Is this real life?

Yesterday was my first day off where I just shut in and said no to everything. That is, until I got called in to work to help with packaging. I was happy to do it, and ended up sleeping here (still at work, witting my quick blog while I ease my mind) and its been surreal.

Same clothes, no shower, uncomfortable sleep for 4 hours...but I'm still plugging away; hopped up on coffee, trying to finish these videos. And I think about my life. I think about what this year had. I think that I share a lot of the same sentiment that Tadd has talked about in his blog and in person - 2012 sucked a lot. But it was also joyous and had many surprises.

I think about where God has graciously brought me. He has given me so much favor in so many ways, and in so many eyes. And I think about where he will take me.

For once in my "adult" life, I will not be touting Death Cab by singing, "So this is the New Year, and I don't feel any different." Because the truth is, I feel completely different.

My heart has changed, my eyes are focused (but I need a stronger prescription I suspect), I am going to buy a house, I am not saying resolutions, I'll just do them, and I feel lighter - not that things aren't hard, but God's grace has shown in the clearing, and a fog has lifted.

So, my course is set for this present hour, and I'll turn my eyes upon Jesus, as the things of this world have grown strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.

Here's to 2013: Soli Deo Gloria

It's been difficult to know what to say recently. In person, and otherwise.

God is so kind - I get my breath taken away just by looking at nature and miraculous ways that carbon and chemicals swill together. There is really so much beauty in this terrible world. I want to see life, and good days, but only with my King; for that is only where it can be found truly.

The ferociousness of God is magnificent. I always postulate if I'll get to see his return while I'm in this tent, and how epic that would be. The trumpet, the loud voice, the fiery eyes, being caught up, war.

I haven't really had much to say most of the time, because I'm always thinking about these things, and looking at pictures. And I suppose that losing one's poignancy for articulation comes with the territory of long days and tired nights in front of a computer working.

Panorama shots of the ocean are so vast and sad, but incredibly beautiful. There's so much water, so much space underneath.

crossroads

I'm going to make this quick, because I just poured another glass and my battery is at 9% and I don't necessarily feel like getting up to get the charger...

I realized something today - I think I'm too real. To sharp around the edges. I think in our over-stimulated, and emotive cultural/personal mentalities, we have grasped a pseudo-superficial narcissism that makes everything but our own brain rigid. And everyone gets softer, in a bad way.

A brother last night had mentioned to me in passing that he appreciated that he feels I am relatable and easy to talk to. I appreciated the notion, but really didn't think about it until this afternoon. And then that's all I thought about.

Some get it, others don't. I guess that's just the way it goes too. 7% now, I must hurry.

I don't really know WHAT there is to do about this new realization. Am I brash? Am I the "TMI dude"?  I'm certainly the "WTF dude". I don't really know IF I need to do anything about it.

12 years ago I was stranded on a rock in Moab, Utah. I jumped down across a gap, and I realized that I couldn't get back up the other side. I was up there for 3 hours before two German hikers with paracord and harnesses came along and my mother solicited their help. I didn't die that day, nor any of the days following, but I certainly remember that feeling - jumping too far and having been utterly desperate. Oh God, don't let me feel that way again. Keep my feet, keep my heart, because I can run too swift and love too undiscerningly that I may just never have two Germans come to the rescue....


AND THERE I WILL DIE IN THE DESERT.
2%

I don't know where to begin, because I don't know where or when it began, and I don't see an end in sight. Good one Mayans.

Let's start with the facts:
I've worked myself into a panic and restlessness with 120 hours this pay period.
I don't have time for really much anything else, because I need to stay busy to keep the wolves at bay.
I haven't had a good solid quiet time in a few weeks, and that sucks. Terribly.
I haven't been back to the gym since going with Bry, and I'm feeling it. *sluggish*
Last night was the hardest it's been in a while, and God convicted me so hard.

Let's continue with the non-self centered facts:
God has made a man to work.
God has a plan for my life.
God knows all and is always with me.
God is incredibly kind and gracious to me through all my f-ups and willful fleshiness.
God is showing me things through the minutia of my days - even when they blur together.

Last night, something happened. Between the terrible last minute shopper's traffic, a sleepless work week built up in my fatigue threshold, and feeling so alone, it broke. I broke. God ripped me apart with conviction and truth. A floodgate of seemingly simple things, amazing things, that were monumental pillars of light amidst a dark and asphyxiating world. I tried to begin to pray, but my weeping was so deep that I couldn't drive, and I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't see, and I couldn't even speak. I well up with tears even now as I think about it. It was a particularly hard Thursday, but a hard week too. And God came through, God was close, and is close, and said, "I became like you, to redeem you and relate to you, and save you from all of this that constricts your heart." And it went on for what seems like forever, until my heart felt like it emptied out, and then I began to form words and actually pray.

I need brokenness and desperation before my King. I get so proud, even in my pursuit of obedience - I get like Martha, or the brother of the Prodigal son. I get so mad at God too, because I feel like all I try to do is incline my heart to his will, and so many things I don't understand continue to happen, or not happen, and I get to this point of complete faithlessness. God is showing me things unseen, and bringing me places I otherwise did not expect.

That's the way it goes I guess. Is there any injustice in God? May it never be said so. 2013 will be a monumental changing year for me. I will buy a house, and I will keep praying for a wife, and keep pursuing pastoral ministry. Boot camp for now, training is always hard, until the harder things come to pass. This is the way it goes.

Lord, give me strength to carry on.

It's terribly disheartening how much I really love winter. Like it'd be wonderful if the years just switched between fall and winter over and over again. It's perfect for hot coffee always, jackets, an occasional Lucky Strike at a social event, and so nice to walk out of the gym after a few hours, and stand in the chill air. But then it gets so cold. So damn cold. Paralyzingly numb. This life is cold. My office is cold, and my black couch is common place to just bury my head in my hands and think/pray/vent.

Being a grown up, like my parents always used to tell me growing up, is a big responsibility. I didn't know it was like being Bruce Banner trying to hold in the Incredible Hulk. I've already worked thirty hours in the last two days. I'm feeling it. But, the secret is, it's always stressful - and grace deals ever so severely to my cold heart. Thank you Jesus.

Cover up death up with a white blanket. Don't think about it, let it just slip away for months on end without notice. Maybe sometime I'll know. For now, I keep pressing strong.

At the end of a sixty hour work week, I feel like I've retired to the eye of a storm. I made apologies to everyone last night, as I was and am a little off. I seemed rude or impersonal and didn't really know how to have a conversation or think past what I still have left to do.

With slight delirium, things are sadder and funnier, and it's inevitable to have bad dreams. So I laugh harder, and cry more, and wake up in a cold panic.

I'm learning, and God is still my focus, even when I can't focus on anything else, or engage with what Brother A or Sister B said to me. Grace as I continue, grace in what I've done, Jesus make me holy, grace til Kingdom come.

Lets just say it is probably really intense when you get to 11:46 in the evening, and you sigh, and it feels like the first time you've breathed all day.

My first thoughts were:
God, things are heavy, but you are strong.
Where's my whiskey.
Thank you Jesus that you're coming back.
If I had a girlfriend, I'd fail miserably right now with whatever it is that boyfriends do, considering how stacked I am, and I wish I didn't think about THAT thing.
Oh, there's my whiskey.

And then I read through some articles, and then I finished my glass and poured another. And I sat in thought, looking at nothingness, until I decided that I need to write it all down, pointless I know, but I wanted to since I found that writing clears my head.

I should get better at writing so my head is clearer, but my heart is full, so I'm looking for that remedy too.

And now, I'll just lay here, wide awake, engulfed.

I've always been the easy kill...

Some things are timeless and will always get to me.

The days are wrapping up quicker, and I'm finding that somewhere between turning on my headlights, and letting my head fall on the pillow, there is this lingering unspoken angst and tension that rials my heart strings. And it gets harder to breathe, even though I haven't smoked a Lucky Strike in over two months. The days are getting stranger, and soon the common good will be antithetical to what my God tells me; it will make my Bible blacklisted. I want love. I want my rifles. I want people to know God and live. This is just a puddle of sitting thoughts that have rushed in after a long day as I sit in my office, on the couch, writing momentary thoughts on a mobile phone.

These times are the end of the day. These times are what always get referred to. These times are the hardest parts, because days long filled with conviction are tired and worn, and have no real place to call home. Yet.

It's times like these we learn to live again.

this is how I really feel

honest

Journal, Copy, Music, Blog and otherwise...

I'm not a terrible person, I'm just figuring it out just like you, and if you were honest, you'd say the same stuff about yourself as you do others. Things that irk me about others are usually tenfold in my own life. Busted.

excess

At the outset, I must disclose that I am not attempting to in any way boast or brag of myself. Merely stating an objective condition on which I live by. Giving and learning to give. So please, for the sake of text and tone, understand that I'm not touting how nice or good or cool or well off I am. I'm mostly a tool, and a full time jerk who is befuddled as to why anyone likes me...haha. And that's sarcasm and half true.

Without further delay:

Losing things, on purpose. Fat, items, clothing, thoughts, feelings. I like to keep things, for some reason. Maybe it's because growing up I didn't have the coolest this, or neatest that, so I made it a point to keep everything I had because it might be cool later. Maybe it's human nature and everyone is really like this underneath. Maybe it's a man thing and I really just want a garage and work bench and shelves. Who knows. All I know is that now I have a desk piled with old socks, junk mail, and receipts.  Clutter and disorganization. I haven't had any time for myself to get reorganized at home. Things that aren't looked too kindly upon, like making out in a library, so I'm working on it.

I'll even work on making out in a library if that'll help.*

As a Christian, stewardship and generosity are always on the forefront of my mind. I think God wired me that way, because I acquire things easily, and if I kept them all, I'd be buried in my kingdom of material things and other assets that will fade and die and burn, and that's not what He wants for me. So I give things away. And I need to get in the habit of getting rid of extra things that clutter my life. They may be awesome, but not useful. They may be worthless and looked over. They may be bad habits. They may be emotional stresses.

Whatever it is, unless I'm going to honestly be productive with it - it's out. Cleaning house. God is good and gives many good gifts, and my goal is to worship him with those things by blessing others, and not worship those things to forsake others and dishonor him.

Cleanliness is next to godliness...and next to something else, but I'll have to use the Dewey Decimal System to make sure...*meet me in fiction.

the morning after

On waking, I thought, "This is going to take some getting use to..."

Learning how to handle things that have no handles is a difficult place to be. Everything in it's right place, I guess. Sovereign God, how wonderful you are. How great are your ways. How mighty is your hand. I'm in awe.

Loneliness isn't a reality when I'm a son. It's self deception.
Loneliness is self deception.

I'm tired, and I'm breaking apart because of time, age, external influences, the sun and radiation.
I wish I would be able to do everything right, to make you happy, and to make you happy, and to make them all happy. But, part of it is realizing that Jesus is collectively the savior; of me, and them - and even when in their stage of life they want me to be savior or solve their problems or blame me, I own up to the fact that Jesus is the only answer. I repent for forgetting that, or not living in that.

Yesterday was amazing, taxing, long, tiring, busy...a lot of things. Amazing really.
I pray people fall to their knees in desperation before Jesus, King and Lord.
I need to make that adjustment myself. My posture is not what it should be, and God is showing me grace and my errors, and how his grace covers and corrects my errors.

I learn to be repentant, not regretful. And whatever God brings my way, I'll submit. Glory to God alone.

Uhh

"It's not you, it's my terrible choice in women..." (from a someecard)

It's Christmas time soon, and holiday parties are afoot, and needless to say, I'm getting heckled relentlessly by all the guys at work. It's not a terrible way to get bombarded with suggestions and set ups - and I mean, in regards to "Who are you bringing to the Christmas dinner this year?"

Everyone has their girl whom they're bringing to our annual company party, and our secretary is bringing the "guy she lives with". (Which is funny in a dismal, dark, ironic sort of way; she's gone through 2-3 marriages, has a kid with one of those guys, so she said to hell with commitment. She just found a sugar daddy and they shack up.) But she's a great accountant, so there's that.

SO - it's as if my absent invitation RSVP has drawn attention to the fact that I haven't turned it in, and everyone knows I'm the resident single guy, so I get this onslaught with all the guys trying to get me hooked up. It's a lot of things - humorous to begin with, but then when everyone goes home to their women, I think, "God, I don't like this one bit." And he hears me, and he knows me, and my wandering heart needs to bind back to him. Because it'd be just easy enough to say, "Yeah, I'd like to bring your hot cousin" or "Have your girlfriend bring her friend and we'll sit together".

It'd mean nothing, honestly. So there's no point. It'd just be a flirt and nice momentary gratification to my worldly masculinity to say "Yeah, you still got it champ." Which also means nothing. It's a weird quasi heart check. I'll probably end up going to the dinner alone, and everyone won't even notice or remember after the second drink. And I'll make them all laugh, because they expect me to. But I'm not going to get used to this.

And on a side note, I have a sneaking suspicion that God has yet to bring a woman into my life, whatever that means.

But it's also funny (in a dismal, dark, and ironic sort of way) to turn down girls - because I realize how easy it would be to get married and settle and never be happy.

Intercession

To proceed on with this particular post, you must do the following:

1. Click play on the video to listen to the track before moving forward.
2. Listen for 20 seconds and just think. Stare. Listen to your breathing.
3. Read.

Listen.




Ok, this may be bad, but it'll be ok. Things may be good and they'll get worse. Things may be always good, and you'll never see the shadows or feel the incompleteness of a barren abandonment.



When Jesus had spoken these words, he lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, “Father, the hour has come; glorify your Son that the Son may glorify you,  since you have given him authority over all flesh, to give eternal life to all whom you have given him. And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had with you before the world existed.

“I have manifested your name to the people whom you gave me out of the world. Yours they were, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word. Now they know that everything that you have given me is from you. For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me. I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours. All mine are yours, and yours are mine, and I am glorified in them. And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one. While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves. I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world. And for their sake I consecrate myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth.

“I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father, even though the world does not know you, I know you, and these know that you have sent me. I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.”

format, ish

This will either consume me, or be the summit in which I rise.

Act I

A cold seat. The sun isn't even out yet, and I find myself rushing out the door, 3 different bags in possession. I'm fumbling for the keys, the damn car is slow to react to the remote lock/unlock apparatus. It's really frigid out, like to the point of giving me the pee chills, making me second guess actually starting the car to leave, or go inside and, well, pee.

I digress, and drive into the still, cobalt morning.


Act II

Act III

Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies. It's only a matter of when, and with or without whom.
I think I said the f-word about thirteen times today. It was one of those days. It was a day when the pile got stacked so high, that I got so overwhelmed that I thought, "What's the use?"

The problem with me is that I am too real most of the time, and mostly fake when it really matters. And I try to be relatable, and I try my damnedest. I resolved that I want to always meet someone where they're at in life, even if the situation is Pluto to my Mercury. We all rotate around the same sun. We all break the same. I get home, after only a few hours of sleep, early morning music, long list of work tasks piling up - and I think I'd give up and move to Barbados if I didn't have an assistant. Leading is hard, because you have to lead. It's not a show, or a performance one night every few weeks - it's really people expecting some substance and life and rawness out of you. Or me, in this case.

Act IV

I lay here in bed, drowning in a sea of blankets. Jameson, Irish Whiskey. No music. No noise. Let the ringing in my ears lull me to sleep.

Another day goes by, and I'm headed somewhere, but I'm not yet on high enough ground to scope out where this is going. God does know, and sometimes tells me.

End Scene

Listen to John Hopkins' album "Monsters"

Photos
Editing
Post
Adjustment
Deadlines
Printers
Proofs
Catalogue
Desig-!n
Backup
Noise
Speakers
Black socks
Laundry
No time for bed making
Shoes scattered
Brain scattered
5 hours of sleep?
Video
Audio
Effects
Lens flare
Not like JJ
Whiskey
Wacom
Digital
Pens paper analogue
Package redesign
Website publishing
Web store redesign
Blogging
Personal blogging
More drinking
Piano, oh thank God, there you are
Write more, read more, God give me proper quiet times, please. I want and crave it.

The onslaught of what I do, and what I do only matters if I'm doing everything else right, for the right reasons. For God's reasons. Maybe I'll feel better in my own living room, or personal kitchen to cook and have some wine after a long day. Lists, they'll kill me.

A few thoughts:

Christmas will be alone again this year. My parents are leaving. My brother is gay and will be at raves. My sister lives with her boyfriend and will be with his family. This is getting pretty old - I'd make a terrible hermit, though I do like some time alone. I think my parents have gone through a lot, as parents, and want away for a week or so.

I've resolved to host a Christmas party this year in the days leading up to the 25th. So, that should help remedy "I'll have a blue Christmas without you..." *sigh*

This weekend I'm recording "Your Love" and I told Steele that I would like to see all the proceeds for the first month or so to specifically go to the Roots fundraiser, then whatever else they'd like after that. In some small way, I want that to be my additional contribution. He told me that they get a lot of emails from other churches requesting it, so that's encouraging - mostly because my heart is to emphasize the entirety of God's attributes, and break this parochial "love and mercy" view of God in the American church. I want people to worship and adore God for his justice and wrath just as much! TO KNOW what they've been saved from, and that his justice is ultimate and right and revere him for that - but most of all that ALL of his immutable attributes are to be known of and viewed so that we may live rightly before him. Coram Deo. I want to keep doing that with music, as God permits.

I'll be working a lot since this is the last month before our big show in Vegas this January. God has graced me with an assistant that is teachable and a quick learner. Next year is already stacking up to be huge too, so I don't know how much this will level out - I just think my threshold will increase and reach a new tolerance. I have a new found respect for my brothers who have families and mortgages and faithfully serve. It's important that I keep focused on God and face whatever he throws my way, since it's the point of no return soon. (Not in a negative sort of way, just that I am facing the scales and having to count the cost of what it means to step forward).

And then there's this dude who looks high as a kite, sitting at the table adjacent from me, and he's staring at me as I type. It's a combination of the THC, Starbucks jazz Christmas mix, and that I usually always smell good. I mean, he looks hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

An old couple walks carefully through the store, taking careful steps to look on and think through which products they are going to buy. They appear small and meek, with many layers of autumn warming attire. Quietly I hear the man whisper something to his wife, but I didn't quite make out what he said. Her smile and heartwarming reaction to him made me think, "It's amazing that they fell in love and grew old together in a completely different time." And a strum of jubilee resounded in my heart for that split second, because I knew that even if they had no family to spend tonight with, they had each other. That was the most important thing for them. They looked like a Herb and Ethel.

Holidays are like malls and airports for my heart. There is always a bustle going on, and always white noise of chatter, music, kitchen clamor, stores simmering with checkout aisles beeping, people going every which way - and then there I am. It's hard to focus, because there's all these people I'm interested in. Where are they going? Why? He looks official and rich, she is good looking and sad. That family flying back to PA are in their pajamas. When all the world goes, these places won't matter, yet they're vital to each of these people, and I really think about that. Standing dead center in the middle of this American tornado watching worlds spin around me, I feel so much sadness because its like everyone forgets the important things in life. The reasons behind why we do what we do. Those moments when you start looking at something and then 12 minutes later find yourself lost in thought, staring blankly into nothing, yet hopeful. For what, it remains to be seen, but hopeful nonetheless.

Airports, holidays, malls. Remember what matters. Remember where you are going.

You wouldn't believe this about me, but I try to keep a low profile most the time. Work can get tenacious with so many people having so many needs and demanding so much out of me. Life can get so full and laborious with going places, meeting people, struggling through issues, and I'm learning the balance between saying no, and being sinfully busy.

I like to have fun, and be silly, and post pictures of my idiosyncratic life, but behind the scenes, I remain pleasant and quiet.

Not knowing a whole lot about a lot of things I don't know about gives me reason to shut up and listen a whole lot. Especially in my unique situation where I have several key people in my life who are high caliber men that have a lot of experience (work, church, freelance, business, music...etc) and they GIVE me opportunity to tag along and get my hands dirty.

I really cannot be more grateful just immediately for the day to day which God has blessed me with. I should try to be more grateful in my outwardness in expression and reaction, but my heart is sponged with the richness that is around me always.

Amidst these, I live, and I pray to God that I can maintain seeing the forrest for the trees, though my tendency is to move into sharp 1080p razor focus. Mist or smoke, it doesn't matter, all I want to do is see.

Good job, Apollo

This world became a lot of things, didn't it boy? A gross awakening of hand outs and slavery. It was all culminating to the Great War. Time kept trancing on - mindlessly, without thought or regards to kings and kingdoms. Death called, the icy grip of ruin swept the plains of modernism, and technology made us see our hearts. We were all blind, and didn't see it coming.

The innocence of forgetting those images, gruesome and haunted, could soil the purest of hearts. A fascination of sci-fi and space travel engulfed the hearts of everyone. We got sick of this place. No longer was it necessary to travel the depths of Indo-China, or scale the Alps when you could get it on a calendar, or watch the YouTube video of it. We all died to the interest of this creation, we forgot the dust from which we emerged. There was this beckoning to go to another world. The moon, Mars, Andromeda. Wherever. We wanted to escape now, for it wasn't enough.

So we all without knowing it acknowledged that we don't belong here, but never asked why we thought that way. I was never salty enough to be remembered tastefully. Just always "that guy".

I memoriam of my life and time back there, then on Earth, I realize I never really did the things I wanted to do. I mostly just did all the things I was supposed to do.

Never feeling the symphony of love and affection was my greatest mistake. Apollo took me somewhere else. Somewhere lonely. Now I live for eternity on pharmaceuticals and artificial air. A barren moon, a cold heart. The crescendo never came to be. Dust. Decay.

Infamy and reverence, we were made to live forever, but not like this. It's not supposed to be like this.

I feel like I have so much to say, but after all the fiascos of today, it's nice to just vent to my Lord and pray.

It was also a blessing to walk into the meeting tonight two hours late and hear my brothers praying for me and my future. Very humbling, very timely from a frustrating evening. Thanking God, holding back incessant weeping. I'm still thinking a lot about what Steele said on Saturday too.

And I thank God for whiskey.

In passing:

There are so many broken people in the city. Walking down the street on a Saturday night, you can't help but notice the people who love to live for the weekend and indulge. Girls with 80% of their boobs hanging out, dudes drunk and looking to get a piece of ass...it's wild how much of this goes on.

Allegedly this is an epidemic is clean, conservative Utah. I can't imagine elsewhere. I don't know why God let me see the things I did in passing, but it did give me a more earnest passion to reach people with the gospel.

The hardest part about personal holiness unto God is remaining separate from what the world does while remaining involved with the things they do.

God will save, but I want to be more militant with zeal and vigilance to share Jesus with people.

All of this, as I'm passing through.

plan for the worst, expect the best.

There have been some things in my life, big and small, that take me by storm any way you cut it. College never paid off, because well, I didn't finish, and even if I did, my time would not have gone towards my job. College is getting paid off, and my 12K in student loans are starting to seem like less of a pile of dirty laundry.

Music was so much a huge part of my life for so long, and that's all I wanted to do. Now, it's the last thing on my mind, but the first thing that takes my free time. All I do anymore is record in the studio and write my own songs. It's the strangest thing - when I wanted it, I couldn't have it. Now that it doesn't matter to me, it's all I do.

God is proving his sense of humor. I get that his kindness is all over this, but it's like "Dude, chill out - I've got it."

I never thought I'd see myself on the road to pastoral ministry, yet here I am beckoned by where I feel the Lord leading me. The call is life consuming, but I am willing and ready as I'll ever be to take this path. When I wanted it, it never happened, but now when I gave it up to the Lord, he put me in these places.

I went from a fierce closed grip, where nothing would slip out, to an open hand that all these trinkets in life can be blown away at any given moment by God's mighty wind of change.

Life is, well, good. Full is a better way to describe it. I make time for things that get thrown at me, but otherwise I'm filling it up to stay busy, and focused at the task ahead.

Next year I'll be debt free, I'll buy a house, I'll help plant a church, and I'll keep on giving my life away. The worst thing that could happen to me, even if all my freedoms are stripped and I never see the desires of my heart come to pass, would be a life lived in disobedience to God. That's the worst thing. Even if my life gets taken, or led to utter ruin, and a slow painful death of persecution happens, even then, it's for my good, because the good will be standing before Jesus, face to face. Real FaceTime. Real perfection. Forever.

May I never utter or think the thought, "Could God?"
May I never doubt or question his sovereignty.
May I always live Coram Deo, before his face worshiping him.

It sounds lofty and transcendental, but the truth of the matter is - by him and through him are all things made and held together, and his spirit lives in me, so whatever the commonplace or situation I find myself, I have that very opportunity to remember and act.

I expect my Lord to meet all my needs, for he knows what I need. That's the best part.

Incomplete

Loves Jesus more than anything. Backbone. Hospitable. Complimentary. Refining. Struggle. Love. Selfless. Serving. Leader. Manages our house well. Quiet. Funny. These are a few of my favorite things. Until then, I'm completely incomplete, except for being fulfilled in Christ alone.

There's beauty before me now, but the most is yet to come. I can keep giving blood.

Simple

Delivery:

There was a man. He was a simple man with a simple house. He had many of the same outfits, and ate many of the same things. He had a quiet life, a life alone, a life with victorian silk wallpaper and always three medium sized logs piled up to throw on the fire. On his way to work every day, he passed a small chapel in the middle of the town to hear the bells toll at eight in the morning. Always it was cloudy with a chance of rain. Always were there flocks of wrens flying from tree to tree, and back up into the spires of the buildings. Quaint, yes, this small world of simplicity was all this man knew, and he did not care to know more than the small routine of his simple life, and his simple house, with his simple ways.

This man grew old, and he never married. He faithfully worked his job until the business offered him retirement. He had meager assets, and several nights by the fireplace reading. He didn't say much, and when he did, he was brief and organized. This man did not have a drinking problem, or a vanity problem, or a gluttony problem, or a lust problem. This man held a moral and positive life.

Throughout his life, he always passed this small, simple chapel. He always looked up to the steeple, and gazed upon the cross mounted atop in wonder. Every day, on his way to work, he looked up to the mounted cross. Although, quite curiously, he never went into the chapel, though he would always notice people walking in, or a door left open where people met inside. In all the decades of walking past, he never left his simple life, in his simple ways. He always looked at the cross, but never looked to the cross. He wondered what it was doing up there, all the way up there, where these birds simply rested until stirring away to other perches. He simply wondered.

One day, this simple man died a simple death in his simple twin sized bed. He was old, and died in his simple room where there sat one dresser, a small mirror by the door, a picture of a cottage by the sea, pale blue walls, dark wooded floors, a small oriental rug. The air was stale, and dust danced in the light that crept in through the white curtains. He had not many friends, and one distant cousin who lived two counties away. No one was notified for a month. He simply died. Passing out of existence in this simple town.

As this simple man burned in hell, he could only in severe agony think back to the cross, and the many years of his simple life that he could have moved out of his normalcy to find out what this cross meant. He was simply delivered to what his comfort had made for him. He didn't mean ill, or have any desire of this place, but he simply went on without having his life changed. As sad as this is, it is simply how it goes.

the life that I loved and lost

Some things aren't really going to happen. Like really.

I won't ever be a secret agent spy, like 007.
I'll never have great hair.
I'll probably never see the road for tour or a musical career - it just isn't practical.
A revolving door of romances will never happen, because I'm not Don Draper, and sleeping around goes against Biblical principles, my principles, and there won't be a television audience anyway.

I wont be a firefighter, or a doctor, or a news anchor. I'll never be a film star, or hang out with Will Ferrell. This country wont get better either - Tadd, Andrew and Matt were all speculating this morning that according to the Bible, things can't get better, because it'll all be horrible before Jesus takes us home.

SO -

This life I had dreamt up, it won't come to be. Insert the life of dream job, or physique, or celebrity, and I won't see it come to fruition. There just isn't time. I can't give my heart away to a different girl every year. I can't give my time to a job that takes me out of the game. I can't not serve God and his people. I have to. It's all that matters.

God's will is going to happen. The people of God are his most precious of all Creation. To tend and care for and serve them is therefore the *most important thing I can ever do. *(After a wife and kids, provided that is a part of God's plan for my life.)

Some other things may happen along the way, but I won't hold my breath, because I'll be praying.
I loved a life that wasn't for me. Loved. Past tense. I don't anymore.
I want the life that God made for me. Future tense. In the moment.

A joyful noise

It's so nice to just relax and write music in my bedroom. Turn the headphones up and just worship the King. Emotive and driving hip hop tracks; sounds and beats that convey a deep and resounding truth of God.

It's so nice to make soundscapes and just escape to a place of lucidity to revel in the idea that God made noise and wavelengths and he knew that it would make my heart sink and drive me to a place to praise him, privately, personally.

It's an incredible experience to sing hymns of old, and bask in the words that speak to the great drama of God and his relationship with his beloved until he calls us home. I always am driven to tears with the veracity and penetration of truth/doctrine/precepts of God's word.

It is a moment of rawness. A song ever ringing in my heart. A joyful noise unto my Lord and King.

Soli Deo Gloria

Milk and Honey

The weight, the wait, the hope of future glory.
I can safely say that Christ died for my sins, and exaltation.
But it's not about my exaltation - it's about me being able to be tolerable in the holy presence of a perfect, immaculate, unknowable, massive God.

To my fault, and great discredit, I forget so much and undermine the doctrine of glorification. I get so caught up in other things - the minutia in life. Big moments I wait for, and miss them. Small moments I kick through like wading in a cool brook and splashing water on the shore like it means nothing. These things mean something. It's all culminating to the final analysis of Jesus' and his beloved.

May it not be said of me that I was disobedient. Sure, I sin. I sin quite a lot. But my heart remains tried and true - I can't go on without knowing God more. But I don't want to be disobedient - to not see the promises of God. I can't think of anything worse than God having to do things in spite of me.

I crave this promise land. I want to go over the mountains, and into this place where foes are no more, and shadows are laughable. No more dark nights of the soul. No more sadness. But I will wait. I have quite the array of things before me to keep me until that time comes.

Bryan really hit it on the head for me in 2 Thess 2:15-17. A great section of verses that serve as an overdue reminder of WHO God is, and what his ultimate work in getting his people. Chosen, Elected, Saved, Redeemed, to be Holy, to be Glorified. Unreal. It's not even about me, and those are the things that get to happen. Lord, keep me. I pray I'm faithful. I thank you for you are always faithful. I crave milk and honey.

"I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means..." - Jimmy Eat World, Kill

Jarring

I woke up at 3AM on the dot. Like jumped out of bed. It was a combination of my phone going off the hook with all these text messages, alarms and notifications, and my dogs going crazy in the kitchen above my bedroom, and the cap of a very bad dream.

A cold sweat, pulsing vision.

I couldn't understand what was going on. I silenced my phone, let the dogs out, went pee, got a glass of water and tried to go back to bed. I was in and out for the rest of the morning, so I'm pretty exhausted right now. And I'm all out of coffee, so I need to pick some up soon.

It was such a weird feeling, upon waking, and I haven't shaken it off all day.

"I wake up, it's a bad dream, no one's on my side..." -Keane

More importantly, I can't think of anything else.

Say it was something else. Tell me that the jewel of tomorrow's promise is fake.

The more I think about where I want to be, the more I see how I need to decide what things I'm going to be particularly good at. I have to stop looking at the tasks ahead like it's marshall arts, or a vocabulary test where I forgot to study for AP English so many times in 12th grade, because I snuck out of school to read Crime and Punishment at a coffee shop where the cops hung out.

There's nothing intangible to fight. There's nowhere to sneak away to. There's certainly no time for Crime and Punishment again, except in the literal sense - that time is taken away, which is a crime, and my punishment is being left here in my 17x17 bedroom, no window, with scores of books, some parchment and pens, and a whole lot of restlessness.

If there was a fire, I have no escape.

When I drive home late at night, after everyone has said goodbye, and I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do in the next 6 years, I imagine this made up place of home where I'll have all these nice fixtures, furniture, decor, guns, ammo, espresso maker, a big living room for people to come over and talk about Jesus, their studies, sadness, new this, new that, the future iPhone 7 when it'll be all see through glass...etc. Whatever. It'll be nice for the purpose of people. It'll be a place where everyone will always want to be. I will cook so much delicious food for people.

A house of good smells, a house of safety. No fake walls. No disingenuous love. I find myself giving my heart to as many people as I can, because since I want to be a pastor one day, I need to get into the habit of giving my life away. Like Steele said, "If I can, I will."

I think about these things a lot. I have a lot of small moments of free time where I'm not having to do something for someone, or be somewhere, or work 500billion hours. Staccato. It's quick. But I think about these things nonetheless.

I can't do it all. I can't always impress or stand out. I have the propensity towards a picaresque image, but I'm not that bad. I will try. I will give my all, for my King.

I refuse to go on 6 more years wondering.

Kids

MGMT came on shuffle after driving home from hanging with most everyone a few years younger than me. It kind of felt nostalgic to remember another life that wasn't too long ago, but feels, other life-ish. It was fun, and good to laugh and be silly. I think my life got way serious underneath me and I don't realize how mild mannered I am at work, so it's good for these things to remind me to break out of my shell.

I had time to let loose a bit and hang with friends who are not my usual crew, but they're a great bunch to hang with. And they pick terrible spots to go bowling - but who wants to drive ALL the way downtown for Bonwood?!?! Haha.

Anyway, control yourself, take only what you need from me.

losing track of time

It's a night of solid dosage. I really worshiped the King, and Paul's band did great. Steele's sermon was timely, and I feel like I could do well to give my life away more. That doesn't seem to be something I'm running to do that much anymore. So many people to give my life to.

So little time. It's nice to break away and be around people who I haven't been around in a long time. I feel strongly that God has championed me in certain areas, and I need to step it back up and give full throttle again. I'm only 24, and though I feel unaccomplished in some ways, I recognize God has positioned everything precisely as he saw fit to be best. That's where stay, resolved and keeping track of time again.

Where but for the grace of God go I.

spark notes

Inevitably I seem to always say something that gets blown up on Facebook, misconstrued, and I get pinned as the guy who's angry, plotting fiery posts to condemn and cut. To my fault, I fail to clarify much of anything because my mind is on one track and I just don't think to expound on where I'm coming from. Need to work on that. And I need to be more gracious I think.

All my heart really wants to do is share truth, that is God's word, and have a social commentary alongside it. Christians have for too long been bombarded with the world's views and forced to socially dwell  alongside these anti-God policies. I think Christians need to overall be tougher on these issues and literally live our life and doctrine. We hold these godly positions and convictions because it is the very means by which our lives are run and governed. God has given his word and he wants obedient children daily - not just in the auditorium on a Saturday night.

So, I get militant in a fired up, call to arms kind of way, and forget to be gracious and leave my manners at the door. Live and learn, and ask for forgiveness. I'm trying my best, I really am. Anymore though, the Church cannot afford to be soft - which is different than gentle. We have to hold fast to the truth, and as Josh reminded me tonight, be seasoned with salt.

I mess up, I repent, I ask God for help. Start again. My mother says a woman will even me out, and I guess mother knows best. I've gotta shake these spark notes...

treat, no tricks.

I am happy to have people come over.
It's nice to have company, after I go home from the company.
I wish I had a thousand dollars to just buy everyone nice steaks and have a formal event.
Dancing, merriment, drinks, music, no worries.
I live in a dream world, or am just catching up on Mad Men...there's a difference?
When I'm fit and skinny, I'll feel like I've achieved something. Because honestly, I've had a lack for goals in my life. Not just far off lofty goals that take years and years to reach, but something to do by Christmas, or next Spring. Like tangible, count down the days type-o-goals. I miss counting days.

God is good and gives many good gifts. I'm thankful for everyone in my life.

It's one of those unknown feelings, a shock and innocence - that of which a child feels when something remarkable and grand comes into full view. A lot of consideration, thought, prayer, council, saving, planning, scoping, and dreaming will go into this. God will put me in the right spot, but I am looking. My eyes are bigger than my pocketbook, so I need some anchors. I never imagined these days coming so quickly, but they are.

I can't wait to say, "Welcome Home."

Wilderness

Something unsheltered and raw has been scratching at the back of my eyes. An idea maybe. Something that started a long time ago, but has continued to smolder through ruin and duress. I've had my up days, sure, but there haven't been any stark moments of sunshine or clear horizons. No, it's been wilderness. I've been championed with this lofty goal - a task that only the strong hearted, only those who know their weakness and have the ability to surrender it can attain. This narrow road, and barren idealism, it's...it's not something that just anyone can grasp. No. It's much more demanding than an initial verbal agreement. That first moment of a rush that flutters through your heart, when you think that everything is right in the world, it doesn't mean anything when the hard things come biting back out of the black forests of time. There seemed to be a huge loss of that golden installment. That thrill of hope. But slithering demons and festering flesh boiled into your mind, and you fell in love with yourself as god. Even those who are of the strong hearted camp, even those who fight to carry on and cut through black. They even look back without regard to becoming pillars of salt. They, even I, reminisce about the times that it was easier to know nothing of what we do now, and live in blissful death. The pleasure and erotic seduction of wallowing in nothingness, to live as self proclaimed gods. Surely, we said, we will be like god. The Great Dragon told our first mother this, and genetically this was engraved as stone into the hearts of all. There was hell to pay, but only with the souls of the dead. The writing is on the wall, and the call to press forward, through this wilderness forcefully, is ever before us, beaming like a beacon of hope, breaking the callous scales that shroud my eyes. I have only the King to be loyal for. I have only him to prove my love. None other are the objects of my affection.

I really pull for my companions to journey swiftly alongside me - and to see folly for what it is. I don't have the map, or know the way entirely, but I follow the great beacon, the King of Kings.

Take a moment. Take seven.
Draw a breath.
Close your eyes, and forget about pain.
Exhale.
The lucidity of life is marred by the flash in the pan moments of interconnectivity.
I can't feel, you can't feel. Too cold has this hot attraction made all of us.

Silence. A silver knife cutting through your thoughts - you've craved this for so long.
The stillness of cold, dark nights. Your soul stirs for solace beta 2.0.

Sister, you may feel like a failure, but you don't realize how much love you brought to the table.
Brother, you can feel the weight of the world resting on your shoulders, but you aren't alone.

I've lost track of too much - forgiven and forgotten. Many people will never come to terms with liking me, but that's ok - as long as they find Jesus. But since I'm a Calvinist, Jesus will undoubtedly find them. That's what makes it easy to sleep at night. That's what makes people never liking me be an ok condition. God prevails. He is sovereign and has his way. It's this largely important theme in my life. The scope of which transcends past what little plans I have for the future.

So those times when I pray, I take a moment, take seven...

Who is John Galt?

Step Up, boy.

God told Noah he was going to destroy the world, but he gave him 120 years. I still have time, but I don't want to live in faithlessness, or undermine the mercy of God.

Sometimes a what is really beneath can really rock the boat. I can't keep looking at the surface.
Lord, give me eyes and heart.

Right now, I'm sitting at my desk. Not because I have to. Not because I was asked. There are a few reasons.

Two of which are simple.

A. I work better at night, alone, and uninterrupted.
B. There is much to be done, and if I'm the man for the job, for this season, I'll prove it.

God is so kind to have given me this time and opportunity. I have nothing apart from Him.
God is so kind to have given me his Spirit and grace. I am nothing apart from Him.

It's nice to listen to music in the dead of night. I feel a sense of exhilaration. I love that it's cold at night. It makes listening to certain songs, or bands, or hums so much more of that realness I felt before the war took my heart and seared it in heat and angst. The cooling of the hemisphere melts my heart again.

It's a slow reconditioning, but a big one. Awake.

riddles in the dark

It is easily lost, and hard to gain
It is forged with unprecedented strength, yet made with immaterial
It can't be bought, but only given
It comes from mankind, but originates from God
It's invisible, yet you can see it by words and actions
Though not made of metal, it is mostly rust.

What is it?

I'm learning a lot of it.

Also, Tadd said something remarkable today:
"There are two kinds of Proverbs women one can be involved with, and you should make sure she's not the first kind mentioned..."

Duly noted, Sir.

hope

I can look past all the tendrils and weeds that thorn through security. There have been so many maps, and plans, and unscathed paths where my heart has been ever so inclined to follow, but it always only comes to the last moment of what God really wanted.

keeping up

There are many new and exciting things that have swooped into my life, all by the providential hand of God, and I could talk about them all - but to spare some time right now, I am simply thankful and blessed.

God is teaching me valuable lessons in leadership, stewardship, and faithfulness. Namely, that he is always showing me faithfulness. I'm learning to stay with the curve. I've lost 15 pounds already. I'm feeling great in a ton of areas of life.

I love autumn, and I love what's happening this autumn. And I love that I have to wear a jacket now. Thank you Jesus for all these things, great and small. A heart of gratitude I give to you, Lord.

WideAwakeTonight

I'm laying here in bed totally restless, with a million things running through my head. I'm thinking to myself, "what am I going to do?"

I'm thinking about all the things ahead of me. The workloads that I'm taking on. My plans for next year. The stacks of books I want to get through by the end of the year. The conversations that I had today. The weight of my words. The fact that this diet is making me physically lower in functionality with a shorter attention span to focus. Wondering why I have not listened to Jimmy Eat World or Death Cab for Cutie yet, and it's already been fall for a few weeks. Wondering if I'll ever get to smoke a cigarette with one of my favorite musicians, or kiss a pretty girl on the lips, then marry her a few months later.

And then I realized, about four hours ago I had a cup of coffee. What am I thinking!?

CMND+Z

I'm trying to get a healthy balance of rounded reading. It's difficult when I'm trying to learn 45890349823012752839427 things at once. I'm trying to be successful here, OK? I can't undo anything - or unspeak. I save save save, copy after copy, and make efforts to speak - though I mostly just type anymore.

H.P. Lovecraft was before his time - very much so. I enjoy him very much. But I do think they could have made him more digestible, his publications I mean. Like so:

In review for pastoral training class, it asked for the last 5 books I've read. I had a good laugh, simply because it went from 1-5 as fundamental Christian doctrine and ethic, to Atheistic Sci-Fi. An uncontainable irony, something that someone like me understands.

I just ordered a book from Kessler, which I'll add to the stack, and I need a new biography. I want to get to know someone I've never met. It feels like new paint. Oh, and then there's this too:

I started writing something down, but I couldn't bring myself to finish.
My world changes week by week. It's insane. I am so saturated in everythingness.

My duties now include:
Photographer, In-House Designer, Social Media Director, Graphics Animator, 3D Animator, Assistant to the CEO, Videographer, Editor, Sound Designer, Customer Service (Phone, emails, web) Marketing, Copywriter, Web-Store admin, Blog manager.

I hope by this time next year I'll be into my own house. Seriously. That's really the only prospects on the horizon. I also want to make my own record still - even though music is still so uncertain - even though I'm certainly still writing music.

Thursday is when I start my new meal plans - and the next few days are for weaning into this stark change. I'm trying to wrap my head around all these things, even Muse's new record.

There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but just right now, it's sweat and unburying my head.

reflectiveness and something fierce

The establishment is changing. Ways of reform are striking throughout every part of my life.
There are wars and rumors of wars. I can even stomach to look past all the treacheries and hubbub that muddy the waters.

I felt like sinking in silk that one time you broke all my clay pots, and said that painting them would just whitewash what really was there. The storm came, and I took my eyes off you.

Never did I think that so much obsession, so much self satisfaction would ever become an alternative to focusing on you.

This whole time, through all this postulation, and stark hope, I thought that there would be nowhere else to look. I didn't know. I didn't think to look for it.

-If I can't carry on, you'll have to understand why.
My bones are tired, and I would rather drink and smoke than have to sing again. It's just not fresh, like cut grass or freshly sawed lumber. That morning twinkle, that fresh pep step of breathing easy, it's all a faded memory. I sometimes think about going back. I often reminisce the times of zeal and youth, where musical passion beat life through my veins. When I looked up and he was raptured in song, and she had a soft smile with her eyes closed, cooing sweet praises to the King.

I heard this one chord though, it sunk my soul. It felt like I was in love, or knew how to be that way.
Maybe I'll still keep music. I'll have to be convinced of it - Aslan will have to tell me. Or else I'll let it go.

The harder I look
The deeper I dig
The closer I focus
The longer I think
The greater I listen
The slower I ponder
The wider I scourer
The finer I critique
The more I see God and how it all comes down to his chief purposes.

That we see him fully, forever. And that we see who we are and were at that time, and that our desperation of gratitude is so magnanimous, so overwhelming, so filled with the utmost humility, that the weight of that reality drives us face down in front of Him, and that we spend the rest of eternity enraptured in giving all praise and all glory and all honor and all adoration to Him. That His eternal, immutable, unwavering attributes may forever be exalted. That His name may be revered above every name, and tongue, and tribe, and whatever occupational standards exhibit the new heaven and new earth. He is Holy.

I want to walk in the garden next to God, as I do now walk in the garden with God in prayer.

God will do what he will do, and be just in it. Even if people don't want to believe that, or Him, that he will do it. I can't fathom spending eternity with God when you have a problem with Him being God and doing whatever he wants. I don't think those people will enjoy heaven that much. I will believe Him to be right in all things. Even if that's the only tenant of my faith.

SDG

People, Stuff, Places, and Unorthodoxy

There's a whole lot of people who think a certain way. They all seem to parrot their favorites.

There's a whole group of people who do things, or have things, or talk about things - because it's the only substance they have to keep them kindled, or glued together.

There's an entire void in one's life to feel the need to go somewhere. It's either safe, exotic, important, far off, introspective, loud, or a vice to get your jollies tantalized.

(God has given good gifts to be sure, but not at the extent of replacing him in our hearts)

There's a wide-spread epidemic in our churches in this country, and it's tragic. It's where unorthodoxy is esteemed by touting relevance. Reverence is crucified for contemporary methodology. Holiness is brow bashed, and the Bible is kind-of-but-not-really authoritative; which holds no weight anyway, because no one is wrong anymore, and no one can be corrected. It's a lot of self-indulgence believed to be faith.

Our world is lost, and I fear our churches in America are getting to be that way too. Because we try to be like the world. We try to have appeal at the cost of being holy.

No man seeks God. No one wants to admit to and swallow their pride - kill sin - take that bitter pill. But it has to be done. It has to change. We share the gospel, we preach repentance, we pray for the lost, we show the world Jesus, yes, we do all these things. But God will see his purpose fulfilled in the end.

People resist the Holy Spirit, for what they think is a holy spirit. It's a euphoric hyper-emotionalism. People profess to love Jesus, very deeply and convincingly, but would abhor and mock the things he would say to them. I don't know where the disconnect is. I don't know when it happened. I see it sticking out like a sore thumb though. If only our focus was on the Cross, and Him crucified. But it's not. It's on things to do, places to go, people to please.


Jesus please purify your Church.
Jesus please help me to love people with the truth.
Jesus please help me to be correctable.
Jesus please drive out the wolves and cantankerous goats.
Jesus, please come back.

I'm on my way for bigger things. I had no idea this is where I'd be dawning upon my 24th birthday. I had no idea this was possible. It makes trusting in the Lord that much more palpable. First hand fruits, I guess. It's a lot, and I write this as a check point, so I can look back and remember this feeling in my heart. Remember that hard work is what gets the job done. Remember that I'm not entitled, and what I have comes from God's kindness.

A neo-genesis. Boldness.

Prayers when I'm being faithless:

Civil War
Social Unrest
Political Puppetry
Apathetic Luke Warm, Self Indulgent, Depraved Generation

I don't know how long I can stand to see such horrid decay of the world around me. My own sin is too much to handle. I'm awestruck at how the grace of God forges me to him and I am left without words, or blemish.

We are done for. No matter which side of the aisle you sit on. In the next 10-20 years, our world will be unruly and completely different - and I fear it'll be for the worse. People hate God. People who think they are Christians hate God. The older I get, the more narrow I see the way - it is uncompromising.

Standing for Biblical truth, for Jesus to be ultimately supreme in the hearts of his Saints - that is the only hope. Being able to self-sustain in pursuit of genuine faith will be what keeps people alive. I hope he comes back soon, because these days sometimes hurt too bad, and I find myself saying it's ok to mask it in laughter.

I'm getting rusty. Jesus come back soon, my eyes aren't dry that much.


Psalm 42:5
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.

119:114
You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.

warrior ethos

In working through this application process, one of the questions arose pertaining to a wife and her thoughts on the matter of pastoral ministry. And while I stated my current relationship involvement, I still jotted down a paragraph or two on the qualities and aspects of a woman I'm looking for - and that I'll need to marry a woman with the capacity to be a pastor's wife. Even if I never see the office of pastoral ministry.

And that got my thinking cap turned on the last few days.

I'm reading this book called Warrior Ethos, and the first section is dedicated to explaining that the strongest men, those of valor and selflessness, those who give up their lives in honor, are those men who's wives and mothers are bold, determined sources of strength in these said warrior's lives. While it references Sparta and other Roman-grecco cultures, and the subsiding reasons for their drawing of the definition of manhood from sources other than God, it has nonetheless made me realize now more than ever - whoever I'll pick to commit to, she needs to be a warrior alongside me.

Bravery out the window, it's the iron-clad determination to do what it takes, whenever it takes, however it takes, to have unwavering resolve and be committed to the Lord, his people, and the mission at hand. To have that in a woman is to have everything in a relationship. I desire that. I desire her, whomever God is making her out to be. And it's something that is learned, grown, and developed - I get that. But the heart, the willpower at the outset, that's the game-changer.

I need her to compliment and support me as much as she needs me for the same things, and to lead her.
I need a woman who undoubtedly loves Jesus more than me. But loves me next.

Anyway, this book is an interesting read to say the least, and it's got me thinking about this part of my life again. And who knows how this application process will turn out. Where but for the grace of God go I.

Sometimes there too much to write about.

Lets see...

I'm still kinda sore from all that barefoot running in the park on thursday.
I'm happy God has blessed me with much. Even if I weren't happy, I'd thank God all the same.
Grace over grace abounds in my life. Thank you Jesus for choosing me.

Today I'm running errands. First time I've done that in a while - I.E. getting caught up in life.
And I put together some dinner for Paige, Dana, and Rachel to help with things right now.
Let see...learning a ton. Learning more in my trade/skillset, bible/theology, music, patience.
God is good. Things get tough, tough is good. Because God is good.
Soli Deo Gloria

hours

spent most my summer indoors. under frigid air conditioning and florescent lighting. the worst part about florescent lighting isn't the depressing glow that it radiates, but the ceiling tiles it's mounted in-between. i want to see a real ceiling. a real top. a place of honest limitation.

somewhere that has a roof on the other side. a place to lay and watch the stars, or hot flamingo pink sunsets thanks to Utah fires.

anyway, after losing track on so many tangents and descriptions in this exile called life, i have honestly spent a lot of time in a closed office, with Tycho beaming through the speakers, and trying to understand this world of "animation".

the way i see it, everyone is an animatic, and everything else accordingly, thanks to gravity and other laws of nature. i'm learning to faux re-create what's in front of me. so a computer can understand, so it can make people understand, so it can make the company more money. so my bosses can be happy with me and find reason to keep me around. so pixels have purpose. so that apple gets it's product used. so that regardless of the amount of money that is spent on making this final production, i can hold my chin up and say that i gave it all i had.

time is ever so equivocated to money. it's ridiculous how true that old, cliche adage is. my worth isn't measured in numbers with a dollar sign - and i'll hopefully find out more about that in our next episode of "my life this year of 2012"

i don't even bother to wear a wrist watch anymore...confounded computers.

sola scriptura

fidelity
authority
liberty
perspicuity
finality
applicability
clarity
veracity
divine writ

the Word of God, sharper than any two edged sword.
God has spoken though it. God has used it to speak through ecclesiology.
to take it in parochially is idolatry.
to avoid sections is lunacy.

I am bound to it. I am pressed by it. I am stirred with it. I am broken in it. I am renewed from it. I am enriched through it. I am captive of it. I am slave under it.

Every word of God proves to be true, and it will rule and dictate the rest of my life.
I esteem God and His word higher than any else, for it is right, true, and holy.

Betty Draper suuuuuuucks so bad.
I've only in the last few days had a chance to catch up on Mad Men. I'm into season 4 now, and I am enraptured in this story. Such a brilliant show. I will never look like Don, but I can have his swagger. And I'm head over hills in love with my dear sweet Joan. Oh, and did I mention I hate Betty?

Prima Facie

As it were, our judiciousness is founded upon innocent until proven guilty. In ethic, practice, Christendom, and citizenship, we assume everything is right and proper until given reason not to. That's perfectly fine, until the bombardment of secularism, an anti-God established principality, finds its ugly rearing head into the heart of the people of God. I say that, because everything is not OK.

At first glance, it appears educated, sophisticated, or modern. Maybe it's even sexy, glamorous, or celebrity. But it is the very dreadful thing that will attempt to undo what God has established as right and pure. One has to step back and take a look at the big picture: what is my life amounting to?

My habits, aspirations, desires, motives, needs - what are they? Christ centered, found in Scripture? or non-Christ centered, founded upon everything but him?

A hard pill, a bitter spell, but a necessary and overdue critique. A double take, a Berean heart, is what will be the difference. God will be glorified.

The practical ramifications: live sturdily trusting in God believing that everything is ok, but be alert and on the watchtower to look for the obvious, and the spies with many eyes. Discernment, critical assessment, prudence. Exile, yet tactile.

I really want rainstorms. And September, to be reminded that I'll be 24, and on the verge of some big things. It'll take some work, but I want to have written two books before I'm 30. I have the ideas, one fiction, the other, doctrinal, but it'll take some serious development before I make headway on it.

I really want brainstorms. And autumn is a time where I find myself taking different creative approaches to various mediums and projects. I'll be reminded that I'm going to be 24, and having not accomplished the things I thought I should have at this point.

Paper is pure, and limitless. It's the opportunity to sketch and write and smudge and blend and get things out in their rawest form. Writing diagrams with thick black marker. Drawing crude sketches with compositions, thumbnails, ideas, bad ideas, thin red ink. The time to get messy, frustrated, distraught, annoyed, and that one sparkling moment of genius.

I'm going to buy several sketchbooks, and just have at it. Get back to the roots, the basics. Music will be brighter, and more intentional. And in all of it, it will very much be centered around Scripture.

Today were new beginnings - in a jumpstart sort of way.

I feel like there are new avenues motivating me. And I have found a fresh wind.
It's been a while since I've had a decent cup of coffee, though. So that's gotta change.

Sharp tools, primed and ready are great, but a steady focus and ambitious heart will do the trick.
Here's to new things!

El que quiera saber sus defectos, que se case y el que quiera saber sus cualidades, que se muera.

Yet, it is a great fear of mine that one shall arrive before the other.

I face giants every day, but this sling and stone of mine are wearing out.

A cool, silent wisp hits my face - the night air, the leap in my heart that fall is near.

It's gonna be whatever. For now.

I'm not the only one.
I don't stand alone.
In - these feelings.
These - restless nights.
Hoping - but discouraged.

Like a can of worms, I've heard numerous expressions from various people (some of whom don't normally talk that deeply with me, let alone confide in) over the past week of this pandemic.

I'm trying to stay faithful, and finding anchors. I feel like I'm even struggling to keep my head about the white caps and crests of waves. I've found a fondness of some new words: perspicuity, veracity, and doldrums.

No idea why, I just like 'em.

But, to be fair, I have a few wonderful things God has given me - amidst a world of illusion, paper walls, fringe safety, and "freedom". God has shown me a lot, and grown in my heart a deeper desire for the things of Him. I get freaked out and spooked, but at the end of the day, I won't be idle.

Last night I watched Good Will Hunting, and Memento before that, for the first times. Maybe it's an odd pairing, but I've been in an odd mood.

Good Will Hunting was a really cool movie. There were a few parts that made me choked up. I haven't seen a film since Up that did that to me. Interesting feeling, trying to relate to people who you don't even know, but you know exactly what it is they feel in that moment, and you fight for them in your heart.

Memento was wild. I called Netflix at the end to complain about their streaming service playing the movie backwards. I enjoyed it, and all the swearing in it made me feel like I was back at work.

I don't know what the deal is, though. It's been a waterworks fest lately.

There are moments of weeping over my brother, because he's a homosexual and needs to repent and turn to Jesus. I love him with the truth, and I try to pursue him, even though his heart is in a rebellion. It sucks way bad. That, plus the entitlement attitude, disrespect, disobedience, and suppressing the truth.

There are moments I cry for my sister, who lives with her boyfriend, and I think that she should know better, and I get discouraged at how broken my family is. I think that's why I'm so drawn to amazing families within the Church.

I think that's why I want to be a daddy so bad. My parents did the best they could, and I love them for it. My dad never had a dad - Jerry showed up after my dad was born and he had another woman with him even as he came home to see his own son before taking off again. The dude was a handful of swearwords to say the least. I hope he got saved at the end of his life. I hope Jesus rescued him. Despite that, my dad has done well, and works hard, and loves with a tough, coach-esq love.

I don't really know where these tangents are coming from, but mostly to say that I've been feeling more emotion out of my callous heart lately.

But I do want to be a daddy, and make home safe. Love my wife with my whole heart and serve her with my life. Raise children in the Lord.

Sometimes things happen so backwardsly, even to the point of making up words like backwardsly.
These aren't the things I was looking forward to. Maybe it is time for me to leave...

Soldier

In the past I've thought about enlisting in the military. And I must confess, those thoughts come back from time to time. It's not a small, trifling, fleeting idea. It's something that ultimately, not to sound cliché, means standing for God and my country. And I like the idea of going elsewhere in the world, and fighting for justice.

At this point, I think it would be easiest to separate from everything that is "normal" in my life. I'm not married, no kids, no mortgage, and plenty of opportunity before me. Things aren't exactly how I pictured when I was 19 going on 20. Growing up isn't some ten items or less express lane to success. I'm learning that cultivating tremendous amounts of hard work, with sometimes no pay off, makes for character building. I think willingly going down another hard road will prove to be rewarding, knowing what I'm getting into. Knowing that there's a possibility of me dying. Knowing I am not leaving anyone behind.

It's a wild thought, and I'm writing this on my iPhone, so I should go. But for all I know, I could wake up in a dramatically different situation tomorrow. God knows.

bedshaped

Tonight, it was just right.

Concerts are always bad for my heart in the long run, because I just want to be a famous musician, touring the world, writing about a broken heart, and falling in love with girls who show interest in me, and hope, and tell people about Jesus. But I'll do that here, anyway.

Keane are brilliant. Stunning musicianship, and Tom Chaplin has an astronomical vocal performance. I'm sloppy. I need practice. It's a good kind of motivation to be better.

Anthems, soundscapes, soaring choruses that mean so much to so many people. Singing with all they've got - it really was something to behold.

It's also funny standing by the stage and people come over to look at Kenny and I as if we were in the band, before the show started. I had a good chuckle.

good news, gospel, brews

Whenever I feel like I'm losing touch, God does astronomical, divine, surreal things in this tired, earth-bound soul of mine. I don't have to pilfer through other people's conversations, pictures, jokes to find fake things to reminisce about.

I've found the soundtrack to my summer. Oh my, it's amazing.
Dive by Tycho, it's amazing. A-MAZ-ING.

There are some things coming down the pike that I'm excited about.
In the now - I am glad to have amazing brothers and sisters.
I'm very enthused with the slew of crew that has assembled to share the GOSPEL.
*Outreach at church has been stifled down to "passing out cards". So people don't really know how to street evangelize anymore. It's safe to pass out a flyer and be done with it. The Gospel isn't safe. Jesus isn't safe, but he's good. (As Lewis spoke of Aslan)

I was privileged with sharing the Gospel with four kids tonight. I sat there on the street corner engaging with their post-high school, distracted minds. Their eyes wide at the sound of depravity and hell. I could see their hearts sink. I could see Tony and Zalina's eyes widen and glisten at the sound of hope, grace and forgiveness at the repentance and confession of their sins. To hear that Jesus loves them and wants to change their lives forever, I think that stuck. I hope it does. They have Rock Church cards, and the address, and I hope to see them tomorrow night.

It was also good to hang out with a new brother who's in my small group. He's come a long way, and God is leading him strong. Wilderness and broken relationships, God has delivered him from a lot, and I'm so grateful that he is gunning to get in with us. He doesn't want to waste his life, and I can see that. It's tremendously encouraging.

We concluded with drinks and rocknroll at Twilite - which is my new favorite bar. Seriously, it's so rad.

God is good, and gives good gifts. Even though I don't have a girl, house, bank account, or other things I think I need, I am so satisfied in the treasures that Yahweh has bestowed on my life. I'm not going to waste my singleness anymore - even if I hate summertime.

#goodstewardship #blessings #stoked #encouraged

I am a photographer. Not that I'm a real photographer, but I've taken on that roll as part of my profession, now. So I literally have no idea what I'm doing, but I am doing it. I get to learn one more thing for life. It's fun, and frustrating all at the same time. I like getting back into this "practice" mode. Where I take a lot of time and focus and put it on one single thing. Except there aren't just "one single things" in my life...there are many. Hahaha. I'm going crazy, but remixes, female singers (mostly English) and Death Cab are helping me cope through these hard curves. It's good, I'll be fine.


And it's top secret, but I'll probably record a new song here soon - solo. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The bills stack up - correspondence and lack of filing. My time slips away - so many things I would have liked to learn, but for now, I'm stuck with the big things in front of me. My boss is having me learn to do things that take normal people four years of college and professionals guiding the way. I have tutorials and books. I have a deadline. I said yes to this.

I feel like once I get a better handle on this "thing" I said yes to, lighter tides will tread across my mind, and I can learn to be good at other things. Learn to be good at being personal.

I guess I like a lot of things, and maybe that's ok. I appreciate that some people will stay with their main food groups of life. They know what places they like to eat, they know what movies they'll only see, they know what music they'll only pump through their speakers, or iPod earbuds, or flat car sound system, or hum through their dry lips...and that's ok. I kind of wish I was simpler. I kind of wish I wasn't a washboard of everything, now. But I like that I like all kinds of food, and places, and music, and hobbies, and professions, and skills, and intellects.

I want to be a Pastor one day. I want that to be a "rest of my life" profession. A profession of the profession of the Gospel. I also want to own a business, and make it wildly successful, and make people's lives better. I want to know how to make drinks/cocktails so that when someone asks for their favorite drink, not only do I know how to make it, but I have the stuff to make it good! I want to love and serve people, better. I want to work harder.

I see the lackluster of what my life can become, when I get passive, or do the bare minimum. A lot of friends think I am "on top", but I just use quotation marks a lot to emphasize really just a normal me, doing things that are unexplained to most of them.

I guess I'm saying, I just want to be there. I just want to be here, for whatever time is left. I want to love and serve for Jesus' sake. I want to be hospitable and kind. I want to hold fast, not compromise, and really change this world for Christ.

I see a lot of that starting in my future living room. Where life is for living.

positive recognition is a pleasantry in life.
it's common to know some people think well of you.
it's more frequent to know that people are upset with you.
and it's the cause of ulcers to know that a lot of people always have one eye watching you.

God gives good gifts, and sometimes good things are hard things.
being told no, being left in the dust, being shut down, being unspoken to.
I'm in the wake of a lot of hard things, and yet, I've not gone crazy, or had the urge to call the game and throw in the towel - by the grace of God.

It's nice to hear affirmation - like I'm not just going crazy.
I'm encouraged with life outside of work, after today.

spotter

There's always one person in my life, looking out for me. Watching for land, so I can port up and refresh my supply. Watching for rocks, for the safety of my vessel to not breach the hull. Watching for sand, so I don't wash up and become idle.

God has been kind to give me others with keen insight. He's also giving me sight to see for myself. Things that otherwise, given commonplace and happenstance, would not be a second, or third, or God forbid, fourth consideration. New lighting, obscurely bright lighting - blowing out form and shape - giving new meaning to closer, yet ostensible, prospects. I have still a lot of "I don't knows" sitting in my hat, and an awful lot of cleaning the smudges off my lenses. My spotters yet remain.

What's next is ______________________.
My life is MadLibs, but God wrote a plan.
May I ever be before His providential hand, to know the unknowable and be who he wants me to be.

Steele's talk really focused a lot of things for me.
Timely word, God's word, living and active to actively give me life.
I'm hopeful, and I can stomach more things at this point.
Tomorrow begins my few day trek alone with God. Studying, reading, praying, wandering the mountains. I'm very much looking forward to this - it's long overdue.

I think I'll make a mix tape too. I need something to help cope with the heat.

recap

I get terribly discomforted when great brothers get the bad end of the stick. My heart is to immediately fight their battle - but to be sure, I revert back to trusting in the sovereignty of God. On the other hand, I get even more irritated when idiots get their way, completely doing things backwards, and it's smooth sailing for them. Boils my blood.

I shake my head because I don't understand. There is a way that seems right to a man, and in the end it leads to death.

Wednesday was a photoshoot. I'm hoping to actually get to using the photo for press shots and outreach shows. Nothing big, namely opportunities to get out there and tell people about Jesus.

I'm making newer friends. More people are getting recycled into the mix. Old chaff are being weeded out. I'm feeling zealous again, about many a thing. I'm feeling, spunky. I remember that I need to be real and humble too - not a hullabaloo of niceties, cheap laughs, and warm welcomes. Those are good for their time, but it's not the plot. Character development is everything. And I even realized today that my address book is lighter, and has only contacts from people who joined in the past 2-3 years.

Everyone beyond that probably thinks I'm a stiff, or rude. Getting to know more people. Talking to girls like I'm not scared. It's ok, nothing is next, so I'm hoping for the worst and expecting the best.


or something like that...

Two would be heroes, plastering through the Rembrandt conversations, silver tongues and ostentatious. Only by the night. Only by way of exuberant jubilee. Walking disasters, but totally in love. Everyone loved them dearly. They were magnificent, and fragile.

It would be excused by the way the clamshell closed, and they slept soundly wrapped in red velvet, encasing a giant pearl.

My odyssey has not yet been had, though I live it day by day. His journal has collected dust. I have empty pages, and songs unsung. Pharaoh won't let me go. Brother won't pull me away. I'm avoiding jumping the gun and taking the early exit. These highways and paths, and toll booths, sure put life in the 10 items or less lane. No baggage means a flight just as slow as the woman who brought everything, and her Pomeranian named Douglas.

I don't know if I'll become who I thought I should be. Maybe I will.
Maybe the sun will always set, and make my heart feel the way it did tonight:
watching the ember and pink spill the sky with brisk air and biting fear of the future.

All will die, it just matters who with.

as of late, I feel:

mundane
stale
myopic
incomplete
alone
predictable

the only things I know are that I really don't like Peter or Betty. at all.
and I don't think I'm looking forward to this summer either. hot, dry - dragged out.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking forward to, because I haven't had goals in mind.

I'm going to spend some considerable time thinking about what's next.

hollow point

seeing isn't always believing.
there are many things I believe in that I have yet to see.
My Savior. Love. Music. I can't wait for Heaven, so I can see sound and look at music as it goes to God.

anyway, at the outset, it might look impenetrable and dull.
no sharp point. nothing really that makes it appeal to the eye.
but to the beholder, it will blow the back out of someone's head.
it will be deadly force, shoot to kill, but hit no one else.
there's more than meets the eye. and there's more things in this world just like this bullet.
124 grains of anything hollow point, is not a force to be reckoned with.

ideology, actions, words, passions, emotions - all can be hollow points, and blast through without regard.

Josh - "Don't worry about it, Hayden, it'll happen when you least expect it."
Me - "I've been least expecting for years now."