+ you first loved me +

there would be no distance that could hold us back

today was a regular day. in respects that I've not had a regular day in quite some time.

there has been a lot going on, and I'm not even the same person as last week.

Letting myself go deep into thought, I poked my index finger through the spaces in the wicker furniture out back. It was one of those lucid moments, when everything came rushing back in. When the sun breaks through the apricot tree, and a wafting wall of lilac aroma. Cotton dancing in the air, and I began thinking about right now, then. I started remembering who I loved, genuinely and without regard to our economy. I had all these big ideas and inspirations for being super, and living a glorifying life for God. Being a husband. Having a family. Planting a church. And those all very well can be in the next few years.

Then my thought broke, because my dog Teddy dropped his tennis ball at my feet.

For some reason it melted my heart! He's my bud. My eleven year old pal. I grew up with him, gained companionship.  I looked in his semi-hazy grey eyes, and the saddening reality that one day I'm gonna lose him came over me. It made me appreciate him so much more today, than I think ever before.

Then I thought about how Grandpa Jack isn't with me. God took him home. And when I think about heaven, and leaving, I don't know honestly if I'm saddened more by his not being with me, or me not being there with him, worshiping Jesus face to face. He was my best friend. Roll model and hero. And there are times when I'm deeply saddened by his absence from my life, for selfish reasons, but nonetheless I regain joy to know that He came to relationship with Jesus the last few years of his life. That he responded to Jesus' love.

And Jesus loved me first too. And that is overwhelming, and merciful. He could have given me justice, but he didn't. He gave me mercy, and grace, and a family, best friends, music. Because so much pulls at my skin, often I'm not even listening; then on days like today, I remember these things. I listen.

Oddly enough, listening closely makes me see clearer too.

An audible, optical response that activates my heart...wild thought!

That you Jesus, that you first loved me.

track record

Training to run, for a long time
It's preparation
It's commitment
And accepting the "yes'" and "no's"
Asking, "Do I want this?"

It's scary. truthfully, it can be.
But everything I'm doing today will impact, by chain reaction, everything I'll be doing next year.

Here's the pressing thought in my head the last few days:
Has my past, my history, my track record caused others to not think fondly of me?
Have my actions, ugly and disgraceful, made it easy for me to be shut out?

I am convinced of doing lots of good for the Lord. Contributing the best I can for His Kingdom. But more often than not, the bad things outweigh the good. Or at least in this train of thought/blog post.

Hear me out.

In my past, I've not been the best person to grow up around. Most viewed me at some point or another as an asshole. Just being completely honest. And I can't help but think for those who've known me more than 2 years, to where I mark the beginnings of change, if they don't still have a bad taste in their mouth about me in some respects or areas of life. But I know in my heart of hearts I've tried my best to reconcile, and move on and let God make me into something better. Something new. Something else entirely. And it's a continuous work in progress, but I feel like I'm really picking up speed. This is my honest, shameless, self-reflection of where I am as of today.

And it might be really awkward too. The coming of age story where everyone sorta parts ways for a while, and you're left with teenage perceptions, and versions of people/friends in your mind. Then at some point, your roads come back together and everything is different, and it has shock value, but a lot of questions loaded with it too. The obstacle is overcoming what you knew, or even getting over the missing history. The trial is "starting over", if you will.

I liken it to this-
There's a stark difference in an eye witness account and an perceived end result. And what I mean by that is: A bachelor's degree will get you a good paying job, based on a decision making boss seeing the end result certification, with all the implied work affiliated in your said title.
Now, had that same boss seen all the things you failed at, wrong decisions you made and bad choices of character along the way, regardless of you attaining that degree, you most likely would get a different, negative response from the overseer.

So basically, someone who's been in my life for 5+ years will have an entirely different perspective on me than someone who's been in my life for a year.

And if that doesn't make sense, I'm pretty sure my head has gone too deep today.

Maybe it could just be the complete opposite: having seen all the crap, and where I am now could generate a completely different response to my person.

Who knows? I'm probably not making any sense at this point.
What I do know, is that God has been so gracious. God has given me an amazing family, an amazing church family and friends and a life worth dying for. What my flesh gets hung up on is the old me. And sometimes when I'm being ridiculous, that old self wants to come back in and take up residency. Because being prideful and stubborn is easy. Especially in a world that feeds those egos. And the world whispers that into my head every day, and it makes me want to vomit.

So I am here. I am going to treat everything new. I will try my best to be genuine, and loving, to bring God glory. To allow God to bring out who He fully intended me to be. As if I'm training to run for a long time. Being prepared, being committed. Accepting the "no's" as much as the "yes'", even though sometimes it might be scary. Because, I do want this.

goals, and why not

I often find myself pondering next year. Wondering how much my environment will change in respects to sophistication and outlook on life. Then after I'm done thinking about next year, I wonder about five, then nine, then thirteen years down the road. Then I pull up to the driveway, walk in the door and start writing things down.

kinda like right now :present tense:

Why do I pursue the things I want?
Ultimately for the glory of God. Anything in my life ought to be radiant of that goal. Then, with that in mind, I map out three key areas to really just make sense of it all. And down to the specifics, I pick one solid reason and roll with it.

A. Have a plan mapped out. Time frame relative, but strict enough to be bound to it.

B. Prioritize that plan with the most feasible to the most abstract. (I've found it's ok to plan for things that seem unrealistic, and may not happen, but nonetheless great practice to prepare for.)

C. Stick to it.

And for specifics: (Two examples)
Why keep going to college? Because I want to have a solid job to be able to provide and take care of my wife. I'm gonna hate it most steps of the way, but I realize the necessity for it, and I want my wife taken care of more than my current, fickle urges to just throw school out altogether. I want to be an amazing husband.

Why know and study God's word? Because I want to be prepared for anything. If God puts me in a church plant, I want to contribute as a pillar. If God sends me over seas, I want to be well versed and prepared for anything. To know theology is to know the character of God, and that is something I crave more and more of.

And at the end of the day, there's a lot on paper. But steps are all it takes. And I think of Proverbs 16:1  The plans of the heart belong to man,
but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.

So I can be equipped for most anything, but holding on loosely is the key. Letting God's will permeate through everything. Having my heart so close to God's, that my heart's desire is God's good and perfect plan. I have my dreams, and ideas, and prospects on the horizon, but all those are nothing without the hand of God guiding me. And that's a tough pill to swallow, but a necessary one.

Girl of my dreams/future wife

Career

Musical ambition

Dreams

Residency

City of Church plant

all these things are still in motion

all these things are in God's sovereign purpose for my life.

and timing is everything. amen.

truth

truth is ugly
it is raw
there is no room for makeup
it has a way of finding us out
it's honest and sometimes cruel
it's necessary
it builds up kingdoms
and tears down empires

it is beautiful
and causes reconciliation
it's a new start
a hope
truth separates the men from the boys
and it's brought me across the line in the sand

abres los ojos▼▼▼▼▼▼▼
OPEN YOUR EYES
it's all around
/////>>>>>>>>>>>----------- +obviously.

it brings sight to the blind
a path to the wanderer
even if they decide not to see
even when they stray from the path

truth overcomes
and is not relative
and that's the truth

I need more truth in my life, and then some more.
There's no time for silly things to occupy my head.

< These are my twisted words / >

public secret

we all know
we all see
we all belong to the same fighting team

we all touch
we all feel
we all hear the same crying screams

all again we're all alone
altogether we're far from home
falling down is going up
filling up empty is never enough

colors splash into a blur of grey
fields and skies will fall away
darkness breaks with a crack of light
death is dead by the way of life

(lyrics to a song i'm working on...)

an abyss covered in flowers
a monster shielded in bloom
honey dripping from the vile
black was washed clean again

despair never remained
for hope had overcome
it tried to creep back in
good things had to stay

there was no more empty
for it had been filled up
there was no more dying
for the dead were made again

oh how I wish I had the imaginatiorium
the spectacle to draw what I dream
a pallet of digital thought patterns
in vibrant colour and fixation

all the weeds were weeded out
and the grass was never greener
especially on the other side
because we got here and immediately were convinced

past all the bad dreams and let downs
even to the road of promise
but this is all ahead
all of this has yet to happen

but it will

"I think we were made too pretty..." - As Cities Burn

art board...or is it bored?

pajama fire, ultimate combat against the bed bugs
i suppose i knew there should have been cover
but the story goes, there were white mountains
far as the eye can see
and wouldn't you know, who came along but good ol' Francine and Lyle

they had muskets and furs
blazing a trail that only went so far
and they didn't even stop when the reached the Pacific
they kept on trudging, through mirky waters and sea weed.

unbelievable, I know
but it's absolutely a true story, that I just made up.

I have themes and images pouring through my mind
perceiving things as thoughts on polaroid
and such great closeups, and vibrant colour

makes me want to splash blue and pink paint
all
over
my mahogany piano
or even just hovering over it
in shadow and green light

then create the longest paper chain, ever

you see, starting off as children's stories, and bed time lullabies
can prove to make for the greatest of imaginary worlds
and i fancy coming up with some grand story
something that provokes and art form
or chord of music

something fictionally believable.

I wake up

"A fuss, a show

I kind of want you to know

But at the same time, it takes everything to hold back.

Ok, I really want you to know.

That's besides the point, I'm not going to be evasive to my directive."

-Conversation between me and someone in my dream

I've had this same dream. And each time it furthers itself, carrying the same "story-line" but adding more detail each time. And as incredulous as it sounds, I remember a lot of it. Most dreams are flashes in the pan, as in, I think about them for the day or so after, but they just kinda flutter off. This one, it stays with me. And grows. And it's like my dream, dreams.

And I don't really appreciate much for where this dream is going, because I keep progressing further in the plot, and it keeps getting darker. Tonight, or this morning in view of the time, I woke up from it. Pretty awful. I'm having a hard time not getting psyched out about it too, just because it keeps happening.

In no way do I look into meanings with my dreams, so I'm not worried it's of any significance.

Just perplexed by the immaculate deviations of reality my mind conjures up, while I'm asleep.

A lot of it is pseudo-apocolyptic/futuristic cityscapes, but it also has people in my life in it.

Things are just getting weirder in my dream, and darker, and I think too much about it, but I needed to write it out.

Ok, I'm weird.

I like this song ↓↓↓↓↓ makes me chill out.

humans are just the worst kinds of people

I under appreciate most things.  This conclusion was made evident while I was going through old photos. Looking through photolab picture packs, various flickr accounts, friend's albums on facebook or even my journal. Needless to say, a lot has happened. A lot of good, and so much growth. That usually will get overshadowed in my mind by the current happenstance of "bad" in my life.

Why is that? I suppose maybe how I thought real life would be is dramatically different than it is now.  I viewed myself as having more than half of college finished, or on the road touring different GCM churches, playing music as a full time gig.  Neither has happened, so my projected aspirations that are innately insubstantial, weigh that over my mind. But then I realize they have no weight, so quite literally, nothing is holding me down.

The thing is, I too often look for things that should be, that aren't, instead of what they are. And I feel like the world carries this entitlement prospect around with them. Letting it loom over their heads, affecting even the smallest aspects of life. And the truth of it is, we are just the worst kinds of people. Selfish, even in one's own directive of selfishness. Being selfish is wrong altogether, but my special brand of selfish might look different than someone else's selfishness. So people have a hard time realizing that in themselves.

Depravity is inevitable. Left to our own devices, we would tear each other apart. The notion that there is no absolute truth and that realities are relative, is in fact a statement made from a stance of the truth of reality. So wisdom in man's eyes is debunked by their said wisdom. Philosophy, apart from God's truth, is just a fancy term for long winded idiocracy that carries a larger vernacular than most. But God in his providence has allowed his word to be preserved and upheld, even through man's utter destructive tendencies and selfishness. So there is a standard. A right and wrong.

This means that man's ignorance is fueled by the wonder of the unknown, but fear of it's consequences. Each man in his heart knows there is a God. But it's quite inconvenient for them to admit it, for it doesn't line up with their immorality and perception of freedom without a King. This idea is a supreme fallacy. One isn't free at all, but instead enslaved by the device that tangles around their hearts so deeply. It is a deadly poison creating this illusion of being free, but releasing the effects of the grave. How then is it still viewed as being free? One couldn't break from it even if desperately fought against.

What is freedom then? Where does it start, and where does it end? And when it ends, what happens?
Questions of rhetoric I beg you to ask. There needs to be a hero. There needs to be a way out.
_______________________________________

This is why we need saving.
This is why Jesus came, died, and resurrected.
This is why he commanded that he is the only
WAY
TRUTH
LIFE
and that NO ONE
comes to the Father,
except THROUGH Him.

And because of that grace freely given, I realize that there's more work for me to do. And I need to live for what things are, and stop pretending things are how they aren't. There's too many church plants, too many songs to write, too much time to not waste on fleeting day dreams. I don't want to be struck with sorrow in two years, wondering why I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of revenge. Jesus is King, I want to serve the best I can. All to reach the worst kinds of people, like myself.

expect the unexpected, even when it's predictable

the odds are odd
the ends are starting
the opposition is similar
like friends that are close
but enemies that are closer

analog phone dial, crack, spark

there's no more floor, there's no more direction of which way is up.
north is left and black is light

even radiohead wouldn't make sense of this
spontaneity is really hard to define
but it's so easy to spot

you can spot it miles away, even without bi-focals.

we'll be better off though, after the rain doesn't carry me off the road
and shimmering lights, blasting through the pungent nightfall.
covering the dishes with grease wont make soap seep out of burgers
but i've not lost control, that i know of.

then again, all this is ambiguous, and i'm still sorting it out-
not on note cards or sharpie on the back of my hand-
nearly enough though, it's shooting holes in my head

free, feel it running through my bones
like the atoms that make us up just jolted a little bit faster
and it's all i think about, in those moments.

i'll scrape the plaster out of the key hole
and make sure the light is left on
so that when i don't appear to be home
i'm still inside, waiting to be solicited
or even loved

well then, i'm gonna dissect this and see if lyrics will happen?

echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, and then some...

sunrise

a hope, that only comes when illuminated
a change, that beckons choirs of angels to celebrate
a new life, transformed and reconciled

waiting, with cobalt skies shimmering in a dull pulse
that knows what is destined to happen

I know what I'm waiting for, do you?
where is your hope?

will it burst through the darkest of days?
will you smile, even in the rain?

Psalm 84:10-12
For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O LORD of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!

fine, refine...

So it goes like this.

I'm thinking I have a ton of stuff figured out. But it's becoming more and more evident to me that process and order are all part of God's plan and purpose in my life. And I don't really have it yet. In fact, I wasn't even close until this last week came around. Most of it while I was painting.

What I've come to find out is painting proved to be more than a source of income at this juncture in life.  It's been time alone, reflecting, praying, thinking things through -farily diligently too, I must add- and a whole lot of God showing me things.

For instance:
When I'm painting a room, there's a specific order in completing the task that has to be done. If I diverge from certain steps, it just becomes more of a mess, more work and more clean up.  If I don't clean off a surface, dust and debris will get in the paint, and ruin the whole tray.  If I don't patch a hole up proper, it wont set and the paint wont adhere to the surface. Then I have to go back, re-sand it, re-patch and texturize, wait for it to dry and re-paint.  It becomes this awful mess that gets so bad, it wrecks every detail of the process causing more unnecessary work and cussing out inanimate objects. This happened to me a handful of times, and it was frustrating to say the least. But I soon realized the life application God was showing me. Something simple as sandpaper, mud and paint revealed that doing things in God's time, properly and with care, will let me avoid a heaping mess of trouble and wasted efforts that otherwise would have been spent furthering better plans in building my future.

I think it's safe to say that reformation in one's life is a continual process that is necessary for all, but received only by the willing. It isn't like one gets to a point that becomes a safeguard to chill out and call it good. I know that I need God to continue to refine me. But I need to ask for it, and seek it, and desire holy living. Cutting out all the expendables, and unnecessary garbage.

You see, being refined by God has two effects, that I think have three applications. Seeking God for his refinement opens yourself to His word, knowing it, living it, receiving it. It makes for prayer to have priority over most things. It causes one to desire fellowship with others who are seeking God as well. And when one seeks God for that, refinement comes inward; sorting out impurities and enabling good character building qualities to enter.

Secondly, by doing this, we are breaking down the callousness and de-sensitivity, burning up the flaws and imperfections in our wicked hearts, and we make ourselves open to God's call for sanctification. Then one's susceptibility to be diverted back into the world is overpowered by one's desire to honor, love and serve God. So it inevitibly refines one's heart to put forth and outward expression of these things.  (i.e. the fruits of the Spirit: see Galatians 5 ) This is an expressive action that is beneficial to all, and glorifying to God. The ultimate goal of salvation by grace through faith is to become a more loving person. This achieves the ultimate goal of the gospel, to make disciples of all nations. Those two combined accomplishes the ultimate goal of giving God all the glory.

The three applications that I've drawn from this are humility, patience and endurance.

I realize that anything worth having won't come easy. Especially if I'm not disciplined enough.  God won't give me anything I can't handle, and in most cases others view that towards trials and hardships.  I am viewing this in light of good things! God won't give me a great job right now, because I can't handle it right now-why? I'm not disciplined enough.  God won't give me a girlfriend to pursue, love and grow with right now-why? I'm not disciplined enough.  God won't let me take the easy road out and just play music for a living-because then I don't learn anything and use it as a scapegoat. In this, or any case, I need to be humble to what God has planned, and wait for it with patience and endurance.

This isn't to say that these things aren't in store for my future. I'm not denying that God has the greatest job fit for me, that will honor him, build his kingdom and make for me to be a homeowner and provider of my future family. I know God has an absolutely godly, amazingly stunning, intelligent and beautiful wife, who he made to be perfect for me, and I for her, in my future. And with music, if I only get to write worship songs for my local church the rest of my life, I'd consider it more of an honor than having a double platinum album from a disconnected band that's bigger than Coldplay or U2, all because one solitary soul was brought from death to life, by the power of God, from hearing a simple song.

God is more concerned with the quality and strength of my characteristic integrity and self discipline right now. And right now, that has priority for concern, rather than what I have or don't have. I'm convinced that once it's more effective for me to build God's kingdom with a legit job or in relationship with an incredible woman, it'll happen.

What does all this mean?

Getting ready for refinement, reproof, and continual accountability, to willingly ask God for it. To get all the crap out of my heart. To not desire the things of this world. Moving all the bulked up garbage I just let sit.  Come to think of it, I don't even know the mentality behind having a "junk drawer". It's just an excuse to not be disciplined or organized. Sure, a rubber band or half pad of paper might come in handy at some point, but there are more benefits to not having it than there are to keep having it.  And I think that mentality plagues over into one's life.  I know it does for me. And I think that I need to not be a white washed tomb, or cover up the cracks with wax like Bill was talking about in his sermon last Saturday (06/06/10).

In summation, I need more conviction on being self controlled. I need God to lead me into the way of everlasting. I need all the help I can get. I need to pay attention too. Lazarus didn't raise himself from the dead, in fact there was no way for him to respond to Jesus calling him back to life. He simply got back up when Jesus called him. I need Jesus to refine me continually, and I need to be willing to ask for it now that I'm aware of it and the implications it holds. Then I think in light of all this, how good is my God to even make this available to me? That he would show me the error of my sinful ways, and give me loving correction that he desires for me to have a full life. This might be something worth considering for yourself too, whomever has read this. God is good. I'm greatly thankful for this insight God has shown me, and I'm keen to see what the next few months will hold.

In Christ,
Hayden

mirrors

i can see what's wrong

but looking wont fix it

i can see the cracks

but wax wont cover it

i can feel the heat

and time will only tell

i embrace grace

so there's nothing to fear

i have hope

and it'll be a long road

i'm encouraged

which is a good start

i can know what's behind

without looking back

i can see what's ahead

even with my eyes wide shut

more and more i learn to trust God

whether i submit to learn or not

music flows through my veins

but it's now infused with common sense

dreams are just that

even though they reoccur

and even when i feel i'm slipping

i'm still getting somewhere

"we're half awake, in a fake empire"-the national

windmills

bring me down to the fields of green and blue

barefoot spinning in the tall grass and soft earth

castle clouds, engulfing the panoramic skies

sunlight down the back of my neck, like warm kisses of yellow

deep breath, this is where I'll be forever

content smile, open hands swaying through the air

light breezes carrying a wave of aroma from lilacs and cherry blossoms

this space, so open, so free and pure

i would be a fool not to go

come with me, love

we will meet when we get there

my prayer

there is this reoccurring dialogue with God that I have. it gets me to this place at which I feel like nothing can hold me down. but it's somewhat sobering too.

you see, I get way ahead of myself. to a point that these hair brained ideas populate and start running a muck in my mind.  and commitment becomes an issue-or should I say, lack of commitment.  at any rate, I've got a plan now.  I put it on paper, and it's binding and contractual, so that I don't run off and do something irrational that sets me back to square one.

the reality that strikes me, and catches me off guard and really brings out the impurities of my pride is this:

I need to be 110% ok with whatever God has for me.

if I never get to see the road and tour playing music, so be it.
if I get in an accident and lose a hand, never to be the same, so be it.
if I am taken away from the things I know, so be it.
if I never get married or find the one I love, so be it.
if I go blind and can never see the beautiful things in my life again, so be it.
if I get in a car wreck and become paralyzed, so be it.
if one of my parents die, or falls sick with crippling illnesses, so be it.

the ultimate goal of salvation is sanctification to make me a more loving person.
that brings God glory.  and bringing God glory is the ultimate goal of everything.
sanctification is continual, which means constant refinement, which means growing more in love.
and since God is love, and God is also outside of time, that makes Him infinite, so love is infinite.
which means an ever growing relationship with God, and eternally growing in love.

that is a difficult stance to take.  the weight and breadth of that thought.  this is the lump in my throat.
through anger at difficulties, joy in destination and tears for sorrow, so be it-for God will be praised.

as of late, my prayers have taken this format:

Thank you God for the wonderful things you've done
for your truth, life bringing love and justice
for the Cross and that the lost will come to repentance of sin
that people will find Jesus, accept grace, and have new life
for the beautiful people who are in my life
for the family and friends you've brought me to be a part of
for what you're doing at the Rock and it's leaders/musicians
let me be eager and willing to follow you daily
forgive me of my wicked heart and sin
let me endure through trials and consider it joy
let me be excited to share truth
create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

but I also try and mix it up every now and again.

I am so incredibly excited for how God is moving, and to see what he's gonna do in my lifetime.