bloodshoteyesdriedout

My heart sometimes pounds like shoes in the dryer, and I don't think it's in response to feeling any particular emotions, but more because I'm going non-stop from sun up to sun down.

I really need to take some time for myself. I know I say I'm getting good at saying no to things, but the trouble is, I get so excited about so many things that I forget and just want to be with everyone.

It's nice to just feel ease and know that I've gotten a lot of things taken care of. 5K in credit cards paid off, my things in order, taking care of the things I have...etc. Then it's a whole new thing entirely to realize I really need to step up my obedience game and start showing my love a little bit clearer.

Really, some of the more overwhelming ideas to my new American life is that I have to think about things otherwise out of my mind. I have to pay some guy to come vacuum out my air ducts so no dust build up gets blown into my rooms, or even just buying a vacuum. Then there's a lawn mower, a grill, some couches, a table, a fridge, towels, floor mats, croutons, whatever. And to think I need to add chemicals for under the kitchen sink to my grocery list, and then I'm reminded how much I really do love Target and shopping there. Where to sort my bills, where to hang my coat, where to land a library and small home studio? The many things that mull over my mind as I look look look.


And my heart, it's so weak, is pounding all the more.

On a side note:
I pray for justice in this world, in this life, in my life. And it's a hard pill to swallow, because I'm often the patron saint of hypocrisy or cynicism. When I pray for justice, I ask for it in my life as well. I ask for obedience and a regular standing of holiness. God is showing me things in my life that are better dealt with now than in 5 or 10 years. (and the problem with me is that I'm too honest, even in saying vague things to vague readers, that you actually know by my confession that I have unsightly things to deal with in my character [or lack thereof] in no uncertain terms)

What is next is following the footsteps of God. I'm praying. #tired