+ you first loved me +

there would be no distance that could hold us back

today was a regular day. in respects that I've not had a regular day in quite some time.

there has been a lot going on, and I'm not even the same person as last week.

Letting myself go deep into thought, I poked my index finger through the spaces in the wicker furniture out back. It was one of those lucid moments, when everything came rushing back in. When the sun breaks through the apricot tree, and a wafting wall of lilac aroma. Cotton dancing in the air, and I began thinking about right now, then. I started remembering who I loved, genuinely and without regard to our economy. I had all these big ideas and inspirations for being super, and living a glorifying life for God. Being a husband. Having a family. Planting a church. And those all very well can be in the next few years.

Then my thought broke, because my dog Teddy dropped his tennis ball at my feet.

For some reason it melted my heart! He's my bud. My eleven year old pal. I grew up with him, gained companionship.  I looked in his semi-hazy grey eyes, and the saddening reality that one day I'm gonna lose him came over me. It made me appreciate him so much more today, than I think ever before.

Then I thought about how Grandpa Jack isn't with me. God took him home. And when I think about heaven, and leaving, I don't know honestly if I'm saddened more by his not being with me, or me not being there with him, worshiping Jesus face to face. He was my best friend. Roll model and hero. And there are times when I'm deeply saddened by his absence from my life, for selfish reasons, but nonetheless I regain joy to know that He came to relationship with Jesus the last few years of his life. That he responded to Jesus' love.

And Jesus loved me first too. And that is overwhelming, and merciful. He could have given me justice, but he didn't. He gave me mercy, and grace, and a family, best friends, music. Because so much pulls at my skin, often I'm not even listening; then on days like today, I remember these things. I listen.

Oddly enough, listening closely makes me see clearer too.

An audible, optical response that activates my heart...wild thought!

That you Jesus, that you first loved me.