sore gums

after clenching your teeth for so long, you soon realize that you're stressed for whatever reason, and you decide to chill out. the scowl on your brow loosens, your jaw relaxes, your knuckles turn from white to soft pink again and that tension in your neck subsides... but there are still bite marks on the back of your tongue from pressing so hard. this is what the beginnings of this song feels like to me. it's a basic idea, and I've gone outside of my realm of reason to even preview this, but it's been rooting in my brain for so very long, and I just need to let it go for a minute.

all this really is is a semi-dynamic, repetitive preview of a song idea that I'm working on. it'll probably be very different by the time i'm done with it.  here you go, dearest readers:

  beginning idea for new song by Hayden Henderson

i'm not sure I love the beat either...
-JUST.A~[work]~IN.PROGRESS-

the one thing I love about cable television is when I stumble upon programming gems, like this show "Portlandia" on IFC.

this is one of my fav clips, and my fav part is with the old lady talking to Fred underneath the table. The show is pretty absurd and off the wall at times, but I think because I'm half English, I understand really really bizzar humor.

I have a new lamp, and a new nightstand too. I thought I'd share that. And my bookshelf is looking mighty spiffy!

Then one more cool thing happened tonight: I had a rush of ideas for music burst into my brain and it dripped inside my skin, down in my fingers, and there's these songs dancing in my heart. Like, DANCING. Get it rollin'.

every direction

I have LoSt my mind. I probably am thinking all sorts of irrationals right now.

So many distant goals, and I hope I can still write good music after today.
Gonna seek my God, gonna meet up with Steele sometime, gonna get discouraged and somehow fall in love. Gotta rest this time, say no and take it all back. Not to keep, but to give away.

L
E
G
A
C
Y
-gospel-centric-

my life needs to count, and I feel like I generally give my love away to too many people at once, and need to focus it specifically. There are people that I've forsaken unintentionally, and I want to find the words to say again. Getting over my mind block, and stuttttters.

Gotta bookmark moments like this, so I can have a better recollection of the things that matter.
I'm losing myself in God to find who I am. If not, I'm losing myself entirely.

can't sleep...thanks national

this is a first in a while. sleepless nights that is.

I've been plugging through all day, non-stop, since 6 A.M. and lots internally and externally to deal with.
And there are moments when I feel like I'm getting so close, like almost in sync. It's moments like that which makes my heart skip a beat. Been listening to High Violet all night - and it's one of those entire-album nights, and it's got me in this introspective mood. The most creative/artistic moment I've felt in a while. A lot of it got focused in a journal, which has been a while, some of it on sketch, and then I took a vogue picture of my face. This is that picture:

and it's one of those "so tired I can't sleep" feelings. I'm entirely acquiescent to just surrender, because the other end of this is so disarming anyway. So there's no use in trying to hold on to the specific things I want. What I want now is to lay down in the mud so you don't have to get your feet dirty.

Sorry for being vanity fair, I'm trying to be a good pilgrim, and I've just gotten tired from a long week. No excuses, just honesty. Keep my head on my shoulders, and my hand in my pocket until you come stand next to me. Keep my heart in my chest, and sold to Christ. Keep my tongue clenched between my teeth, because I don't have a lot to say, because I want to listen.

Well, slews of thoughts from tonight. Super stoked and blessed to see one of my best friends get married tonight, and how God clearly orchestrated all those moments in his and her lives to bring them to where they're at now. It gets me super choked up to think about all that has happened in the last year, and now I'm utterly amazed at the handywork of God in all our lives, which seems obvious in hindsight...

Weddings that are happening make me feel stuck. A lot of weight is underneath that commitment, which I've always understood, but seeing that God is moving all the parts in my heart except the relationship one, makes me just let go. Like in a good, serious way. Not saying I'm letting go of the idea, or desire, or dream I have to get married, have a beautiful, godly wife, and have cute babies, but that my hand is open for God to guide me. I told Zach tonight as he was driving me to my car, that I think it's gonna take a slap in the face miracle from God for a relationship to make sense. And if not, I told Tadd that if I'm not married or raptured by 2020, then I'll move to Anchorage, Alaska, to plant a church with him.

Zach and I also agreed that at our weddings, we probably only want our family and close friends. People who are dear to us. The kind of people you want to hang out with on a friday night, the kinds of people you smile when they're around. This probably sounds rude, but I'd only invite the other 80% of people I know for the purpose of getting sweet gifts. Like a full on, balls to the wall celebration! Like one of those weddings that really are just phenomenal. But, that's why Zach's is next, and we get to do the BETA version before I get ideas for mine...haha!  BUT!!! I really will only do what my babe wants, those are just my vague ideas! (Whoever she is..ha!)

I made a really bitchin' mix for the dance party, and only a few songs got played which is kind of a bummer, lots of good songs after. Like: Paper Planes, Sexyback, some Usher songs, some Gaga, Billie Jean, Daft Punk and Michael Buble. Oh well, good party mix to jam on another night I guess.

Also, I realize I probably have no idea what I'm talking about half the time, because there are all but two billion thoughts consecutively ruling my brain and I feel FRIIIIIIIIIIED! But it's good. Keep reading, keep working, keep designing, keep writing,  keep staying in people's lives. That's it for now. Word.

he's not a shrink, he gives me council!

either I've become accustomed to figuring things out with other people by some sort of intuition, or just super lucky? I'm Reformed, so luck has nothing to do with it...


Anyway, I feel great about talking with dear brothers. Being able to just "spill the beans", and read Romans 7 and realize that no matter how unbelievably un-teriffic my days are, how wretched my sin in my heart is, that Christ is my Lord and I'm free from all those (insert cuss-word) days and feelings. Doing this study has been a real great heat checker for me. I started last May, and slowly have been trudging through it. (Doesn't help that I have like 5 commentaries on Romans, and Tadd has four times the amount I do) but, that's the way we get by...


Opening my heart up weekly, or bi-weekly, has been great, because then I don't feel like a pressure cooker, and start screaming and whistling and outbursting irrationally. I have been infamous with outbursting irrationally too, by the way. Keeps me somewhat level headed. That and daily prayer. And the most dramatic change I've seen in my relationship with the Lord has been when I genuinely interceded for other people. If I know he's having a hard time with money, or I know she's finding her place with God, I pray for them. Then I'm not always focused on me me me...


What else? Oh, work is getting rougher. We had a costly incident last week from an employee which set us back $22,000.00 and that really bums me out. There goes my promotion for now. We'll have to spend the next few months recouping that cost by stepping up production. I'm doing all I can to help out and receive delegated tasks so other people can do other important things. In all of it, I know GOD does have a plan for my life. And even though I was working diligently towards a nice prize, I will work all the more past that point, if a promotion happens or not. The frustration I suppose comes in light of wanting to get my life put together with more stability. But again, I step back from the dust cloud and take a deep breath, and believe that the Lord is doing something refining and character building. I hope it refines and builds my character. That was another rad thing too (looking back at the prayer blurb I wrote) this morning I prayed for my bosses that they'd be collected and deliberate in our meeting. I prayed God would give them wisdom as for what to do right now. Even though emotions were high, they were collected, and glory to God for that!

Things get cluttered, and my heart is quick to jump to conclusions, but I see that after all these years, specifically the last two, have been incredibly fruitful to wait on the Lord. Paul Stoddard told me something that was silly, but so true. He said, "You don't learn from cake and ice cream, you learn from suffering." I feel like this last little bit, the Lord has put me through the ringer, but I sure have learned so much, and I'm so grateful for it. We'll see what's next. Big things. Anyway, Soli Deo Gloria!

break

Well, next sunday in Provo will be the last time I lead worship at the Rock for a while. I had a great time in ardent worship last night, I really felt enveloped by God, and it was the first time in a long time when God grabbed my heart and shook me up. I think it was in a necessary, and good way.

Considering this, I'm going to try my best to submerge myself in more prayer, the word and hit the ground serving the church more. I see this as a parallel "break". Like taking a break from something, and also, when a football team is in a huddle, gives the game plan and initiates by clapping in unison exclaiming, "BREAK!"

And I need to turn over certain areas of my heart, so the Lord is my affection and not someone/something else. God is not going to place a promotion, a relationship, or new possessions in my life if those are the objects of my affection above him. I need him to be my resolve even more so. God will not grant me idolatry. I need a stern correcting. I need to learn more humility and submissiveness.

Then I realize how blessed I am that Josh is my pastor who will just be direct with me. He's kind and loving, but also truthful and strict. He told me, "Hayden, sometimes God uses 'No way Jose' to move people along" when speaking of God's direction and plan for my life. I could certainly be persistent, but unless it is sanctioned for my life by God, it won't work. That's a huge slap to my face, to realize that sometimes my will is in conflict with my Creator's.

I do love music, I'll still be writing, rough recording and maybe a slight chance playing a show or two, but my big idea is to step back and be led, be shepherded and submit. I want to make sure that my relationship with God is evident in my day to day, that I can grow to be increasingly genuine too. I'm thankful for the cross, for my God choosing me, for Jesus loving me and dying for me, and that I was ill-deserving in it all. That's heavy.

1 Peter 2:24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

stuck? or, just listen?

hot liquid, from a tall ceramic vase.
poppy fields and blundered skies create this euphoric moment,
where the war has since long been dead, and cotton soars through the old forests of the world.
but the truth in deciphering  snowfall and a midsummer's cotton is daftly blurred.


the present tense of looking beyond words, beyond the formalities can really get to a guy. and so he sits among the ash and oak, wafting in the swarm of lilac and fog, waiting and basking in the sun on a plain red blanket amidst a meadow of stars and dandelions. galaxies were here, love stories of broken people, rambunctious students and their fifths of whiskey, all faded memories that got boxed up and stored in the attic of adolescence. there shouldn't be any kind of dewey decimal system in categorizing thoughts with emotion- because something happens in correlation with a feeling, doesn't at all mean that feeling initiates a thought process of logic.

it just comes to down to sonar, fireflies and hoping for a warm bed with an ever pressing dream. a vision that outlives and grows past one's life. so many people all trying to do the same thing, and one looks better than the other when it's so small, but you back up, we're all the same make up-from dust we come and dust we'll go. regenerate or not, life is but a breath. regret or not, life is not a joke. serious or not, life is beautiful. and just like puffy clouds on a calm evening, the ones that soak in the last sun rays of today, so i know that i'll fly away just like that cloud, but I want everything to soak in and display the light of the son.

#thenumberfortytwo #poempluslife #rippedupmaps

Dave

Today we had some freight delivered, which being one of only 4 available working dudes at the shop, made me learn how to operate a loading dock. I was pouring some coffee and an older gentleman, portly and slightly cross-eyed, walks in the kitchen. He sternly asks me, "Do you guys have any donuts for sale?" I was perplexed at the idea of a random old truck driver walking into a random warehouse asking for donuts. I stammered out to him, "No sir, we aren't a bakery, we make gun silencers. I'm not sure how you mistook that..." and as I was about to show him the door, he smiled and said, "Oh I know. This USED to be a bakery that I delivered to, but I know it's changed...I have some shipments to unload." He just chuckled at the idea of pranking me, because I could tell he doesn't get to prank many people.  I didn't know which is funnier, the fact that I just got had, or that he's such an odd dude and just went out of his way to roam the building until he found someone.  His name is Dave.

Ten minutes after he finishes introducing himself, telling me what shipments he had, led me to realize this guy likes to talk. I mean, he's clocked in and knows he can take his time. It was humorous to see that my life just gets bombarded with talkers...even the ones I don't plan on meeting. (Which is why I think I'm starting to speak less and listen more?) Anyway, he goes out to back the truck in and I walk over to open the bay door only to my surprise, he was standing on the outside of the door waiting to tell me a joke. Some silly question like, "Have you ever seen a one legged man run?" And I chuckled, "No..ha" to which he replied, "Neither have I!" I just about lost it because he was so proud of himself, as if he told the funniest joke in the world. Made me laugh even more in my head - one of those funny random moments where you don't know what to do except just laugh to yourself. (Kind of like when you're walking down an aisle in Target and someone is walking towards you but neither person can decide which way to walk so there's a little dance and exchange of 'Ooops, excuse me haha'...that kind of funny)

The semi backed up, I figured out how to mount the lift from the bay to the semi and move some super heavy palates with a jack. I unloaded the palates and asked him if I needed to sign anything for receiving, and looking straight at me he didn't even answer. He just asked again what it is we produce. I told him, "We make gun silencers and machine all our own parts." He said, "Oh that's interesting.." then proceeded to tell me about his Labrador Terrier mix and how she's mischievous and digs up rocks from the garden. Then he kept referring to his Vet as Dr. Kathy, as if I knew her. It was all very humorous for me and I just listened. Twenty-five minutes later I motioned towards the bay door to close it, not trying to be rude and cut him off, but I needed to get back to my projects. He told me I was the nicest guy he's talked to in a while, which was encouraging. I can't imagine a lot of warehouse workers would be that friendly to a truck driver though.

Anyway, he was a nice guy, but a super wild encounter to say the least. Weird things happen to me sometimes I guess. #storyofmylife

Hearing and Doing the Word

James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. 22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

 26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. 27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

I was thinking about this passage and how that works in conjunction with my heart. Lately, the Lord has been speaking to me in volumes seemingly by way of "maps". Placement maps, road maps, planning and stewardship maps, character maps...different routes to take my heart away from deadly glaciers, rocky cliffs, desolate wastelands and from sinking in the sea.

I have an incredibly proud heart, which sucks. And I have to be careful in what I say here, because I don't want to admit that pride is a vice to seem humble, but still be prideful...if that makes sense. I have been asking and begging the Lord to change me and break me and make into something new, and that hasn't been an easy task. It was expected though. I feel like one year ago I was a different person, and change has come quickly - however my heart didn't keep up. My knowledge grew, study habits, book collection, fervency of prayer, but none of that matters without keeping the relational aspect. Talking with a brother, we both came to the conclusion that we studied scripture as if God were a topic, or an object under a microscope. Ironic how desiring cloesness to God can further one's pursuit if caution isn't aired and motives veer off course.

At this fork in the road, the Lord is leading me down the other path, the one I didn't expect, but saw coming. It seems as though almost every extracurricular thing are being sidelined for the sake of God winning my heart - and I need to refocus. Seniority, capability and longevity are good things, but not attributes that are binding. I'm stepping back from a lot of things with the intention of finding my place with God again. Too long I've let this pride linger, not manning up to properly deal with the wicked sin in my heart, confess to the Lord and repent.

I don't know specifics of what to expect in this next season, but I know I'm going to run hard after the Lord, know him and love him because he does the same for me; even though I can't outmatch him. I feel also that big things might be happening this year, and that this extraction is happening for a good reason. Where God guides, God provides - that's what mom has always said to me, and I believe it now more than ever.

Going back to those verses in James, I think it's additionally applicable for convictions. By that I mean when I hear truth from God either from the word, council, a sermon or prayer, I can take it and implicate it into my life, or I can be emotionally torn by it, but let it dwindle as a flash in the pan sort of feeling. I don't want to look at my sin in the mirror, and immediately walk away and forget what God was showing me. Lots to learn, and so little time in this life. It's been 17 days so far, and it's seemed like months to me; but I know it'll be a good year. Soli Deo Gloria

frosted glass

This isn't about fancy window decor, this isn't about a beer mug, this isn't even about foggy glasses.

This is about this morning, and how very real and physical God revealed himself to me. I'll explain it to you like this: What happened. Then, What God showed me. Then how the two are in conjunction.

1. I drive to work at 8:15 in the morning, and when I start my car, I usually sit there for a minute or so to let the engine warm up. On this particular morning, it was a dense cold in the air, so my windshield was icy and my warm, freshly brushed, minty breath fogs up the inside. (I have to wipe it away with my sleeve so I can see when I'm driving). I've made it a point to pray the entire duration of my drive to work the last 3 weeks (not including being gone for Faithwalkers). So, praying out loud, the glass gets frosted from the inside. Usually the heater starts blasting hot air once I hit the interstate. I'm driving from about 17th E all the way down 11400 S until I jump on the interstate, so there's roughly about 8 minutes on that road - including red lights and traffic. Praying until my heater warms up involves a lot of window wiping. :-)

2. God put on my heart this morning that I need to pray even when I don't feel like it. That could be when I feel good about everything and not feel the desperation to pray, or it could be when my heart is crusty and I'm being a turd about everything. Either way, the importance and significance regarding my relationship in response to my Creator, King and first Love rests on how serious I am about responding to cultivate a growing and flourishing relationship. This morning I was bummin' out. This morning my heavy heart continued. This morning I sought validation in thinking up fickle ways to glorify myself. Then, uber-conviction. I started up the car and IMMEDIATELY was prompted to start praying. It started, "Lord, I feel like crap, I'm so tired from not sleeping properly, I don't know if You're speaking to me of if my heart is leading me somewhere, I feel like I don't want to pray and I need You to guide me today...." Then at that point, my prayer was slowly picking up. Then the next thing I knew I was praying about everything; Josh being full time pastor, leaders in my life, relationship with Bryan, Paul and Tadd, my band, heavy stuff on my heart that needs resolving soon, work, co-workers, brothers, church growth, people being saved...on and on, and I felt so good about everything, and I realized I was on I-15 almost to 90th south. Then my heart sank (in a good way) when God showed me this:

3. JUST like my car has to be primed and warmed up after a certain time, in order for me to clearly see through the frosted glass to where I'm going, so my heart has to be primed and warmed up to clearly see where God is taking me. Oh my. How beautiful it was for God to speak to me right then. I was so blessed and encouraged and amazed and overwhelmed by how personal Jesus really is, I welled up with tears and cried. It was an incredibly fervent time of prayer, and I feel a lot of things on my heart were honestly expressed to God. He knows my heart, but he loves to hear me tell him anyway. Just like a dad knows his son loves him, so he loves even more to hear his son admit it. Even when my heart is selfish and I don't want to pray, I need to prime it and tell God I'm being sour. Even when I feel self confident and independent, I need God and his STRENGTH because everything I have comes from Him anyway.

So, I am posting this because I hope it's some brand of encouragement for whoever reads this. It really changed my heart today. I feel like God is doing a mighty thing through His people, and the Church is experiencing some reinforcement by way of stepping up the seriousness of our resolve for Christ. I feel it so much in my life, and I see how God has changed my life by way of sanctification and refinement, among many many others. 2011 is going to be huge, and I'm so so happy in my heart to see what the Lord will accomplish. I want to be sharp and ready for use, wherever He calls me. I hope you do too. God is gracious and kind. Soli Deo Gloria.

time out

the boys are out tonight, and I had to say no, so I gave someone else my ticket because they got left out and I felt bad about that. I've been burning through the last few weeks, lots to sort out, things to repent of, patterns and habits to change, and I finally get a night alone.

I'm just in a weird spot I think. But I get to have a good study time tonight, so I'm really enthused about that, in a quiet satisfactory sort of way.

I look forward to the many things that God does this year, so much good - I can feel it. And even I look forward to having a hand to hold, and a cheek to kiss. And I really want to bless a lot of people too.

I would like to take a step back, and readjust. This has been a heavy season of prayer so far, and I love it.

new road

It's incredible to me to see how quickly my world can change while I feel like I've been moving the same pace. A conversation with my boss turns into me transitioning over the next few months into being the head designer for the company, and making salary.

I'm going into a "blitz" training course to turn up the heat of my design programming knowledge, start building websites/pages, and video graphics. It'll be a very rigorous time, but equally beneficial.

Also, I feel the Lord leading me to step back from a few things, which I'm going to get crackin' on when I talk to Josh on Wednesday, but at the same time, I feel like I need to step it up in a few areas too, and have some overdue conversations.

Talking with Tadd for a few hours last night greatly encouraged me, and I feel like I'm on the right track for once. We share the same desire to be generous, hospitable, faithful, loving and affluent for the gospel. I feel like the culmination of everything that is happening will amount to a significant change in my life, and enable me to pour out my life even more.

But this time around, it's evenly paved, no lines, but set in a straight line, all the way to the horizon. This road is perfect for running hard. Gotta lace up and be ready. Gotta step up and give it all away. Gotta let my heart beat in God's guidance. Gotta love the things he has for me. And even though this life still has a lot ahead, I'm so grateful for things in the now. I want to be faithful where I'm at, and not living on the horizon. We'll see, I am just super excited about a lot of things, and I pray every morning for God to take my heart in the sweetest of surrenders.

two way mirror

I feel like my blog is sometimes a self provoked interrogation. Meaning that anyone can see in, and hear some confessions, or ideas, or thoughts, or pretty petty words, but I have not the slightest clue who is on the other side of the glass.

Social networking is a kind of smoke screen to hide behind. I'd talk to people I normally don't speak with. Agree with something without any consequence, or subscribe to a thought without any real repercussion or effort. It makes me into this pseudo-Hayden with a weirder brain than normal weird.

I feel like in a bit I'm going to step back from everything. Literally. Everything.com/forawhile. I'm going to have to sort through the shredded papers and piece together important things, and burn the scraps. Lots of masking tape, lots of journal entries, footnotes on maps, pictures with the date in yellow on the bottom right hand corner. And I have to get my piano tuned up.

For once, I'd like someone new to come into the room, ask some questions and poke around. I'm talking to shadows and deaf ears used to my ringing.

I'm grateful though, for friends, family, health, clothes, automobiles, food, love, laughter and Zooey Deschanel. I feel like life is good, regardless of global fowl deaths. Earthquakes and famines are the birth pains...so Jesus please come back soon.

Waiting For Forever Movie Trailer Official (HD)

Another love story that I'm really interested to see...ha. Whatev..

Vindicated, I am selfish I am wrong...and other lyircs

I was thinking on the drive home, after an insanely music infused day, what songs have really put a dent in my soul this past decade? There's a lot when you think past 2007. And to even fathom I was 12 in 2000, that's so wild. I've come a long way, and I thank God for where I'm at. Sure it doesn't look ideal to most, but, I'm not most.

This is probably gonna have to be thought out, and posted over the next few days/weeks(?). A lot of music, so much, and it's super defining of moments in my life. Times like: crushes and ideas of love, the death of someone close, figuring out growing up, warm summer nights with friends, pop songs everyone piped out at the top of their lungs together, super sexy music that makes you groove, songs that inspire, music that informs, music you listen to while reading....it goes on and on, and so very deep.

I found some old mix cd's that I used to make for Zach, Scrib and I. Nights I'd stay up at Zach's house during a sleep-over and make all these cool mixes for us to jam. Some other mixes for girls I used to dig. Some mixes I never gave to girls. Looking through playlists I made to give to the various band members  whom I've played with at the Rock. Maybe specific songs that could have changed the way someone felt. Who knows, it's only data on plastic...but that's easy to say.

David Gray, Coheed and Cambria, Yellowcard, Sparta, Dashboard, Thrice, Coldplay, Spoon, Lovedrug, The Beatles, Jay-Z, Mogwai, Saosin, Ryan Adams, Underoath, Led Zeppelin, Straylight Run, Echo and the Bunnymen, Metro Station, Usher, Depeche Mode, U2, As I Lay Dying, Pinback, Brand New, Sigur Ros, Danger Mouse, Beck, Rilo Kiley, Explosions in the Sky, Kings of Leon, HIM, Paper Route, Madvillain, Interpol, Stars, Anberlin, Radiohead, Lights, Band of Horses, Foo Fighters, Imogen Heap, Newsboys, and the lists keep going- those are just some of the many bands who made songs that rocked my world.

Sleeping in the back seat of a van driving down the interstate, during the rain, covered in a pillow with a headache. That moment was unforgettable. Music. My blood and bones are forced, but music makes my heart. It's so huge, I'm trying to process it all, but that's just incredibly difficult.

Green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find...

dead wrong

well wow, I'm normally not a fan of deleting posts, so I wont. but my last post (below) was quite amiss on a lot of things...I realize I have a very critical heart. That's going to take some time to change, and I decided to leave that post to serve as a check point to look back on.

He never stops working for me, God that is. And I left my cell phone in Bry's basement by accident, which led to Paul retrieving it to bring out to me. I was on my way in and he intercepted me so we walked back to the car, and a simple "How are you doing Hayden?" opened up an hour and a half conversation that really focused my heart. I love Paul so dearly, he is a faithful brother, a strong leader, a humble servant, and one of very select few whom I consider to be my father in the faith.

He shared his heart with me, and I was able to respond the best I could. And I opened up and told him everything in my heart, and he had so many good things to say to me. And I realized that I am dead wrong on a lot of things, and my approach to them/how I treat them. He really lit a fire under me which makes me want to become a more compassionate person. I want an infectious faith, a contagious love. I still desire to be genuine. And even when I don't agree with someone, or their lifestyle by virtue of my narrow-mindedness, I still need to love them and be unified.

I realized that God has different purposes for different people, all reaching the same goal-but what stuck out to me is pace. Our paces are different. My timing has always been off with certain things, but I feel like I'm running full sprint as best I can. I guess the list I had below is too brash and outspoken from irrational emotion. Anyway, lots on my mind, gotta get to sleep. I wanted to post this before I forgot. God is good.

Soli Deo Gloria

I feel like in my heart, I'm letting go of everything.

Because in order to reset where I stand solely with Jesus, everything else just doesn't seem to matter. I like to laugh, but being funny isn't my prerogative anymore. Having academics and accreditation is important, but I think it's shallow to live there. I know a lot of people who thrive on that, and they have fruitless lives for the gospel. I know a lot of people who've balanced it well too, so I'm not pigeonholing anyone. I'm losing my youth, and my looks, and my hair, and I would be worried about that 6 months ago, but I don't really care now. I have a voice and a heart to love Christ back. And as long as I can have a microphone and some music, I'll stick to that. And when I don't have those things, I'll do it some more.

I was in love with a girl, not so now. She's made herself too hard to love.
I had some dreams, then I woke up. Rubbed the sleep out of my eye and went to work.
I read some magazines, then those got thrown out. Now the Bible has my full focus.
I wanted things for myself, but then I died inside. Now I live for the will of God.
I say some really hard things, that most wont want to digest. But the passive ones wont last long.
I do need to be gracious and compassionate as well. I won't bend on the truth though.
I lay my head down, not knowing what 2011 will have. I rest easy in the sovereignty of God.

Soli Deo Gloria!