track record

Training to run, for a long time
It's preparation
It's commitment
And accepting the "yes'" and "no's"
Asking, "Do I want this?"

It's scary. truthfully, it can be.
But everything I'm doing today will impact, by chain reaction, everything I'll be doing next year.

Here's the pressing thought in my head the last few days:
Has my past, my history, my track record caused others to not think fondly of me?
Have my actions, ugly and disgraceful, made it easy for me to be shut out?

I am convinced of doing lots of good for the Lord. Contributing the best I can for His Kingdom. But more often than not, the bad things outweigh the good. Or at least in this train of thought/blog post.

Hear me out.

In my past, I've not been the best person to grow up around. Most viewed me at some point or another as an asshole. Just being completely honest. And I can't help but think for those who've known me more than 2 years, to where I mark the beginnings of change, if they don't still have a bad taste in their mouth about me in some respects or areas of life. But I know in my heart of hearts I've tried my best to reconcile, and move on and let God make me into something better. Something new. Something else entirely. And it's a continuous work in progress, but I feel like I'm really picking up speed. This is my honest, shameless, self-reflection of where I am as of today.

And it might be really awkward too. The coming of age story where everyone sorta parts ways for a while, and you're left with teenage perceptions, and versions of people/friends in your mind. Then at some point, your roads come back together and everything is different, and it has shock value, but a lot of questions loaded with it too. The obstacle is overcoming what you knew, or even getting over the missing history. The trial is "starting over", if you will.

I liken it to this-
There's a stark difference in an eye witness account and an perceived end result. And what I mean by that is: A bachelor's degree will get you a good paying job, based on a decision making boss seeing the end result certification, with all the implied work affiliated in your said title.
Now, had that same boss seen all the things you failed at, wrong decisions you made and bad choices of character along the way, regardless of you attaining that degree, you most likely would get a different, negative response from the overseer.

So basically, someone who's been in my life for 5+ years will have an entirely different perspective on me than someone who's been in my life for a year.

And if that doesn't make sense, I'm pretty sure my head has gone too deep today.

Maybe it could just be the complete opposite: having seen all the crap, and where I am now could generate a completely different response to my person.

Who knows? I'm probably not making any sense at this point.
What I do know, is that God has been so gracious. God has given me an amazing family, an amazing church family and friends and a life worth dying for. What my flesh gets hung up on is the old me. And sometimes when I'm being ridiculous, that old self wants to come back in and take up residency. Because being prideful and stubborn is easy. Especially in a world that feeds those egos. And the world whispers that into my head every day, and it makes me want to vomit.

So I am here. I am going to treat everything new. I will try my best to be genuine, and loving, to bring God glory. To allow God to bring out who He fully intended me to be. As if I'm training to run for a long time. Being prepared, being committed. Accepting the "no's" as much as the "yes'", even though sometimes it might be scary. Because, I do want this.