenness so that I trust in Jesus greater. A poem to reflect my heart:

Oh to my great Shepherd
How I crave your loving voice
In my heart's darkest moments
And In my soul's rejoice
Your ways are just and perfect still
Such clarity through all the noise
You ever guide my heart to sing
Make mine your sovereign choice

When my sin so vast and great
Reveals and gives it's way
My heart of stone is quick to hide
And doubt what's true in day
But when your word reveals to me
Great truth to think and pray
You ever guide my heart to sing
Make mine your sovereign way

Incline my heart unto your will
Conform me to your Son
Make holiness a mark of mine
Make your will be done

Glorify your son the Christ
In my life and all around
Make truth reach beyond compare
Make your word abound

Holiness I long for mine
Holiness as your call
Holy Holy are you Lord
Make you mine all in all

Hard times in American life and good American friends.

I have recently had trouble with justifying "hardships" given that we are by far the most affluent and wealthiest people in all of humanity, and yet, I still face the real things that break us all the same.

All I know is I'm super grateful and thankful for amazing friends to be around, and that Zach and Megan wanted to talk to me about hard things in my family life and advice on home buying.

They are so good for me to talk to - they get me and I get them. Even with new changes in and around my life, it feels great to talk with them. The more I think about it, they are truly wonderful friends more than anyone could ask for, and they are the staple couple in my life who I thank God for.

I'm beyond blessed. Thank you Jesus.

bloodshoteyesdriedout

My heart sometimes pounds like shoes in the dryer, and I don't think it's in response to feeling any particular emotions, but more because I'm going non-stop from sun up to sun down.

I really need to take some time for myself. I know I say I'm getting good at saying no to things, but the trouble is, I get so excited about so many things that I forget and just want to be with everyone.

It's nice to just feel ease and know that I've gotten a lot of things taken care of. 5K in credit cards paid off, my things in order, taking care of the things I have...etc. Then it's a whole new thing entirely to realize I really need to step up my obedience game and start showing my love a little bit clearer.

Really, some of the more overwhelming ideas to my new American life is that I have to think about things otherwise out of my mind. I have to pay some guy to come vacuum out my air ducts so no dust build up gets blown into my rooms, or even just buying a vacuum. Then there's a lawn mower, a grill, some couches, a table, a fridge, towels, floor mats, croutons, whatever. And to think I need to add chemicals for under the kitchen sink to my grocery list, and then I'm reminded how much I really do love Target and shopping there. Where to sort my bills, where to hang my coat, where to land a library and small home studio? The many things that mull over my mind as I look look look.


And my heart, it's so weak, is pounding all the more.

On a side note:
I pray for justice in this world, in this life, in my life. And it's a hard pill to swallow, because I'm often the patron saint of hypocrisy or cynicism. When I pray for justice, I ask for it in my life as well. I ask for obedience and a regular standing of holiness. God is showing me things in my life that are better dealt with now than in 5 or 10 years. (and the problem with me is that I'm too honest, even in saying vague things to vague readers, that you actually know by my confession that I have unsightly things to deal with in my character [or lack thereof] in no uncertain terms)

What is next is following the footsteps of God. I'm praying. #tired

write right

or correctly.

“Writers aren’t people exactly. Or, if they’re any good, they’re a whole lot of people trying so hard to be one person.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald

While I confess that I'm not one with high accolades or eloquence in a manner of "professional authorship", I do enjoy to write. This is mostly expressed lyrically, hum-drumming around in my head and figuring out word play or clever ways to say something, but I also enjoy penning on heavy weight paper and watching the ink stain inward, or blogging, as I do now and act on more frequently than the former.

I'm finding the flux and flow of understanding who I am musically, again. It's been a minute since I've just mused out and went for it. Whatever it is. I'm finding all my inspiration and motivation captured from my favorite bands or artists, or genres are all bubbling up at once - and I'll start to play something in the cadence of a hymn, and then it switches to a swaying Matchbox Twenty-esqu chorus. And I always have to kick myself in the shins to try and figure out how to write a good pre-chorus. I'm straight laced when it comes to that, and I'm learning how to write differently.

Although, I don't think I'm learning externally. It's more of a discovery; exploring what I shouldn't do and what is not normal. Then I think about how much I want to be in love, and how far from it I really am. Or I'll start to mumble what ifs in terms smoking cigarettes in a cobblestone town square at a cafe with Ray Bans on to cover the hangover, and what that life is like.

Or just being a sexy jazz singer with the saddest piano songs.

All in all, I am finding new trails opening up before me. The proverbial fog is lifting, and maybe it's sunlight, or maybe I'm dreaming.

heavy

Nights burning forward, I find myself falling asleep in other cities and musing at what could be. I want so much and have so little time.

God will give me strength and heart - because my heart is so weak and pathetic.

This is my life right now - and not one iota out of place. There will always remain my favorite albums, or my staple dinner, or the greatest sins of present struggle, but many new sunrises by the grace of God will find my eyes. Looking across the curve of the earth at how vast my smallness really is.

And I'm praying for God to fill in the empty and lonely parts of my heart; helping me figure that bit out. I dream of going places that will take miracles and provisional leading from The Lord, but I aim high and I've set my marks to always do so.

And this weight that otherwise rests on my neck will momentarily go away when I actually trust God for love, futures, and obedience.

Then again, some nights are just heavy.

Slipped Away

In a moment my life changes for the better.
Again.
God is so kind to me, and I forget it.

I am so SO heavily in it that perspective outwards gets lost between terminals, hotel pillows, graphic design and my heart feeling tired.

Sometimes I'm the odd man out, and I recede to a dark room and listen to this empty northern hemisphere. Cool air conditioned waves cascade my feet, and I dream of times when I'll lay in my own house. I think about my social anxiety and how no one believes me, but I try to stay on the outside. I think about quiet conversations after the laughter and formalities fade...and it's raw.

I have some new pants, and that's a good feeling. I start to measure things by the durations of various articles of clothing and how long they keep colour, or how small they fit (or don't fit), and I tie them to moments like this week.

His will be done, and I keep saying that and reminding myself. The disciples were told to pray that way. Jesus has an order for talking to God, and I want to keep that.

I don't think I'm settling down - I just think this is a big dramatic step in my life. You only get to experience these things fresh and once. That's why it's so hard to want to latch on to most things anymore. I'm seeing what's truly most important, and they are coming into view. Even when it feels like I'm away from so much.

But, I'm not gone.