aftermath

There's quite a bit to process. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally spent.

I can't wait to hear all the sermons again, so I hope they're posted soon. Also, there were a ton of great seminars that I didn't get to experience that I'm additionally excited to listen to.

After hundreds of miles, pages of notes, hours of learning about God, hours of fellowship, tons of coffee and several rounds of chaotic Mafia, I'm just fried. In a good way. Not in the "Finals are this week" fried.

The one solid thing I know I can safely say that will greatly impact everything is: Am I being obedient to God? That question, it's implication and application, will unfold gradually over the next few weeks. But I'm certain my heart is crushed by that conviction-because I haven't been. I'm a slacker and I really genuinely want greater reform in my heart. I want to LOVE. I want to be FAITHFUL. I want a JESUS-CENTRIC heart. Utter shock and disarray, again in a good way, will take me a bit to figure this out.
Ok, great.

great day

I'm pretty encouraged, to say the least. Josh did a wonderful job with his sermon this morning, and he had some striking thoughts - unlike any way I've heard him speak before. I would imagine one's oratory skills are enhanced in front of larger crowds when one is confident on their presentation.

I also felt good about what I said during the seminar when I spoke. Mac had a lot of good thoughts and a good outline for men to follow, and he invited me up to speak. The following is the transcript of what I've prepared and shared during the seminar:

First, let me start off with some selected scriptures, which you most likely have heard before, but this is to set the frame for our thinking:

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous (wicked) way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting!

Matthew 28:19-20

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

1 Corinthians 9:24

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.

Hebrews 10:24-27

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries.

So what do those verses have to do with anything? Well, at the heart of it all, there lays an issue in ones depth of resolve for the gospel. Where does my eagerness line up in being a disciple, if it does at all? In my experience, these are the things I’ve learned implicationally with those verses.

A - Accountability is more than "confession hour". There will be no fruit or growth from gaining experience in wearing your heart on your sleeve to another brother. It's intentionally holding my brother accountable, and vice versa, to our convictions and God honoring conduct. It's easy to get comfortable and continue meeting out of routine, but if there is no proactive initiative to be held and hold my brother accountable, I've missed the mark. If you’re not even going to be honest, then don’t bother showing up because it’s a waste of time for everyone. Like 1 Cor 9, I must run the race that I might obtain the prize, and take this seriously- being held to the standard as clearly stated in Hebrews 10.

B - Accountability is Christ-like in its form. Throughout the gospels there are accounts of the multitudes that follow Jesus, the obvious twelve disciples called and chosen by Jesus, THEN, what I find cool is you see Jesus and the three disciples prominently appearing through the gospels; Peter, James and John. There was a closeness found in that inner circle, something that was life changing and refining allowing for those men to grow, be challenged and hear from the Lord.  They were huge leaders used in the development of the early church because of their collective lives yielded to the Lord. So how is my form, or molded life suited with regard to Jesus? Am I going to continue being the unknown drowned in the multitudes, or am forming my life like Psalm 139, begging God to search me out, take any wicked way from me and lead me to everlasting? There’s a huge contrast there, and surprisingly enough it’s easy to miss.

You see, everyone is called to full-time ministry; only some, like our pastors and church staff, get paid to do it.  And I feel a great misconception among men who don’t form their lives around Christ, is that they can coast by and not live how they ought to. Simply, they are the cowards who don't lead out in some way- staying under the radar by appearing fine on the outside. And I know that's brutal, but I've been grieved by "boys who can shave" that show up to church as if it were a social club, consume and do nothing proactive for the gospel.

Consider

1 Corinthians 3:12-15

12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.

That's the unaccountable person, the one who escapes through the flames.

But quickly back to that example contrasting the Multitudes to Peter, James and John are seen in the Church: Weekend congregation (big), house churches and small groups (med), accountability groups (small).  So in that respect, accountability is essential in it's fidelity for the serious Christian man. I feel that if I desire to be one after God's heart, I'll be a diligent student of the word, in honest prayer and seeking accountability, council and reproof from my brother(s). This is part of the resolve that I will model my life to be Christ-like, after Christ's own ministry.

C – Every part of me wants to always ask, “Am I glorifying God in this?” Whatever “this” is. That brings up a hard question, “Who am I really?” I’ve heard the adage said many times "Who you are when you're alone, is who you are." I am convinced that when I'm not taking action to be a LEGIT Christian man of godly character, it dramatically affects every part of my life. I struggled quite a bit with swearing and language, and a lot of it came about in my private life.  Soon I saw that I was slipping up in groups around dudes, then eventually around sisters. That’s not good, considering I call myself a Christian, and that I’m one of the worship leaders in front of an entire congregation. I became incredibly convicted, and by God’s grace and by way of accountability, that area of my life has dramatically improved. Obviously those who are saved are new creations in Christ, but maintaining accountability is vital to staying the course for years to leave a legacy of a gospel-centric, resolute life. Accountability is a major part of my life, which I can't do without. I know I'll fail left alone – because there’s the world, my flesh and the devil working against me, and it’ll effect me morally, spiritually, physically. There’s no such thing as a lone ranger Christian. SO, if who I am when I'm alone is God honoring, as a result of remaining transparent and accountable, then everything else will fall into place accordingly-honoring God. If not, it wrecks my life all over the place.

Just be intentional to have God be the center of your life and make you ready for his will. All this is to glorify my God. In my conclusion, be encouraged and think on the promise in Hebrews 12, of Christ as the “author and perfecter of our faith”. He’ll see you through ‘til he returns or calls you home.

Flipped

There's a film that I recently watched called, Flipped.

It's a film set in the sixties about growing up, a boy and a girl, and love. A good wholesome movie, painting a perfect picture of American beauty. And it really was very endearing to me, so much that I think how un-relatable it is to me for how perfect it made growing up seem. But the truth is, I find it to be most relatable. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know it is somehow. Just like how I hopelessly fell in love with Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. In the same way, that show had the same effect on me...and it's so unruly how it plays with my mind. Something about living in a seemingly simple world, in the sixties-summers of love, and the magic that sparked in the innocence of childhood.

And here I am talking about being young, summertime and love stories on Christmas Eve...no wonder I'm a hopeless romantic!

I like to be able to think about different life sometimes, but there's always the truth of scripture pointing me to put away childish things, trusting the sovereignty of God and where I am is where I'm to be. I don't know. I think the creative parts of my brain pulls all this stuff up because I secretly want to write a novel, or a screenplay- even if they never get used or published.

But dear reader, if you get a chance, take the time to watch Flipped. It's only an hour and a half, and it's a warm, heart-felt movie that'll really make you smile. For now, I bid thee good tidings of great joy! Merry Christmas, sleep time!

i dislike horror movies

Last night was just weird. Night of worship at church, then expensive pizza that's ok at best. Then we went to watch a stupid horror movie at a friend's house. Texas Chainsaw Massacre is so gross, so disgusting with gore...filled with evil, fruitless things. I'm done with those movies, no more, so I walked out halfway through. I didn't even want to watch it in the first place. I feel like those kinds of movies in a sense exalt demonic things. Why would I want to subject myself to watching those sorts of things? It gave me a really weird feeling, and I had nightmares as a result of it. Sure, that argument of subjection can be made about anything; which is why I'm becoming more aware and discerning of what I'm letting influence my mind. It's just one of those things that I have a low threshold for, and I don't want to desensitize myself anymore. Anyway..

long precious week...

how wild, I can't even push my mind through the express lane of "being done" with the semester.

Work was long, tedious and lots of new things to learn. Very repetitious I might add, but productive to say the least. I feel like my two bosses, Mike and our engineer all have me do various jobs throughout the day, while trying to do my job at the same time. I like that they find me valuable enough to want to utilize me, I've just never known this type of working style, so I'm getting used to it. Also, our company is going to be featured on Myth Busters, to bust a myth on silencers. They flew out to Cali this week to film, and it should premier within the next season- so that's exciting, and will hopefully generate more revenue for the company. God is good and he provides.

I really blew it on a test. Can't believe how bad I did...pretty upsetting. I don't know where my mind was, but I just didn't win it. I still passed the class, but it really hurt my grade. I'm still pressing forward, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep growing and seeking God and pursuing a future to make ready for whatever God has. I'm thinking and praying about moving back out within the next 6 months to a year. School and work, that whole balancing act, along with serving the church (small group/house church/band practice/accountability/discipleship) is challenging to be sure, but I'm not challenged enough. I feel like if I make myself more independent, I'll really be challenged with school. Try harder essentially. I need that, because sometimes when things come easy, I take it easy and don't apply myself. That's not being a good steward, I don't think. God is good and he provides.

I gotta keep learning what to say, what not to say, and when to just be quiet. It's something I've become increasingly conscientious of, and I try to apply it as much as possible, but I often slip up. It's ok though, things will work out better.

This verse has really struck my heart, and it's so true. Nehemiah 8:10b says:
"And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

That is so true. I have so many reasons to be tired and burnt out, but the more that I find myself meditating on God's word, what I'm doing for the Lord in my day to day, I find that his joy is literally my strength. I don't know how else to explain it. As for now, it's late, I've made a night cap, grilled cheese and soup, and I'm ready to chill out and smile. God is good and he provides! Amen.

few things on my mind:

I can't find my Gameboy Advance power cord. Which means I'm unable to play it because it's dead and the cord is nowhere to be found. It sucks just looking at Super Mario World sitting in there, and wanting to use Yoshi to eat a blue shell and fly. Bummer.


Today was wild. I don't know what it is, but since I'm free from school for a few weeks, time has no context for me. I literally clock in for work, work a lot, then it's already lunch time and it hasn't seemed that long. Then the day is done. Bam, just like that. So much work to be done, lots of learning, lots of cuts on my fingers, it's good to work hard - I feel satisfied.

Also, I'm glad that for the most part, I throw in my iPod at work, and just go to town on sermons. I'll play music occasionally, but my heart is longing to be plumed deeply into the Word. I'm learning so much and God is showing me a lot. It's wrecking my heart how callous I've become- how it's easy to become unmotivated for the gospel in areas of my life I wouldn't really pay attention to.

Which brings me to something pretty exciting for me. I've been learning a lot and growing in my relationship with the Lord over this past year. A lot of that is due to having regular accountability with Jesse, Rob and continually now with Tadd. Mac has asked me to speak at Faithwalkers in a seminar on the topic of Accountability, what it means to me and how that might work out for a single guy. I'm really honored to even be considered for this, but I'm completely thrilled at the idea of getting what God has shown me and my thoughts across to other men in the movement and stirring them up! Showing them the biblical pattern and importance of modeling one's life after Christ's ministry, and that a large portion of it starts with accountability.

So I'll be preparing that talk, and praying, and rehearsing, and looking for that darn cord so I can play my Gameboy for once...I'm really blessed. Today was a good day, unlike the rest of this week. It's nice to just chill out now. Soli Deo Gloria

whisky, and too much inspiration

one of those things
instances where you see other people's lives
and how much I wish my parent's were rich to just put me through school

but, the reality is, I gotta keep pressing on.

looking at where I'm at in my life, I don't know what will happen in the next month or so. I've been talking with Josh about what I should probably do-regarding the best options for my life right now, but ultimately, I want to fall on my face so hard and weep before the Lord. wanting him to know my heart, by way of exposing everything. wanting to know him more, by way of giving up my heart more.

Whenever I enjoy a nice night cap, I always get this wild groove vain in my brain. I can't contain it, but all I want to do is write you an album, telling of things you'd never even imagine in 10,000 years. Something classy and innovative. Makes me want to write the sexiest record ever. Totally changes what I had in my mind for something good.

But, it's so genuine.

Poem #4/Unsportsmanlike Awakening

Sorrow found me when I was young...
∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅∅
I awake, middle of the night, in disbelief of where things are.
Things like love lost, then found
Things like time wasted, and well spent
Wanting to say more

Unsettling dead silence
Eyes open, like it's been a long slumber
It's still 2:38AM, and I should not surrender until I've passed the tunnel.

Soon, stories and confessions bridging canyons,
and drawing lines, connecting dots, following patterns that stars have made that already blew up.
If those things are on the map, that is. I hate being awake right now.
Hospital bed, pull the plug, I'm not conception inception, power outage without any sort of idea.

You do things, I'm sure of it. I'll make quieter, and go on for this.
∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉∉
...'cause I dont want to get over you.

I'm very interested to see this

I believe as a result of my film class, I've become increasingly attracted to documentaries. If my professor heard me say that, she would probably see to it I got A's for the rest of my academic career...ha!



The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction.  By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say.  ~Mark Twain

work in progress

I've had so much on my heart lately. Really the only good way I know how to cope with it and work through it is writing music. A lot of it I feel in the actual music. The tones and colour that penetrates through the pulses. And I love shiny sounds, and good hooks.

Then there are the lyrics, and I wanted something very simple. I normally don't do this, but I've uploaded a sample so far of what I've been working on. I showed it to the band, and Billy says he loves it. We're working through drumming patters and making it elctrorganic. Implementing pads and samples but making it band playable. So, here it is. Feel free to leave a comment on what you think. Please don't post this publicly on facebook or anything yet- I put it on here because I have a limited number of readers. Thanks :)

  newsongidea by Hayden Henderson

you haven't met me yet

this sin of my humanity, it lies in my flesh, and lies through my flesh, and lies to my flesh:

I'm the worst son
the ungrateful one
the complaining gnaw

the stuck up american boy
with dreams of flesh
and self preservation

a volatile agony
the heartbreak
and what I hate so much in you, is how you've become like me.

the perversion of simple
taking scissors to everyone's life
and there's no middle ground

I run wild, with fire in my eyes
an unrestrained heart
and all that I cry is "God, please make this stop"

that's all, and I cry

THEN WITH FERVENT WORDS,
AND HOPEFUL RESOLVE
I SCREAM


"I LOVE YOU JESUS, I LOVE YOU"

Poem #3

glass box
lined in blue and white neon
shot me back 25 years
time didn't matter
a complex function
something I wasn't meant to understand
variables and sequences
couldn't fix the now, then, or ever
ebony glass, with a cold sheen
so brittle, and fragile
nothing can move without permission
so then I take precautions
because nothing is controlled by my mind
only in it

it's like a journey
trial and voyage
exile within exile
the only things that sound appealing
are: paint, time to myself, books, writing
I want a masterpiece
it wont happen the first try
but the first try is a step
and I know it's possible

take some moments
and remember

Poem #2/floods of thoughts

I've gone down roads like these
Before time took to beating my face
Smoke screen after smoke screen
I hide outside, behind a cigarette

It's always a black jacket,
And something warm around my neck
Shielded from this cold weather I love so much
Wanting something so badly, I don't know what to do with it.

Through the thick night, and steady fog
light posts drape orange dresses, postmarks to take me to bed.
Only me and the sound of the tires on the wet road, over the hum of my engine.
So specific in sound, it made my mind lethargic towards all other thoughts.
Sounds that will paralyze me, and cause me to become instantly infatuated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being too accustomed to comfort, I've evolved into stationary
Not making moves, on anything, and that's what is killing me.
The awful thing about that, though, I don't have a place elsewhere,
and I still haven't left.

I suppose I don't know how to be real,
and speaking of vulnerability, it's easy to say that on this end of my screen.
I suck at being in public, or public secrets, or cliques, and I haven't found
a whole bunch of people to allow me to work it out...

In all of it though, I'm tired and burnt by this semester.
Cant wait for a break, and Jesus to wreck my heart again.
Gotta grow into my new position, I'm not who I used to be...says a lot of people, I guess.
Gotta stop this whiney bull crap, it probably sounds like all I do is complain when I write...
I'm over it

Poem #1

You are contagious, light up a room
like static and bedazzlement.
The joy in your face, I can't replace
for your affection is far too sweet;
pure and genuine, never to be matched.

Composed and subtle,
You are the sweetest thing I've ever known.
Your love is caring, yet reserved
and like your affection, paramount to who you are.

These are the things I've not felt, nor known.
Some kinds of things I would like to feel.
Out of the corner of my eye, I think I catch a glimpse of it
but it's never certain.
And my timing is slightly off pace, entering the room,
only to see the side of your eyes, through your hair
as you leave through the door.

So I try and think about how to bide my time,
and leave rooms the same time you do.
I fill my days with things to occupy my life,
so that you don't have to.
Books became my world.
I listen to orchestras of pandemonium
I see flashes of chaos, even through the pages...
My hand is cold, but love is not lost.

Fin.

GAGA Oooh LA LA

I'm really into lots of different artists right now. And usually there's a certain disposition between genres when it comes to "flow of mood". But, not so with me. I've been listening to Girl Talk, which is mash up hip hop with different "hit" songs, then going right into Death Cab. Or Saosin right into The Beatles. Maybe I'm listening to Coldplay and then throw on some Crystal Method, or something pulsey and electronic.

I like that Lady Gaga has worked really hard to get where she's at, given there's a lot of money tied up in her act, but she's making pop music, super dancy, and has that weird Bjork-style interaction with the public. She's like viral, without the flash in the pan sort of deal. Granted, she'll probably be out of the limelight in the next few years if she keeps making dance music, and any other kind of music might be too serious for her. Nonetheless, it's cool to think about it in principle. Working that hard, with what you've got, and getting to where you wanna go.

I would like to do the same things, but follow the mantra of:

Love God
Bless the Saints
Win the Lost

So, anything, even if it's not music, be devoted and worked hard for like that.
"Where is my mind?"-The Pixies

I'm completely satisfied

Interesting weekend to say the least. I normally get in a really weird mood before playing at church, but I had to keep reminding myself of God's truth. Before the service, when we go upstairs to pray and hang out, I was reading Psalm 103:10b-12. It says:

He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Then we played Divine Romance, and the combinations of those verses plus those lyrics really got me thinking. No matter how inadequate I feel about different things in my life, God's grace is entirely sufficient for me. My qualifications hold no contingency on what I do for the Lord. I know I try to give him my best, my all, but even if my sacrifice isn't the best, He still has my heart. And even when this world screams at my heart, God pulls me through all of it. And in Him, nothing else on my mind matters. In Him, I'm completely satisfied.

But what's been really great is learning God's truth, hanging out with friends, getting to know new people, and just chillin' out. 

We are of good courage

2 Corinthians 5:9 So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him.

Dang. Good refresher course, I guess. Not really a course, but it got my memory jogging. And I think about so many things once my head gets going like that. Ideas and creativity, thoughts of different ways to reach people for Jesus. Dreams of things to do to express my creativity and glorify God. And I one day want to make a substantial amount of money, to be greatly generous to people: providing for my family (immediate/wife&kids, Church, friends), affluent for the gospel, and influential by means of serving others.

That will come with hard work and my degree. A portfolio and big dreams, stuck to a plan and schedule!


I like that verse ↑↑↑ because Paul seems to be on a kick about relentless pursuit of adoration in our lives; glorifying God in literally every circumstance. Even the mundane ones, driving somewhere, doing laundry, keeping a clean house, writing. For me, I think that's obvious in music, design and writing. I write a lot of obscure thoughts in poetic form; austere in nature, yet fiction as much as my heart lets it become. At work, I've taken to listen to sermon upon sermon by Whitney, Young, Croswhite, MacArthur, Sproul, Driscoll, and Piper. I try to make the most of my time while getting things done. Learning and working, it's great. Then school is almost over. I get to gear a few projects into personal beliefs, which inevitably get around to me talking about Jesus with someone. That's pretty neat. I think my professors have a certain respect for that, even if they disagree with what I say.

I do feel like I look through several areas of my life, as if looking through different window panes. As to say, I can't look at design the way I look at work, but music and design are similar in my perspectives. That probably makes zero sense, but it's the only way I can explain that right now. Anyway, I made an image that kinda matches my brain right now....

  Treefight For Sunlight - What Became of You and I by Bella Union

so...I guess that's it for now? I hope something comes of "Blackmatchstick", I'm really trying with it...

№ 42»

just look, straight in my eyes
don't bat away, or try to hide whatever it is that you're all the sudden so afraid of showing.

it's not magic. nor coincidence.
some things just are.

I'll write pages and pages of songs,
I'll cover thousands of canvases with colour,
I'll drive hundreds of miles to take you places,
I'll not speak, to simply hear you breathe.

In this time we have, let it become everything we hoped it to be.

Digital, obsolete. So many ways to paraphrase to pair a phrase.
Analogue, obstacle. I'm going with legacy, on this one.






You'll find me on the grid, moving steadily, but slow enough that you can catch up.

i suppose...

this is the card I would like to give people*, to have them at some point in the future give back to me, if at all.

*Note: this isn't something I give to them because I'm directing the comment AT them, merely giving them a resource to express their affections towards me. Conceited? Yes. Convenient? Yes.




The Lord IS working on me though. I feel the thaw of my heart in these colder days. I feel different than I did even two weeks ago. Maybe the end of the semester is the lighthouse on the shore. Maybe I'm not in love.  Maybe riots weren't meant for next year and had to happen in between unspoken months, then. Maybe I am on to something. Maybe a change of scenery and different pace coloured things different. And I still consider myself mostly English, in genetical terms. (Hence, my humor in this post?) Get over it.

deaf

walls of blank, padded snow lining the street
nothing looks like it did when i left
it's otherworldly and disarming

a giant padded cell, that lines the familiarities in my mind
thinking, awake o sleeper

opening the car door, one foot crunched in the sheet of white, my ears start ringing, because there is nothing to be heard. Winter's bitter kiss has struck, and I was ill prepared for any of it.

where is my mind?

mashups

I've been listening to the new Girl Talk record tonight, and hearing so many combinations of music makes me think about different parts of the world. I don't know why, but it's like everyone's creative freedom has been stripped from them and made into something else, almost better in some cases.

I thought about the homeless teenage couple hanging out in the subways of Kiev. I watched a movie about the underground world in Ukraine...super freaky.  I thought about the Persian Princess sitting in her luxury sweet in Saudi Arabia, and how her biggest problem is that her cell phone is getting crappy service.  I thought about the Middle American husband coming home late from a low paying job, trying his best to support his family but he gets home to a house of chaos. I thought about the Lower Manhattan Yuppie with nice clothes and a regal wristwatch, which I covet, and how he's going for sushi tonight with his girlfriend. I thought about a small family village in Central America, where they have humble surroundings, but they are most satisfied with life. I thought about the mom dying of aids in Sudan, and her children mourning from the pain of inevitable loss, and how that breaks my heart too.  I thought about the Japanese family of three, living on the 67th floor in a chic apartment in downtown Tokyo, and how they all finally sat down for a meal together amidst their hectic lives.

All those things together make me think that this world isn't that big. It means that I still have a lot of time to travel it all and share Christ. Preach the word, is all I have to do, even without language if possible.

I'm also freaked out how much IBM wants to make this planet smarter. That seems dangerous, but necessary for the end things to start. Just don't put chips in me, for fear of waking up like a robot, and seeing I never had a heart at all...which would explain a lot.  Oh and also, I have taken a liking to Cherry 7UP with Seagrams or Absolut.

doulos

I might get the word "Doulos" as a tattoo. I love that idea.

Romans 1:1 says: Paul, a bondservant of Jesus Christ...
that word, bondservant, in the greek is actually Doulos, which means "slave". Regardless of Paul's apostleship and ranking in office, he always viewed himself primarily and chiefly as just that, a slave to Christ.  And that's a curious thought: Once a slave to sin, now a slave to Christ. But what an honoring position at that. It's wonderful to think about in terms of redemption and grace. God's wrath being satisfied in Jesus, having died on the cross for the sins of those whom God has appointed for salvation. A sufficient atonement. The propitiation of all my unrighteousness, bringing me before God blameless, without spot or blemish. As forgotten as the east is from the west. That regardless all of those things which enslaved me, he translated me to being covered by the blood of the Lamb who was slain.

This is the case with all who comprise the Church as a whole. R.C. Sproul said, "The church is the ekklesia, the Greek word that comes from the verb kaleo, meaning 'to call,' and the prefix ek- meaning 'out of.' Every Christian is called out of the world, out of bondage, out of death, and out of sin, and into Christ and into his body...all who are truly part of the Church have been called out, separated by the Holy Spirit."

That's pretty incredible to think about. Those whom are Christian, that is to say, who are saved and called, are brought from one end of the spectrum, death and sin, to the other end of life, redemption, salvation and glory, being reconciled to God. It's a transition of bondage, to bondservant. Enslaved to sin, to being a slave for Jesus. Mankind is made to worship, and its all just a matter of the objective direction that the person's devotion is willed to go.

So that at the end of my life, I will be able to say, "Hayden, a slave of Jesus Christ..."
That being the goal of my life, so willingly to submit myself and all I do to the glory of God, proclaiming the name of Jesus, making disciples of ALL nations, being a student of scripture and loving his people; to hear "well done, good and faithful servant."

And the thing of it is, it's not something I can just up and leave. God promises as the author of faith, to also be the finisher of my faith, seeing it to it's full completion. Slave for life, to the Creator of everything. That sounds wonderful. To be doulos coram Deo, a slave before the face of God. What an honor to be set out with that sort of task. Amen, too many thoughts to even concentrate on one topic! Wonderful. Praise be to God.

shifty

my eyes haven't calibrated yet. and I'm getting my teeth cleaned in the morning.

it's all go, and no stop. I don't even feel adequate when I sleep. Right now, it's really hard to deal with everything at once. I got supremely overwhelmed on the drive home, and my first thought was, "Dear Lord, please please please keep me steady. I can't seem to deal with all this. Backlogged items I've left unattended, sin I'm convicted of, people I need in my life, time that I need to just read."

And God is close to the broken hearted. He's close to me.
Right now, I do feel broken. Burdened by so much, only because my mind just goes there.

it's unfair how it processes like that, but it's even more important that I sort through it all, as much as I can get through one thing at a time. I do realize some things will take months. Others, longer. I just want some new socks. Black ones. That are really comfy. And a nice fire, with a tall glass of ice water.

My body is out of whack, so that's probably it too. I AM SLEEP deprived. and when I look at something remotely illuminated, it leaves this weird trace on my eyes...Goodnight, again.

car heater

Those five minutes or so, sitting in the cold waiting for the car to warm up the heater, a lot of things started to rush to my panel of twelve spots of thought process. There are always at least twelve things occupying those spaces, and sometimes more, when it's quiet and dark.

1. My toes are so cold.

And they really were, I forgot that canvas shoes don't really do well for me from October-March, but I wouldn't do without them anyway. So it's kind of a curiously silly notion to not find them useful.

2. I need to throw away that laffy taffy wrapper when I get home.

For some reason or another, I'll always find some stray piece of trash loitering my passenger seat; as it is 99% of the time vacant, which sometimes makes winter that much colder. But I peaked at the joke to see if I knew it already. And I have no reservations on laughing out loud, alone, in my car, with the guy in the pick-up truck next to me staring at me like I'm crazy. He's half right.

3. What does my engine look like when I drive.

I always go into this pretend x-ray mode, and want to see a real time motion of the pistons and combustion that occurs. I imagine that is what happens in my brain. Then I think, I'm thinking about my brain thinking; irony? no. Perpendicularly opposite mirrors? Yes.

4. I wonder what doing homework is like with someone who enjoys school, or is good at studying.

That thought lasted about 3.4 seconds.

By this time I was already to the red traffic light, turning right to leave the school.

5. I wonder who else I know is at school this late?

I couldn't really think straight about everyone I know who's a student in higher academia somewhere.  The only people that popped in my mind were Tadd and Philip. But they go in the mornings.

6. Let's hope there's mail for me when I get home.

I always like getting something in the mail, even if it's just something to rip up and throw away. In a weird way, it makes me feel important. And it's super great when it is a letter, or an invite, or even a parcel with goods inside. (Mostly it'd be a book or five...)

7. A lot of pictures rolling through my head:

Autumn leaves in the canyon, the university in Omaha, Nick playing his guitar, Panda Express' glass fridges where you can see the vegetables, a back ally way with a dumpster and passed out homeless guy, me sitting in a coffee shop talking with someone...and about a hundred other images just flash right on through.

8. I haven't picked a song yet.

So I flip off the lock switch from my iPod, and scroll without looking, then click to let it play and guess what it is before I see my random choice. Tonight it was a wonderful surprise of Rachael Yamagata. It made my drive home pretty wonderful.

9. Ooooh, there's some heat coming out of the slots.

When this happens, I realize in about a minute, it'll be nice and toasty and I can turn the dial from "Lo" to about Mid-Hi so my windows don't fog up.

10. Check my phone to see who I need to call.

I called Aaron, Mom, and Josh.

11. There's a blue jolly rancher in my jacket pocket.

Another nice surprise. I saved it until now, to have after dinner.

12. This warm air, the cold autumn night and this song is a really sweet combo.

thank you Jesus. for everything. seriously.

warm car heater, warmed heart, warm song.

here it is:


and it made my heart do that thing...when you hear a stranger totally relate in a curious way, and then your heart kinda swells up and churns; like when it does before you're going to cry, except you don't even cry, or get sad.

I'm really ok though. I get through thinking about the 12 things that occupied my mind tonight, and I smile. I'm smiling now. Goodnight :-)

otherwise

a nice end to an otherwise depressing weekend.
otherwise i would have been upset still.
it's good to get other wise council from people, I realize.

I just want to sing worship songs all the time. And write them.
For now, I'll sip on some dr. pepper and whisky and listen to Hotel by Moby.

language and magic

theres a crisp air, leaking in
it is not subtle either; quite jarring
and the warmth of 7:26AM leaves my fluffy comforter.

cat scratch at the door, and I know that coffee wont grind and brew itself...
so I drag my lifeless pouch of skin and bones up the stairs, go pee, and let the dogs out.

I'm not even in the mood to read, but I should. My life is lacking a motivating factor.
I have my planned out course, and I'm certainly sticking to it, but as I was telling Josh,
there's just not any plot of land that my ship has to look forward to. For harbor, for rest, for love.

He told me that when he and Krista started dating, everything in his life got serious, real quick.
C grades to A's. Bible study was more strict. Involvement in church and friendships became more intentional. Money and budget became a brick, instead of loosely abiding by a paper. But these things don't happen magically, of course. It takes work and persistence.

The point is, he said, it's rough not having that. But to work towards it in principle. It's nice to think about buying a house, and having a good car, and a salary job or my own business, but these things are nothing. These are nothings I want to share with a wife. I say it that way, because in comparison to whoever she is, these "attainable and admirable" things are just nothing.

anyway, I have some music business to attend to. it's nice to keep that in my life as a release.
Things to sort, and tax, and try. Things to veto and scratch, but others to refine and perfect.
Other things to maintain and just be regular in them. Then go out for a beer or six.

I miss Zach too. It's been a while since we buddied up, but I understand he's busy.
And I miss old life. Life before newbies who are older, who are not so new now, came into the picture.
I left it all on a floppy drive, my old life. And damnit, wouldn't you know, there's not a computer around to read it! Guess I just gotta move on.

there's something about new blue jeans

I love getting new pants
and today, I got three new pairs
I feel like a new dude with new goals
It's weird, and I'm somehow stoked on everything


This has also made me want to watch what I eat, and diet better.
Also work out three times a week at least. (I have a gym pass that hasn't been used much)

I have had a good weekend, considering it's late Sunday already and I'm spent.
Great to meet Chad Johnson from Come & Live, and hang out with the dudes.
Lots of dreams and ideas to work out, getting council this week.
Pressing through all this muddy schoolwork, to attain the prize of a degree.

I've had weird and freaky dreams the last few nights, and it messes with my heart a lot.
This IS random and mostly sentence explanations of what's going on.
I dig that God is refining me, way past and continually beyond where I thought I would be.
And, I have new pants. Sweet

when the water turns to wine, did it feel the same?

it goes much faster than anticipated - - - or, out of context, it seems normal?
they laced all the candy with cocaine, sucking the bottle dry, and we're all weaning into slavery.

it's sadness, because so many people will not stand up. they've been crippled.
covenant liars, promising that they'll change, but they're changing the people, to fit their ideas.
bending to breaking, breaking of bread to picking up my cross. it's difficult, but necessary.


microphone-check one two, i would usually go there. my mind is blannnnnnnnnk=Syntax Error///////////////////////00001011010110101100010100101110101011101010110010100010101000101
→±∞∠2∫x:42*≠♥

i was never good at math, or love. that's what that means
this doesn't feel the same, and you know that too. there are things i really wish i would have said, six years ago. it's been a really hard few weeks. very reflective, not satisfied, completely convicted, and apathy moved in next door, and she keeps peering out the blinds-waiting to sneak in.

the temperature has decreased, which I really admire. there are so many scars I see, that prove the war. Just looking at the wrinkles on my forehead, and how haggard this road has been, I feel like I can keep going onward. There's zero point in stopping for a rest right now.

breathe in the autumn, baby. (if you were somebody else...)

Ivory Tower

I find that my world is crumbling down. Which is quite odd considering that it's "my world" and not "the world", so in my proximity, I should have noticed these things.

Cookie cutter ideas of who people are, what things should be, times, places and changes are all not what I expected. I built things up, and didn't build some things up enough. My kingdom and dominion is now dust, and open handed I stand before God's sovereign purpose, blowing a gust of wind and wiping everything away. Sometimes it feels like I'm just staring at the sun for so long, then I try and look elsewhere and decide where to go; except I can't see anything, so out of impulse I just run. My corneas are seared and I can only see certain things now. Which is good, considering the place I live. A.K.A. The World....

I've been wrong about a lot of things. But I've also been certain about a lot of things, even things that are certainly not in my best interest. Things that I hoped would come to pass, but now I realize that some princesses just aren't worth it, and some treasures are worth less than the cost to attain them. That would sound cowardice to some, but for right now, I do not have the time nor the slightest desire to chase shadows.

I fought the dragon, and he burned me. I stood before the door, and I shuffled through many keys. I left my sword under my pillow, and the tooth fairy cut off her hands. This week has been full of weird dichotomies. I've been a bad steward, but sure learned a lot. I've dropped the ball, yet gained a lot of ground. I'm confused and certain about my directions. I realized I haven't listened to Plans yet, and it's even Jacket weather already. I just keep thinking this is so surreal, I'm going to wake up in a drug induced coma, or find out that I've been in a dream this whole time. But I pinch myself to assure that even in writing this, I've not completely lost my mind. (There's a bunch of wanted posters, with rewards for anyone giving information to the retrieval and safe return of my mind...)

At the end of the day:
I am
Longing for home, Heaven, beyond the grey haven, white shores beckoning my name.

Jesus, King and Ruler. The Son waits for his Father's appointed time to reconcile his bride.
I need to become more sanctified. It's been so hard this week, Harder than ever though, considering everything (thinking to myself).

One day. It'll all come to pass. And my ideas are different now. A lot, so, that's that.

I guess I'm there

I really do understand what Max went through. He stumbled upon something that was foreign, imperfect, but exactly what he needed. Carroll was inconsistent, but that's ok. Max never really had a grasp of normalcy, seeing that his father wasn't there.

This is where the wild things are, now.

It's a far off place, somewhere entirely otherworldy, but remastered and wonderful.
I think I just find myself looking for companionship, so much.
I think I imagine being a part of the wild rumpus. Creating a huge pile.
Being a kid, and not wishing I was grown up.
I feel like that's all I did; discontent with growing up a lonely kid. Wanting so badly to be older, independent and have my own way. I never fully was just a kid. Repressed dreams that happen, after long tiresome days, and thirty minute naps. But now it's time for proper bed time. Ok sweet. Good night moon, and the red balloon.

arms length

it's a reach
but a distance
a safe place
but so lonely
a paradox
yet a solution
keeping things
holding them back
my hands are open
my wrists are stiff
my fingers are cold
but that's what gloves are for

until I broaden my reach
I will always push away
standing one way for so long
then turning another way only for a moment
I start to realize why I stood like that, forever

no one knows, not even me
I'm always bad with seeing things
I still need a new prescription...
only God knows, that's good for me

inconceivable comprehension? maybe.

This comes at an odd time, as I am incredibly blessed, overjoyed, and grateful Jesse and KaLee got married tonight!

But for some reason, that's completely unrelated, today was incredibly difficult.

my heart was so heavy, my mind was so masked.
i felt like my eyes weren't real, and everything was just a tossing sea

I read Ephesians 5:15-17 and I have been enormously convicted this week. It's carried on into now. Nothing really makes sense for now, but I feel cluttered and chaotic, inside.

I run from things I should face, but I get angry about them anyway.  I tolerate things I shouldn't say, but I've created an environment that promotes my less that acceptable behavior.  It's like I pour concrete all over myself and expect to run just like the rest.  Even despite me telling others about the said act of frosting myself in concrete.

I hate when people patronize me, and become condescending.  I feel unjustly treated.
I love those people who reconcile, and desire harmony in our lives.  I feel completely blessed.
It's a delicate balance that is always tipped and prodded, daily. But even when it comes to sinning, I deeply am burdened by how much comes to the surface when I look for it. AND I ask God for repentance, to sanctify me and lead me to everlasting.

Tonight I said that I want to be on the level of a pastor, even if I never become one. How?
Relationally with the Lord
Interactively with my peers, the saints and family
Scholarly of Scripture
Academically of Theology and Doctrine
Generously with affluence and aid
Lovingly with compassion and grace
Effectively with high standards and humility
Visionally with direction, plans and structure

So, those are things I'm working on now, to develop and implement over the course of my five year plan. But for now, there are things I must tackle this weekend, even before five years hits. I have a heavy heart, but it's good. I remembered that I had one tonight. I felt it. I give it to God now. But I had to write this and get it off my chest. Really really good talk with Philip too. That dude is on it.

"No one grows by being passive, comfortable, and ignoring things..." -Philip

complain like a pirate day...arrrrgh (see what i did there?)

i feel like i'm forever, because i keep unwinding
i feel like i'm not clever, because of all the things i don't win
i know that i'm like clockwork, because of my nervous tick
i know that i'm like grass, because from the dirt i come and will wither and be gone from here

home is where I long for.
there are too many injustices, and not enough time to explain precautionaries to missionaries.
black and white, hot and bitter on top. cold, sweet liquid underneath...shot in the dark-suprise.
cover me in words, because the silence is nude.
i'm hiking up a mountain, to get closer to space, to see the lights that have already exploded.
i'm withdrawing from everything, to be nearer to You, specifically.

i'm over bureaucratics, and passive aggressiveness.
if you want something said, then look me in the eye
or else, you're a coward, and have weakness all over

it's filling up your bathtubs, and dripping from your eyes.
weakness; completely different than meekness.

these are my twisted words...


"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
-Douglas Adams

don't panic

i'm sinking like stones, all that we fall for...


it's like concrete, certain, and absolute.
space is so massive, one billion, to the thirty thousandth power, not slight diminished.
thinking it over, it's like computing all of life's problems, and concluding that it's about as ridiculous as MTV's Cribs. A universal laughable matter, like Snooky and her Oompa Loompa ego/skin/fashion.

If that doesn't make sense, then I'm just going to play Super Nintendo in the receptacle bay.


What is the probability of me staggering onto any sort of reason and rhyme. I need a paranoid android to sort out the algorithmic passive yet pragmatic aspects of life. A mind better than google, but more secretive than the CIA.

The truth is, we live in a beautiful world. A super structured highway wont pass through the minds of the blind, unless they are willing to have operation. Gleaning towards a five paced fashion. And what I mean by that is things are completely unpredictable. Lose yourself in the music, the moment, you want it-never let it go. Then, Eminem gets out of rehab, and you see the totality of depravity, and how much we completely overlook and idolize panhandling of shortcomings and sexual drug abuse.

It's worse than mixing up species.

But the truth is, I'm still completely determined, if that makes sense?


It's all jib jab, nothing of context, but everything of Billionaric status. We don't own the midwest anymore, no more pajamagrams or cut flowers, or sugar cookies, no matter how great the icing is.

I just realize, that the truth is, not any inch of this makes sense, except by me. I'm no ninja, just a wild oven riding in the juxtaposed personification of desert island, making daiquiris and public radio. Slim Jim, snap into is and do some damage. My glory computer is bleeding------shut up Eddy!

God is good

He is the strength of my heart
My portion forever
All I need

Radiohead has a song called All I Need, and every time I hear it, I think about Jesus.
It makes me so much crave rainy fall days, and a warm hand to hold.

I'll do sit ups, and create physique.
I'll paint pictures, and make a colorful world for you to live in.
Shedding of skin and pantone scales, falling off my eyes.
Different situations for the same consequence.
Why eat eggs, and not have chicken? Or vice versa.
We make up rules that we think we have to follow. That's religion, in essence.
Follow Jesus, he'll take my heart. It's so very wicked at times.
He can deal with it.

I am so joyful right now though, as I write this.
I think about all the sweet things that are going on!
My life is so busy and chaotic, but I function so well under pressure.
I feel challenged with time, mostly. Like I have to figure out time.
Like, I need to bake cookies, but help someone out, and be somewhere, all within 3 hours.

But I'm so comfortable. I wonder if that hinders me from being as effective for the gospel. I keep thinking about these things. And the things I want to help me ideally share the gospel are of material worth...if that makes sense?  Like a two thousand dollar keyboard to keep playing music. A new car that is safe to drive and not broken. And a few other things, but it's all material.  I want to be excellent in my offerings and service to God, and his people, but I don't want to get caught up in the needs of certain things. It's all confusing right now, but I know it'll work out.

What is see is that America needs Jesus, more than Discover Card, more than Audi, more than NFL or Pepsi, more than sex, more than hair cuts and Diesel Jeans, more than Calvin Klein and Slurpees, more than Flat Screen HD or Nike, more than Fruit by the Foot, more than family reunions or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. We consume everything but Jesus. That sucks. And then I think about this verse:

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NIV)

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

 How wild is that? God has set eternity in men's hearts. Humans are obviously created, in our souls, for eternity. Where that is spent is entirely contingent upon their relationship with Jesus. They're either repentant, saved and regenerate, or depraved, evil and sinful.  And since eternity is in mankind's hearts, and when they don't know Jesus, they try and fill their hearts with finite things. Only something or someone eternal can fill up eternity in the hearts of men. That is clearly and beautifully Jesus.

He's orchestrating all these things, and I'm figuring it out as I go along. Setting my sights to him. Adjusting and reworking my plan to his will. And right now, I'm tired, but overjoyed! God is good. Amen.

perfect skies, ten thousand dollars and heartburn

well, I feel like I've just woken up from the last five years.  I look at the people in my life, and I'm utterly freaked out at the changes I've missed.  You see, when you're supremely close to something, whether that be proximity or emotional attachment, one tends to overlook the dramatic changes from longevity in exchange for the short sighted glances.

What I mean by that is; I look at my besties, and they've all changed a whole lot. For the good, too. I look at my barren bank account, looming debt from school and broken car and I think, "This will get a lot better...and I'm a privileged western civilized guy anyway, still richer than most." I look at the crappy job I have, 22 years old working for minimum wage, and yet I'm so very thankful for a job at all.  I read and edit the school papers I print off, and think of how unnecessary all this busy work is. My professors would have a more tactical way of producing assignments, but they stick to old methodologies and wasting paper.  I don't think I'm becoming an ubergreen hipster, I just want to be a good steward and do things better.

My sister is getting married, my brother is growing up and wants to move to Hollywood and pursue film. My dog is 12 and I don't want him to die. My parents are getting older, and it's weird to look at them and not remember who they were as I knew them young.  I've forgotten the sweet, innocent things.  Colors aren't as bright anymore, and moments are fleeting all the more. I used to live in every moment, but now I can't wait for next week to come, just so I can want to be in the next one.

I feel abandoned sometimes, and left to my shut door, windowless bedroom to be a hermit who reads a lot and sips on Crown Royal. Anyway, that's another exposition for another time, or not at all.

My five year plan, as I was talking with Nick the other day, involves a bullet list of a few items.
-Have attained my degree.
-On a career path; be established with it, or have a business started.
-Be completely out of debt and have money saved.
-At some point, be living independently again. (As much as I appreciate the hospitality and offerings of my parents allowing my return to home, this is far too comfortable for any sort of challenge, and familiarity breeds content.)

And Nick said something curious to me-something along the lines of, "You didn't even mention music in your plan." And I thought, well I guess not. Which at second glance was particularly odd to me, because it's such a prominent vein in my life. But I guess Josh has helped me become more of a pragmatist when planning things. Just thinking about it, I would not be able to, in good conscience, pursue something that had no guarantee of payoff. Music as a source of income is the most intangible aspect of my future. See, I told Nick that I will always play music, and always write, and always serve God and the church first with it, but that doesn't mean I have to be irrational. I know what I want. And I want to love and glorify God in every single area of my life; being a good steward, and loving husband/father for when that time comes. So to get to what I know I want, I stick with the plan. And everything else, music, will fall in between the pillars of certainty.

My caveat is that if God does have music as something of monetary value, then he'll make it painfully clear to me and open the right doors. Otherwise, I'm moving right along.

This does make me stressed though. I see the long term payoff, and positive repercussions, but for now, it's incredibly stressful. I get really bad heartburn, canker sores, and my eye does this weird twitchy thing when I get pent up. Weird...must be all the massive amounts of espresso and coffee I consume now.

I have a busy life, but it's good. I'm making more efforts to read my bible before school work, before commentaries, before facebook, or coldplay vinyls, before I go to work...etc. God has sustained me, and I need him more and more.  This is a new season coming up, it will be trying and arduous, but my heart is His.  Somedays I think I know everything, then the next, shattered thoughts of what was to be. It just makes me know how much I know nothing, but I need to keep going.

And I kinda like the old adage: "If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you, then it's yours." Because to me, it's not speaking of recklessness, or being passive. It's suggesting the sovereignty of God and his perfect will.  Because today, Hayden knows the girl he wants to be with, the job he wants to have, the house and kitchen set and furniture to make a home, but in an instant God could change all that, and my resolve is still set on him. None of those variables change my plan.  So with an open hand, my heart is unattached again.  And I want it to rain more, just a lot. That'd be nice.

three hours until I have to go to work...and my mind is completely elsewhere than sleep.

I don't even know why I'm still awake. My thoughts have broken the law
and today was incredibly lonely for the most parts between 7am and 5pm.

I thought about murder, and how to get away with it.
I thought about robbing a bank, or being a hit man.
I thought about filming all of it, and becoming this viral pseudo-lebrity.

They'd let that stuff fly on the news/youtube.
Every time I pull espresso shots at work, I think about expressing myself..somehow.
And most people still don't get me. which is understandable. i'm very incorrigible.

But I also get freaked out when I look at MMA fighters who are twenty
and Justin Beiber and his success
And the other people who are my age or less, that are a lot further along than me.

Did I go wrong? and if so, where? I should have had my degree by now, but I decided to be a partier.

I want a real job, and a loveofmylife style purposeful girl.
I want to see people meet Jesus, and share the gospel.
I want to not be afraid to invite people at the drive thru of Wendy's when they hand me my fruit punch with light ice.  And somehow write a song that's heartbreaking.

Ok, just kinda got tired. I feel a cough coming on... :-*(

the body

I had some curious thoughts earlier this week. They have a lot to do with observations I've made internally and externally. I guess these are some of them.

There are people who have Jesus in their lives, and there are those whose lives are all about Jesus.
There are those who go to church, then there are those who are the church. These people are also in our churches. This could be saddening, but it could also be an awakening. Certainly there are measures of an individual's growth and willingness for learning, but there also has to be a gracious extension to be willing to teach. This also means that you and I have to be ready. Actively "living it". Well prepared and versed in doctrine and theology; not necessarily subscribed to the faculty of diving deep into a particular subject, but to know truth and wield it shrewdly.  This verse comes to mind:

1 Timothy 4:7 Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. 8 For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

I can also see that meaningless things can take up room in conversation, and become a vice that causes doublespeak and circular talk.  That's annoying.

Another thought I had is that I don't want to be known what I'm against. Known for opposition, writhe and stirring up dissension among the body. My prayer is that in my studies, and dear brothers who are studying scripture and theology as well, that we don't favor a particular theologian, or pastor, or topic over that of the Bible, what it teaches and the doctrines originated in it. This grows a vein of pride and condescension. I want at all costs for this to be avoided. I don't want to see neo-pharisees in this uprising of the desire to know scripture. Ultimately it's with the purpose to know God, know his character and bring him glory.

Thirdly I learned with God's sovereignty, that I do not have any reason to freak out! Illogical assumptions, frightening prospects for the future, apathetic approaches to important areas of my life have no room if I'm to fully, firmly trust God.

Also, I drink a lot of coffee, but I love Starbucks more than beans and brews. I told my boss. I got a sneer, but I believe she still loves me a whole lot. My days start at 4:30 AM for work, then school/homework in the afternoons and then I have accountability, study group, practices, house church/small group, meeting with dudes. I don't know how it happens, but God is sustaining me. My life is full and satisfying, and I can't wait to see what God does next!

"You can't call yourself a Calvinist and keep freaking out over these things...it's kinda funny!"
-Josh Whitney

over two years down the same road
and it's been incredibly difficult, up until the last 6 weeks.
I keep seeking God, and I keep trying to...well, just gotta stay wise about everything.
Prayers and journals, blogs and songs
Ambitions, plans, shipwrecks and salvage
These are a few of my favorite things...

Today has been quiet. A very quiet birthday.
And even though scores of family and loved ones have wished me well,
it is nice to not have a big to do party. it's nice to not have all the eyes on me.
because my whole life that's what I've sought, attention.
that's what I feed on. but I feel like I'll be more quiet when it's appropriate.
and waiting for God's time is a huge grinder on my pride, so thank you God for that!

I'll keep praying, keep moving forward.
My sights are set, but when I get close, it could look different.
It could be just what my heart desires now though.

at the beginning of this trek, a thing started inside that hasn't stopped.
It's grown in spite of my want, my prodding and pursuing.
It's grown and regardless of my flesh, sin and attempts to get rid of it,
...
it has remained. So today I will smile more than ever.

My heart is joyed, the weather is lovely.
I feel satisfied in the beauty of life that God has given me.
And I thank Jesus for his love. Glory to God! Amen.

as if! ha, jk, lol, omg!

and even when it was still fresh in my mind,
things needed sorting. files, stacks, junk mail, and providence.

(kinda sarcastic in parts, expose of my mind-in a wonderful way?! maybe)

i just keep going, somehow. I can't foresee this going on for another four semesters, but I continue anyway. It will continue. Work, getting worked, homework, coffee, night caps, waiting yet moving forward, cell phone pictures, and (R) cards saying that Jesus Changes Lives...

I am writing the greatest music of my life right now. Got the greatest crew of brothers. Girls wooing over me in, at and from work-so tumultuous but aint no thang. School, classes, books, papers, to make paper, to get a degree and have money and bless people's lives. God's got a babe for me. Like I think she's totally hot and whatev, but like she's just waiting or something like that....as if I'm totes bummed. God totes has sovereignty, lmao, makes me laugh at how quickly I doubt. It's sad :-( ,,,,,,,

Today is good. Tomorrow will be the same. Gotta get on a few things.


Getting back in the habit of regular reading. My heart has opened up. I feel things. I feel right, and full in my soul. Really good talks lately with Paul Stoddard, Jesse, Tadd, Zach and Philip.

I have taken to smoking cigarettes again, only for the sake of conversation, and it feels nice.

Oh shoot, gotta run, forgot to shower! late

no regrets, just love

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."
-Winston Churchill 

I feel like a great big burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Like the fog has lifted. Like a mess of paper trails, uncertainty and fear all got sorted, placed and explained.

A sense of relief. And I know what I'm doing for once.
I kept qualifying different things based on status, and that was a big mistake.
I bought into a faux resolution of things that don't coincide with one another.

No tricks, now, just a straight road that I know will take me somewhere.  Sure there will be hick ups, road blocks and detours, but I'm still going forward. Moving on, but not forgetting-if that makes sense.

I will sleep peaceably more that I untied all these twisted knots.  Now the question is, what to do with all this string...

in the moment

walking with my eyes open, yet I can't see anything.

I feel so distraught. I don't know why. Something has come over me.

Lies, distraction. It's false. I don't feel right. I'm looking, and listening intently.

I feel sick. I've lost my head. Jesus, I need you now more than ever.

I feel like Paul in Romans 7. I do things I ought not do, and I don't do things I want to do. It is natural sin, being born in this wicked world that fights for me, but I feel like this fog has set in.

Jesus instantly healed by word and touch. There was no process. He immediately showed the work of God.

I long for the days of heaven. For standing before my God, in awe and worship.

this is what's on my mind... eh 

do what you want

I've come to a point that many don't reach. The part to which the only thing that matters is that I die to myself. That no matter this outcome, whether it be months, years, or rotating Thursdays, I'm ok with these conclusions.

Probably the way nomads feel. Only keeping the shirt on your back, and moving forward. Probably the way the amish feel, disconnected from the modern lexicon of humanity. Like I've stood over the edge of this cliff for years, holding so many things in my hands. Dirty, pretty things. And I've just opened my fingers, and twisted my wrists.

I realized this when I noticed I can't see anything anymore. Physically and mentally. Nothing is clear, and I keep trying to figure out what will happen week by week. It just gives me heartburn, and blurred vision past 10 feet.

Jimmy Eat World never fails to bring my heart to collect itself, after the music from Stay On My Side Tonight tears me to pieces. Then as if a mist rises, and the light shimmers off my pupils, I see what I need to do next, and not fret about what I'm not to do, or who I'm not to be with, or where I'm not to go.

I'm gonna do a few things different.

"Hanging on a cigarette, you need me, you'll burn me..."

interlude

it's a headache
a heartbreak
something wrong I can't shake

and this keeps going
seeds I don't want sowing
and things I know, I keep denying
for fear of losing, despite my trying

it's a nightmare, a reality check
my eyes are shut, and i'm scared what's next
four walls close in, but the room stays the same
my mind is a cage, and this flesh is enslaved

sin be gone, sin be gone
i feel it right, and know it's wrong
darkness flee, darkness flee
leave my life, and let me be
devils run, devils run
the truth I wield, hope in the Son
flesh now die, flesh now die
soon enough, I'll leave and fly

and this paradox in which I exist
keeps me fighting to fight off a fix

but alas, I've found a resting place
to hide my tears and clean my face
for joy and bliss to fill my heart
in the word of my God, a brand new start.

"I took my love down to violet hill. There we sat in the snow. All this time she was silent still, so if you love me, wont you let me know?" -Violet Hill, by Coldplay

Romans 1:16, 17

I am going to bring up a few verses before I start my thought:


Jeremiah 13:23 Can an Ethiopian change the color of his skin? Can a leopard take away its spots? Neither can you start doing good, for you have always done evil.

Isaiah 64:6 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Romans 2:4 Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?


John 15:5 Jesus said  "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned...16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last."


Faith in Christ comes from regeneration by the Holy Spirit. Nothing we do on our own will ever be sufficient for relationship with Jesus. God is the one who draws people to himself. If it were left up to me to properly share the gospel, verbatim with every person I encounter, then people's salvation and relationship with Christ is not only contingent, but supremely dependent on my every word. This means that their understanding of their sin, God's holiness, Jesus' sacrifice, death, and resurrection hangs off of everything I say. And if I mess up, people go to hell on account of me. That limit's God's sovereign power, because it puts me in place of the judge, to either admit or condemn someone based on what I say.


Thank the Lord this is not the case. This means that it is the Holy Spirit that does a work in the person. That means that seeds will be planted, and harvests will be ready for the reaping. That means that God draws those to himself he desires to save. This also means that I cannot perceive, personify or criticize God for his character, his standard or his choices. I only have to be faithful with preaching the word (2 Tim 4:2). I need to obey Christ's command in Matthew 28, to "make disciples of all nations." To remain faithful as a steward and a servant.


Scripture is beautifully clear as to the full work and effect salvation by the work of God.


Romans 1:16 states, "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. 17 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, "The righteous shall live by faith."

We see here that in the gospel, which is the power of God to save those who will believe, is the encapsulation of God's righteousness. If "the righteous shall live by faith" is true, that means those who believe, those who receive salvation must be righteous. The dichotomy we then face is that, among other verses in scripture, Jeremiah 13 and Isaiah 64 clearly state that we have always been evil, as a result of sin, and our self righteousness, imparted by our wickedness, are viewed as filthy rags. (Or in the Hebrew, the word "filthy" means: used, bloody menstrual rags). That sucks for us! The question stands, what is it that remains for us to possibly do at this juncture for any hope of redemption? The answer: nothing. Which to those who are hopeless or uncertain about their faith is the most terrible thing to ever hear. But it is quite the contrary, it is wonderful and beautiful.

It means that I'm a sinner. It means that because of my tainted and perverse nature, anything I do is in retrospect tainted and perverse. But if a holy, loving, perfect and compassionately just God is the one who does the saving, the one who imparts salvation, then it is the transforming life to a wicked, tainted and perverted sinner.

This is how sweet it is:

Ephesians 2: 8For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ¹⁰ For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

and

1 Peter 1:23 you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God;

There's so much more in these verses for unpacking, but I don't have the time right now to continue. God is good and I thank him for the gift of salvation that he has given to an ill-deserving person like myself, that has regenerated and still continues to transform, abide and grow in me, bringing life to the fullest to ultimately glorify God with every inch of my being. I encourage you to look into these verses more, and ask God to reveal himself to you in his word. Amen. Soli Deo Gloria