amateur hour:

I totally forgot which grind was for french press, so I had to look it up.
Couldn't figure out why my new keyboard wasn't syncing until I realized it wasn't turned on.
Didn't do laundry until like 5 minutes ago.
Forgot to get the car serviced before we leave for Faithwalkers tomorrow.
Excited for Faithwalkers, but nervous I'll forget something important.
Had to run upstairs to see who was playing on iTunes, because for some reason, Sparta didn't click in my brain. I was bummed about that enough that I just put on a radio station on Spotify, because I need some new music.


The awesome part about today: got to hang with my Grandma B since Christmas, or anytime really, is hard for her since my Grandad died 7 years ago; 8 years in three weeks. I could see the light in her eyes knowing that I decided to stay with her, instead go to California. Some things just mean more.

And another thing, I didn't "feel" Christmas at all - in a seasonal sense. I just wasn't wired up in the Christmas mood this year, I guess. Maybe because a lot of it is Western tradition, and Americanism is kind of dull to me because of what it's done to the Church.

That doesn't mean it's not real to me - it very much is, to celebrate the birth of my Lord. I suppose it's one of those small lessons in life that goes to show that just because I don't feel it, doesn't mean I've forgotten the significance of it. I'm floored by the grace of God. He is strong when I am weak, and always.

it's almost Christmas, and I feel sinfully busy.

this is the first semi-clear moment in my head to take a minute and just say something. I'm not kidding when I say that it's been a non-stop week. I've had max of 4 hours of sleep the last few nights and nothing seems to be going right.

the truth is, I'm having trouble being encouraged. Usually I am grateful to be giving gifts to people, to extend the graces that God has given me, but I'm really mostly just wrapped up in discouragement. the truth above that is that I'm free in Christ, who is victorious. He is my master, and I need to remember that His grace covers me. I am right, before God. That is truth, overwhelmingly.

Just got to keep my chin up. Press on.

This week: received my new keyboard, stand and case. Got a settlement from the car accident when I was rear ended. Practiced for Faithwalkers with Steele and crew. Received most of the gifts I'm giving away, via mail from Amazon. Prepping to spend Christmas without my family again, since they are going out of town this year. :-( *sigh*

My prayer is that God gives me rest, and that I may steward it well.

a low profile high-tail outta there

recently, it's been nice keeping to myself - for the most part.

Monday morning was a dreadful start to the week. I got rear ended on the way to work - nothing terribly damaging, but my neck hurts still. I'm alive, and thankful - and a very cool happenstance - I grabbed a green lid plug with my coffee that particular visit. I normally don't, but the feeling of not wanting my coffee to spill came over me. weird.

I've been working like madness to get these projects finished at work. Last week was just about a 60 hour week, and this week has been non-stop days. So it's nice to have some time to myself when I get a moment.

I bought a new keyboard, finally. Pretty stoked on it and I'm hoping it'll help spark some new creativity in a weird way. A gust of inspiration always comes with new stuff, in my experience, so I'm praying that God uses this in some way for His glory.

All I've been writing are songs that sound like the color blue. The dark, cobalt blue. The moonlit speakeasy blue. The jazz in Chicago in the rain blue. They're terribly dreadful and make me wanna take up spending $6 for tobacco again.

Elusive, tight lipped, and lots of reading. I still like to laugh, but alone times are the serious times. And considering my family is leaving next week, I'll be spending Christmas alone again this year, so I'll have a nice, quiet winter.

I couldn't sleep, so I wrote this instead. Just a peek into what's happened lately, I guess.

Records to listen to: (by Artist/Band only)

Nero
M83
Other Lives
JBM
Bonobo
Silversun Pickups
Trent Reznor & Karen O
Radiohead
Damien Rice

Some odd combos, but it's been keeping my head outside my brain all week. Good one.

Whenever I talk with Dan, he usually asks the hard questions, and it's good too.

I don't have many people who I allow in my head quite like that - most can't even think past the typicals. But I appreciate it, because it reminds me that I need to be more thoughtful of many things I often overlook.

and sometimes the only thing I'm left with after the conversations is, "I just don't know what I want anymore." Then I realize that I need some scratch paper, and to write out what things I need and are important. Then write out what things I want and come secondary.

Maybe I just need to go on a date. Or go out for some drinks. Or spend the weekend in, and not do anything with anyone.

I still want my 10 year goals, but I need a lot of praying and planning and refiguring out-ing. Right now all I can process is how much I haven't gotten done. But the good news is, I'll buy this bib for my kid when I'm a daddy:

My kids will be cooler than yours.

light on my feet

there's a play on words here -

I need to remain light on my feet, as to not stay idle so that I might trod swiftly amongst stones and bogs. Additionally, the Lord's word is a light unto my feet, and a lamp unto my path - thus, I must remain on course, following the light.

Though, I have a hard time keeping my eyes open. Stubborn, fickle me.
God forgive me of wanting things of my flesh.
God, make me know what I should want, more.

a decade ends

towers fell

conspiracy and war money

old people left my life

people from my life have nothing to do with me

i changed, not sure if it was for the better - in some cases

in others, much better.

new people are in my life

my heart was torn in so many directions,

for all those times hearing that my heart was duct tape

and to keep it sticky, i sure didn't listen.

not even giving it to girls,

just trying to love everyone

and be, that friend

Wine, Cheese, Pasta, Brothers.

Sometimes all I want is to escape the mass gathering of chatter and noise and be home with close friends. Last night was just that - and it was what I needed.

"Dude, her name is Shelob, of course she's a lesbian." -David Larsen
"One day, I want to own a whole wheel of cheese." -Tadd Winter
*Crocheting* -Andrew Allred

That happened. It was the best.

comfort

lately, I've taken to notice and be thankful for all the comforting things in my life.

one of my biggest problems is that I'm a dick. or overlook things. or shallow.
or even intentionally avoid being compassionate or kind.

but the Holy Spirit has really convicted me of how much he leads and comforts me, and how much I avoid it in the name of theological tough guy. lame sauce. I need to grow up in this area. sheesh.
I find it to be an indirect/direct sort of thing.

what I mean is:

I'm either at ease in my soul, or am reminded of the truth of sacred scripture.

or

I am led by the Holy Spirit to things of comfort and rest.


Simply put - tonight I got to hang out with my parents when I got home. We threw on a movie and I sat on the couch in their room and I got to be safe with them. Nothing else mattered.

I got to listen to dad talk about work and mortgage and marriage and sports and it was wonderful.

The Holy Spirit being the Great Comforter will bring great affirmation, joy and comfort, as well as lead me to things that are also in those categories...and many others.

So, I am in a new place now. I am thankful, and resting.

a spark in a sea of grey

clumsy me.

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel like everyone is just repeating themselves.

Over and over. But they're so convinced each time is the first.
Not the case, it's this weird Groundhog's Day thing - which works, because Bryan's autistic brother thinks I look like Bill Murray. Whodathunk.

Speaking of look-a-likes, here's who I've gotten lately from complete strangers:

Moby

Gene Hackman

Chester Bennington (Singer of Linkin Park)

Kevin Spacey

And most the time, they're cougars on the prowl. Totally unashamed to flirt in public, as I stand in front of the deli picking out lunch. To which I just smile and laugh at the notion that  good looking women twice my age act this way.

So that was a tangent...

I'm sad Randal and Sherry are moving. God is good and has a plan. Stoked to be playing with Kenny though. Lots of changes, and I feel like I'm trying to catch all these cannonballs.

And then I feel like I want to jump ship. I'm still too weak. I've been keeping a bold face, though.

Josh told me to not forsake doing good - and referenced a Psalm that I had texted him a few months back to hit me in the face with: 

Psalm 119:32
I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!

More chances for me to rely on God, and to live out Biblical Theology.

"Might have to go where they don’t know my name
Float all over the world just to see her again
But I won’t show or feel any pain
Even though all my armour might rust in the rain
A simple plot, but I know one day
Good things are coming our way" -Up With The Birds - Coldplay

if I weren't me

"Upon waking, he stomached through the dizziness and clouded thinking of what felt like being in comatose for hundreds of years. Laying in a pod. A station in the middle of a massive complex. So many people visible through the walls, yet so alone. He unstrapped the vitals and pulled the tube out of his throat. Stumbling out of his position in bed, he creaked and ached as his limbs tried to remember how to be used. Stiff and slowly, he grabbed for his clothes to get out and try to remember where he wasn't. Exit sign, thank goodness.

The world was different, in a new but hopeless kind of way. Computers and Pharmaceuticals were the mainstays of civilization - worlds within worlds - drug induced and virally connected. No one used their eyes, no one cared.

Beautiful women saw him and wanted his affection, but theirs was nothing more than a robotic love. Nothing real. Nothing of substance.

Cars moved fast, positioned 4 feet off the ground. Buildings were massive. Glass, matte white and illuminated with fiber lighting. Obscure shapes to everything, in the name of pilgrimage.

He made it back to the older parts of the cities, where change was least accepted, and cars still ran on petroleum. This was what he remembered, but this felt so archaic. He stumbled back to his home - covered in vines, old news papers and graffiti with boarded up windows.

He turned the handle to the front door. It was rusty, but unlocked. Everything was stale, but in it's right place.

The floor cringed with a cry of not being walked on for a very long time. This was right. This was home. Lingering through the memories of things that happened here, he found his way back into his bedroom. A nice and neatly made bed, desk with a lamp, writing utensils and a journal - all things that started turning on more lights in his head. And the more things he started to take in visually, the more he realized that everyone from yesteryears were dead and gone.

This terrible pitted feeling hollowed him out, bringing him to his knees in sobbing grief against his bed.

After some time passed, he remembered that there was a key. A fulcrum of sorts that he knew would pull all this together. The sense of sorrow left him, and finding this most important key became his directive. What this key would hold, he didn't know, but he had to find it before he vanished forever.

A jarring knock at the door. Cautiously he looks through the curtains. There he sees a cloaked figure with red eyes, observing the house from the front of the lawn. A murmur, 'What is this? I feel in danger, and as if I am surrounded.' A small drone circles the house with surveillance cameras, and safety went missing. Finding that key became that much more important. Robotic men in police uniforms started approaching the house in unison, making a perimeter for no escape..."

- A blisteringly vivid and intense dream I had last night.

pure. solid. absent.

water is so captivating.
knowing that it's combusted gasses - carrying me into the jet stream.

truly beautiful.
soft light, beaming through the water.
faint blue halo.
bubbles of air on my arm.
snow falling unforgivingly on my head.
i could be lost in a water planet, forever.

the sound of a slow, steady stream trickling through the surface.
the very specific smell of hot water, and how it reminds you of being younger.

it is sustaining.
it is soothing.
it is ferocious.
it consumes continents.
it lives in turmoil always.
so incredible. living in three states. always retaining memory.

tonight was the first night alone to myself I've had in a while.
much needed. more reflections than what water can show.
a time for repentance and prayer. writing songs that go deeper than what I can do.

this is just fine with me: get me out of here!

nothing is going to be the same anymore. too much has happened this week.
God knows, even thought I feel like calling it.

knock loud, I'm home

Dramatic sabotage, it'll come like a storm, but you'll never know that it hit you...
until you're listening to it a few months later on repeat, and all the emotions are being invoked...
like a spell
like that time you wished you lived in the deepest parts of nowhere.

instead, Hollywood and glitz have got us all gaga for fashion, muse and taste.

spoken slightly, it's a myriad of intentional color beaming through the black rips:

I am happy for the most part. It's cold, and a heater blasting in my face reminds me of salvation, in so many weird ways. The Grace of God flattens me. My main discontentments are that I'm still here. On Earth, in lower case america, and not in Asia, or giving blood/sweat/tears in Africa, missional without having to worry about the almighty dollar and the daily deed.

The Gospel is all that matters, and through it, God is glorified. That is the purpose of my life - and sometimes I can't handle that. But places and spaces are carved out for me, and where but for the grace of God go I.

And "Ode to Sunshine" by Delta Spirit is a fantastic record, I highly recommend it.

bibliothèque

Until I spend the rest of my life reading marvelous books, you'll never know my future library.

I'll go on sabbatical from life, because there is nothing tying me down.

Faithfulness wherever I go, and leave the doors locked for the dust to settle in and eat away at the hardwood floors. Then, and only then, will it make sense to learn calligraphy and make stationary. I promise I'll write. I'm learning a lesson in slowing the **** down.

Future Life. My Brain Is Not A Paranoid Android.

a straight path of no end to my line of sight

perpetual structure and symmetry.
it might be bunk, and seem like meaninglessness,
but the good news is, there's good news.

I wrote something on a wall somewhere. Covered it with paper and masking tape, flat. Then covered that in mud on the sheetrock. Then I painted over it after I sanded it down some. If that wall gets destroyed before someone remodels, no one will ever know those secret things I said.

If they do, they'll find the deactivation code, a security clearance and routing number to a bank in Switzerland. No one would really know it, or care to believe, but I'm a billionaire and this life is more interesting in the thick of it. Being vulnerable, being real.

And on this note:
My sister broke up with her boyfriend today. She moved back home. Hopefully she'll stop being pagan, get saved and find a husband that loves Jesus. I pray for her a lot, but it seems like the only real change will be Christ in her life.


Walking by faith and not by sight- maybe I should close my eyes for a while.

some things are given up
others, you quit
then there's those dormant channels...

digital bath/hard copy

It's finally happening.
The beginnings of my own home studio.
Just bought a pair of $7,000.00 studio monitors and $400.00 amp...for only $350.

I'm floored at how kind God is to me. My co-worker, who owns the house where the Annex is at, has no room for them and needed to get rid of them and wanted to hook me up.

Finally, I get to make my own record. That is what I've wanted for so long.
I'm going to make a 6 song album of purely instrumental music - reflective on the doctrines of Grace.

Gonna get some legit microphones after I buy a new keyboard too.

Also, there are many many books that I'm going to be plowing through. Excited to learn more about:
The Work of Christ
The Life of Christ
Trinitarian God
Knowing the Will of God
Servanthood
Prayer
Worship
Loyalty
Patience
The Church
Purposes of Ministry
Missions
Biblical Gender Roles
Eldership/Leadership
Suffering/Perseverance

"Patience is not just waiting, but waiting with joy and hope in God's plan."
-Josh Whitney from HC tonight.

Passive Alps

Something so massive, and it doesn't even take heed to the world around it.
they say, "We're mountains. What of it? It's nice to be here, and it's not like we are going around squishing football teams or smashing mail boxes."

Oblivious though, they were covered in water, and now they're puncturing the air. Things change around them, and they don't move. It's just a big misunderstanding, I think.

Grand stones of wreckage, and I've lost my map.

Jane was dead?

no, she is dead.

Martin had no idea. She is dead, she has no commonplace in living kingdoms. No one does. Everyone was dead, and is dead. Born to die, what a wild concept. A consequence that is real, and out of anyone's control.

It's like a mom having std's from sleeping about like a floosy...her kids will probably be born with scores of illnesses and predisposed to more sickness.

Sin.Kills.By.Sex.And.Murder.And.Hate.And.Theft.And.Hating.God.com
we're all connected, so it has a web address, because it is world wide.

Jane is dead, and her lover, and their families, and friends.
Happy Halloween: alone, there is no hope.
let the dead bury their dead. dead can't decide to be undead.

In Christ alone is there found life, and victory, and championship, and new skin, and eternity, and utopia, and pure.

running the map

Yesterday was wild. God is teaching me a lot for sure.

Before I had to be at soundcheck at church, I spent a few hours at Starbucks starting to do a study, but was interrupted by an aggressive heretic. This guy came up to me and asked what my favorite verse was, and then badgered his way through my responses to show me his.

I should have been leery because of how poorly he was interpreting the verses. It turned into an hour long discussion of him trying to convince me that God elected all people, because he made them to sin, so he could redeem them. That hell was temporary and that Jesus will save people out of hell and destroy hell forever. His ideology wasn't merely unbiblical and heretical, but incredibly offensive as to how he attempted to twist Scripture. I pinned him as a hyper-calvinist-universalist. He has no desire to commune with God, or the church or even share the gospel. He just wants to fill his head with the bent meanings of greek words he comes up with. It's so unfortunate and saddening to see people get to this point.

Poor David showed up just as this guy came over to start talking, so he had to sit through this guy's nonsense. But David made a good point when he said, "It's no wonder we're all getting attacked personally and together since we're really pushing hard to grow in our walks with God."

Always a great reminder. I am to be readily prepared at all times for whatever comes my way.

Fast forward 7 hours: I had the opportunity to share the gospel, in great detail with Joseph and Steven's friend from school. Her name is Ashely and it's the first time she'd ever been to a church that wasn't LDS. She said she loved it and wanted to have that "thing" that Joseph and Steven have in their lives. It was nearly an hour spent walking through the gospel with her. She said it made sense to her, and Glory to God - that's great, but I told her it needs to be her decision and sincere prayer. Not to do it because I made a pleading case, or that Steven was there, or because she wanted to clean herself up - but that she needs Jesus desperately.

I'll be praying for her this week, and Lord willing, she'll pray to repent, accept Christ and become a Christian. Hopefully she comes back too! She could be one more person brought from death to life as the incredible miracle and work of the Trinity.

It's a wonderful thing seeing people come to saving grace and actively being a part of growing the Kingdom of God. I pray it's a trend that perpetuates through our people and churches - that more and more people have the disposition to reach out regularly and that we can plant more churches in the next few years.

This is real life. This is what I will spend the rest of my life doing.

fight club

tonight I was ready to destroy someone.
it's disgusting how much inappropriate and crude things we're subjected to.
it breaks my heart for the lost, but my first priority is always the people of God.
they are first, especially my sisters.

PEOPLE DESPERATELY NEED JESUS.
and it's a miracle that he bestows his loving grace upon humanity,
and doesn't just end it all now.

I've got to wind down so I can sleep...

where but for the grace of God go I

it's late. just got home.
my back aches, long day.
i am busy, and God has given me a full life.
not busting at the seams, but things to keep my mind on Him.

i don't know what to say right now.
being humbled by the grace that God generously gives is overwhelming.
the cross is meant to flatten me, so that God is so immensely centric in my life,
that it's not even a thought in my brain to consider my needs first.

God has lead me to this point.
to right now - to the history he's given me.
to the heavy heart, and way of thinking.
to this appreciation and desire for scripture.
to this love for Him and His Church.
to this passion for theology and music.
to this aspiration and call to be a pastor one day.
to serve and give, all that I can.
all these are results of His Love.

Lord, change me more into the man you want me to be.
Convict me more of sin. Make me set apart for your good work.
Give me the mind and heart to live out your commands.
Write your precepts on my heart, lead me in your ways,
for You, alone, Yahweh, are worthy of all I am.

dream of me, I'm pinching

new song-ish

I cant creep, concrete, too much heavy step, so much waiting yet.
Kaleidoscope eyes, city spies, lights burn bright and I feel all right.
Going on forever, listening fair weather, I'll be here in the storm, be sure to keep you warm.
Jumping off cliffs, catching late planes, will it ever be the same again?
Running down the map, bleeding across the lines, I don't know where you're at, but give me some time.

Take a look, soak a drink, messy dark hair makes my heart start to sink.
You, you've always been.
Don't get me started again.
After all this time you haven't left.

no answer

Have you any idea why a Raven is like a Writing Desk?

No one can seem to answer that question, when it's quite simple if you knew Lewis Carroll, or Edgar Allen...

It's not that I ask the wrong questions - it's simply the more obscure ones.
Then again, it's that time of the year when everyone gets a bit more freaky deeky before Christmas shows up; and snow, and cheer, and warm clothes, and prospects of cuddling and a few Yule Tide glasses of things that taste like happy.

Still, there's that freaky part. Just dreadful.

I just want jazz, and rain, and so forth. Thank you God for the changing colors, you've done a smashing great job.

I won't wait until I'm a skeleton to speak up. I'll die if I don't.

Just when I think I've gotten things down, God opens up the floodgates even more.

I like it.

There are better ways of doing things, which I'm coming to find out, and it's incredible how much of a difference it can make. God is showing me self-controled passion, in various forms, as well as remaining level headed and becoming a critical thinker.

Many hard things to stay faithful to. Many easy things as well, which is sometimes harder to stay faithful to than the hard things for reasons of neglect. The bottom line is that God has provided steadier footing on rougher terrain, an open door and three green lights.

I'm reading a book on Biblical Eldership right now, and it's putting so many things in perspective. God is good, and though I'm tired from being insanely busy lately, I'm very encouraged, satisfied and grateful for His lovingkindness in my life.

take me back

that's what i was thinking at least.
driving home, cool, dense autumn air.
wasatch blvd, listening to some music.
slowly getting home, but decompressing.
praying.
thanking God.
the slow hum of my car brought me back to yesteryears of fondness, clarity.

i'm going to take a weekend for myself one of these days, and just go.

subtle, profound

something so simple as someone not being there changes everything

the tone
the feel
the joy

most would miss it if they didn't think about it
and most don't think about it
but all I've been doing this whole time is noticing
and looking forward steadily
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i feel like all in all, my walk with the Lord is strong and consistent
i feel like He's teaching me so much, and a lot in daily moments
i feel like my memorization of scripture is really kicking in
vices come to play at the wrong time
verses come to mind at the right time

my world has changed even in the fact that I can now read better and see things clearer.
not until I got these new glasses did I realize that most things aren't as fuzzy as I saw them to be.

subtle, yet profound.

a big thing in my life right now is organization and time management.
the deal breaker is being regimented and planned, or, all over the place and losing speed.
I've gotta get time back on my side.

I trust that God has it- and He can flip the tables in a week, or in a month - yet I'm learning a new ballgame of stewardship, one like I've never seen before.

block

I'm the only one on this floor. As in, everyone seems to have not gotten on the elevator, or gotten off too early. Much to their disappointment, I might add, where they're at is nothing quite like this floor.

The building appears to be shabby from the outside, but it's in quite pristine condition with elegant tapestry and two pronged light posts every two meters on the wall. Gold plated. Dark, hard wood furniture and a red rug running down the endless hallways.

So many rooms, so many lost memories. I forgot what it was like to be 16 and loving you the right way. Things got muddier once the rest of life sunk in and time stole our youth. I no longer want to be oppressive. I realize that it has been my commonplace to do such things that were overbearing, and loud; very off-putting for you, or anyone who thought they loved me. It was a long, meandering road, but eventually I broke above the inversion - with the help of this tenant and some guidelines.

But this building, it has always been here. I've never really thought about it, but I've never left. Always just moving rooms, or up. It does get nicer though, the longer I stay with the higher I get.

Have I gone mad? Quite possibly yes, but Alice told me that all the best kinds of people do. I may have gone there, but I'm certainly back from it. I aspire to be pleasant, cheerful, observant, considerate and happy. Those things are nice, but quite hard. I've left the light on, in case you want to stumble in to this life.

zoom back in from outer space really fast

AND THEN IT HIT ME!


sometimes I wear my lungs on my sleeve.
i know i've been sick, and i have a horrible cough,
but watching wes anderson films makes me want to smoke so bad.

it's just so classy.

but the more i think about it, the more i'm encouraged to start running again.
to be a skinny cool rocker who smokes is the image i always lapse to,
but i'll die from lung cancer that way.

i just like smoking inside, wearing nice clothes.
having my own decanter set for once...
i love the spirit of it. not in a quaffable way, but for enjoyment and dinner parties.

whoops, that reminds me. gotta buy a house first.
oh boy, this is an expensive dream....

only God knows, everything, anyways

"So I crawl, back, into your opening arms..." -A Warning Sign by Coldplay

My head is stuffy
My heart is leaping
My nerves are bolting
My mind is racing
My stomach is churning
My ears are ringing
My words are mumbling
My focus is distracted
My hope is certain

It's coming time for a big big leap. Something I've never done before.
My hope comes from the Lord, either which way this goes.

Who do you look like?

Matthew 16:26 (ESV)

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

That is quite a loaded statement. You can thank Jesus for that one. In the midst of the ultimate call to die and follow - to give up everything you ever had and have total faith - to take up your cross daily and follow Jesus. That means everything: your lifestyle, your habits, your thinking and reason, your desires, your wants, your intake of media and liberal theology, your possessions, your time, your attention, your love, your diet, your image, your identity, your focus and your wrong ideas of God. And to think that giving all that up would be easy for something so certain as believing in Christ, for some reason it's the hardest thing to do.

To obey God is to give God your soul and entirety of trust. We can derive that as the antithetical statement of that verse. If you gain the whole world - it's pleasures and lure - your forfeit your soul. You worship yourself and other things as god. You are slave to the masters you so desire and lust after. Or, there's Jesus. Freedom in Christ. Submitting to the perfect Master, listening, following and trusting in every word. Jesus said in John 18 that for one reason He came and one reason He was born, and that was to bear witness to the truth.

I say all that because there's only two options here:

Total and ultimate surrender to perfect truth and grace in Jesus which leads to salvation and eternal life.

or

Total and definite enslavement to the world, the flesh and the devil and the hardening of your heart which results in the loss of your soul in hell forever.

There's no middle ground. No matter what approach different circles of religious and non-religious try to take or object, it's one, or the other.

Now, take all that and apply it to the Church; just as an interesting look at the state of who you look like as a Christian, and as a body.

What will it profit a Church if it gains the whole world and forfeits its soul?

What if the Church took measure to look like the world? To model and appeal after the world? To forsake the preaching of the Word of God to the Saints in the name of evangelism?

Wouldn't the same ramifications of a man gaining the world and losing his soul apply to the Church as well? Even if the Church meant well in it's intentions? That's not to say the congregants in the Church lose their salvation, but rather, the corporate gathering of Church life would cease to be living and eventually crumble down to but a few faithful saints, and lots of empty seats.

I don't have a lot of answers to this, but it's been treading in my heart for a long time and I see the state of the American Church and how it's severely dwindling. You end up with social clubs of "feel good" people, and the real Christians suffer because of it. The goal ought to be the preaching of the Word, exegetically. To understand what God says, always, about everything. Not just to skip over the hard parts, or the doctrinally difficult parts, or the offensive/non-P.C. parts, but to hit every word, to know as much as we can and live out what God has revealed to us.

There comes a point to which firm stances of Scripture need to be taken, and it's either willingly with growth, or reluctantly with strife and pain. I pray against Churches with shallow theology. I pray that they have men and women who have the zeal to take the initiative to know what God says, to know "why" they believe "what" they believe. Otherwise, you have dead and dying congregations and pastors preaching canned sermons to the unengaged few.

I pray for an American Reformation. I pray that God revives His Church, with His Word, for His Glory. I pray that I am a part of that in some way. I pray that I can be a pastor one day and plant a Church and preach the word (2 Tim 4:2). I pray that soon I can meet the woman who will one day be a pastors wife, who will help me in this neo-reformation. I pray for boldness and humility - unity and love. I pray for co-laborers, brothers and sisters who will stand firm on the precepts of God and the truth of His Gospel. I pray it will grow and change the paradigm of Church. That there will be a clear distinction between the people of God and those who aren't saved that need Christ. I pray for counter-culture Christianity that puts to shame the current face of "American Christianity". All for the Glory of God.

This is wildly offensive to most, and incredibly resounding to few, and I do not apologize. My prayer is that if you are offended, you would ask why. And if I am wrong in any of my statements, that I would be submissive to Biblical scrutiny and teachable. I want to look like the man God says to be, and be seen carrying His precious word forward.

Soli Deo Gloria

reflections

It's always quiet this time of night, this time of the year. Everyone are tucked away in their rooms, and I go up to the kitchen to grab more ice for my whisky glass. And this feeling comes over me, that it's going to be ok.

Spending time alone, a lot, and the majority of it is in my room reading, my mind will trail off to think of which way things will go. And sometimes I get worked up over it, and other times I don't have a problem in trusting God's sovereignty.

Now, I would consider myself a seasoned Christian, considering how long I've been pursuing a life unto the Lord (Coram Deo), how long I've been committed to the Rock, and growing up in a Christian household. With that said, it's very easy to look at myself and think I'm above "baby steps", or beyond learning from the essentials of the faith. Taking on weighty subjects under the headings of Reformed theology, orthodoxy/ecclesiastical history from an academic standpoint can seem to leave the basics of the faith in the shadows from all it's grandiose and lofty philosophies that are entangled. Yet, those basics are the very morsels I come back to time and time again for my soul. It is a monumental thing in the Christian life to live theology, and not just know it, and to live it well, unto the Glory of God.

The reason I said that is because I catch myself getting into theological discussions of various natures and disciplines, with various brothers quite often. And when I hear what I'm saying and really think about it, I do proclaim the truth of the Bible, yes. Scripture's authority is supreme regardless of anything. But, often I find that the same truth I so boldly talk about is quite small in my own life.

Knowing God's sovereignty, great.
Living in and trusting in God's sovereignty, amazing.

That dynamic is what will change me, and you, dear reader who is saved.

Last night at accountability group Tadd said something that was epically profound, and it really rung through my heart even until now. I'm paraphrasing here, but essentially He said, "We often think about how Christ would have died for us, out of all the elect, if we were the only ones who had ever sinned. But what we need to look at is that our sin that condemned him, and that we ought to picture ourselves standing before him bloody and beaten acting out our sin right there in front of him."

God's kindness is meant to lead me to repentance. I need to live more theology, rather than fill my head with something I wont use. If it came to that point, the pursuit of knowing God would be in vain and proven useless, for it would be simply meaningless knowledge stuck in the head of a fool.

I'll end with a passage of Scripture that really changed a lot for me lately:

Psalm 119:9-16 (ESV)

How can a young man keep his way pure?
By guarding it according to your word.
With my whole heart I seek you;
let me not wander from your commandments!
I have stored up your word in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.
Blessed are you, O LORD;
teach me your statutes!
With my lips I declare
all the rules of your mouth.
In the way of your testimonies I delight
as much as in all riches.
I will meditate on your precepts
and fix my eyes on your ways.
I will delight in your statutes;
I will not forget your word.


Soli Deo Gloria

upstairs

I now work with Kenny.
We share an office.
My boss bought me an iMac.
I'm going to be the face of the company.
Makes me consider a lot of things.
I'm learning a ton of things I never thought to know about.
guns. business. industry. tooling. design. data systems.

For certain, God has used this job thus far to teach me so much.
It has refined me. I wonder what's next.

I'm still just beginning. Lots to learn, fail at, try again, hope for, succeed in, win with.
This next month will prove to be the biggest one yet. Some light at the end of tunnels is beginning to appear. At which I must also confess, when going so fast for so long, with blinders on, it's hard to gauge the speed and/or arrival times of getting out of tunnels.

I'm not meant to be a locomotive. I am on the right track though.
God.is.unbelieveably.kind.that.it.overwhelms.me.to.the.point.of.tearful.gratitude.

Josh lent me a book to read, "Biblical Eldership".
I'm buying my own copy and workbook to mark up and do the study.
Bryan said it's really good too, from everything he read in it. So I'm eager to dig in - which is why this post is ending so I can scour a few chapters before bed.

Soli Deo Gloria

something I've held on to

Psalm 37
1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
2 For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.


3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.


5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.


7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

That is overwhelmingly encouraging, instructive and promising. God gives clear dictation to those whom he loves.

First stanza I draw out that I should not worry because of injustice, or what feels like wrongs done against me. Problems fade with time, in properly trusting the Lord. Not to say I neglect them, or sweep them under the rug, but that in diligent prayer and reading the Word God fights for me and as Christ as my High Priest interceding for me, there is nothing that can conquer me. (See John 17:9) It also leads the inclination that, yes, evil will be done against me - so I am not to be surprised or taken off guard when it does happen.

Second stanza, and I will be brief, I am greatly amazed at the firmness of the command to "Trust in the Lord" non-conditional. It is an infinitive verb to trust. Consistently, continually having a faith that grows. Then that is followed with "do good". So as I am to practice trust, I am to simultaneously do good expressively. That ties right into verse 4, which is self explanatory, yet profound in the depth and richness of that statement.

It's almost as if verses 3-6 are saying the same thing in different terms. A, B, metering couplet so to speak. And verse 7 is this grand kicker. Be still before Yahweh. And wait with patience for Him. Oh my goodness, to pray and meditate over these verses. So much is in there. So much meaning to my life.

All that considering the meeting I had with Josh Whitney this morning. We spoke for an hour, and he gave me wisdom, council and advise on many good things. We spoke mainly of ministry/future leadership and marriage. Then when I read this later on today, I was immensely struck by what the Holy Spirit was telling me. Things aren't as bad as I let them become in my head. Sometimes I just need to be rattled a bit as reminders to trust God.

post post (after post)

canvas - opulent atmosphere
something wildly heart sinking about white formations of dense water molecules
in a sun set
casting silhouettes on anything in it's path
over the ocean
past the recognition of boarders and culture
language didn't mean anything - it was just God saying "I love you" in an inaudible, magnificent way.

space and time fell out of place and rhythm. music wasn't metered - just an ora.
a hum, a rattle, nothing structured, but entirely symphonic.
like the tuning of angels and what glass hitting light in outer space would sound like.

color was so alive you could taste it, and green was your favorite as I recall.
your blue blue eyes lacked nothing, but gave off luster of God's specificity in your beauty.
and the geography of your skin was of perfect form.


i drew back, to retire to my study. i had to all but consider the many different lives that can come out of this. my words will inevitably move me forward - in the direction i want, or not. but that's what i think. i could just sit here and look at this picture. where words/mean/nothing/but/sound/evoked/emotion

though the dimly lit lights cast many shadows
and the skin hides the thoughts and the heart
there is much to draw concern for

though the loudness of words with holes in them
and lessening of importance for the "why" and not just the "what"
we must turn down the image and purvey the cold hard facts


it's a daunting and eerie feeling to see someone and be able to dissect their brain.
the look of sad eyes, or demeanor, or sway of language and enunciation says more than they think.
body language, hygiene, eye contact - or lack thereof, posture, comfortability...it all makes sense to me.
and i don't always know how to deal with it, because i notice it so much.

things may have gone from bad to worse, or worse to better, but the best is yet to come.
i do largely hold on to the fact that no matter how much i press and try and pray and dream and hope and desire, God has my life. i feel like i say some of the same things over and over, and even in explaining myself that way i repeat myself, but it's so real to me every day. even on the shitty days where i don't want to read my bible, or pray, or love God, or consider the girl, or go to work - i am reminded of God's ever abiding grace that He gives to me.

i have no place as a worship leader apart from what God did and how he's led me. the facts of life are hard to chew on, and break many of my teeth. right now i'm battling against lies, my flesh resisting God's refinement and to keep persistent.

i'm learning to deal with it. i'm getting ready for more.

this isn't happiness

A place where good advice comes few and far between.

Where getting fed isn't the primary places you think it ought to be.

Having someone legitimately know the places you've been,

and where you stand now,

and how awfully difficult it is.

the life I've lived in staring at you through my peripherals

not knowing ever what to really say with meaning

but wanting to say anything to know you

being shot down, completely shattered

it makes it that much more interesting to know

where you stand now,

and how awfully difficult it is.

the funny thing about seasons are that they aren't seasonal.

they last for YEARS sometimes.

while hopes and dreams are all fun and games

until I realized I wrapped them around your dynamite.

getting picked back up - out of love or sympathy to see

where you stand now,

and how awfully wonderful it is.

this is hard, and joyfully something fierce.

paradise

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach so she ran away in her sleep...and dreamed of Paradise."

I felt like some days it was so close. I felt like other days, I was the most reviling thing in her sight.

Storms come and wreck havoc. Makes me throw up white flags and just expect to get shot in the head.
Calms come and bring peace. Makes me more hopeful than any person who ever lived, and nothing could stop me.

and naturally I love this song too.

God only knows when, and who. I'm too old now to get on like this. Something's gotta give.

I had that dream, AGAIN

it's quite amazing how this world has changed in a decade.
two guys with nothing to lose, knocking down skylines, starting wars.
killing families, breaking hearts.
loneliness.

the paralyzing sound of nothingness.

the same thing that happens when a terribly sad thought, or song, or happenstance comes into your head.

it's also shocking to see how much, and how little things have happened in the last few years, too.
my life is something i don't get yet. i try to understand so much, and i'm in front of a lot of people, and forgotten.

i wonder who are my REAL friends.
the list gets terribly slim when i really think about it.
kind of makes me wish i had attended this luncheon instead, and just got it out of the way:

all the world is mad - i say i have no say
thanks for nothing

juxt a position (x=s?)

I'm not allowed to say things, because we're not in a place where hard things are accepted.
I'm not allowed to do things, because it hasn't gone through fake paper work and approval.
I'm not allowed to go places, because it doesn't make sense with other's plans.
I'm not allowed to be me, I guess.

Peter and the Wolf, fighting against the forthcoming brutal winter - something hounding me down, and the cold air crystalizing my lungs. I look forward to smoking a few cigarettes in the cold, crisp air.

For too long I've been told what to do. Suggestions became dictations and I'm not my own person.
God has a purpose for me, and I don't think that's to be a "yes" man. I am to be obedient and submissive, and I fight for that every day, and a fight myself to die and be that man. But not to roll over and not use my brain.

I'm going to be 23, and that's kind of scary. Makes me think of Jimmy Eat World.
Makes me think that 23 seemed impossible to reach when I was 17.
Knowing that I'm going to move out in the next 6 months and start a new chapter is pretty exciting. So much has happened, and so much still will.

I'm going to say more things than before.
I'm going to do more things than before.
I'm going to go more places than before.
I'm going to be me, who I am in Christ, free, slave, and really hit some areas of life hard.

Soli Deo Gloria

Appendix I

My hands are shaky, and I am terrified.
The perfect time to draw back to God.
I have these moments where I beseech my Lord to soften my hard heart.

flip the coin -

I'm terribly happy for the new things.
The possibility of life altering events.
To know that God leads me to battles he fights,
To valleys that he shelters,
To deserts where he quenches thirst,
To love where he shows his faithfulness,
And to certainty that no matter what, I'll be ok.

God is unnecessarily kind to me.
He keeps me when I lose it.
He holds me when I squirm.
He listens when I complain - and I shouldn't be found with any regret.
He corrects me, always.
He is good, for he is worthy, for he is Maker, and I am clay.

It's just one of those daft moments when my heart feels heavier - like a saturated sponge.
Like the first time you hear a sad song, and you play it 24 times before you stop and throw your head in your pillow - kind of like that.

I don't want to be a devotional kind of person. I want to be a devoted person who obeys God.
To be a man, is to always be centered in the heart of God. It's a daily task, and I have more manning up to do than I thought. Pride sucks as it sneaks back in to my heart.

The striking realities of life will take me off course if I lose my resolve.
God must be my all.

lucky now

when i feel terribly out numbered, pushed out, thought ill of, colored, used, abused, slandered, hated and betrayed - it hurts.

and i pray. and i want to forget everything.
and God is my comforter.

then Ryan Adams comes out with a new record, and I feel kinda better about most things - except I want to pick up smoking again.

Lucky Now by ryanadams


And you keep this in your brain forever: In Soviet Russia, my heart breaks you!

destruction

As MacArthur once said, "If God doesn't destroy America soon, he will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah..." speaking towards the moral decay and relativism that has swept through this culture.

I hope before it all ends, there's a woman for me to love. That's unbearably selfish I realize, but God gave me a heart to meld with another's.

Desperately, I want people to find Jesus and repent, and love him, and be saved. It's why I do the things I do, today. Tomorrow. It's why I printed 15,000 outreach cards. It's why I write songs. It's why I work 40-50 hours a week, plus ministry - to pour into people's lives. And not because I've done anything, but because God has driven me to desire to obey Him. And I love it. I love Him for it. I want to love the things of Him more, and less and less of the things of this world.

I don't want to fall prey to the culture that ensues everyone else.

And I need to stay faithful on my most important- vertical relationship. God is going to have to be my daily affection if any of it is going to keep working. It's so basic, and almost eye rolling obvious, but I need constant reminding.

It's why scripture repeats a lot of the same themes and principle lessons; we forget and need reteaching so much.

And then there's this video, because I love this song, and band.



God knows, I don't. We'll see what He has!

art is hot

when something amazing is mashed with something really cool, you get this:

I can't believe it's been a decade already. "Let's shag ass." -Royal

I've been found out

Rats, the speakeasies have open formed all this info...and they broke in and took photographs

so this is my public service announcement - so anyone who loves me and wants to help this war:

All my love,
HSH

I wonder about a few things:

Why didn't anyone ever teach me Portuguese?
No one, and I mean no one, ever brings up Bangladesh or Finland.
How long will I have to keep punching through rows of teeth?
You would think that any sensible person would own an egg timer.
Then there's this:

I guess there's only so much a guy can do in a day.
Willingly, I've lost my mind. Volition is a terrible thing in the hands of a pianist - there are no words where I go, when I go there.

Everyone is going to school. I'm going elsewhere this time.
trama

not my will, but Yours

understanding the things God has for my life is sometimes very difficult.
not by way of being restricted from what my heart desires, but by way of uncertainty.

this is another one of those seasons.

His will is far too great, far too complex, far too perfect for my limited understanding, even for the moment. So, I go, "I trust that everything in my life is in Your hands, and I can only obey because that's all I want to do."

Sometimes I don't know how to obey, or when. This brings so many questions, and so many answers to older questions.

This semester is kicking my trash already. I am super bummed about not being able to devote more time to school, so I dropped two classes. One class, I read a review of the English professor, and she had a 98% horrible rating. Various students said that she lost homework, didn't track grades, marked absent those who were in attendance and was rudely critical. So, no problem hitting the "drop" button on her.

I can't decide if I should take the last class or not. I know I need to keep pressing on in school, for more reasons than just finishing, but there's so much going on in the next several months that I wonder if it's ok to just not go this time. I have to set alarms on my phone to remind me to just breathe and pray. not really...but you get the idea.

Part of the mystery of God's will for my life.

Work is consuming me outside of work. I spend a lot of time reading marketing books, learning different design techniques and the whole new world of video. It's useful, real time information that's building my reputation at work. I think since being there nearly a year and getting to this point, it's worth going this route to get better at my job instead of writing papers on philosophy and humanism.

I also need to start eating better and working out a few times a week. Oh boy...

I just need fall, and Death Cab, and rain, and days to read, and reasons to wear a jacket. I've forgotten what it's like to feel my heart sink, in a good way.
God has wonderful plans, I'm sure. Just gotta move things from my eyes and see what I need to see.
I am Jack's overbearing conscience.

smile

tonight was incredibly encouraging.

I had some really good conversations with people whom I normally don't talk with - brothers and sisters alike. And for some reason, a few married sisters told me they appreciate me and think I'll be a great husband one day...which was incredibly humbling and flattering- but certainly out of the blue, to say the least.

There might be something in the air I'm missing.

Being able to bless others is a constant goal in my theology/ministry/life. God has given me much, though it's not a liberal amount of monetary things, I am very much drawn to give it back - or away. My time, money, attention, music and thoughts are all containers that I'm constantly giving to other people. I love giving my heart to my family - not in the "give your heart away" pertaining to foolishness - but that they have my affection and full attention.

To have brothers like Tadd, Mike, David and Paul to do ministry with - Accountability with select said dudes + Andrew and Rhett, hang outs with Josh Hardesty and Aaron, very dear brothers like Bryan, Dan and Billy - and to be so privileged to offer them the things I'm able to, that God has given me, is so satisfying and fulfilling.

Then I think about what it's gonna be like to give all this to one person. Everything - the culmination of all that God has made me to be. To pour it out through my heart to the woman of my dreams. That is a wild, exciting, nerve racking thought! I hope it's soon, but I'm ok if it's not - by way of trusting God's sovereign grace.

I'm kinda all over the place - no one continuous thought, but I have to wake up tomorrow and do this all over again in Sandy, for Sunday service. That will be interesting!

I feel good. Praise the Lord.

it's too late to make it count

so I will write about it tomorrow.

title.
explanation.
outline.
end.

scatterbrain

After an incredibly long week, I find myself locked in my room decompressing. Took up some reading and listening to B-sides and unreleased tracks of bands that I love.

My brain is on recharge and I can't seem to sort out what just happened. All I know is that last night was the most fun and joyous time playing music I've had in years. I think a lot of it had to do with tons of prayer and preparation.

Josh's message on sex and remaining in purity until I get married was super convicting for me. God really showed me areas in my heart where I have been lax and that I need to give that to Him, as well as tighten up and cut out my consumption of influences.

Some things that are coming up that kind of bum me out:
Football season: I don't really get to see my dad for four months because it consumes his life. All my friends get to worship their own teams and play fantasy games that really amount to nothing other than bragging rights. Sure, it's fun to watch a few games, and there's nothing wrong with rooting for a team - but I see how much a win/loss affects a person and that freaks me out. It's almost divisive. That much emotional stock should be invested into a relationship with God, or reading Scripture, or even pouring their lives into someone else.

I really wish I were going on the E11 trip too, but God has other plans for me I suppose. I might shoot for Honduras next year, and Asia at some point in the next 3-5 years. And be ready and willing to do anything else God leads me to.

I will pray that God will lead me to the right Church plant and the right woman. I've really let go of praying for those things, and I shouldn't have. I trust fully in the sovereignty of God, but I have not been faithful in praying like I used to be. No matter what, my heart is that my life is submissively giving God the Glory. Today is good, thank you Lord.

overbearing

John 15:19
If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.


In a world with so much stimulation - lights, color, screens, internet, sounds, bigger/better/now - it's really hard for me to step back and assess, rightly I might add, the state of my heart and the immediate circles therein.

So much is pressing to get in my brain. So much is digging to find root in my heart. It's almost disgusting how much of my time is spent filling myself with distraction. To be sure, there's moderate amounts of most things that are ok, but I can't help to think that all this input doesn't just sit there. Like some kind of reservoir of information that after all is spilled back out, a residual section remains, and it seeps down into my psyche.

Whatever it is I take in, good or bad, it holds some influence over me. (I realize this is a nominal approach to what I'm getting at, but bear with me.) So I ask myself, as a Christian, what things with Scripture in addition to, or instead of, am I letting indoctrinate me? I think a lot more things do influence us than we realize. And even more so, as Christians, I think we tend to hold on to the things that are not beneficial to us, though they may not be things of sin.

Thinking through my goals of the next few years, and wanting to go to unreached places for the Gospel, and that I want to plant a church, and the idea of "Don't waste your life", the profundities of how much uselessness I allow in my life, and I see others allow in their lives, is more than just a staggering shock, it's grounds for God to take everything away from us. And yet, by His grace He sustains us with the things we have and allows for us things to make us happy for enjoyment - not to be worshiped.

I'm going to end this overview here, but I think I'm going to continue looking intently at different ways that this intrusion of culture and world infects us, affects us and reflects us, with regards to Scripture.

Soli Deo Gloria

sharp.pain

i feel so crummy today.
woke up in a cold sweat, threw up at 5AM-then continued all day.
not sure what happened, other than this:

well, that would explain it. that's what happened inside of me. i want to go into a coma now.

Victor turned to Samantha and said, "Darling, your skin is quite translucent, but you still need to let me know. I realize many things can be done, but the one thing lacking is you haven't made it known to me."

There was a pause in the room. One of those discomforts in a lapse of time, but the distraction of the dust dancing in the sunlight as it crept through the half drawn curtains seemed to dampen the intensity of silence.

She tucked several locks of hair behind her ear, and slightly lifted her head and through a whisper and certainty she mumbled, "I have always loved you, but..." and yet another pause -

"But what, my darling?" Victor jolted, with a voice filled with concern and distress.

"...you have moved far too fast for far too long and I don't even know you anymore."

A sigh. A flood of realization of this tragic reality. A moment of reflection.

Then, a simple resolution. With sorrow, he replied, "I know. And I am terribly sorry for being in another world - I didn't know what to do."

Another pause, and she is hanging on his every word. Her breathing quickens, as to demand a final devotion from him.

He takes a deep breath, swallows hard, sits on the bed and grabs her hand.

"I will give it all up for the sake of you, my love." Then a tremor in his voice, "I need you to know me, so here I am. I would give up all the kingdoms of the world, all the wealth a man can posses, shoot down all the dreams I could ever have, to spend the remaining years of my life with you. To know you more than anyone. To love you."

She smiles softly. He rests his forehead on hers.

End Scene. Cut. Print.

Je veux votre amour et je veux votre vengeance

super sexy rendish.

I'm doing very well, thank you.

movin' on up...
literally.

ministry:
music - so much, so good.
I've written 6 new songs already, and we can't get to learning them until we do more "covers"
Writing hip hop for Rob, will be playing SOON
accountability - meeting with dudes in the mornings before work.
meeting as a group too.
outreach downtown
writing musical scores for Tony for FW11 and Colossians series
ramping up for some big launches too!

work:
got a promotion
got a raise
got a lot busier
got a lot to be grateful for

school:
finished strong this summer semester
had a class with Keaton - awesome.
lots of money...out of pocket!

I thank God so much for the undeserved good he does for me. Even today I'm reminded of his favor.
Learning, studying, quiet times - it's wonderful. I feel like I'm moving up - and I don't know what to or where, but God is doing some huge transitional things in my heart. It's wild.

Very excited to lead worship this weekend. and next weekend. and the weekend after that. ha!
So much, so joyous! Soli Deo Gloria!

mylo xyloto

they'll be moving us to mars

but I wasn't ever one to just sit in my chair and punch myself in the face.


it's overbearingly obvious that right now, I CAN'T LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT -
knowing that stick shift, steering and good planning left the door open and wilderness took over
my
heart

oh, sweet hindsight.




thousands and thousands of dollars in dead guys brains sit on my shelf
and i learned that their eyes saw past what my world masks - and i learn

e
s
s
e
n
c
e
of getting to it. no beating around the bush. more like belabor the point. the important things.

i'm not lost in space, but i'm headed somewhere: hold my breath, now.

confabulation

OK. there's this continual dialogue in my head - with who I am and who I want to be.

I have resolved that I will never be right, always. There's probably a 30-47% margin for accuracy - but that leaves the other portion of being wrong, to be blessedly humble and teachable either way. Win or lose.

2 things I desire right now: To be so resolved for the Gospel, daily, that I want God to take me out if I'm not doing otherwise. And second, to be a servant and submissive to such a degree that honors God, that it blesses people tremendously out of the overflow- alone to the Glory of God.

Gotta make this life count, and the parts that make the next 60 years count are now.

The old me tries to sneak in the doors or windows, but God is kind and snuffs out my flesh.

Sanctification is something I long for with Christ, and it's slowly but surely coming around.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Funk. Iron City.
Antique Lamp next to an odd colored wall - on all night.

Wages of Fire, Neptune.
Cutting off all the spines to your books - paper - disarray.

Flying fish, from Mario 1.
Bullets, from future wars.
Lick the bowl after the cookie batter was rolled out.

Empire Gorgeous - V 2.5
I'm not even finished, and there's still so many songs to write.

I knew someone better, than a bar tender.
Quickly, it's flown by, and months became so compact.
But we all sway to the beats of drum machines - in/our/heart

GIVE ME MORE

Joint ventures

Taking up new things, that otherwise were out of my league.

Funny how I want one thing, and get led a different way to get it.

I'm so busy, I can't believe it.
I don't have time to waste.
School is making it hard to breathe,
but in the long run, will open up the gates for a lot.

Meeting up with dudes always,
trying to stay on top of my study,
more things to study,
more things to design,
more things to learn in the realm of web and video,
working a ton + promotion soon....wild!

I hate when I see dust on my bookshelf. All my time and money spent into building a library, and I don't get to frequent it as much as I'd like. But it's like having my own theological Netflix I suppose...so that's nice.

It's nice to write on here every now and again, and scrape off the mud.
I really want to move out, but I don't know how that'll pan out.
I have to think long and hard of who I can really live with - how much I need to die to myself - or if living alone is an option.

Soon, answers to these questions will be found, given and considered. And I don't leave bread crumbs anymore, either.

"Prayer places our needs in the perspective of God's sufficiency, our problems in the perspective of his sovereignty, and our desires in the perspective of his will. Prayer is not a monologue. " -Michael Lawrence

The Statistics of a Man's heart: mainly mine.

1071 days, as of today.
28 replies of "No" by verbal or evasive communication.
28 broken female hearts.
28 opportunities to have been married or serious relationships otherwise.
1 worried/upset mother who keeps prodding at when I'm getting married.
1 mother telling me she wants me to find the girl, but isn't ready to be a grandma.
countless tears, prayers, yells, calms, drinks, pains, joys
worth while time seeking God - which is irreplaceable

learning patience, grace, listening, keeping a bold face, gripping my teeth and holding fast.

Life lessons that you can't read about. Priceless moments that I wouldn't trade for anything - even if it hurts.

Stats were never my thing, but they happened to me anyway.
This is 1 out of 1 person surveyed, and I don't know if there's a larger control group.
But I very much trust God. The gospel is my motivation above all. The cross is what moves me. Jesus is the one who saves me, sanctifies me and carries me. His scripture has never been brighter to me.

Soli Deo Gloria - there will be a future pastors wife for me.

"Gravity, is working against me...Gravity, wants to bring me down." -John Mayer

Well, I feel weird.

For the first time in years I feel good that God doesn't have a girl in my life.
It's been always pressing, discouraging, lonely, yet hopeful - for the one off phantom day that she might pop in and say, "Yeah, I agree. Let's just spend the rest of our lives together." (Which the pretense to that is me doing a lot of talking and explaining myself.)

And now, I look at everything and I'm completely satisfied and grateful for where God has put me.

I think it's just weird because it's always been the other way for my heart - now I feel, light?

My major caveat is not to exclude the option for a girl at all!!! I do want to find my perfect wife who wants to be a pastor's wife to whom God appoints me, and she's wonderful and beautiful altogether I know, but right now, it's just that time. But I can't live without her...haha.

I suppose a few things have to happen before the ball gets rolling. Those would be:

several sit ups and eating better.
moving out - and/or buying a house.

But I could be daft, and maybe nothing like that at all needs to happen.
I guess I just need to do more listening, because I'm good at patience for now.

k, i love you, when i know you.
But this song is bringing me lots of different heartbeats:


/
/
/
/
  Codex by Radiohead

smashed my heart into smithereens

I want so much so quickly, and I'm learning greater patience.
Big things in two weeks, two months, two years - two seconds of your time to hear me out.


My heart breaks for the lost, and those who haven't even heard the good news yet.
I think of those people in far off lands. I think of how I want to be used by God to help them.
My heart breaks over my sin, and the burdens I bear with others.
I think about the brother who wants to kill himself, and out of everyone, he calls me - that's heavy.
My heart breaks for the comfortability of the American Church, and how liberal that theology is.
I think about the hours I pray for God to cause a Neo-Reformation, and how I want to be a part of it.

At this point, I'm all over the place, in so much, and the next season will be extraction and rest of some form - I hope. And I'd give it all up if my Lord told me to go somewhere else.

I took your fan club off the do not cat-call list.
there was a full moon, though, which completely ruined the recording process.
it's just time for another short hair cut, and of course champagne.

but what I mostly love about life, is that even repeats are meant to happen. so it's original.

the kindness of God in warm gloves and sad departures. weighing heavy over my head is the Baltic Sea and how He wants things a certain way for us and tells me to let it go and sink.

other things he tells me to stay, and wait. like a dog across the yard waiting, sitting, wagging, for the treat, but "Staaaaayyyyy!" and then, "COMEHERE!!!" and bolted mad dashes. anything in my way would be shredded into ribbons. even teflon or affection.

it hurts like paper cuts. it heals like love from a mother.
it burns like sand in the eye. it calms like a late night on the way out of hell.

brightness just exploded all over the dashboard and screens, but magnificence aspired for so much more.

well, I'll give you that much

So, when TEOTWAWKI happens, if God doesn't rapture us beforehand - I'm fully convinced there will be an all out Zombie attack from government overhaul and power grids shutting down - thus releasing toxins that the CDC can't control.

I want to be prepared - and have formal training. If they are savage and mindless, I want to have my guns and ammo ready. If they are sophisticated and devious, I want to know how to communicate and be their leader. This book I think should help me get started:

the oddities of growing up and how civilization dies

everyone wants this world to be their idea of what the world should be -


which is absurd. your world view is shaped by what the world tells you to think about itself, but it doesn't get accomplished unless the vast majority of the population thinks this same way.

what will have to change is the world seeing how God meant for things to be.

unfortunately, this wont happen until it's too late. no man seeks after God, no man desires pure goodness - everything is an outset of professed morality - only on the basis of being better than the rapists, drug lords, thieves and homeless. academia, philosophy, self righteousness - all beliefs based on looking inside. that means you're looking to the very thing that violates God and His all.

things never looked the same, since I got to this point.

all the sudden I started considering the other buttons on the calculator. all the sudden, I thought about trying something on the menu that I've never heard of. all the sudden, music, art, sex and life had it's context - and it's infused in my mind.

God made us image bearers = even after the fall.
So the things we posses, are intentional from God.

Intellect, perception, love, anger, laughter, desire - all things imbedded from God.
What happened was sin ruined it all, and the Devil distorts it beyond that.

So - God making us sexual beings - to be fruitful and multiply within the confines of marriage is his intention. But the problem is that our world is driven by sex - and porn is beyond the internet and always has been before computers and the printing press.

God made us creative - but we love being creators, and forsaking Him as Creator. Because our expressionism is seemingly so profound that we think our own genius has been self-originated - and we knock all others aside to raise up our pedestal and be seen more than any other. We want to be God - and most philosophies and religions lead that path.

God made us to feel - and we exaggerate, abuse, stimulate, manipulate and meddle in things we ought not do. A lot of medicine is based on the idea of trying to stay alive - though it's not bad to take care of yourself, it just goes to show that man is scared to die - thus admitting God's sovereignty. A lot of diets, plastic surgeries, make-up, clothing, cars and homes are meant to be a facade to who we really are. They are good things too - but very much riddled with sin and disguise. A lot of drugs and alcohol are meant to be the salvation of the moment - and an escape from the deafening reality of dying humanity.

What will change it all is the Gospel. The good news of Jesus will change a person - 180°. But the saddening reality of this is that most people find this notion so bizzar, and that is because it goes against every indoctrination of life that fallen man has told us from crib, through school, into the workplace.
Jesus makes for a real identity. He changes the paradigm of sex. He changes the methods to stewardship and living. He is the focus of all that is good and perfect- thus being the originator and conduit of all creativeness and expressiveness. He eventually binds up the devil and every knee bows to confess he is Lord - willingly or not.

Then the world view changes to a Gospel view.
Then this world dies - to be made new - with those whom God saves.

Just some thoughts.

my weekend job..

I'm not that great at it, but it brings in extra dough (which I should just work at a bakery if I need that much extra dough)
I'm the one on the bottom left...

we were always tortured with the most invisible of hands

New song I wrote:

Miles

I cant find a place to grip
a place to win, a place in your ship

pour me out like fragrant wine
you've gotten over me
and that's just fine
you've started fires in me
and taken all that's mine

You have lost your way
the coldness in your step, can't see the light of day

here I stand above the tremble quake
all of my footing is gone
I've gone from bend to break
you've stolen blood from me
and called me your mistake

love was never gone
because love never arrived
and I was always wrong
to ever let you get inside
and you have left your heart
beating slowly at my bedside
so how do we restart
and keep this thing alive

Oh, don't take this too slow
You're too serious to live
But never let it go
Oh, my love, please tell me it's ok
You're begging me to try
I'm telling you I'll stay
Even though I'm miles away

You've got a friend in me...

"I was a nauseas and tingly all over. I was either in love, or I had smallpox." -Woody Allen

old town

sweet, velvet honeysuckle
slow drag of a soothing cigarette
the suave jazz of 1 A.M.

she loved me, and wouldn't tell me
all the boys were crazy for her
and i saw it
i saw her every now and again
after sets, i dropped down behind the stage
left my drink on the piano
stepped in the back ally way

you were standing by the car
in the pale moonlight
the silver sheen reflecting on your lips
and i never thought you looked more radiant
so gorgeous
so, right.

i don't know if you would ever know
or if i'll ever tell
but words have a way of ruining and making a lot of things
and a lack of words even more so