Room 342

Another Friday night spent in a hotel room.
Another weekend away, and Monday is just around the corner.
The weeks are flying by, there isn't any time for anything it feels like.

So, here I sit in my room, at not my desk, with a jarring headache. I'm in the middle of projects, damage control, looming deadlines, new campaigns, after a long, hard, freezingly painful day, and all I can think of is how I want to record these musical ideas that haven't left me since I left Salt Lake. All I can think of is Moby, how someone a while ago said I had the confidence and creative vision of Don Draper (independently of them knowing I like that show, and him...as much as a Christian can and should like someone like Don Draper...), and that I want to be in my own bed and be home reading my books.

It's nice to go to the bar and order whatever, and say "charge it to my room".
I wish all of life were like that, but then again, I'd be foolish and the dessert wouldn't be a sweet treat anymore. Everything would be vain, more than it is now, and the thrill of the chase would be rabbits and foxes eating each other with no order to red tape and formalities.

What I mean to say is, it's a hell of a situation. Everything is taken care of, because I am forced to have my life remote from my life, and it's a nice luxury, but pales grossly in comparison to actually being home, and actually being with those I love. All I want is to be around and look you in the eyes and hear you talk and smile because it's all so real.

The Calvinist

A poem by John Piper

See him on his knees,

Hear his constant pleas:

Heart of ev’ry aim:

“Hallowed be Your name.”

See him in the Word,

Helpless, cool, unstirred,

Heaping on the pyre

Heed until the fire.

See him with his books:

Tree beside the brooks,

Drinking at the root

Till the branch bear fruit.

See him with his pen:

Written line, and then,

Better thought preferred,

Deep from in the Word.

See him in the square,

Kept from subtle snare:

Unrelenting sleuth

On the scent of truth.

See him on the street,

Seeking to entreat,

Meek and treasuring:

“Do you know my King?”

See him in dispute,

Firm and resolute,

Driven by the fame

Of his Father’s name.

See him at his trade.

Done. The plan is made.

Men will have his skills,

If the Father wills.

See him at his meal,

Praying now to feel

Thanks and, be it graced,

God in ev’ry taste.

See him with his child:

Has he ever smiled

Such a smile before,

Playing on the floor?

See him with his wife,

Parable for life:

In this sacred scene

She is heaven’s queen.

See him stray. He groans.

“One is true,” he owns.

“What is left to me?

Fallibility.”

See him in lament

“Should I now repent?”

“Yes. And then proclaim:

All is for my fame.”

See him worshipping.

Watch the sinner sing,

Spared the burning flood

Only by the blood.

See him on the shore:

“Whence this ocean store?”

“From your God above,

Thimbleful of love.”

See him now asleep.

Watch the helpless reap,

But no credit take,

Just as when awake.

See him nearing death.

Listen to his breath,

Through the ebbing pain:

Final whisper: “Gain!”

Oh!

There's some things that I say in confidence, that articulate my willingness to be selectively vulnerable.

There is also my unwavering resolve to not ever back down, especially to cowards, "cool boys ", and the like…

I'm not afraid to kick someone's ass who will mess with, cause harm, or inflict duress on those whom I love. Whether it be physical or otherwise. There will be destruction where necessary. 

I have a vision, and a plan, and I know what I want. Be gracious, Hayden, but don't throw discernment out with the bath-water. Be kind and meek, but be able to hold fast against the blistering winds of this world. Look everyone in the eye, and be in that moment. Life, love, learning, growing, hope. Future and all of it's belongings will unfold without my will, so, I do what I can in harmony with what God has. 

I know who I love, I know what I want to do for my remainder on this Earth, and I will fight and serve and love and die on this road to KINGDOM. Mark my words. 

What Would I Say? Pt. 1

I've been introduced to this new site that will ultimately be the end of me. Science, lines of code, and algorithms have taken everything I've said on Facebook and mixed them up into phrases. Below are a few samplings of what this website has come up with...and please forgive me for the occasional heresy that pops up.

(It is inevitable when you post as many verses, quotes, and jokes as I do)

"That awkward moment when you're single"
"It really impacts my life for the beginning of the THINGS"
"Let me learn by paradox that the repenting soul is consumed with sin"
"He is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but take heed of those small beginnings of a life committed to him beholding your wall."
"Let me find my life committed to innocence..."
"'Duh Seth.' - Mark Driscoll"
"John 10:11 Jesus said, I may come on down to the Lord. What Jesus says here is my life to be for the Killers."

And there are so many more, and so hilarious! Check it out for yourself:

www.what-would-i-say.com

salt

May I never lose it
May you always be the fragrance
May the light never dim
May the sound never cease
May the words never end
May the silence find its place

Keep me fierce. Loving. Discerning. Salt and light.

May our world fall to ruin
May your grace prevail
May the justice of God judge
May KINGDOM come soon(er)


Cities on hillsides burning into the night, exalt, make Thou name great, for Thou art worthy.

the sweetest thing

The frontier of profession and thick atmosphere is continually beckoning my name. There's something about that moment, that synapse of sound and emotion, which allows you to reach deeper in someone's soul than they even let their closest friends. God gave me this thing, this insatiable outpouring of being that. Of, I don't know what you'd call it, because I don't know what I'd call it either, connecting with perfect strangers, and making your companions understand everything and beyond with the fixation of a listening room - listening to every. last. note.

I've reached a new climate. I've found this sweet spot, this departure of being dictated by convention, of saying to hell with the box and think about things in new ways. Perspective has afforded me the broadest view of the most unscathed landscape you ever imagined. Sometimes when you think of "what's out there", your mind might snap to a world like Middle Earth, or the Never Ending Story, or even some transcendent planet of utopian proportions. I assure you, it's even more.

I'm not so much only thinking about what heaven is like, it's more like I want to start living for it more consciously. Everything that I'm going to do is going to be founded upon pushing people towards Jesus. That's all leadership is. That's all caring is. That's all holiness is. And not in some contrived way do I use the word "all", by means to degrade it or reduce it to a simple facet of life. I simply mean to say, all of it added up, all that I'm doing is going to bring people along the road with me to KINGDOM.

Music, friendships, my girl when God shows me her, any-thing-church-related. Ministry is full life. Coram Deo. All things before the face of God. Ministry isn't something slated on planned servanthood, or whatever that site is. Ministry isn't on a day. Ministry isn't something you sign up for, it's something that you're elected to.

Jesus is convicting my heart in a lot of ways. I'm going to live as a pastor should live. I'm going to love as a pastor should love. I'm going to stand for the truth as a pastor should. I'm going to prayerfully and carefully know the truth of Jesus and all that entails, because His sheep know His voice. God, the sweetest thing is to live for THAT day. And all your potential you gave me, all the gifts and skills I have, all the resources I can use, I want to give it for you and make the most. Work hard, work harder, enjoy life, enjoy salvation today. Enjoy it because that's all I can do, it's simple idiocy to not enjoy it.

God has given me music, that's the biggest thing. That's so intangible and makes the least sense to most onlookers, but it's a me and God thing. That's what makes me tick. That's part of his glory in my heart. Amen.

musings of an old mind in a twenty-first century body

Oh what lengths I've gone
The stones I've thrown
And whispers swallowed

The muck and mire hath not betrayed me
For I know my origin, I know whence I was birthed
My father is of dust, and my bondage shall wither
In a moment, and a flash, and the swiftest stroke
I AM will take the soul that I am

Rain and dreary will subdue my anger for today
The clouds of protection guard me from venom
And space decay will never set hold my mind


I will always run towards that day
Never will I desire anything greater
For longer
For better

I will take for me a bride
For I was made for her
and she was made for me

And we will run towards THAT day
we will run through woodlands
through hardships
through hiphop clubs
the urban slump of the death of Christendom
and we will love our God, and each other
AND I WILL HOLD ON SO GRATEFULLY
because each breath is a gift
and each breath of hers is a gift


I will find her, my maiden, my bride, the wife of my youth
for she will be along the same road in my pursuit of KINGDOM.

Irresistible

“Grace is the celebration of life, relentlessly hounding all the non-celebrants in the world. It is a floating, cosmic bash shouting its way through the streets of the universe, flinging the sweetness of its cassations to every window, pounding at every door in a hilarity beyond all liking and happening, until the prodigals come out at last and dance, and the elder brothers finally take their fingers out of their ears.” 

- Robert Farrar Capon

Ode to Yesteryear

There's that young, restless heart again. So wily, so off the cuff. Actually, I don't think that I wore cuffs often enough to consider any of my actions not riddled with spontaneity.

Late nights, tired eyes, rock and roll music that really makes my heart feel like it was all a dream until now. Waking up, driving to numb, I find things that pull me back to getting butterflies and having less of an iron constitution.

Reality hits, the record player screeches to a halt. I forgot to water the plants, I have two bills and freelance bids due that I'd much rather bid adieu. The clock ticks on, and there's not a solitary thing I can do to stop it. Sadly, I never learned French like I wanted to, and I haven't gotten to that washboard physique that would make me photo worthy of Billboard's Hit 100 chart in a nice modern gentleman's suit. Or at least be friends with Ryan Gosling.

I was never one for skinny ties, and I certainly have no skinny ties because I'm half British and my dad eats victory and protein shakes for breakfast each morning. Genetics says I'll have husky bloom, thanks to coach. I'm still working to be fit though, but for reasons of stewardship. Image isn't everything, because all is vanity. My silver lining comes in when the bass drops, and mulling over all my influences musical and otherwise have started to find their home amidst the cogs and colored shapes that make of the musical parts of my heart and mind. I'm appreciative of these things building up inside, but I'm dangerously itching to open the floodgates before this levy breaks.

There's a younger me that never got to be, and he's living locked up without a key. He never got the chance, he never received the benefit of the doubt, he never knew how to say what he meant. So, he slips me notes every now and again, flipping light switches that I forgot were even there. Some things you just can't go back to, and the things I've done are all for a reason, and the things I never got to do aren't lost. This isn't the end. Finishing an album isn't an end. Buying a house or getting married aren't the finish line. These are all just checkpoints, and that kid kicks my heart to remind me of the fiery passion I used to have. Keeps me from being gray and predictable. Keeps me from being hopelessly adorable like Harold Krick.

Well, the passion is still there...just buried underneath receipts, calendar notifications, spilled coffee and Coldplay vinyl sleeves. I'm only in my mid twenties, and I feel older, and look older still. Pick up the needle and start it over, but flip it to side B please.

Thanks,

The Management.

Another Day

I've never experienced such a rush, a burst of everything.
The last few weeks have been remarkable for writing new songs.
Lots of singing, so many things to say, so real and I can't believe what's happening.

Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's a stir I've never known, but autumn has got me thinking about life, love, fire, and giving it all away. It's remarkable, but when things are not ideal, or when the people around you aren't who you expected to end up with, there really is a change of pace.

Where my treasure is, what I value and what means the most to me, is where my heart will be also.
Making strides and efforts and painstaking advanced to do the things I want to do. It's never been a matter of ability, no. It's always been a matter of wills. A matter of "is this something I absolutely want." Because in that case, it doesn't matter how I get there, if I want it, I will get there.

So, Jesus is the center, Jesus is my all. If my desire is to follow him, truly and unadulterated, then no matter the means, I will follow. All secondary and tertiary things follow suit in the same principle.

A lot is before me, and even more is behind me. I'm thankful for where God has me.

some of all of the things

That moment when you cry, because your heart is stirred so much and brimming with so many of the things. And part of crying is because you can actually feel. And another part of it is that you're shocked it's actually still in there, connected, and living. And the biggest part is that people are dying, and people are going on their own ways and all you want is for Jesus to make it all better and take you away.

THIS life or any life, or even by definition of the meaning and worth of life, is not meant to be alone.

My heart breaks for my grandmother, she has lost her love for over a decade now. She still kicks on.
My heart breaks for my brother, he's lost all sense of what love is meant to be and bought into the lie.
My heart breaks for my coworkers, and their workaholism and listless identities in fleeting things.
My heart breaks for this city, because it looks so nice and beautiful, but so are white washed tombs.
My heart breaks, and that's cause for joy, because in all things I aim to worship my Lord.
My heart breaks, and I'm relieved that I'm a son.
My heart breaks, and the hope and weight of future glory on that day keeps me running.
My heart breaks because the weight of this world hits so hard.
My heart breaks when I feel alone and that my days are passing too quickly, and I want to love for realsies this time.

My heart is healed because of the work and grace of Christ my King.
Jesus heals an ever breaking heart, and he is my peace and comfort.
And to know that it's ok to have a broken and contrite heart makes it easier to cry over things that really matter, and that my heart is to be a son who really matters and gives each possible passing moment to my Father who so graciously and generously gives life and all it's inhabitants; not alone.

Rugged and Refined

There's not much of a difference between a gentleman and a mountain man. I mean to say, a proper gentleman, and a real mountain man. The contrast is in the polish, but otherwise, they are the same man.

Etiquette and manners is essentially consideration and respect. A gentleman stands when a lady approaches the table, enters a room, or upon the exchange of salutations. He holds the door open, offers to light her cigarette, gives her his coat when there's a chill or sign of rain, and always esteems her with the utmost respect. He isn't afraid to work hard, and in fact he does. He will be sure to speak his mind, but with thought and poise. His respect for the common man transcends his personal preferences. He knows his personal preferences, and there's an elegance in his confidence. He is refined and outstanding.

A mountain man works hard to provide food, shelter, protection and comfort for his woman, and family if applicable. His attire suits him for his needs pertaining to the season, and he always shows himself presentable after a long day's work. He fights off wolves and hostile natives to defend his woman and his plot. He tames horses and bridles oxen for their braun and power. His kindredness and hospitality are known throughout the land for those who perhaps wander along his way. His giving hand is reinforced by his working arm. He works hard, and isn't afraid to get dirty. He has his principles and convictions, and with him belongs the utmost respect and attentive ear. He knows his personal preferences, and enjoys the fruit of God's creation. There's a sophistication to his simple life, yet he is rugged and outstanding.

Different times, different places, different appearances, but these men are entirely too much the same because of character and integrity. And even more so that God has made them both. These personifications can also be held by the same man; inseparable except for what the eye perceives.

It's not like that...I promise.

room to breathe

And then all made clean, I saw upon the screen all the stones I throw....

Time for focus, patience, grace, and a higher road. It's going to be a good thing no matter what, but I feel as though it'll take some time, and certainly a lot more prayer. I've grown accustomed to staying on the side lines, but anymore, I'm going to remain by your side. In the thick of it, in the moment of it, in the heat of pressure and uncertainty. That's the biggest step of faith, putting all my chips in.

Never did I imagine any of this, but it's all that's on my mind now. I cannot see beyond this fragile piece of life, but I can seem to see everyone else's. So, I stay the course, and trust the Lord. Otherwise, I'm undone.

I dissolve and break and then away I crawl, and then away I crawl.

time is on my side

When I remember all the time I've wasted on silly things, I laugh with a jab of bewilderment and sarcasm as I cover the pit in my stomach. I never wanted to say I could have done more, or been more, but there are realities that come up through the refinement to prove otherwise.

I don't have regret, I have sorrow and repentance, sans condemnation.

Today, well, today is new. I am a Christian. I'm not a single Christian, I'm a Christian who is single right now. That doesn't define me. Sure, I make mention that I want a woman, a real woman who is dead set on Kingdom come, who will love Jesus more than me and whip me into shape. Even that I struggle days going on without her. But, nevertheless, that doesn't define me. I am a Christian who plays music. That doesn't define me, although I love music so very much and want to use what God has given me well. I am a Christian who works a lot, but that doesn't define me. Making more money than most 25 year olds make doesn't define me, although I realize it's a kind provision from the Lord and he's enabled me to do things beyond my imagination. Materials don't define me. Assets and possessions don't define me. I am a Christian.

Horizontal relationships come second. My chief end is to glorify God as an obedient son. I want closeness and vibrancy. Radiate grace and seriousness, and joy and the sorrow of living in this world of sin. Jesus, bring me so close. I want to be the man that God made for her, for them, for those whom I love dearly and those who I don't know yet.

Even as I write this, the Scientist comes on, and as tears well up in my eyes, I remember that nobody said it was easy, and that I'm going back to the start - my first love. Thank you Jesus that you define me. That I am yours and that you keep letting me come back.

Terms and Conditions pt 1

1 Peter 3:17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.

No one really reads the iTunes terms and conditions before downloading the newest software update, or the e-signature tax filing agreement on H&R Block's website, or even the healthcare forms of consent before visiting the doctor. Yet these things are legally binding agreements I agree to, and could have huge implications on my life if something went awry. These agreements have weight over our lives.

In the same way, I see that tendency in my own life as I read the Bible. Some days I will be reading out of habit or because I know I should, and gloss over it until I know I'm getting to a familiar verse, or even think to myself I "understand the jist of this..." when all I should be doing is striving to know the whole council of God. To know line upon line, precept upon precept. Why would I act this way? It's not always on purpose, it's mostly from a lack of discipline and lolly-gagging around in daydream land. Not only does Scripture hold weightier implications on my life today, but eternally; immeasurably more than said documents I flippantly consent to. Knowing God by his revealed word means that I need to focus in devotional times, and not go down mental rabbit trails as God is trying to speak to me.

Well this morning I read the verse above found in 1 Peter 3, and I was struck by three major principles. It caused for a hard look at my life, even now despite the many areas of life and ministry where I esteem to obey and serve The Lord. God spoke to me in a still small voice, and yet so profoundly. Again with this regular theme in my life of "well of course that's true", they are seemingly simple principles, but life changing altogether. They are as follows:

1. As if God said this to my heart, "Hayden, of course you will face suffering. You have suffered in the past and Jesus himself said in this world you will have tribulation. I do not delight in your pain, but rather I have a plan that your parochial, finite view cannot see, and I do want you to grow in holiness closer to me. The principle of the refiner's fire, the true test of character, the Holy Spirit being sent to you as Jesus prayer is recorded in John 17, the author of Hebrews calling Christ the Author AND Perfector of your faith - seeing my faith to it's full completion." All that truth coupled with the reality that, yes, suffering is inevitable. It may and probably will look different than the suffering of 1st and 2nd century Christians, suffering the Jews faced in Auschwitz, or even what Arab Christians face today in the Middle East, but suffering exists all the same. Even just being in the flesh and having to have a knowledge of the law and then exposed to rampant sin, as Paul expressed in Romans 7. Suffering, in whichever form God allows for my life or those around me, in pagan 21st Century America, is ultimately for his glory, and not our resting place, but thorn bushes we have to press through on this straight and narrow path through the valley of the shadow of death. 

Time fails me to write the rest of my thoughts today, so points two and three will be addressed in follow up posts. I'm incredibly grateful that God is bringing me out of this plateau stage of life and into the running again. Soli Deo Gloria.

if it's possible

I'll try to leave things better than when I found them.
I'll try so much to pick out the pieces from the fallen sadness.
My own, and yours. That moment when I lost it, lost you.

Sometimes all that cures what ails me is a night alone, whiskey, thinking and a record player.

But I also want to be happy and have fun and not leave places feeling alone and bitter, even if I am bitter. There's always garbage to deal with, so I have to know I'm more of the rule than the exception. The sad reality we face is that the hardest thing about our lives is not getting what we want, and treading in knee deep regret. I'm trying to break out of those shackles and hold a better, new perspective and allow God's sovereignty to permeate other areas of my heart. There's time to be stringent, and deliberate, and even opinionated, but when it comes to important things, there's no room to tuck fhings up.

This autumn air I feel at night is perfect. These leaves are turning a new me.
Gotta stay real, and be encouraging because God gave me the gift of contagiousness, and I realize that.
God is teaching me so many things - I'm leveling out of this plateau and headed on the upswing. Too many things to get straight or worry about, but so much to gain and I'm so grateful. God is mostly teaching me to be objective, even keeled, compassionate, and be personal again.

Self serving satisfaction has no place here, even though it fights to come back and stay.

Plan for the future.
Almost out of debt.
I was never robbed of years.
IRA, Savings, Assets.
Things that matter in one sense.
More important pressing matters now.
Where should I go?
Just because I can doesn't mean I should.
Listen to the bass drop, and that pulse.
Fill up my life, and the room, and my heart.
Too many leaks, wallet is burning.
Self control, patience, grace.
Will I ever have wisdom, even if I shave my head always?
No grey hairs, no protection from the sun.
Just telling dad jokes and talking about theology, guns, and music.
My life has to be more than summed up in a few wanna-be poetic phrases.

It has to be.
No more letting things slip by.
No more forgetting people.
Too much is at stake.

Let's go.

"If everyone was doing what you are doing, would the world be reached with the Gospel?"
-Herschel Martindale

A cause for pause - I am really stoked on the last month of sermons at church. Bill, Mac, Josh and Steele have killed it and really really hit home on a lot of areas in my life. I'm also elated that they've addressed hard, but necessary truth to the church. Some very pointed topics that serve as good reminders and new things to consider in the continual sanctification of the body. It takes about 20 years to reform a church, and I'm working tirelessly, hard, and with joy towards that end. Not in a way that would make us be Presbyterian or Lutheran, but in a way that takes a seeker sensitive group and actually reaffirms the Saints as the Church and that corporate worship is for the believer to bring and offer worship to God by way of adoration, praise, opening their hearts for the message, conviction, encouragement, and obedient participation in ministries and evangelism.

This D.A. Carson book is amazing, and I'm so glad God has kept me single to participate in this study.
These sections in Luke we'll go over have some really incredible things to learn.
Real, authentic Christianity that I pray causes waves in SLC more.
It's been a decade, but it also feels like the beginning.
Here I am, Lord, teach me your ways, show me your grace.
Soli Deo Gloria.

days gone by

It seems that all of life needs to fit in before 9AM and from 6PM to midnight. And boy, you better believe me when I say, I pray for nights to fall asleep by 10, but I'm so wired that when I lay down, my heart wont stop bleeding and all I can think about is the clinching of my jaw and what I didn't get done.

Sometimes I psyche myself out because I don't really know the date, or how far into summer it is, or what's coming up next. I told my mother that I love her, and appreciate giving me her life, and that it's time for me to get out. I don't have anywhere to put my things, and driving home is a part time job. Aside from where I sleep at night, my life has been so wrote. I have not taken a vacation for myself, and all time off is sucked away by doing things the church asks me to do. I'm not upset by it, it'll be my life the rest of my days, I just want to find someone to love and give her that foremost. It'd be nice to actually pursue things that make me happy instead of feeling grey and paid and sour. And it's one of those things where I don't want to wake up and be 32 and still here. Forgetting days, not having the time I want for the things I want. It's hard to see what God wants and has for me with all these fish in a barrel. Sometimes I look at people I used to know and want to know and the only thing I can do is force a smirked smile and think, "What in the hell happened?"

Who can love, really? Maybe I have no capacity for it anymore. It'll be 25 years for me next week, a decade since I've been coming to church, so I really pray God gives me a fresh chapter and new slate to paint the next five years red and live in the black.

I AM says who I am

I have to start giving myself more slack and live in grace. There's this feeling of incompleteness I'm getting over. I'm not who I think I am, I'm not even who others think I am. C'mon man, get back to it, you are who God sees you and knows you to be.

Fearfully, wonderfully made. Redeemed. Yet, the temporal quickly gives way to seeing what I don't have, or haven't done, or where I lack. Struggling through things, because holiness does hurt.

No one can fall in love with a résumé. Accolades don't give reason for existence. Purpose is found only in Christ. So yes, keep pressing for notable and high goals, but they aren't measurements for success, worth, or even validation. God won't give me things that I will let become idols. 

A house is a good thing to push towards, but it doesn't define me. A woman is a gift from God, but she won't save my broken heart, and I can't view a wife as a savior from the things I don't want to deal with. A six figure income can be used to worship God in different ways, but not more than where I am now. 

I guess there are new views The Lord has been showing me in regards to personal worth as a son, and stewardship because this time and place I've been put into existence. Simple truth for some, but being finite and so easily over-saturated, I forget too quickly.

That's why scripture always points to Christ over and over and over, because that's how much we forget. 

Soli Deo Gloria

it's about time

Things are good. God is blessing me, even though some days I get parochial and just want to be elsewhere. God has given me unreal positions, and I feel like He has been doing a lot with my life before turning a quarter of a century.

I have gotten to that point of letting people in, so to speak. And I try my hand and having people over, or instigating connections, or even just being social and trying to hang, but I can't force it, so I won't. And it's certainly nice to have switched up my hangout gang as of late. Gives me a fresh pallet of realness that I miss out on, and laughter. Real hearted belly laughs. Most my time is spent with J and the college kids, or Paige and her house. And then I go on trips with Tadd, of course.

And in the silent times, the more "no one gets to see times", I pray a lot for others. It's been a real blessing to reach out to people and care for them. It's been a God thing to show me new ways of looking at life, and praying for others, and participating in God's plan. I'm less focused on myself and what I deem as have nots, but learn thankfulness and a spoonful of "keep waiting son."

Waiting for God to move is terrifying, because I spend a lot of time preparing to be ready, but when it happens, he makes the cogs turn. I feel like a Pinball bouncing around, off bumpers and into 20,000 point pockets that spit me out ramps and past flashing lights. How do I make sense of any of this? I don't really. I just go with it, when God moves quick.

I want Seth to have a healthy baby and amazing family. I want Tim to find an amazing woman and get a better position for work. I want Joseph to grow stronger, work hard, and find an awesome woman. I want my band to do great things. I pray for this a lot. I pray that these dudes get to see their full lives bloom into even more greatness. And I want to love and serve them and with them.

All of these things are taking shape, and it's about time that I've found the edges. I have something to work with; work for. Maybe it's me, but this struggle is a good thing. This life is a curious beauty to unravel and never know the other things. I just cannot wait to wear a jacket again, and see if I can't make some magic and mess and do things better this time around.

That's what I come back to, is if this time around, I get things right, then there wont be a next time around, because theres nothing to come back to - just go on down the narrow until Kingdom come.

you had me at spelling "You're" and using "too" correctly

Dark matter, mad hatter, grey areas, ink to splatter.

Think through the last time you heard a song that pulled on your heart strings.
The recompense to a broken heart. The time you wish you should have but didn't.

Lips tight, daylight, everything is all right.

You can hear it swirling just underneath the surface. The realization of "THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS" and your heart and breathing quicken to uncontrollable levels. It feels so raw, scary, ...good.

I promise that there's nothing lost when you come back home.
They keep telling me that. All of it makes so much sense, and yet is so far off.

And then you think, we'll eventually have to make out and stuff.
Science and love and wind, and then we realize that it got cold outside, and bliss.

Lightbulb

Then it came upon me, like a drenching Nebraska rainstorm; if there is no one here, then I'll have to go. But where? Maybe it's a matter of when?

I can hold my breath for a long time, and let my patience wear as thin as hot wax paper. I can hold my own, but not a candle to the old and weary. Hanging by a thread, these things in life are mere strands of twine wanting nothing more than to bunch up to make a noose and slip around my head every day until I walk in places too deep for my own good. Either way, I can keep ahead of indecisiveness. This town is deserted. It's too small for the one of me. It makes the anticipation build until curiosity rears it's little head through the clouds onto the giant's castle. I'm not climbing up to look ahead, or scout the land. I won't go on a wild goose chase, even if she lays golden eggs. No, I'm just getting my footing back, I feel. There can't possibly be any time left for me to follow rabbit trails. Unlike Mr. Frost, I am not the least bit sorry I cannot travel both. Deserted, in a desert. Not even a trace of bones or marks of a struggle. 

Play dead, play nice, don't play at all, I keep thinking that if I carry on the same, everything else won't be the same. I keep finding that all I want is a change of pace and I've convinced myself living otherwise will lead me there. Gotta get up, move on, find my way around again. 

Back to reality though -

I'm holding out for more years. Long life and good days. Plant a church, be in a home, have better occupations in the hours outside of work.  It's gotta be right, it's gotta be a no brainer. I guess I'll know and I won't have to guess. 

See the forrest. See the trees.
There's a low autumn mist and overcast sky.
It's like you can feel the frost coming, and you forgot where your favorite jacket is.
You didn't forget, you were just debating on whether or not to buy it, and you didn't buy it.
I have green, grey, and black jacket, but I didn't get the red one.
Not like I'm trying to avoid a big bad wolf...I just don't want to accidentally dress to kill.

I like to kill on purpose.

I'll build another home tucked away, you'll make clothes and keep the fire going. I'll hunt and work and use braun to make a fort. Then with music, I'll swoon you to safe sleep under the canopy of God's creation in our lodge on the forrest floor of the lush, cold timber and bitter wilderness.

The fire glows, the nights eat up daylight, I've lost a map, but there are other things to find too.

Tick tock

It's like Mia says - why do we need to talk about BS in order to feel comfortable?

All the more, time is flying by. It's nearly autumn and that means another year has gone and I'm leagues away from places I want to be and things I want to accomplish. And yet, I really am grateful for what God has given me and done in my life.

I just see now, clearly, who I give my life to, in whatever discipline, the importance of dedication and sincerity. There are many people whom I love dearly, but they are withdrawn to a point that I can only give so much. I want to love people more and more, but I think it looks dramatically different with who is close to me and who is not. Proximity is everything, and I can't lose sleep over thinking about spreading myself too thin. And I appreciate that a lot of people close to me think differently on a lot of matters and issues than I do. I think God is showing me a new look at unity amidst differing climates, proving that it's good and refining to not drink the koolaid. 

No time to waste. 

Untitled post #79

I forgot to eat dinner. There was a beer, an open piano, and some spread in my stomach that really pulled hard towards setting my glass on the wood top to let the frills out of those lonely brass strings. I'm so excited for this fall, I don't know why, but I feel like Aslan has been on the move; only in shadows and the corner of my eye in this version of God's reality.

I have come to expect nothing and everything. So I decided tonight to make a marinade from scratch, have Seth and Kirtsy, Tim, and Joseph over for dinner tomorrow and make them steak, risotto, veggies and a cheese tray. I guess I cook when I get bored. It's not a bad thing, I suppose, but maybe I shouldn't get bored so much.

I need to pick back up on reading regularly. My mini library is collecting dust, and the other half is in boxes. I need to move out, even if I don't buy a house. Maybe I'm restless? Maybe I should shut up and cook more. I love having people over, it's just that I'm never home, and home is far away.

A distant address, a distant memory. It's where family tries to collect an idea and feeling of home - but as we are getting old, that's escaping here, sadly. I need my own home, which is temporary until I get to proper Home with my King, and a proper new life.

Music, food, guns, whiskey, books, pen and paper, artwork; who has the time for these many hats? I am the Mad Hatter, and I'll tread into dangerous caves if I have to find treasure. But I listen to Maroon 5, eat salad for lunch mostly, pay off my student loan, and I can't decide if I should do a garden or make a still, still. If I come to a fork in the road, I'll take it.

PTWD

Looking back over the weekend, I'm blessed and thoughtful over what God has done and shown come to full fruition.  God also shows me that I have to get over my post traumatic wedding disorder, where all I want to do is fall in love again, and/or be a dj for dance parties.

Tadd said it best, "We are batting for a thousand for dudes who have stayed in accountability group with us and gotten married quick."

It's true. Andrew, Jesse, Rob, all dear brothers and all got hitched fairly quickly. I told Tadd I'm thinking about quitting, then rejoining in a month...

But I must say, this wedding was particularly one of the best, and certainly the most evident in my view of a God centered union. Their vows were saturated with covenants and promises before God and to each other, Paul Stoddard gave an excellent presentation of the gospel, and Andrew and Audrey washed each other's feet and took communion together. Priceless, encouraging love.

It's been amazing to see Andrew grow in The Lord, and how through difficulties personal and external, God has brought those two together. I've experienced many dear brothers who are much younger in faith and practice be expedited by God into marriage and new stages of life. I start to doubt God and think about myself, and I stop trusting him in those moments of knowing she isn't in my life yet. That's where I go wrong, and I have to be brought back to fundamental truths.

I'm humbled by God's timing and purpose, and there's still much to work through and think about, but particularly understanding that patience isn't marked by reaching a point of thinking God owes me reward or validation because I set a timeline or request before him. God owes me nothing, plain and simple. He saved me and chose to give promises to me, an abundance of this devastating grace I have been experiencing. So, patience is to be had while remaining in that grace he freely gives. And I need to get back into praying more for the heavy duty things, and live patiently in obedience. Patience is a fruit or evidence of the Spirit, so I must abide in the Spirit greater, and more intentionally, and let him lead me where the will, providence,  and grace of God abound.

Here I am 5 hours before I have to wake up, and I can't find my pants.
Things have been worse, I suppose, but just getting back from Honduras, not having enough time to catch up on life, laundry, and the pursuit of happiness is really super duper draining.

I'm blessed to be a part of Andrew and Audrey's wedding. Long drive tomorrow, and I suspect a coffee stop is in order.

But daggum I gotta find my drawers!!! haha.

I seem to always have something wrong

Misguided intentions, things I wish I maybe didn't say, or at least say it in that tone. Wrong ideas, blind with eyes of false status and pushing for silly things  to attract the woman I wouldn't want anyway.

Front and center for laughs and drinks, entertainment galour, but when it comes to real talk, I get sluffed into back corners and tall shadows. So I don't mean to creep, but I'm left out and want to know. A phantom of made up me to you of who I wanted to be. If you saw things the way that I do, we'd all be in a kaleidoscope dream. But the glass broke, and all these girls I see over time, I unquestionably pass over because they're putting out everything but their soul. Broken hearts and a drunken stupor only to find someone not to commit to. It's all I see, and when I see something worth looking at, it becomes Loony Tunes because I can't put two thoughts together and I forget who I am.

It's a joke to me seeing how I struggle through life, and a lot of good struggles at that, but I'm so hopelessly dependent on God, and I can't imagine how anyone can function without him.

Getting sick and missing important nights really hurts my track record that I'm keeping. I've gotta improve my 8 minute mile to become adaptable to these uphill mudslide moments of "Can I please win this time, Mr. Jesus?"

It's mostly always no, and probably for my good. I want too many things maybe, but I'll see this through til the end. Until my mother mournes over my early (yet sovereignly planned and right) grave or until Jesus takes me away.

My tooth broke, and I started to hurt, but in a grown man kind of way. It makes sense why dad would just get pissed off and shut the door. Just got to cope with the pain always until God changes the wind.

I'm gonna grow a garden, like a grown ass man. Take me with you, always.

I did that thing again where I mixed weird imagery, fragmented biographic moments, real life and theology. Dang it.

Swaying

If it weren't for second chances, we'd all be alone...

I can feel it coming, subtly and with force. A rush of autumn struck my heart last night and bursting with song and lyrics, the cool midsummer's evening air swam across my face.

A fire, a proof of light and heat and burning. The flame swayed towards the stars, reaching for more air and more bright. There are so many faces I miss, and moments to make and remember, and I'm so thankful for grace that devistates my life.

And today, there is rain. So many graces and I can't contain myself... Thank you for that second chance, which isn't chance at all, you are a good God independent of what happens in my life or otherwise.

the thing about the world being round is, it never stops.

I fear my taste hasn't been satiated. I fear leaving the world I know. I fear not going into the unknown and talking to as many people as possible about Jesus.

I have faith that God will lead for what's next.

God has planned the end, I want to play a part of the means.
Even the cool kids die one day, so I don't need to waste my time.

Never before have I thought in terms of global influence with such wide eyes.
I have to stay grounded with big dreams and ideas and keep holding to Christ instead of what I think.
Where but for the grace of God go I.

Where these wild things are

God has continued to show himself in the most remarkable ways. My road has never been more clear. I don't even know where to begin, except for beginning.

God is just, and shows his justice in people made in his image, in different times and places. God is loving and the kids with nothing more than dirt on their faces and worn pants barely hanging on say that they are grateful for life because God is good to them. God is loving for not destroying America yet. God is kind to show his benevolence in the unity of the global church, and how these saints feel like familia. 

I pray that those whom I shared the gospel with truly become saved. I see how visiting an impoverished family with a bag of food as a gringo will automatically give me the stage for discussion. They were welcoming and listened intently, but I tried to be clear as to the vitality and palpability of a personal relationship with Christ for them to be saved. A good majority of people expressed how they attend pentacostle  churches, yet tell me that their salvation is dependent on going to their church and doing good things. I brought it back to Christ always, and only prayed with one woman who said she wanted to be saved. There are still two days left for God to work through our team, but I trust his sovereignty to use the seeds we have sown to work out his plan. I'm satisfied in knowing the full truth was given as the Holy Spirit led.

I fear too many people the world over are missing Jesus, as I see that works based salvation ideology is an epidemic. Many churches everywhere that aren't the Church. I fear the world is far too big to talk to seven billion as one man. But I'm up for the challenge. 

There's much to be done at home, and that's a good place to start and continue building. I'm very convicted by the intentionality of the church here and how they know the needs in their community and meet them. I want to do that, as much as it translates for America. We will always have the poor, Jesus told us, so we will always have work to do. 

God has done miracles in my midst, and it's been wild to see the swift hand of His providence move. I pray that I don't ignore the normal graces he gives daily, for they are the means by which he achieves his extraordinary ends.

When you really get out of it, really leave all conventional modes of life and routine, you get to see where the wild things are. These are the places where God shows how remarkable his handiwork moves behind the illusions of safety we put up...or at least that I put up.

I'm exhausted, and I just had to jot some thoughts - I'll write more when I get home. Soli Deo Gloria!

O me of little faith!

A lot to think about, but no time to say it all:

Rich or poor, what God has for me is enough.

Single or married, where I am is what God wants.
Broken or strong, Jesus died for me to surrender.

Bringing me into his Kingdom isn't where it stops, and he will sustain me in any way he see's fit. This is a truth, but a hard truth to believe in times of weakness and vulnerability.

It's really hard to understand my Father running so quickly towards me, so much abandon of properness or status, to see me on the road home - yet a long way off. But he did, proving conventional ways of doing things are man made illusions of safety - he broke through my barrier of death, sin, flesh and a heart of stone.

The Gospel is good, but it isn't safe.

That you O Lord don't show me the fullness of my sin is not only a magnanimous grace, but proof that you don't want my heart crushed because you love me as your son. Devastating grace, how I want to understand the eternality of my debt paid in full at one moment. Why do I insist on forgetting? Why do I choose my flesh over redemption? I have a low view of God, a wrong view of his Word. You could write my sins in the dust on my bible cover.

Thank you Lord for lavishing me in grace, help me to love you more and know your truth.

I only want to know obedience, and the hard but rewarding road that it accompanies.
I only want to know Jesus fully, and let all else I know pale in comparison.

And a very heavy, sobering, and life-changing amen to cling to this passage:

Matthew 6:25-34

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

where were you this whole time

and where are you still, now?

Sometimes I get this aching pit in my soul that knows I'll go home, and it'll rain, and there's no one.

It feels like living on the moon, watching the world go by, watching oxygen do extra things.
A long way remains, but the water cleans me bare.

the air was thin and sweet

Farewell, all is well, I've left all my accounts open but never visit, not even to say hello.

A hush, and quiet transition out of the ramifications in knowing the garbage people say and bothering about other's useless and trivial virtual postulation, and quite honestly, stamping out the harshness that it brings out of me. It feels so right and new to get into people's lives again. I have begun to grow tired and mostly discouraged with social media and the superficiality it puts off. The same conditions that I let creep into my heart and ego and fingertips. Everyone shows off their kids like they're the best and cuter than yours, or that abrasive and angry talk would get pronounced with boldness that would otherwise go unsaid because no one really cares that much in person to say it face to face.

I love hearing about people's day, life, marriage, job, from their lips. I love hearing how so and so lost weight and is doing well in health and paying off debt. I love to hear how school is coming along, and what someone is learning from their bible studies. It's better to hear someone's troubles in person, and look in their eyes, and mourn with their losses and struggle in person, rather than to see a desperate sad soul looking for self serving sympathy in the self inflicted woes published online; in the nothingness of vast superficiality where no one really cares that much, but they sure do have something to say.

It's like a car wreck on the interstate - everyone wants to stop and look and feel the shock value, and it causes congestion and me to be late to work. Rubber necks. That's social media for ya! Haha. Everyone have become the ultimate voyeur and source to offer life's solutions and criticisms.

Then again, all social media isn't THAT bad. After all, I'm writing on a blog. And it's a great tool for the Gospel, if wielded correctly, and marketing and finding silly meme's that really are clever, and probably will cause for some Paleontologists in a millennia to look back and think, "What in the Sam Hell?"

Summer nights sitting on my back lawn, looking into the campfire, having made my friends drinks, I feel so free to drink in their company and listen. Just listen. No noise, no clutter, just heartfelt enjoyment and laughter.

But it is nice to get to know people again, and not assume on them. And I'm not as tempted to boast about myself, since it is only Christ by whom, through whom, and to whom all these things are made and being made. My life is full of his graces and the fullness in him is all I seek, so I stick to God's analogue Twitter, Proverbs, and turn to find my face in his book.

I'll still be funny, even if you don't get to peek into my life as much. I'll still be funny even when you roll your eyes and think, "What in the Sam Hell?"

Thank you Jesus for summer, friendships, graces, yes, your grace.

I need to get on my way. Bow before my King.

Bad things happen, but that's ok - it's unreasonable to think that they don't, or shouldn't. The unreasonable thing is, I don't pray like I should. I don't seek God with daring faith. I think to strive to keep the ultimate purpose of my life to glorify God - and I still fall short daily, hourly. But it's not about sticking with those failures, no. It's about his redemption in my life. It's about seeking him earnestly - running in where angels fear to tread. God has preordained the end, and in the same way, he has preordained the means. To be a part of those means to achieve his end is my goal. I want to seek him greater, and though I know still the weight of my sin, even greater I want to know the weight of his devastating grace.

I want to have bold prayers, confident prayers, and recondition my prayer life and faith to actually trust God for things again. So many things I have let derail me, and Steele's sobering reminder that we are in a battle really got to me good. In the same way, Mark Driscoll had a remarkable sermon in which he addresses spiritual war and being on guard. Fierce and brutal, I need to treat this like a fight again and put my guard up. I want to step out with prayers of adoration, acknowledgement, submission, obedience, requests, faith, impossibilities. He has given me many good things, I know full well, but I want something wild and unexpected to rock my world for the better. I don't know what's next, but I'm looking at whom I can trust in a life long battle.

Fainting footsteps, like wiping your finger across an old secretary desk - dust be gone, shimmer and glean to a surface of new. 

Reflect the inside, show what's really there. I'm afraid, because I know what shows, and how very uncertain this world turns.

A sun never sets - it only goes to another rise. Make sure that you only remember the things you want to, for fear that the truth will most certainly stab your heart in the future, when the cold winter of realization hits and you feel stone damn cold. Alone never felt so lost. Those are the times that ignorance breeds.

A slew of bargains and dilemmas always will cross the street, and you have you think past the neon signs and taco cart hot smells. Because, truthfully, clearing your eyelids and lungs never felt more vital. And the warming stream of that bourbon pour rushes so many things back to the front of your chest. Then, silence:

Summer air, no traffic, dark.

The jukebox doesn't play, the people don't speak, the dust starts to settle on that shimmer, and it becomes all too uncomfortable that this life you've gone down to is much like the backseat of a taxi, and red lights will be regular staples in learning how to land.

Jarred, hot, pissed - the locks only open from the outside now.

And the sweet waft of lilacs hit my face as I drive through the open streets of perceivable freedom into a land of home.

where am I? oh yeah.

I give my life away to everyone so that when it comes time to have my own life, I don't have any left and all I want to do disappear into the wilderness and build a secret cabin. Leave me alone, I keep saying to myself, but I end up being too nice because life is too short and I don't get to love enough people like I pictured in my head. If I was totally selfish and didn't have the perception that I do, or the heart that God gave me, I'd be skinny, rich, famous, and forsake all the pangs that I roll through to each week just to be around and make sure everyone else is taken care of.

This is all of course only to the Glory of God alone. Apart from him, I'm kidding myself. I have nothing, am nothing, and amount to nothing. He has clothed the lilies of the valley, and feeds the sparrows, and so it remains with me that all I do and have and think and know is because he's so very fiercely gracious, and terribly loving.

And I still get a pit in my stomach thinking that he doesn't convict me of all my sin at once.

Somedays I get so mad that all I can do is get an ulcer. Then I swallow a huge gulp of air and circulation begins to happen again. Things hold me down, but I get upset when I hear of wrong things happening to the wrong people.

In order to stave off curiosity and summertime lonely desire, I have to make duly certain that I'm not going to summer camp, or crossing paths with a female whom I have no intention of knowing, and it all seems nice until ol' Jack  brings up that sore spot. Hot damn that was wily. I just assume posting ludacris signs to get my own space again. 

I want to take a moment to not feel so crippled by anchors of industry and madness. I see why Don only knows work life, and drinking. It suits nicely for a round or eight of mindless self indulgence, and certainly the quicksand of madness.

I'll get out and breathe some air. I'll get going soon, and post a sign for the door to help bring closure for me and that extra space of mine.

 

I forgot.

Worse than leaving the stove on after you drive off for work.

Worse than watching a movie that you know gives you nightmares and makes bumps in the night feel way too close.

Worse than leaving lip balm in the right pocket of your favorite jeans as they go through the washer and dryer.

And I'm trying so hard to remember so it's not a bad repeat or an unwanted sequel. Déjà vu, and it feels like an ambush. There are these moments that feel like there's an out, but I'm stuck in this cyclical culture of clingy, co-dependent sheeple and my conscience won't let me bow out - for I know the pains and problems that lay ahead.

I forgot to care again.

squeaky swings and tall grass

There were many expressions flying through the air, and watching the bustle of city life with the warm dawn of summer leaking into my memory, served my heart this notion that life is more than staying home and cooped up in my head.

Getting out is good because it helps with things getting out. I'm going to take friends out on dinner dates, and start living again. I'm going to write dance music, and night time music, and happy music, and real music. You're going to taste the colors and shapes that explode on the inside, and I'll pair it with a nice glass of wine, or whiskey. I'm going to make the most of right now, because God has given many good gifts and I can't just let another summer go by in limbo.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, or if I'll see it. I might see them until I'm 87 years old.
I guess my point is, I'm turning a new leaf because I'm forcing myself to be in this spot, because I want to get better. Even if I'll still have a big head, I won't be cooped up in it.

New memories to make!

Strong direction and fierce spirit - I feel the urge to go places and make the most of right now. I keep thinking of how I'll be 25 this year, and that kind of scares me. I'm still young, though I don't feel it. I'm still capable, all the while I sell myself short and undermine what I can actually do.

Lots of reflection, lots of punctuation and editing periods into commas. I stare into the fire and watch the embers glow. I sip on bourbon and feel the medicine coax my worrying heart into conviction and honest prayers. Steele said it best this weekend, "God is not threatened by my doubt." I tell things to God, trembling and soaked, and my little faith seems to dwindle like the solitary coal that pops away from the glowing sea.

God hears me, knows me, feels me, and to think that I'm so bold in my profession of his sovereignty is a jarring conviction that I often lack the faith to substantiate my claim to his sovereignty. Blessedly, it's not contingent upon what I think or feel, even on my best day.

So, what next? What's a guy to do? I'm figuring different things out, things like investments, budgeting for the future, what's keeping me from doing the things I want to do, where will I rest my head in 6 months, and still trying to resist my disobedience and maintain self control.

I crave the preaching of the Word, and Steele hit it. This weekend was many things for me, and a timely word from the Lord is on the top.

Other than that, it was a nice long weekend, and I got to have a few parties at my house:
Campfire, friends, drinks, laughs, good talks, good friends who otherwise don't make it down this way. I'm trying to make a strong effort to include people who I love dearly and want to bring together. I love to have the opportunity to break cliques and get people talking. I love to be the common denominator. I love cooking nice meals for my friends, and listening to good jazz on vinyl. I love feeling things and wearing flip-flops. I love being home and smiling to enjoy these dearest people whom God has blessed me with. There's mystery ahead, but adventure nonetheless.

God bless this summer, and the year that changes my life...again.

Daft Funk

Random Access Memories is not only sonic infatuation, but it has so much soul and rhythm that has ignited this unknown motion in me. Fire, sway, directive.

Just when all I wanted was peace and quiet... Funk that

monolithic

Explorer, be sure to set your traps and mark your trek. I'd hate to find you withered away at trail's end, because you went so far and never sent word by messenger or wren.

In the times when gray flooded the land, and the beast carried to and fro, having his way, heroism and boldness laid dormant; mostly dead.

As I make my way through these places, like Pilgrim did so long ago, I have an urgency to make sure no one else knows where my fort lay, and to have a place to live, hidden in the rocks, entrenched by deep furrows and ditches. One way in, and you're dead going out if there is no welcome.

Be gone, beast, you dragon. Stay back, you crafty liar. Away from me, all you who called me friend, but only in fair weather and now you're ash. Coming undone didn't seem like this - so savage, so archaic. Simple rest would be nice for once, but it is never so.

And then, one day the sky breaks open and I no longer hide. Forever.

future life, fiction memories

I can't even know what's next. There's really no pressure to do anything.
Maybe a lot of things are cooped up in my head because I don't have ears to share, or a heart to meld, or lips to lavish.

Maybe I make up things or see it the wrong way. It could be that life that is and life that isn't are trying to happen simultaneously and I switch tracks too much. Thinking too deep causes me to drown any way you cut it.

Listening to Trouble Will Find Me right now really jogs these dreams I've had lately. Vivid and unfair dreams. Like Roman Polanski or Martin Scorsese have left their best work in the editing room of my picture brain and it's stuck on subconscious repeat but gets better and worse for the wear. Starring me and unknown cast. I'd love to meet them one day, they seem like lovely people if they indeed exist.

Maybe when I have figured things out and after I've bought a house and do the things I want to do, I'll have a cabin in the woods somewhere deep and far, and misty woods will surround a lake, and we'll swim naked in the cloudy day. And that will be so pure. "It's ok, they're married" - Reader

Then we can drive with the windows down, and listen to our favorite songs, and your hair will smell like wilderness and that gorgeous smell I will always know you have. That linger in the morning, past sleepiness and stale breath after a night of whiskey and laughter. Nothing is perfect, but that's what makes it perfect.

And even if it rained, we could stay in the cabin, and watch the clouds climb through the mountains surrounding the lake. We could have a fire, and you could brush your hair while I read Spurgeon or Calvin, and then we'd make dinner and not even think about going back or when this would end.

But even at that point, if I've figured things out, going back wouldn't be so bad. Because we'd be the same kind of close regardless of the setting...we just like swimming naked in abandoned mountains.

But who's to know, dreams aren't real, and neither are you yet.
Just waiting for that long dark hair to reveal your smile and then I'll know.

New wave

There are many good things coming on the horizon. I can't quite understand, but then again who can really know God's ways - even in hindsight, as to how things can still be good and go well all the while this world gets worse and worse. Speaking of course to the deplorable gutting of morality and dismissal of truth, I find that the planet, this world, still is something to enjoy. It's that tension that John Piper talks about when practicing Christian hedonism, but I always just want to go home to heaven so I don't have to hurt, or pay taxes, or deal with cavities.

Very interesting, as all of this culminates and mulls over in my head. I'm seeing old become new, and new happening fresh.

I'm happy for Andrew and Audrey getting married soon, as well as Scrib and Kassie, Chaz and Heather, Mark and Jessica, and I'm sure a slew of others. This next page of weddings will be a good celebration. And more babies will be a delight. 

Slowly but surely the church is settling in terms of family and establishment. I hope that with it comes a new conviction to the authority of Scripture individually and corporately. I hope that with these new phases of life, deeper, stronger cravings for the Word of God not only transforms our spiritual walk, but sets apart our worldview to something better, something holy. Then we can abandon humanism and liberalism (more than mere politics, mind you) and fully cling on to biblical principles that radically drive our day to day, step by step.

I'm praying for a reformation. A storm, a viral contagion that shows people not only what they believe, but why they believe it. I'm praying for a new passion for holiness and a longing for evangelism. A thrust of good will and hope, and a burden for the enemies of the cross. I'm praying for God to deliver me from my vices, and false ideas of incompleteness during this season of life. To have a sense of togetherness, even though I wait and pray still for God to advance my life into marriage and fatherhood. I pray that I don't lose sight of why I'm doing things the way I am now, for the chief end to glorify God, and serve people. And I want to admit when I'm wrong, and depart from flawed ways of thinking.

I just desire to see radical change. Break the norm, Carpe diem! Soli Deo Gloria

fire, knife, key, gun

What's been missing is an adventure. Or 6.
I gotta get out, and go.
I have the things I need, to survive, so I will.

Gonna drive a while.
Gonna stay under canopy and ether.
Gonna go into the night with friends.
Gonna spend some time alone, some more.

I'm learning more of how to land... everything is going to be fine.

when there's nothing to write, write.

I'm just me. These last few months have been incredible, and scales from my heart are falling off.
Nothing and everything exciting, and I can't quite put it into words yet.
SDG

if nothing else

let me help you with a little inspiration, or drum up some "spark" inside -

this helps me when I can't sleep
Kuler




and the hidden things are kept for the people I love most...

fragmented

These last few months have been undoubtedly the most trying and exciting moments of my career. It's been non-stop projects, travels, photo shoots, designing, filming, and shooting - to which I have began to recognize why people aren't "good" at everything.

I used to believe that I could really excel in all areas of creative - but there's just too much to do, and not enough time to do it all well. God is showing me lessons in life, learning to delegate and the like, but mostly in areas of faith. The big lingering question stands: Am I going to trust God continually when it's difficult? While I have fun and enjoy what I do, it is a lot of work. Often others quantify sitting at a desk or going on location to film as easy, but to constantly have to use my brain to be clever and creative has been one of the most challenging things I've had to face. Because I can't be the best cinematographer all the time, or photographer, or animator, or copywriter...I have to be really good at one or two things, and be able to do the rest, but give myself some slack.

There's a lot of fear and isolation I can feel, also, when it comes to my level of work. Not so much isolated as in I don't feel like I have friends or that I'm left alone, but more like, "I feel way ahead of where I even imagined I could be - especially only a 24 year old dude." A major reality has manifested before me, and I'm seeing that growing up is hard and fast, and even more, I guess I'm seeing this huge departure in my mind's eye from what looks appealing and what really matters. I'm not going to live in "what-if's" or wait around for lofty dreams to come true. I want to make things happen - but at the same time remain sensitive to where the Holy Spirit leads me - and genuinely make strong efforts towards more big life decisions.

All of the sudden, I understand why taking a pause is good. I need to assess certain aspects of my life, and when I pray and ask God to lead me and change me, help me overcome sin, help me love better...then I really need to have intention to overcome sin, or love better, or be led. Otherwise I just pray nice things that mean nothing. That's not something I want. I want to mean what I say, which is damn hard. Other things, I'll never open my mouth about again unless God makes the way perfectly, obviously clear.

So there may not be any rhyme or reason to anything I'm saying here - I've been on long flights and through two cities and my thoughts are fragmented. But cutting out excess in my life is showing benefits already. I got rid of my old Facebook for many reasons, and started this new one because Tony is having me admin TRC and TRM pages. Also I use it for work - but I don't want to have relationships virtually. I don't want to watch someone's life like a silent voyeur and infer that I know just about as much as everyone else does without anyone saying anything. It's just getting weird.

I still have my twitter, because I have things to say still (I think). And Instagram is good for sparking ideas and telling everyone how much of a fat kid I still am. But I'm almost going to rid myself of these things - at least drift away into unplugging and not being consumed by cyberspace.

Blogging is still nice, though. I don't think I'll quit that - it's good for my head to write things out. And most the time I write something this size and never publish it, which I feel is even nicer. Time for bed. Until next time...

Goals - Getting out

I've been at a loss for ideas when it comes to goals - and quite frankly I'm pretty much a "big-idea" kind of man. So without an epic plan to execute on, I tend to bide my time.

But as I got thinking, I want to make purposeful small goals and achieve them to learn, experience and figure things out.


This will be the summer where I will hunt and camp, and start to explore outside of my room, and get to experience God outside. Maybe I'll climb a mountain with Josh Whitney one day?

I want to just go. Shoot, piss, scour landscapes, drink from my flask, and get lost. I want days alone with my Lord. Simple change of pace then I can come back to safe M-F when it's all said and done.

You know, running around today, barefoot, getting sunburned and out of breath made me realize a few things:

I've forgotten to shave so that saved me from some sunburn.
I've forgotten about going to the gym as much - so much to do and little time for myself.
I was up to running 45 minutes straight - breaking a sweat and pushing hard, but endurance has been lost I suppose.

There is much repurposing still left to do. I've got to get back on track here, and make things happen. In God's time, of course - but I need to be proactive and not lament the catastrophe of mismanaged opportunities.

This new project I'm pursuing is going to be something else entirely. I want to change people's lives and really do something remarkable. I guess there's always quirky things to say, or honesty, or facing tension - but to sculpt a masterpiece as a first try at something big. I don't want to talk at anyone - I just want to get the conversations started.

Strolling through The Neighbourhood cruising in I Love You takes my mind off. Literally, off.

"When I wake up I'm afraid somebody else might take my place." -Afraid

that awkward moment when it's been me the whole time

So, I had a dear brother tell me this evening that I am doing way too much. He said that I just need to stop and start to live a little. "Not everything is your responsibility..." is one of the excerpts of that conversation. A loving correction, I think, since he took notice of my "go go go" life.

I guess I'm too much a Martha, if you will. I want to make sure things get done, and make people happy. All in all, I guess it's foolish, since there will always be things to do, and happiness is temporary. Regardless, I like to bless others.

Then again, I relayed back to him that I've purposefully took on all this stuff since there's not much else in my life, or perceivably coming into my life, that would need room for my time. I'm the resident single guy at work, so naturally I'm the candidate for more trips and longer hours. I'm getting compensated, but it's a place I've allowed myself to go since nothing else is going on.

When I have semi-in depth conversations with brothers, it's usually along the lines of exchanging work capacity, ministry, and then the mutual concession of "I'm tired", to which I digress and admit that they are much more tired than I since they have a wife and x-number of kids. I guess they make different schedules than I do, but we work the same. I think I live a bit more on a whim, when I think about it. I for sure schedule out my month to the best of my ability (and with whatever data is given) but other than that, I eat, buy, go, and sleep when I want. (Except for the sleep bit, I hardly get any of that).

So, even though I don't have anything pressing to get in, I think I am going to make way for less congestion in my heart/mind/time/life/vision and live a little. Learning again how to have fun, since it's not always business up front.

I guess that's where I'm at after a camp fire, hot tub, and beer. Saturday night alone was ok, but I'm sure there's better to come. Still, I'm blessed, and thank Jesus for this chapter of life, daily.