More importantly, I can't think of anything else.

Say it was something else. Tell me that the jewel of tomorrow's promise is fake.

The more I think about where I want to be, the more I see how I need to decide what things I'm going to be particularly good at. I have to stop looking at the tasks ahead like it's marshall arts, or a vocabulary test where I forgot to study for AP English so many times in 12th grade, because I snuck out of school to read Crime and Punishment at a coffee shop where the cops hung out.

There's nothing intangible to fight. There's nowhere to sneak away to. There's certainly no time for Crime and Punishment again, except in the literal sense - that time is taken away, which is a crime, and my punishment is being left here in my 17x17 bedroom, no window, with scores of books, some parchment and pens, and a whole lot of restlessness.

If there was a fire, I have no escape.

When I drive home late at night, after everyone has said goodbye, and I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do in the next 6 years, I imagine this made up place of home where I'll have all these nice fixtures, furniture, decor, guns, ammo, espresso maker, a big living room for people to come over and talk about Jesus, their studies, sadness, new this, new that, the future iPhone 7 when it'll be all see through glass...etc. Whatever. It'll be nice for the purpose of people. It'll be a place where everyone will always want to be. I will cook so much delicious food for people.

A house of good smells, a house of safety. No fake walls. No disingenuous love. I find myself giving my heart to as many people as I can, because since I want to be a pastor one day, I need to get into the habit of giving my life away. Like Steele said, "If I can, I will."

I think about these things a lot. I have a lot of small moments of free time where I'm not having to do something for someone, or be somewhere, or work 500billion hours. Staccato. It's quick. But I think about these things nonetheless.

I can't do it all. I can't always impress or stand out. I have the propensity towards a picaresque image, but I'm not that bad. I will try. I will give my all, for my King.

I refuse to go on 6 more years wondering.